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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: No time for feeling bad...
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today has been shit- my wife has her own stuff to deal with so why the hell has my brain decided to go down the mind movie route??!

I need to be supportive and loving so I've been trying to distract myself but I'm struggling. I even had a stupid dream/nightmare last night.

Help?


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Alea iacta est...


Posts: 555 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to be supportive and loving

Wait...your WW needs to be ^^^^
regardless of the "stuff" she is dealing with.

Can you communicate your struggle to your WW?

She will either do the right thing and:
~Step up to the plate and help you through your struggles.

or do the wrong thing:
~Do nothing but put her own needs 1st.

Her action, or lack of, will be very telling.

Sorry for the pain you are experiencing today.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 5:05 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 1960 | Registered: Nov 2011
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i hear you. yesterday was MY shit day. it is soooo hard to pull yourself up from that dark place once you start to slide.

i just decided to refocus my energy onto positive things for myself. I completed some tiny projects around the house, went for a run, relaxed and watched a movie, played some mindless frivolous games on my iPad....focused on some ME things to remind myself that I am awesome.

you are awesome too. go find something, do something, treat yourself to something just for YOU to remind yourself of that.

hugs to you.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
TryingEveryday
♂ New Member
Member # 39429
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. When those feelings and thoughts start - it's so hard to stop them.

But Riding is absolutely correct. No matter what she has, no matter where she is, if she doesn't stop and help you - even to just listen to you vent - then she's not doing the right thing.

But I totally understand. Totally. Wish I could tell you that once you get through today, there won't be more. But there will. Hopefully each one gets a little easier, and lasts not quite so long.

And yeah . . . dreams . . . sigh . . . know those, too.

Hang in there. And remember there's a whole bunch of us here.

It's a shitty club to belong to, but it has a lot of members, and we all understand.


Me - BS - 46
Her - WW - 38 (2 ONS)
Five kids:
DD20, DD18, DD17, DS16, DS16
D Day - Dec 24, 2012 -
R - 12 months and going extremely well.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Montana
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Idiot85 do you share with Sienna? Reading her posts and yours there seems to be a disconnect in communication. When she is spiraling it seems she feels she has no right to bring it to you, and I'm not talking when spiraling about A things, I mean the other "stuff" she's dealing with. It also seems like instead of sharing with her or venting how you're feeling she is left to guess or you laugh it off acting like nothing is wrong. If I'm off mark here I apologize please let me know but its what I garner from what I've read.

I am so sorry you are having a bad day but you should be able to vent and let it out as needed. As always SI is here for you but your wife should be there too. Give her a chance to show she can be. Relationships need to be able to handle anger and arguments as well as laughter and hugs.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2355 | Registered: Oct 2012
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Sad  Posted: 6:20 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

85 -

Be honest with your WW. She needs to know that you are struggling today regardless of what she has on her plate.

The biggest part of true R is being honest in good times and bad.

The mind movies will hit when we least expect it. The mind, its a tricky bastard.

Don't beat yourself up over this. This is normal but hopefully you can discuss what's going on and move toward each other vs. away from each other.

Your WW also needs to be supportive and loving.

Open up, be honest and let it off your chest. You will feel better.

You are feeling insecure and scared...address it.

Sending hugs. Good luck.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her and she tried to help. She really does have really big problems going on though so in this instance I really do need to support her- we can support each other- it's just my brain turning against me.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Alea iacta est...


Posts: 555 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today has been shit- my wife has her own stuff to deal with so why the hell has my brain decided to go down the mind movie route??!

Bro, if you ever figure that one out let me know. It just happens. Sorry it's happening to you right now.

I need to be supportive and loving so I've been trying to distract myself but I'm struggling.

You've taken a direct hit from a huge shit bomb my friend. And I believe you are in the same boat as I am, fairly new at this. You need as much love and support as anyone because your life has been turned upside down. I hope you find it.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright Sal mate- yeah it's just a shit one today- I never dream then last night I dreamt about her acting like she was in a porn film with them dickheads- I woke up like I was gonna puke.

Been on my mind all fucking day but it isn't her fault- I mean it is but what I mean is she's been great and the work she's been doing on herself- well let's just say I'm actually really proud.

Which makes me think fuck off brain- why are you going 'there'!!!

Hope you're OK mate


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Alea iacta est...


Posts: 555 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) idiot

Sorry for the bad day. Do you have another appointment with your IC?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3176 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Come on Karma wave your magic wand!! Please?

Yeah it's thursday I think- or maybe wednesday- don't worry I'll check and I'll be there.

Thing is I don't get why today is different- I was thinking last night about condoms- I don't even know why- and then I dreamt all shitty so today I've been trying to distract myself- it's like 1:20am and I don't want to go to sleep because my mind's whirring.

She hasn't done nothing she's been a diamond all day and now she's asleep. She come back from counselling a bit upset so I was being all nice and I listened and then I told her what I dreamt and she made me feel better for that moment.

What can I do??


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Alea iacta est...


Posts: 555 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You crack me up.

Go to the computer, oh wait you are there...

Ok, go to google and enter these words

ROLLER COASTER

then hit enter, what'd ya get?

That's why today is different.

You have gotten on a ride, and not the good kind. The way you feel right this minute is not how you will feel in 10 minutes or twenty or tomorrow.

It's almost like being a rapid-cycling bi-polar personality. Up down, round and round in an hour or two.

It's exhausting.

Then bring along the feelings of being responsible for your wife's healing and emotional stability and you have a cup that over-flows.

Take care of your roller-coaster right now. You can check in with her...shake your pom poms but don't take on her healing.

(((hugs))) tomorrow will be better because you will be one day further along....

P.S.

What did you name the dog?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3176 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rapid cycling bi-polar? Love it ha.

I just like thought this time last year we'd be happier if she stopped getting high all the time- I thought I'd definitely be more chilled out .

Well she's totally stopped! And it would be awesome except now I'm just looking at my clean and sober wife telling me she's sorry.

I even worried (at around 3 am) that because she's sharpened up and has a clear head she might remember more about the nights and she might think about them. I know it's stupid because I know she's sorry and there's no point in me going on all the time.

The dog is still called the fucking puppy or that bloody puppy or the stupid dog or bad dog. We need to get her name sorted!!! She's not too bad really- when I bark at her she runs away from me, stares at me then her tail wags and she comes running back 'oh you were playing!' Ha the wife's warming to her- this dog had a bit ofa dramatic entrance- the Mrs and her sister went off it at me but- she's let her stay.

I don't feel angry at her I don't think- I just don't like this roller-coaster.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Alea iacta est...


Posts: 555 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just like thought this time last year we'd be happier if she stopped getting high all the time- I thought I'd definitely be more chilled out .

85, just so I fully understand the situation, are you sober now as well? Was that ever an issue for you?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35291 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you have struggled with your wife not communicating with you and now she is doing it and that is good. It is also a really good thing that she has gotten herself off the pills in the past couple of weeks especially being pregnant and I know this has been hard for both of you.

It can be hard when both the wayward and the betrayed are having a rough day, it happens. It will happen again. I think it was great that Sienna finally felt that she could come to you with something, it is hard that it was when you were having a bad day too. I am glad that she tried to help you.

That is when SI can be helpful as you saw, it was good that you reached out for help somewhere else. Having a support system in place is going to be important for you.

Be patient with yourself, these days come and go. It does get better.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No mate I don't even do drunk- no nicotine nothing.

I always want her to tell me if she's feeling shitty- she's less like a zombie now. She's been really unwell but has perked up now- and when I say I'm thinking about something she does her best to help- I'm really proud of her she's doing her best I can see that.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Alea iacta est...


Posts: 555 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Topic Posts: 16

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