Topic: How do you see marriage vows now?
Member # 34478
| Posted: 3:03 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
It's funny when you read back through them they kind of overlap and cover each other.
For better or for worse. That covers both parties to a large extent. Meaning if I hose up, then the other just promised they wouldn't bail out just because they did something worse.
The promises, vows, etc are a bunch of crap. She knows what they meant and so did I. She broke 'em and had a fella with a big enough heart to not kick her to the curb. I don't need to say shit again. She can be all done talking now and get busy doing.
Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 39083
| Posted: 3:29 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
Well, I am the betrayed spouse and what keeps on ringing in my ears is "in sickness and in health." And what *my* vows and obligations are. My spouse is a SA (porn, strip bars)who disclosed and sought help. I absolutely believe that he is sick/addicted and I also recognize that that addiction took root in a character that was weak and selfish in some ways. So, it is sickness but not all sickness.
I have struggled with what I owe him in terms of his recovery - - esp. since he has thrown himself into it full-force. The vows I made weren't to run at the first sign of trouble . . . but this has severely tested my loyalty and love. At the end of the day if we can't repair things and have a loving marriage I will leave but to me, speaking personally, part of my vow was at least to try to repair things (with quite a few limits and boundaries there).
[This message edited by cds22 at 3:29 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]
Posts: 235 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39377
| Posted: 3:43 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
WH wanted to renew our vows a while back. He was still trying to keep his A's in the dark so new vows would have been a sick joke IMO. My wedding ring is as much a bad reminder of broken vows and will not grace my hand ever again.
BW 40's - WH 50's
M 20yrs, T 23yrs
Multiple EA, OA,& PA's
Thankful for my faith in God to be my strong tower.
Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38162
| Posted: 6:16 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
I know this is cynical but right now I see the whole concept of vows as magical thinking, along the lines of superstition.
Wedding vows are only as strong as the person who makes them. They don't have the power to heal abusive childhoods or grant healthy coping skills or bestow personal boundaries.
I stupidly thought that solemn promises made in a sacred space in front of our best friends and family had inherent meaning. False.
For WH, our vows were as effective as knocking on wood or throwing salt over your left shoulder. We should have asked my parents for the money they spent on the wedding and used it for IC instead.
As for saying vows before God, having a religious wedding and belief in God doesn't stop people from cheating.
Rings are not effective either, of course. If WH can overlook his own beloved children, a tiny circle of platinum isn't going to give him pause. As for potential OW's backing off when they see the ring, ours wanted a married guy .
Ack. This post is negative.
Maybe I should focus on all the years WH did keep his vows . . .
[This message edited by sailorgirl at 9:53 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]
Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 35215
| Posted: 6:40 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
I'm not sure what I believe anymore. I took down any wedding photo of us that I still had up or any picture of him and me before we were married and after. In fact right now there are no pictures of WH up around the house, if that is not a reminder of broken trust and vows I don't know what is.
I don't see M or relationships the way I used to. Just like I do not see my M the way I used to.
BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended
Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 38975
| Posted: 7:16 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
Well it's been 18 months post DDay so if you would have asked me this before I am sure the evil scorned monster would have answered VERY differently.
Today I say my vows remain true. He broke them I did not. I actually stood by them in good times and bad (really bad) but I firmly believe in the sacrament of marriage.
I can not undo what was done but I can be a testament of what I am and what I believe. If he chooses otherwise then that is his doing.
I will not compromise myself because he has. Let him make the choice and I will respond.
For worse = that's what we are living. What heroes we are. God never promised it would be easy but he did promise it would be worth it.
In the words of Journey "don't stop believing..."
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou
Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38879
| Posted: 7:18 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
I struggle with what our vows meant to my WH. I am in the same boat as below, just substitute husband for wife and she for he. Words are cheap, actions have value. I want to be valued.
I don't care what my wife says she will be. I care about what my wife is on a day to day basis. I don't care about what she vows to do. I care about what she does.
I need him to vow everyday to make me his priority, to make me his focus, to make me feel safe & secure. And he is getting there. I don't *think* we'll renew vows - words have little meaning now. He told her the words I needed to hear. And now I can't hear them.
BS - mid 50's
WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2year+ "passionate" EA/PA
Married 30+ years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day
8/14 - I may be done, we will see
Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
Member # 35924
| Posted: 7:28 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
For me, the original vows remain valid. I won't be part of renewing vows, because IMO that would somehow invalidate the original ones and give my W a pass. That's my choice - YMMV.
I just have to live with my W's violating her vows, and that's very hard to do.
This for me also.
If I choose to discard my vows, I'll let her know.
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable
Posts: 321 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Member # 36976
| Posted: 7:46 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
Ha Ha Ha! I believe I have the right to get out anytime I can't take it. (of course I'll be honest and not sneak around.) He broke our vows. Like a hymen that can't be unbroken.
Posts: 616 | Registered: Sep 2012
|I think I can|
Member # 17756
| Posted: 9:02 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
Interesting. I see them differently. I see vows as ideals--and human beings don't always attain the ideals they strive for. But the ideals still remain true and valid.
I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.
Posts: 8811 | Registered: Jan 2008
Member # 21259
| Posted: 10:19 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
My fWW gets upset that I don't think much of our new rings. To her, they're new wedding rings - the old ones are a part of the "old marriage". To me, they're just rings. She didn't like that I wasn't as diligent as she is about wearing it, saying "a holy man doesn't have to bless them."
I said that it had nothing to do with anything religious. It has everything to do with vows. Promises. Your Word.
I'm a former Marine... my word is everything to me - not so much to fWW. She countered with "you broke your vows to honor and cherish" - which I said was a matter of opinion... "forsaking all others" that she broke, was pretty cut-and-dried.
She didn't like being called out like that, but TFB.
Personally, in the big picture... Vows didn't mean much to her in the first place, I don't think I'll be renewing them with her anytime soon. Why would they mean much more to her the second time around?
With someone new, and having had a discussion about how important vows/promises/Your Word is to me, maybe I could say them again...
Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50
D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married
Posts: 428 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
|Topic Posts: 31|