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Husband of 13 years left me with 4 children for another woman
Check with your attorney but in some cases you can prevent the OW from being around your children. I would go that route for now anyway. That is the least he can do.
Have him spend time with them at your house and YOU leave for the day/night.
It would drive me crazy to have my kids spend anytime with OW. My DD would make her life hell too so I don't think that would ever have happened but thinking about it makes me want to punch your husband in the face. Jerk.
She is morally broken. You are trying to put yourself in her shoes because you are logically trying to make sense of this. Logic isn't applicable to her. She is ego based, selfish and will do anything to justify her horrid behavior. You will NEVER understand her. You and she are not cut from the same fabric. She is a liar and morally corrupt. Apples to oranges.
You are still in shock. And you will vacilate with your emotions for some time. Just try to focus on today. Get through today and go from there.
I am sorry that he is being so insensitive and hurtful. It stinks.
But you do matter. And your kids need you more than anything.
Deep breaths. Keep moving.
(((( Jewlz))) I am so sorry you are going through this!
Please know that you will get through this, You will! You are stronger than you think.
One year from now - I know it seems like a long time, but it will go quick, you will be in a different place mentally.
You can't change him, the only thing you can control is you and how you deal with all of this. You have already taken positive steps, child support, going to file for D.
Once all of that starts to hit him, he won't look or feel as happy as you think he is right now. Remember that relationship was based on a lie!
I believe that there is a special place in hell and in KARMA LAND, for those that cheat while their wife is pregnant and in your case, have the OW in YOUR HOME, the day after you deliver!
Just hang in there, you'll make it! NO CONTACT with him as much is possible, is the only way to start to detach from him and the situation.
Set schedules for him to have the kids, so you can have some ME time, so you can do nothing or cry without your kids around, or simply go for a nice walk with a friend! This is really important - YOU WILL NEED THIS FOR YOUR SOUL!
Thinking of you...
Oh sweet Lord,
Your Wh is in physco land along with a Hot mess of a woman.
Sweetpea, you are so much better than that so called woman and mother. She has 4 kids and she brings a strange man she doesn't know into their lives. Ummm, pretty sick. Also, your kids know what is going on, he took them around this OW and her kids. And those kids most likely talk abotu mom to the other kids or dad.
You wh is brainwashed right now. I am sorry you are having this on your shoulders. He is a sick tard right now and so is the OW. She can be smug, Caddy, and all that. She has not honor in womanhood or motherhood, she has not morals. Be blessed not to be her when the Karma bus comes and it will.
Focus on you like we all say. You will find your strength and it will get stronger and stronger as time passes. He will wish he never left your side because he is gonna get his own Karma as well. He is not a man right now he is a child in a grown mans body. He stole from you and the kids what type of man does that? I will tell you, a man in lala unicorn and fairydust land.
Also, one thing I thought of, I wonder if OW condones his pot smoking and is part of that.
Thank you! Yes, I have thought of this too. I believe she probably does "smoke" with him and this is their little thing they have in common, how sweet. I know she smokes cigarettes and drinks so yep, pretty sure. And he started to smell like it constantly so what woman who didn't would go for that?
Yes, on May 5, he didn't bring my kids back until 10:15pm on a school night and then a week later when I found out she was there with her kids, the kids said she was still there when they left. So, yeah, I guess a cool pot-smoking Cinco de Mayo party was so much fun while I'm home breastfeeding and had to keep my kids home sick the next day because the two of them didn't feel well and were so tired.
Did I mention I also caught him shooting himself with human growth hormone out in our shed before all this on my way to work one morning. Hid that too. Obsessed with body fat and his body. He's always had muscles but it's pretty obsessive now. He would come home from the gym while I was home with baby and brag how he just ran 6 miles. Great, thanks for not changing or buying one diaper in 3 months Mr. Gym.
She is all those things you said, but he doesn't have morals either so he really doesn't care. Not sure he was raised with any. I'm not sure he knows the definition actually, not even kidding...he really is a child! You're right.
Now that I'm going, during this winter too while the baby was only weeks old, I had mastitis so I was so flu-like, woke up in the middle of the night and almost passed out in the kitchen trying to get tylenol. I called him to help me and he walked right by me on the kitchen floor and went to the baby (he was complaining, not full crying). I was like "he's fine, I need help" He walked me back to bed and left. I thought he'd get me the tylenol but he went back downstairs to bed! (He slept on the couch, had been for years). The next day, you think he could stay home from the gym ONE day to help me? I could barely stand up from fever. Selfish!
When he told me he was leaving me, it was "I can't do this anymore" "too much has been said" and acted like it was all the fighting and the way I was acting. I'm just so frustrated because I know and we all know here that it was all a way to justify his A but I think he's the only one that doesn't get it. I still feel like he believes I pushed him to do it..or at least is what he wants me to think and his family to think.
Ok, good venting.
Mom of four here too.
You are doing great. Trust this, if he's that whacko now, you will be in a much better place letting them both spend their time looking over their shoulders for however long the "glow" lasts. It wont be long.
Reading your notes, i know you will be great, and very happy once ass hat and shmoopie get their wish.
Let your attorney speak for you, you have enough on your plate. And, take no prisoners, why should you and the children ever go without.
He'll be back at your door begging soon, think long and hard if he's really worth ever taking back. I'm thinking not. But, only you can make that choice. For now, continue on your path, but you set the rules.
Yes, i think I might happily give him to her. And watch the show.
[This message edited by fourever at 2:01 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]
HAHA, Scumbag just called me and was all pissed off. Saying how it's been so busy and can he have another day to get his stuff. Saying he wants to take the computer and I was like well, my pictures are on there and he says I should have put the pics on cds, then says he would do it, then says he'll just wipe it out...and I'm like well which is it, you said your are going to save them, then you said you are going to wipe them out, and he didn't know what to say. I said, "just buy yourself a computer" and he says "yeah, I can barely afford to eat right now" and I'm like "that's not my problem".
He said about getting his clothes out of the dresser and I'm like "all your clothes are out on the front porch" lol Didn't mention I poured tobacco spit all over them. Tabacco spit HE left so he shouldn't have left it.
I asked if he was getting Mason (5 month old) and he said I ruined his playdate because now he has to get his stuff and can't fit everything, blah blah blah.
He asked me "are you working?" I chuckled and was like "yeah, for over a month now" Is he fucking insane??? Why would I still be home on maternity leave? He has no concept of time and space in his fucked up brain. Really. He doesn't sound happy or calm anymore at all!! I love it. About getting his stuff and his playdate and it being ruined or whatever I said "I'm more important right now". I reminded him that on June 17th, the judge will set a schedule and no more of this whenever he wants. He said "thank you". I said "are you saying thank you to me?" he says "yeah, thanks for reminding me, I know the judge is going to come down with his hammer ..."
He can't afford to eat??? What the fuck did he spend all that money this winter for then and why is he eating tacos with her kids over! Loser asshole!
Sorry for the swearing and all and I know my revengy stuff is childish but I feel like it is so insignificant in comparison to the devastation he has caused me by sleeping with this whorebag! "She's not a whore" UGGGHHHH!!!!!
[This message edited by Jewlz at 2:25 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]
I'm always angry when I read stories like this. It's unbelievable how cruel the people who are supposed to love us can be.
Read BS FAQs #11 in the healing library. Detach from him. Don't remind him of meetings. He's fired you from being his wife, social secretary, records keeper and so on.
Document everything. The fact tht he went to the gym while you had to take care of the baby while suffering from mastitis. Every time he brings the kids home late, if he smells like pot when he brings them home, the money that's gone...everything.
You're not alone. In fact, I remember another poster whose d-day was the day her baby was born. She has moved on and is happier now.
Just read your thread today, so sorry for what you are going through but I almost STOOD UP and CHEERED when I read your last post!!! THAT is the attitude you need to have with this loser!!! Don't give him ANYTHING!! If he comes to you wanting 'this or that' tell him HELL NO!!! Everything he asked me for...I would flat out tell him "Get your Whore to get it for you!! She is so good at meeting your needs!!" I am not sure how NJ laws are, but unless I was forced to, I wouldn't let him see the kids! It is just got to be so confusing for them and that is just not good for them!! This person is an idiot and I hope the judge NAILS him to the WALL!!!!
Those bitch boots are fittin' you just fine!!
Keep 'em on, honey.
You're doing great!
If he's shooting himself up you definitely need to let your L know. That could be a HUGE sticking point.
(((Jewlz))), I am no where close to be the person to give you the insight that you have already gotten from these fine people here already.
What a great transformation within your own post you have made. You are right in line for yourself and your kids now and that is so strong and powerful!.
Four kids wow! that is what i thought I wanted at one time. My wife got sniped after our 3rd son. She said she want more freedom and that we couldn't afford any more kids. That her body couldn't take it, ect ect. yeah well after her affair I remembered how she said she "wanted more freedom" then at the time. Her affair partner was is at the bottom of the gene pool, unanimously humanity would favor sterilization for this one.
I was there from beginning to end I loved taking care of my wife while she wa preggers, those times were the simple joys that will always be so special to me. Not so special that i want to run of there and go do it all over again but if so yeah. Its too bad a husband cant see when he should be there for his wife. "sometimes a man gets carried away when he feel like he should be (jeff Buckley)" >not tyring to get off topic but its what i have playing now.
I can relate from both points of view because she told me so like your are saying so now. But I see now how i was crapped on also over the yrs and yeah currently aswell..
Yes your husbands world is crashing down around himself now. You stick to your guns. jewel -definition a precious stone, exactly. Be that.
Sorry to welcome you to SI, but at least your here on top, on the good side of something so ugly. (((Jewlz)))
What a great transformation within your own post you have made. You are right in line for yourself and your kids now and that is so strong and powerful!.
So true! And it sounds like things are starting to unravel for him... too bad. If he can barely afford to eat now, wait until the support order hits! He can just starve. He hasn't had one moment of concern for how his wife and children are going to eat. And things are only going to get worse for him.
When he has the kids, make sure he knows you have plans when he picks them up or comes over to spend time with them. Even if your "plan" is just to go visit your mom, you have plans. It would be so good for you to get some alone time though, having a coffee, getting a pedi, window shopping, whatever you enjoy. But never tell him what your plans are. Your personal life is none of his business anymore. This is part of the 180 and detaching. If he is in the fog, your detachment and disinterest in him may help snap him out of it. But regardless, it is for YOU, and it works
We know that people who cheat are broken and these two are certainly no exception. I was thinking as I read this post, "what kind of woman (a mother, no less) would want to be with a man who would abandon his wife and kids?" And especially his kids, (because we know she will justify him leaving you however she wants), but his children?!! That is pathetic.
Jewlz, I am so sorry for your pain, and your children's. You are going to get through this though. You are going to survive and thrive.
((((Jewlz & children))))
[This message edited by GingerAle at 10:06 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]
"yeah, I can barely afford to eat right now"
Seriously, that selfish, npd, fucktard is whining about barely being able to feed himself? And he could care less if you can or cannot afford to feed his children? I'm so angry at this that I'm seeing red.
Didn't mention I poured tobacco spit all over them. Tabacco spit HE left so he shouldn't have left it.
You've gotten a lot of good advice here, Jewlz. Keep reading in the Healing Library and definitely apply the 180. Discuss nothing with him other than the children. Don't give him any personal information. Don't tell him where you go or who you see.
I'm happy to see you have an attorney. He needs to start paying child support and spousal support.
Take care of yourself, so you can take care of those precious children that you are so blessed to have.
Jewlz honey, thos Bitch Boots look absolutely amazing on you!!!!
Keep up the good work, and hey it's ok to be snarky, pissed, and healthy to find some humor in it all.
I am Very Impressed with you. You are one amazing woman. 4 kids, a job, and time to dump all the trash in your life.
I have a very similar story to you. Accept not with four kids, just two. You are so strong!
I saw that a bunch of people have mentioned the 180 to you. It worked for me and we have similar stories, if you still want to even try. I tried the 180 on purpose though and I couldnt do it. It wasn't till I really stopped giving a damn that it worked like magic. The OW lives in my town too, our boys were best friends.
I sent you a Private Message as well if you want to talk.
I pray for you and your family and hope to God, whatever comes of this makes you stronger and happier in the long run.
You need to get into court and get a custody and support arrangement going. He doesnt want to be in the family, fine, start being responsible as a "separated" ass.
Also, not sure what laws are where you are, but all the money he spend on his gf while married to you, is not ok and you should be getting that back.
180 and let the L do the talking for a while. Who does this guy think he is? SO sorry you are having all of this happen.
He has moved out and he came into the house today with no one home and took anything he wanted. OMG, I am sooo mad. I am NOT going to text or say ANYthing. Just will have to change the locks! OMG I hate him! What does he want with decorative plates that were on our hutch that our neighbor gave us. I didn't like them anyway but what does he want them for? Idiot.
And he left his clothes and stuff I poured chewing tobacco on outside. Guess I'll have to lug that stuff to the curb myself.
He is trying to get a reaction out of you. He's acting out and hoping you respond.
He is being the baby he's acted like through out the mess he created.
What an ass. Only confirms what you already know. He is not worth your time.
Let her have his dumbass. They deserve each other. Just be sure to take 60% of his paycheck.
So sorry the saga keeps getting worse for you.
Document! Document! Document every think he took.
Get the locks changed tonight.
CRAP, I am so weak, I texted! Now I hate myself. I texted "Did she like those plates when she was eating pizza in my dining room, lol" because the day she was there when I was in the hospital with our new baby, they ordered pizza together! OMG, I'm so sick to my stomach!
You are doing great, so you sent him a text, now go NC, NC, NC. He is playing a game, don't engage. IMO his relationship with this OW is going to blow up.
Get your ducks in a row. Speak with him about finances and children only.
Keep those bitch boots on, you are doing extremely well. We all understand your pain, but from my own experience and that of many on this board, the best way to win at HIS GAME is to stay NC. Very difficult, but do your best.