SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Husband of 13 years left me with 4 children for another woman
Hang in there sweetie. It is hard very hard to do the NC thing.
You need to just go dark now. Put his shit in a trashcan at the curb.
Change the locks Immediately. You don't want him showing up in the middle of the night...
Document everything. Get yourself a legal pad, a notebook etc, and write it all down. Also create documents in the computer to keep up on the costs that he is going to have to pay back. Any funds spent on OW. Money you need to care for the kids, camps, dr's, clothes, food etc. Keep track of it all. 4 kids are expensive, you should not bear that burden alone. Change the focus from what he did to how you are not going to let him do it again.
((((and strength )))))
Thanks! I must made an appointment with a locksmith for Monday. It is unbelievable that he spent my personal savings on her. I let her know that day at the park...I don't know what made me say that particular thing because I was so out of it, but glad I did.
I told her "did you know he took almost $10,000 from me this winter?" and she just shook her head and said no. I hope she feels great knowing anything he bought her was my money. I realize we were married but this was savings in my name that he was not telling me he was taking. Even after he said he was leaving and before I looked at my bank record, I had the decency to let him know I would be spending some money on clothes before going back to work! HAHA, can you believe that? I wonder what he was thinking? 'Yeah, go ahead, I already took thousands, whatever'.
Make sure to document all that money he took too. He spent MARITAL funds on his AP.
Its important to remember to document things, we often tend to forget the little things that happen but think we'll remember. Write everything down.
Monday seems like a long way away to get your locks changed. Do you know anyone handy that could do it for you if you stopped by the hardware store and picked up your own locks/door knobs?
I spend my minutes going from heartbroken, to extreme anger and rage, to almost acceptance at times, but then, back to missing him so much!
This is what I have felt. I'm one year out from dday. My STBX also said that we were incompatible. His attitude was also, "What's the big deal? I need friends. I told you I was going to make new friends." This is so FAR from reality. He says I am irrational. It's enough to make me wonder if I am the one who has lost touch with reality because he says it with such indifference.
"I can't do this anymore" "too much has been said" and acted like it was all the fighting and the way I was acting
You know, my stbx told me this, too!! He said that my reaction was so strong, that he felt pushed more away from and and more toward the OW whore.
I'm to late! I was reading all the posts and as soon as he asked you if you were working again I knew... Knew he was plotting to break into the house. Did he take the computer? I hope not... Especially if you have photos of the kids on there!!
Don't worry about texting him, all of us at some point have done that and wished we hadn't. It happens. What I would recommend to you now though is not to talk to him anymore. He manipulated you into getting info about your whereabouts, you can no longer trust that he won't record conversations and try to make you say things for his own purposes.
He is not the man you remember. Protect yourself, your money, your sanity. Make sure from this day forward he needs to give you $ for his kids (because if he's not you can be damned sure her kids are getting it!! Don't let that happen!) also make sure you tell him when he will have the kids and if he doesn't get them then then he doesn't get them! PERIOD. You are the only rational, mature person in this and you need to lay down the law.
Stay strong! Something popped into my head as I re-read this thread. So far you've mentioned your husband was injecting human growth hormone, smoking pot, and drinking. Now he went into your home and took random things. He says he's broke. He stole money from your account for the OW - do you know *what* he got the other woman? What I'm getting at is, is it possible he and this woman are using heavier drugs - expensive drugs?
If you think there is even a remote possibility of this you need to tell the Lawyer and have them do a drug test on your husband. I actually think the pot smoking should be enough. He should not have access to your children if he's doing drugs.
Hugs to you...
It's not too late to report the break in to the police. Perhaps they will stop by and visit the lovely couple just as they are snorting a line.
Sorry! One can only hope.
All not funny joking aside, I do hope you are documenting everything. Get your bank statements, credit cards, any work info on him and give to your attorney ASAP. Protect yourself and your kids.
How are you doing Jewlz? Hang in there.
I spoke to his mom finally..at first she didn't want to hear anything but she came around (maybe since she wasn't hearing from him) and I let her know what's going on. She told me the next day she left him a message that she knew he wouldn't pick up or call back because he is the master of avoidance, asked if he replaced his family for a new one and told him she's disappointed in him because he is not acting like a father and has no interest in ever meeting this woman. I spoke to his sister last night and we talked for over two hours. She also said she loves me and is disappointed and said she is sorry this happened.
I sat in a room full of people yesterday for a woman retiring and just looked around at everyone talking and laughing. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin, so anxious. I left and walked and cried. I picture him in the crowd of people wherever I am, imagine if he was there, and then think about what he did and how he's no longer the man I knew and was married to and it's so hard to accept. This week has been a bad denial week. My brain won't allow the acceptance, it's too painful.
I've read the timeline, I'm talking to people who tell me it will take time and it's normal, I'm seeing an IC, taking Xanax, but it is just so hard.
He called my daughter to tell her he's picking them up today (still doesn't let me know first). Told her his phone was waterlogged. That was the excuse for not calling or visiting THIS weekend. Last weekend it was something about being sick. He hasn't seen them (for a "playdate" is what he calls it) since May 25. Now today, I paid $200 for my sons tux and prom which is tonight and now have to deal with the anxiety of him coming, I don't know if he wants to take the baby or not, I don't even get home until almost 6. Going to save my Xanax for around 3pm so that it is nice and kicked in by 6!
I want to write him and tell him off so bad. There are so many things I am so mad about right now. I want to tell him that I don't want his filthy hands that touched that dirty whore to touch my children, I wished he weren't their father, he is the worst father in the world. I want tell him that I will laugh at him for years thinking that any lack of sex was because he's more sexual! "we don't need to get into who's more sexual"!!! It eats at me to no end that he thinks I am not sexual! That's why he left me? If he didn't know how to make our sex life better and only acted like a needy 4th child, that has nothing to do with my sexuality. His idea of turning me on was walking me into the bedroom and locking the door, period. Wow. Thanks!
I type stuff up and it gets angrier and angrier and then I just save it as draft. Our child support hearing is Monday so I'm going to wait it out and let the court handle him. I'm at work and cannot concentrate, very unproductive...I hope I don't lose my job at this point!!
You can do this. I know what you mean about being unproductive at work. I was like that for almost a year.
I did my job but not with any enthusiasm or energy. I simply did what I had to do.
Please define the boundaries with his visitation. He can't just come and go as he pleases in their life or yours. Set dates (if he fails to keep them then document it for future use) but he can't just waltz in and out.
Do you really want him to take the baby at this point? Is he capable of being responsible? And your mind will go to is the OW holding my baby, caring for it, etc. That will be hard for you.
Enjoy your son's night. Know that you are a great mother and that they will see their father for who he is. They know who takes care of them.
DO NOT blame yourself in anyway for the A. It wasn't about sex. It was about his inability to communicate productively with you and address what was going on in his mind/heart. He chose to cheat because the bubble of the fanatasy land they've created. Reality will set in soon enough.
You have every right to be angry.
I am glad his family is supporting you.
Good luck. Stay strong and know we all care and are rooting for you.
Jewlz it's ok to be pissed off. It's normal to be a sobbing wreck, and for it to hit at the most inoportune times.
I bet you can't wait until the hearing, so you have some back up and end this crazymaking BS of him doing what he wants with regard to the kids. It's sad to think his role as a father is only as a 'playdate'. I'd be sure to mention that to the judge at the hearing next week.
Keep on posting, keep on venting.
Mom of 4 here, we should form a club or something.
My X left 10 years ago and hasn't looked back. My kids were 12,12,(twins) 10 and 8 at the time.
He moved in with OW and her 2 kids, filed for divorce from me. Got engaged, Got divorced and married OW all in about 6 months. My kids are now 22, 22, 20, 18 and I have a 1yo granddaughter
Today his friends tell me she has snipped, clipped him and has him on a very short leash. Think about it.. they can never truly trust each other, afterall they had affairs with each other while they both were married. Marriage means nothing to them.
He is not allowed to talk to me-hasn't been ALLOWED for 10 years. I do not talk to him... unless a kid has an emergency. WE just attended one DD's college graduation.. did not speak. Also attended youngest's HS graduation... did not speak. He did not speak to his parents either. OW/NW is mad at them becaue they refused to be controlled by her.
He wasn't allowed to see his DD or newborn granddaughter when they were in the hospital-she forbade him from seeing them.
My XH is suffering from Cranialrectal Inversion-His head is firmly stuck up his arse and has been for at least 12 years.
He has become a stranger to you with access to your physical space, finances, children, etc. Do everything you can to Protect them all. Call the banks, investment companies, etc. move everything into your name only. or take your half and do that. Ask your lawyer which is the best way to handle the finances.
Keep coming here... it is the best place for discovering what to expect (unfortunately) and how others have dealt with the crazy spouse.
Good luck, and Hugs,
Oh god, 10 steps back again last night! He came to pick up the kids and I was in the middle of taking pictures and getting my oldest off to his 8th grade prom. Just looking at him made me want to kill him. I get so angry thinking of him with her. He took the baby too. After I dropped off my son at his prom I went home and sobbed on the floor, then drank some gin, then colored my hair and took a shower. I didn't know what to do in the whole 2 hours of free time in almost 2 1/2 weeks.
When he returned he said I didn't put any diapers in the bag so he needs to be changed. (He wasn't even that wet). I said "buy a diaper". And I had to tell him what size. I asked what was going on for Father's Day and he started making the excuse that the kids want to do a fire (he roasts marshmallows in some firepit in his new place) but he can't do it with the baby. I said why not? He said the smoke, and I said "we have 4 kids, you have 4 kids...there is a lot I can't do with the kids because of the baby too" and he says "well you said you didn't need me" referring to one of our fights this winter while he was emotionally with her and I didn't know yet where I told him "we don't need you, just go". This is the fight and the line he uses to say I kicked him out and tries to make me think it was my fault. So anyway, as he walked out I said "what I said has NOTHING to do with what happened..NOTHING"
I felt kind of good that I stood up for myself, but then the kids told me that night that she had been there AGAIN a previous time on May 26 when they slept over and that her kids told my son that they already slept over there a few times!
So I was hit in the face with reality again. I keep still hoping they must not have time to spend together with her 4 kids around, they must not be that serious but I hear this stuff and feel like a truck hits me everytime!
Just got into work and ran into his cousins wife (she works here) who he works for and she says he leaves everyday at 5. His excuses for weeks have been that he's working late and can't come and works been so busy. It's all bullshit.
He's putting this romance and her kids before my own. My poor 8 yr old son says "I'm gonna ask dad why her kids get to sleep over more than us."
The hardest part is, I see him and I am still so attracted to him, I could just die thinking that he's in bed with her all the time! This is complete torture!!!!
I also keep thinking that everyone says their relationship is based on lies, but I'm the only one that was lied to. They seem to have been honest with each other from the start. He put her first and me second, lying to me. He never told her he was going to leave his wife and then didn't. He actually DID.
I feel like their relationship may work out and it just kills me! I wonder sometimes if I'm the one being punished for something and he deserves happiness.
I was the oldest of four children whose father left our mom to raise us on her own. For the sake of your children, get the best lawyer you can to protect them financially, as well as emotionally.
I agree with the earlier posts about taking care of yourself too. You are the only "true" parent those four children have and you need to be okay to take care of them.
Bless your Mom!! She loves you as much as you love your children. Accept her assistance with graciousness and a hug!!
If you need a night to go out with friends, do so!! We were 2-12 when our Dad left and we were all healthier when Mom was able to do things for herself. NO GUILT!!!
One thing I do give Mom credit for is that she was very, very careful in her future relationships with other men. We won the step-dad lottery. He didn't come into our lives until several years later, but he was truly worth the wait for all of us. BE CAREFUL in your relationships when you are ready to step forward. This is something I think an IC can help with, they can help you to not seek out the same type of man the second time.
Hugs to you!!!
I wonder sometimes if I'm the one being punished for something and he deserves happiness
You are not being punished. You were the unlucky recipient of the aftermath of your husband's selfish and horrid behavior. You got dealt a really bad hand. But you aren't the dealer and you did not cause this. Don't do that to yourself. PLEASE.
Even if they stay together their relationship IS based on lies. You have two morally bankrupt people that will continue to feed each other BS. Karma is a bitch. So let the fools have each other.
You are mourning the loss or the marriage you thought you had. You are mourning the loss of the man you married. All completely understandable. You are grieving. Let yourself grieve.
Don't beat yourself up over the not needing him comment. He is using it to justify his behavior. Manipulation 101.
Please see an attorney and get a custody schedule ASAP. Do not let him pick his play date times. He needs to respect you and your children more than that.
I am sorry you had a rough night. Keep you head up and let us know how you are doing.
We are here and we care.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:59 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]
So he was supposed to take the kids at noon....no show, no call until 2:45! The poor kids were waiting and getting upset. He finally came around 3 and all I can imagine is that her and her kids must have slept over by him and cooked him fathers day breakfast maybe or maybe her x took her kids and they had the day together. Hurts so bad but I do not want to get any details from the kids when they get home because our child support is tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning and I don't need any news that will set me off.
I can barely drag myself out of bed as it is and I am soooo nervous about tomorrow. I can't stand seeing him knowing he doesn't want me and has moved on with this new woman! I am so nervous about tomorrow!
Also, he didn't take the baby and my 13 year old didn't want to go.
I know he is the biggest toolbag disgusting awful man but I still long for him. I still want him to come home and say "I'm so sorry, I want to come home, I've been so stupid".
I did force myself to meet a guy out for a drink after work on Friday. He was very nice, good looking, understanding, smart, (an elementary school principal) and he texted me last night that he thought about my eyes and smile as he watched the sun set! I know. But I believe him and it helps get my mind off things just slightly.
Depression is still in full gear though, just sat in the house all weekend and nothing makes me happy. Can't get comfortable, can't bring myself to clean, cook and barely want to get out of bed. Just want to fast forward through this nightmare!
What a fucking selfish, worthless, prick. You will get through this Jewlz, it may seem impossible but you will. You're very young and life has so much more to offer you then to be stuck with someone like him.
My father acted in a similar way and my sister and I have no relationship with him now, your children will remember his behaviour as they grow up
Newly honey. Be easy in yourself. Take a nice long shower and try to relax.
He is p obviously the worlds biggest Dbag. Make sure you ask tomorrow in front of the judge what your obligations are for him and watching/keeping his own kids. I'm sorry but had it been me when he showed up no one would have been home. F him. His kids are already figuring things out. Kids thrive on routine and he is throwing that out the window. Soon they won't want to go, they won't believe when he says he s coming, and they will support you.
When this shitstorm that he created hits him, you are going to be able to sit back and know that you and those kids are gonna be just fine.
Final word of caution. Don't date, don't look for a guy tell your friends you aren't interested. Figure out who you are and learn to love that person and e happy with her. That's one way you won't allow some asshole to do this to you again.
Im sorry you are in this place. Your WS is being so selfish, foolish, thoughtless, irresponsible. You are a strong woman to be taking care of four children and going through the betrayal you are.
Its amazing how blinded people can be when they allow hormones and fancy words to guide them. The OW is horrid, cruel, and cold.
Im glad your mom is there to help you get through this. I hope you will have many more people in your life to help you as the kids are home for the summer.