SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Husband of 13 years left me with 4 children for another woman
Im sorry you are in this place. Your WS is being so selfish, foolish, thoughtless, irresponsible. You are a strong woman to be taking care of four children and going through the betrayal you are.
Its amazing how blinded people can be when they allow hormones and fancy words to guide them. The OW is horrid, cruel, and cold.
Im glad your mom is there to help you get through this. I hope you will have many more people in your life to help you as the kids are home for the summer.
So very sorry to hear your story, and the same lies they all tell. They seem to have a script they run off, my ex also used things I said when I was angry as a reason he couldn't reconcile and happily forgot that he was f**king another woman at he same time.
Like you though I missed him so much for a long time and dreamt about him coming back for months. BUT you will get to a point where those feelings fade and you not only won't want to be intimate with him but the whole notion beomes seriously iccky...
Like you though, I wondered if it was really 'true love' for them and couldn't understand how they seemed to not care at all about what they did....now as I move on more and more it seems they do care I hear things occaisionally from friends and my kids...some of it still stings at times but thats all it is now...just a sting, it goes quickly...and she tells people how happy they are still, even though they had a 'little holdiday' from each other already and its only been 3 years....like others have said, they know they can't trust each other and nothing will ever change that. So will they stay together? who knows and in the end you won't care because your life will be so much better..you will look back and wonder how you ever wasted so much time on this man.
Oh but just as an interesting aside, my exBIL (ex husbands brother) left his wife for someone else 18 years ago, married the OW, had a child, ignored his ohter kids for years then they split up not long ago and the reason? he apparently is spending to much time/money on his now grown up children...am I surprised? not really, what goes around comes around and so it will for your husband to, but by then I truely hope you wont' care.
hugs to you...take care of yourself and your children and it will get better.
[This message edited by jadasae at 7:19 AM, June 17th (Monday)]
Wishing you luck and strength today.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Don't date. You are VULNERABLE now. Sicko's will come from out of everywhere.
Protect yourself from that....please you do not want to end up with a guy like your husband or worse.
I get the impression from your posts here that your husband is the typical vain, hyper-masculine, juice-head, gym rat, mysoginistic, douchebag, that is a ticking time bomb as far as infidelity goes. You need to start detaching and mentally preparing yourself for divorce. Unfortunately, he has shown his true colors and I highly doubt, no matter how much he comes groveling back to you, that you'll ever be able to trust him again. I know your physical attraction to him is your biggest weakness; hoever, he knows this too. He also knows that it is a weakness for most women who cross his path and he obviously has no problem taking full advantage of it. This is somebody who you'll never be able to trust so you must protect yourself. Start cleaning out all your bank accounts and open joint accounts with your mother for now. File for divorce IMMEDIATELY. Destroy him through the courts. It wont be long before his looks fade and he has nothing left but child support payments and kids who resent him and want nothing to do with him. By then, you will have moved on.
There's plenty of good looking, responsible, successful, MORAL men out there who want nothing more than to have a solid family. Many of those men may even be in the same situation as you right now - with kids and a shitty, amoral wife. There is hope for you - there is none for your husband. He's a deadbeat and a loser and you and your children don't need that in your lives. Start moving forward and don't waste any time on him. He made his bed, now he must sleep in it - don't think about him sharing it with his whore, and if you do, make sure you squeeze as much out of him as you can, leaving him with a very small, uncomfortable bed. There relationship will go up in flames. Your husband has obviously gone off the deep end and she's got a one-way ticket off the cliff with him. It's unfortunate that she's taking her children along with her.
Push for supervised visitation. Use his drug use against him.
Good luck and be strong. There are many people here who are hoping and praying for the best for you.
I am so sorry for your pain. I am thinking of you and have sent you a message.
I am no expert but your husband strikes me as someone who cannot or will not change. There will be no taming him. It is unfortunate but he is just broken and cannot be repaired.
We will be here to support you in your many hours of need
This week has been more than I can handle. Monday was our child support court hearing where we sat in a mediation room together. My heart was pounding and it took everything in me not to jump over the table and punch him. We agreed on visitation and custody and child support and didn't need to go before the judge, but the mediator left us in the room alone and sure enough, we argued.
I can't remember the conversation, just pieces, I was so out of it. He blamed me for not talking to him if I knew what was going on. At the end he just said "I'm just trying to move on." So I left there just numb, not even hearing what the guy was saying when I left...not sure how I went and picked up the baby and got home, just horrible seeing him and facing him in that situation I never wanted to be in.
Then Tuesday, I saw the L and got everything finalized except for my auto and life insurance info. Once I get that to him, he will file. I had the week off from work so home with baby thinking, so by Wednesday, I just got really bad. Called my IC sobbing, just despair. I ending up going in and she thought it was time for anti-depressant meds and got me into the dr that night. I had a second session with the IC and have just been really bad. Overwhelmed, triggered by everything, not enjoying anything, not wanting to go anywhere. I am physically and emotionally exhausted.
Yesterday morning, WH called and wanted to see if he could take the kids to a fair later in the evening. Meanwhile, we JUST finalized visitation on Monday and he gets Wednesdays so he already expects to deviate. But I was nice, I said I had plans to take our older son graduation clothes shopping and our daughter had plans to play at a friends (which was true). He was talking about the fair and the specials on the price and whatever and I said "would be a nice thing to do as a family" crickets. Then I said "why don't you ask <OW name> and her kids to go". And he said "I'm not asking anyone to go, I want to take the kids alone". He said he'd call back and whatever kids were around he'd take.
I got angry when I started thinking about it, how he is able to enjoy fun things with our kids, go to a fair. I can't even think about going foodshopping without having heart palpitations! I cried all day thinking how the hell is able to just live his life and I am in hell, can't enjoy my kids. I like to do things with them like that too and I can't now. Why didn't he want to do things like this as a family?
Well, it didn't happen anyway (said he had to work late again).
Then, late last night, I got a text from him. And this is after months of two word texts from him about kids only.
Him: "Hi, sorry it's late, but I really want you to know how sorry I am for what I did. No matter how bad things got, you were always there for me. Always dealing with my shit. I have to admit, I'm more miserable and alone now than ever. (Should make you feel a little good.) Everyone hates me...I know that.
Me: "I'm up" "I really do appreciate the apology"
Him: "I've always been good at making shit worse, and never that good at making things better. <My name>, I'm very sorry for what I'm putting you through....
Me: "I've been alone since December"
Him: "And I've been a total scumbag since..."
So anyway, I always thought an apology would make me feel better but I couldn't sleep and woke up feeling the same dread and misery that this whole thing happened and although an apology is a tiny relief of acknowledgment, none of it takes away anything. It almost feels worse because it makes the reality of it all that much more...real. He still did all these horrible things and I was still put second to her and it doesn't change anything.
I know it's hard I know it probably felt like getting a little of the man you knew back...but next time, crickets.
Kids and finances. Those texts were to make HIM feel better. Likely OW was working late or they had a fight about her brats or something. If you respond, he can tell himself it's not that bad...you're still "getting along".
He'll turn you into the OW. Meaning, he needs validation from two sources so he can ignore his issues. Leaving you behind for OW has shown him she's not enough. So he's trying to suck you back in. Then he can maintain that unhealthy balance he built through the A.
Kids and finances. He'll either dump the OW and try to earn his way back into the M through his actions or he'll move on and OW will one day have her very own d-day to cherish.
Is he still seeing or with the OW?
His apology sounds as if his finally coming out of the fog and realizing what an ass he's been. Understatement.
I am so sorry that you are going this alone.
It takes time but the despair does start to diminish.
I am glad you are seeing the IC and the doctor. You have a lot on your plate.
How are the kids holding up?
Deep breaths and know we are all here for you.
Sorry multiple posts - iPad malfunction
[This message edited by 1Faith at 8:47 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]
[This message edited by 1Faith at 8:46 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]
[This message edited by 1Faith at 8:45 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]
His apology sounds like manipulation. Why wait to send you a text in the middle of the night? Because HE was lonely! No care for you, being alone, taking care of his 4 children.
Those texts were all about HIM. Did he ask you what you need? No, he told you he screwed up, he feels all alone, everyone hates him... its all about HIM.
Its difficult, but ignore texts that are not exclusively about children. And only answer them if he asks you a question. It will help you detach.
Wow, yes, you guys are exactly right. I shouldn't have responded just like he hadn't in the first couple weeks when I poured my heart out in emails and he never replied to any of them. I thought that it was more for his benefit, too. It's so true too, because the words did make me feel more attached instead of detached and yes, I do think he is probably still with her. It will be very hard because of the moments where I don't want to live without him and don't feel I can yet..I'm so vulnerable right now so I'm glad to have the feedback here to talk some sense into me!
The alone and miserable is probably more to do with not speaking with his family. He's never been alone and I don't think he'd get rid of her before he moved on to the next. I don't know and I don't ask the kids ANY questions or want to know anything when they come back from visits because any little thing I hear seems devastating.
He used the right word anyway, scumbag.
The kids are doing ok, except for my almost 14 year old. He has been deciding NOT to go on most visits. We had a talk yesterday and he also knows about the HGH injections and pot smoking! I tried to let him know that he needs to learn from this experience in a positive way, not negative. He says he will never leave his wife and he says "mom, a guy like that doesn't deserve your love" !!!! About his own dad! Sad. But I am so proud of him! I feel like I need to be the one to tell WH that he needs to have a serious discussion with his son because his relationship is going to be altered forever...or already has been.
Although all this stinks please take great pride and pleasure in the fact you have raised an amazing son.
What a lovely young man. He will use your WH on what NOT to be.
Hope ur going okay today.
I'm so sorry to read about all you have been through. Just wanted to offer you a hug and let you know that I am hoping for better days ahead for you and your 4 children. You are a strong woman and you should hold your head high. Your WH has lost more than he realizes. He will wake up one day and regret his choices. By then you will be loving life and he will be the one hurting.
Take care of yourself and your children. Good things will come because you deserve better.
All the best (((Jewlz)))
Well, I have been doing slightly better on the ADs. Doesn't get my mind off the A, but I'm crying less. (I think I actually miss crying a little.)
I've been doing absolutely NC except he came a half hour early to pick up the kids and was in the driveway when I pulled in on Wednesday so I had to see him.
I am having the hardest time with the anxiety of just feeling like I'm waiting for something. How do I stop this constant urge to text him and tell him I miss him? I know I will regret it so I won't but I hate this feeling.
How do I get over this man who I am still so attracted to? Why am I so attracted to someone who left me and treated me so badly? I mean honestly, he could be an underwear model and he gave himself to someone I knew. I'm so humiliated and disrespected that my gorgeous guy went with someone I barely gave a thought about. I never thought in a million years this woman would have MY guy!
It's been 3 months since he said he was leaving and 2 months since DD so I know it's still new but I'm so tired. Why can't I just be angrier? I hate wanting him.
I know this all sounds shallow...
[This message edited by Jewlz at 3:19 PM, June 28th (Friday)]
Not shallow at all. Sounds human. It is hard to let go of the love even through being treated horribly.
Don't beat yourself up over this. Be kind to yourself.
I was just reading an article about the feeling of rejection when someone leaves us feeds the same part of the brain as an addiction. We desperately want that person back and tend to forget all the bad parts about them.
So this is very human and normal.
But keep your dignity and continue to hold your head up. Eventually those feelings will fade.