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User Topic: Please help--I need perspective! OW is my children's teacher!!
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might consider letting her teach my children IF she had shown some remorse and owned up to her part in the affair. But, seeing she is not doing anything like that, and is being rather rude in the process, NO WAY would I let her near my kids. I would be afraid she would somehow act differently toward them, as her behavior with you has shown she is not a very decent person.

I would tell the principal of the school exactly what happened and why you don't want her near your kids. Let them figure something out, let her deal with the fallout of that. Maybe it will be the "catalyst" for her ending her career there and going to a different school.

[This message edited by cissi at 3:17 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Sweet)))) You still with us, honey?


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25716 | Registered: Aug 2011
SweetbutStrong
♀ New Member
Member # 37367
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, I want to thank you all for your outpouring of support. When I posted here I was hoping to get one or two responses, but to hear from so many of you was really, really touching. Thank you.

Thank you too for all the valuable advice. You gave me a lot to think about. First of all, from lurking on here (I read the WHOLE healing library), I heard about "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and I found "After the Affair" as well. My husband and I read both of them and found them immensely helpful. I just say that so you know that we are farther along the healing path than perhaps my post led you to believe. About the "cuddling and holding hands," (not even kissing) I realize that it sounds like I am completely in denial, but I have grilled my husband in many months and I am sure I know all there is to know about that incident. I had condensed the story for the sake of length, but the cuddling/hand holding took place on a second, more local trip 2-3 months after Europe. In Europe apparently, they did spend evenings in the hotel together, sitting on the bed, talking and drinking wine, but there was only a moment when they looked at each other and almost kissed (but didn't). I also left out the fact that my son was on the Europe trip too, which I have to admit made me even more upset they had been in each other's hotel rooms and that she did stuff like sleep with her head on his shoulder on the plane when my son and his friends could have walked by at any time. It was a school trip they were supervising and they were the only two chaperones (which was also the case on the trip they had taken 2-3 months later). Do I think more would have happened eventually, in the not-so-far future? Yes. I think that if they had continued seeing each other, alone, then it would have been more physical. I think I intervened just in time. But he has sworn nothing more happened, on the lives of our children, so I have to accept it. He has spent many nights crying in my arms, showing true abject remorse, so I have to believe him. He has really changed his boundaries and behaviors (he doesn't go out with his co-workers after work unless I am also there) and he tells me about all his interactions with any of the younger women on staff. The NC love letter that he wrote was immediately after disclosure last summer when he was seriously in the fog. In fact, I think he was in the fog for months afterward, and he still slips into it from time to time. He has changed jobs, and he did tell his principal why he was switching schools (though he didn't go into any details about what had happened between him and the other teacher).

After I heard confirmation from ALL of you that I am not over-reacting and my feelings are perfectly normal (!) I had a serious talk with my husband and got him to understand why this was so important to me (not having the OW teach my kids), and should be, also, for him. He said he supports me and told me it is "a big deal!" (Yes, finally!). We are going to work to change the situation together.

It really helped me, StillHere09, when you wrote:

Consider this, too - You want your kids to have a healthy home life, and are considering making the ultimate sacrifice of bearing this burden privately. Believe me, you are only human, and the burden you would bear would most certainly be sensed by your children. Their home life would be affected.

You're so right, and you expressed in a way that I was able to share with my husband.

I would like to address more of what many of you have written, but I have to get ready for work now. Thanks again for all your posts. I will keep you updated on my situation.....


Me: BS (43) Him: WS (43)
Together 20+ years, Married 16 years
3 fantastic kids, 17, 13, 10
D-day: 07/2012, TT until 10/2012. LT EA 1.5-2 years with single co-worker (9 years younger).

Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: PNW
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you were able to talk to your husband and that he agrees and is on the same page now.

As far as believing that your husband has disclosed all that has happened, there does come a point, if you are reconciling, that you just have to believe that they have told you all. There really is no way (I don't really agree with polygraphs) to know if all has been disclosed and we just have to take a leap of faith. Very hard to do unless you are rugsweeping.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9797 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
katiej
♀ Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pretty much agree with everything that you all have posted on here as well. The thing that really hit me was when SweetbutStrong said:

But he has sworn nothing more happened, on the lives of our children, so I have to accept it. He has spent many nights crying in my arms, showing true abject remorse, so I have to believe him.

That was a bit of a trigger for me because with each new detail and discovery, my husband would say that now I know everything and swore on our children's lives, the Bible, our parent's graves, you name it. Many agonizing tears, and groveling, even looking me directly in the eyes with the most remorseful face. And it all turned out to be untrue and just an act of self-preservation. He no longer was cheating but he was also not telling me everything. In hindsight he knows that this was a HUGE mistake on his part but he really felt that if I knew the full extent of his PA's, I wouldn't even give our marriage a chance. He was remorseful, but he still wasn't willing to tell me everything.

I still don't believe I know everything and don't necessarily believe he's told me all (and probably doesn't remember it all either) but I have seen the hard work he's done on himself, the changes in words and actions that have held up for more than 5 years,and I have come to accept that I probably don't know everything and that he probably still has some secrets. But I can accept that and unless his behaviors and actions show differently, will continue to give him the grace to reconcile. Truthfully, it bothers him now when I say I don't believe I know everything.... but he understands why.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't feel you ever "have" to believe him based on what he says right now. Give it more time. It's so hard not to believe them, isn't it? especially in the beginning when all your life together you've never had a reason not to? And can't imagine that they would ever make the choices that they did? I just don't want you to be blown away if you ever discover much more happened than what you believe. BTDT and it is sooooooo painful.

Hopefully some of this makes sense.

(((SweetbutStrong)))


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 480 | Registered: May 2007
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreeing with you, Katiej. My STBX sobbed his eyes out, swearing on all that was holy that he wasn't cheating. I never in a million years would have thought it was possible for a human being to act like that and not be truthful. I never in a million years would have thought that STBX would look me right full-on in the eyes and lie without blinking, without glancing away, without his pupils even changing size.

Which is my way of saying that tears & drama alone are meaningless. In fact, they are sometimes the most potent lies in a cheater's toolbox because we, the betrayed, want so much to believe.

Please, don't anyone here think that tears mean anything. There's only two ways to know the truth of a situation. One, the actions of the cheater will show if they are still cheating. And Two, the gut of the betrayed will tell them if they know what they need to know.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9821 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with working on not letting her be your children's teacher any longer.

You know, in my mind, a teacher is a role model for a child, a guide through life, whether it's reading, writing and math, P's & Q's minding, and so on. FWIW, I think you are right to not trust the woman who went off with your spouse, no matter what the claim of their time together is...they still did it, both knowing he has a family and a wife. They made the choices to cross boundaries and again it's only me, but if Perv ever had a drink with one of the teacher's at DD's school, that would be enough for me to flip in and of itself.

I noticed after he had abandoned us and I became pregnant, when we were looking at baby names a few months ago, he was rather quick to remember one of the names I liked matching one of the flashier teachers at the school. I don't know if our senses are heightened, like we grow antennae, but it isn't something I forgot. I did notice one name I had matched a retiring teacher, and he did not point that out!

So anyway, I think you have a sound thought process, but what to do about it? It's easy to say, "just report her" and all of this and I agree they should know what she's been doing.

But I would tread carefully and think long and hard as you are, because we can't take things back, can we? We live in a really small town, too-there aren't even stop lights or stores-and luckily the school staff has people who don't live here, but gossip is still gossip.

I've heard some leaks when I worked there and they were staff that signed hippa forms, too!

I wish you luck in finding out what to do. I don't know if it's helpful, but the principal at DD's school is quite receptive to helping parents. Maybe something like asking her how to report a "confidential problem" could be a way to start. It's also my thought that being in touch with OW herself won't be much good and may have it's own "ramifications", like if she got uppity and decided to retaliate.

And I'm sorry for your hard time but also relieved to hear it sounds like you don't believe the PBS version of what your WH told you about the trip(s).

Alcohol and hotel rooms and hand-holding only? Nah, I don't buy it either. I'm sorry.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. I notice in your profile that WH is NPD, SA and PA, too. Perv is, too.

It's not a nice mix, is it?

I'm really impressed you are getting remorse, with the NPD and surprised about the hand holding with the SA description. I'm sorry, it doesn't fit and makes me worry what truths you are getting.

I don't want to be a wet blanket, but I really hope the A is all done-I was tricked, so maybe am oversensitive or suspicious, but I don't know.

And FWIW, when he pretended to R and then the true colors came out, anything and everything I said during R is being torn apart and used against me now. Any remorse I ever got is/was fake.

NPD and remorse are ... rare. And I hope they are true for you.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28 had great advice. This si an issue the principal and staff at the school can manage better than the School Board. Be persistant and use the words "educational objectives" alot.

Also,

...where they had flirted and started to get physical, spending evenings in each other's hotel rooms and drinking wine. He told me that they only cuddled on the bed and held hands,

At a school event as a chaporone, being caught in another chaporone's room drinking would be the huge offense. Once you are in there a little sex is nothing. The step to the first kiss is typically much greater (and longer in time) than the step from kiss to sex.

Not that it really matters at this point I guess as betrayal is betrayal, and he is working on R with you. I know FWW has not told me the whole truths either and I figure I know enough and she can keep her secrets. They eat away at her more than me.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:46 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
mindbody
♀ Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

her reply was that she would not be guilt-tripped and if I didn't want my kids to be taught by her I should do what I saw fit.

Seems as though she has given you advice and permission to do whatever you want to do. I think she is banking on you not exposing. Go ahead and tell the principal/school master that you don't want her as their teacher. He/She will most likely ask you why and then just be honest.

How your H responds may reveal more important information to help you make your decisions.


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2010
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But he has sworn nothing more happened, on the lives of our children, so I have to accept it.

You do NOT have to accept it.

FWH swore on his beloved mother's recently deceased soul that they never touched, when they in fact had sex twice.

I know you WANT to believe it to move forward, but you ARE being Trickle Truthed here. He may even be thinking that he's sparing you heartbreak by not telling you these details, but it is cowardice at the root of his motivations.

Please. PLEASE believe us. Nobody has wine in a hotel room away from their spouses and "almost" kisses but doesn't.

I don't want to upset you - I want you to live in the light of truth. He's going to say anything he can to protect himself, maybe even to protect her. LISTEN to your gut.

(((SbS)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In Europe apparently, they did spend evenings in the hotel together, sitting on the bed, talking and drinking wine, but there was only a moment when they looked at each other and almost kissed (but didn't). I also left out the fact that my son was on the Europe trip too, which I have to admit made me even more upset they had been in each other's hotel rooms and that she did stuff like sleep with her head on his shoulder on the plane when my son and his friends could have walked by at any time.

If they were so bold as to let her sleep with her head on his shoulder where anybody could see, why do you think they wouldn't be MORE bold behind the closed doors of a hotel room?

Wine, bed, talking, but nothing more? That takes a great deal of trust to believe, do you have that kind of trust in him?


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Guttedagain
♀ Member
Member # 39126
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my WS case, he swore on our childrens lives and also on his dying fathers life while breaking his heart , but he still TT'd me so please be wary and follow your gut. My WS is full of remorse and working on himself. He said it was fear of losing us that kept him from telling the whole truth. Makes me so angry they only feel like that after they've had their fun.


BS me 46
WS him 49
Married almost 25 yrs, together almost 30
2 DD 18 & 13
Dday #1 14/4/13
TT until Dday #2 28/4/13
Living one day at a time

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, My first inclination would be to tell her to find another teaching job or you will expose how she had an A with one of father's of a student in the school.However, since your H teaches
also, that could jeopardize his job.
Next solution would be to take your kids out of that school immediately. If y our 8th grader can avoid having her as a teacher maybe he could stay but the others-NO.
But, she also is daring you to say something, so maybe you just need to let the principal know what is going on
and ask that y our children not be assigned to her class.
Better yet, your H should do this-not you. He needs to fix this so that y ou are comfortable and feeling safe.
Let's just see how sorry he really is.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just chiming in with my own agreement, that you should contact the principal and be quite frank about the reasons behind your request not to have any official interaction between your children and the OW.

- What if she is asked to chaperone a trip that your children choose to take in the future? The school should know that she was not a responsible chaperone - that in fact she was using the children's trip to conduct an affair. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but why are the chaperones drinking wine while being the only two adults in charge of a group of children? In our neck of the woods that's totally forbidden, and in fact we have to sign agreements that will will not be impaired at any time while traveling. What if there had been an emergency?

- Also consider that this teacher might talk to others in the school, formulating a preemptive story that casts herself in a victim's light. The last thing you want is for a rumor to start that your children's friends or your children's other teachers might hear. By telling the principal and other administrators, you're ensuring that she cannot easily come up with a preemptive story to cast blame solely on your WH, or imply he was a predator, or sexually harassing her. By telling the truth first, and openly, as embarrassing as that might be, you are helping to keep a light on the dark corners that might otherwise harbor her inner cockroach-like tendencies.

As far as your WH's version of events, "the truth" was also sworn by my FWH on the lives of our children. But it wasn't the truth. He's horrified and filled with shame about that now. For a while he denied ever making such an oath. But years later he admitted that he remembered when he said this, swearing on our child's life to convince me of a lie. I'm not saying your WH is the same, but that if you ever feel a niggle in your gut about his story, do investigate further.


Posts: 3193 | Registered: Mar 2005
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

her reply was that she would not be guilt-tripped and if I didn't want my kids to be taught by her I should do what I saw fit.

I honestly feel that you should contact the principal of the school. It sounds as though your WH has laid the groundwork to corroborate the inappropriate behaviour by leaving the school, and it does not sound as though she denied the affair. She probably thinks you won't expose her.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH also swore on our children's lives- it was all crap.
I'm glad you are taking precautions to make sure your child doesn't interact with this woman.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a teacher. Tell her principal. At the very least, he/she will probably keep her from being assigned to your kids. Blow their little secret wide open-- believe me, in a school environment, people will start talking about it, and they deserve to see the consequences of their actions. If your WH ever has any second thoughts about NC, being treated like a pariah might help to solidify his stance.

ETA: This happened to a married colleague of mine. No one thought that she was being cute or romantic by pretending that she was a teenager and going after a married colleague. Everyone gossiped about her and thought she'd lost her mind.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:33 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gosh, if I had a nickel for every betrayed spouse who believed their husband's affair was only emotional and not physical, I'd probably be a very rich lady right now.

Sweet, my ex tried to pull the same bullsh*t story on me, about them sharing a hotel room but having no physical contact, and blah blah blah. He even swore on the LIFE of his sainted mother who was undergoing cancer treatment and had a 50-50 chance of surviving.

Cheaters LIE. And then they SWEAR to it on their own children's lives, their parent's lives, and any other thing they CAN to get you to believe their pitiful lies.

There's much more to this story than you've been told, as everyone else here whose already LIVED this nightmare has already tried to explain to you in this thread. We all see a little of ourselves in you because we all wanted to believe our WS's too, when they lied and said nothing had happened. Then, when the real truth came out, it was devastating all over again.

Sooner or later, the truth WILL come out - especially if you start pushing for it.

Wishing you strength.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
stillhere09
♀ Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Read circe's post again. I second every word.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 74
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