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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do you see marriage vows now?
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am struggling to understand the vows that we both took and then he broke. In looking back at our marriage, I still see pain, a broken promise, and a marriage riddled with infidelity. My fWH says that he is sad that I cannot see any happiness that we shared in our wedding day or in our 10 years together. Looking at pictures is hard. Our wedding day was great, but I think of it only as a day that he said he would be faithful and broke that vow to me. (He also had sex with the OW in our special town where we were married.)

That marriage is dead to me right now. How have others coped with this?


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At some point we will be renewing our vows with vows we have written ourselves.

To me, the vows we took on our wedding day were irrevocably broken. When (and if) i get to the point where i want to recommit myself to him, we will renew our vows to give our marriage a new beginning.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm coming to terms with the memories being tainted in all honesty. My fWS finds it tragic that I can't look at wedding photos without a grimace or feeling nothing bu sadness. It was a beuatiful, perfect, magical day, but it was a day where she made solemn promises before family and friends, and then broke them. I struggle with that, and in fairness so does she. she can't believe what she did any more than I can, even though we now both have a very good grasp of "why".

I don't think we will be renewing our vows, even though we've toyed with the idea from time to time. Promises like that seem to mean nothing to me now because they are clearly so easily forgotten or ignored if one wants to forget or ignore them. I appreciate the nihilistic aspect of that, but there you go. I don't try to be a good husband because I promised to be. I try to be a good husband because it's the right thing to do. I would rather be honoured in tiny ways each day than made a grand gesture which is consigned to photo frames and facebook.

I don't care what my wife says she will be. I care about what my wife is on a day to day basis. I don't care about what she vows to do. I care about what she does.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 10:29 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel married anymore. He broke those vows when he cheated...and continued to damage the marriage with TT and lies and basically shitty behavior.

Our anniversary is next Saturday..he wants to do something to celebrate. Celebrate what,is what I want to know. Our marriage didn't mean anything to him a few years ago..but he wants to celebrate.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think we will be renewing our vows, even though we've toyed with the idea from time to time. Promises like that seem to mean nothing to me now because they are clearly so easily forgotten or ignored if one wants to forget or ignore them

I feel like this too. I don't feel married-can't imagine wasting breath on renewing vows. WH would like to. I'd like him to not have cheated.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do feel married still and I have kept my vows. Obviously, they were just words to my FWH, although I do believe on that day his intentions were good and he planned on keeping the vows.

I will not be renewing our vows. I have kept mine, nothing to renew. FWH obviously has no problem breaking vows/promises. Why would a second time make it more meaningful or less likely to break when I believe his initial intentions were to never break them? *shrugs*


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't make a lot of sense in answering this question. Vows and commitments are very important to me.

For me, the original vows remain valid. I won't be part of renewing vows, because IMO that would somehow invalidate the original ones and give my W a pass. That's my choice - YMMV.

I just have to live with my W's violating her vows, and that's very hard to do.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9740 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will not be renewing our vows. I have kept mine, nothing to renew. FWH obviously has no problem breaking vows/promises. Why would a second time make it more meaningful or less likely to break when I believe his initial intentions were to never break them? *shrugs*

that's pretty much where I am tbh. I remain confident about our marriage because of her actions, not her words. I'm sure the same is true of her.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They mean alot to me ! i kept it . FWH meant it at the time and loss sight of them for whatever reason ..and quickly regretted it and i told him forget the vows they mean nothing now and he fought it so hard and said yes he broke them ,but is recommitted to it and that i can not tell him to forget it because he wants them back and he will live by them and prove to me soooo....yeah they mean something and i guess now the have a new meaning to him

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 10:47 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty much agree with SMS. Not only did my wife break our marriage vows, she broke a promise she made to me years after we were married to divorce me before cheating on me (yeah, I probably saw it coming). Why would I put any hope that she would remain true to any future vows?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3740 | Registered: Dec 2011
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do people have to renew their vows?

Have the vows changed?

Did they not really mean it the first time and want to get it right by doing it over?

I kept my vows. I did it right the first time.

I'm not doing it again because he was too much of a dirtbag to keep up with me. If he wants to make these vows again, he can do it with someone else.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want a reaffirmation of vows once we make it through all this and are in a better place. No, they didn't expire, but clearly we lost sight of the vow/commitment we made (madhatters) and I feel like a reaffirmation is a way of saying "I remember what I promised you. I'm sorry I screwed up but I have recommited to this."

That doesn't mean either of us gets a pass for what we did. It's not about "easier to ask forgiveness than permission," it's not a bandaid fix or a reward or anything like that. But sometimes when you get through something really difficult, it's good to recognize how far you've come, and I'd like to do that with a vow reaffirmation. Not something big and public, just the two of us would be fine, but a formal profession of our renewed commitment to each other.

As far as the vows - we have a framed piece of art in our home that is our vows and all of our guests signatures. I took it down and made it face the wall the other night. I'm not ready to put it back up yet. I'm not sure what that says about me.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sue1964
♀ Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see a total waste of time and would never do again.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the BS and broke far more vows than Mr Lucky ever did.

When we renewed our vows it was as much as a family commitment, our kids were 18 & 15 at the time, as it was a strong affirmation for R.

We also wrote our own new vows which had far more meaning than the vows we had taken all those years ago.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In all honesty I don't really feel married right now. As far as I'm concerned, when he did this he broke the marriage "contract" and therefore the marriage is no more.

Sorry I can't be more positive, but this is how I feel.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He proved they were meaningless.

I have kept my vows. As far as I'm concerned, his vows were utter garbage and I regret buying the whole M propaganda in the first place.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Aug 2011
spinningwheel
♀ New Member
Member # 39336
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marriage vows still mean to me what they meant 25 years ago when we made them. A covenant relationship between a couple and God.

I truly believed vows meant the same thing to him as they did to me. Sadly, I was wrong.

He says he's in agreement with me now. I hope I'm not wrong in choosing to extend a little trust in that.

If we succeed with Reconciliation, I would insist on new vows.


Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to dismiss the validity of vows for anyone, but in looking at them, they are just words. I will have a hard time believing any words from most people for a long time. Right, wrong or indifferent it is just another crappy outcome of this.

I have adopted the approach that words people speak aren't always true and I don't want to live my life trying to figure out which ones are false. If there is one you ought to be able to believe it is words in a fancy ceremony in a church with people watching. Words can be untrue, nebulous or even outright lies.

I do watch actions.

I may have taken that a little far, but hey, the way I deal and my .02.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2538 | Registered: May 2010
MUFan
♀ Member
Member # 38284
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never cheated on fWH but I have broken the vows of forsaking all others. I have put my children before him many many times. He broke his vows before he ever cheated. Every time he put friends, family, church, ministry ahead of me and my needs, the vows were broken.
This realization has helped me immensely although I realized he has betrayed me more than just the once.
I want to renew vows when I know we are fully reconciled. Not sure when that will be, but I know we will get there.


Me (35)
fWH (35)- emotional affair that ended after a ONS (1-24-13)
4 kids
"Ah yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."
-The Lion King

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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