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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Fastest Way to Recovery
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Happy  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I am sure we all want to know what the fastest way to get through all this is. Again, remember this is a marathon not a sprint. But I wanted to share some things that are currently helping me get through this and heal.

First, this has nothing to do with my wife. I have been working on me. I feel the fastest way to get on the path to feeling good is to work on YOURSELF!! I have been on a journey to make me a better me. I have been going through what my issues were growing up. What was blocking me from living the life I want. I figured out what I brought into this relationship from my childhood/life experiences. I work on changing my mindset of these. Acknowledging what it was and changing it. I work daily on my confidence. I am a good person, good looking, I am genuine, I am someone that is worth and deserves a healthy relationship. I work on not needing my wife. The fact is I am working on me for me. If it doesn't workout then so be it. I will be ok. I will find love again. I will move forward in life. I want a happy life whether that is with my wife or not. That is my manifestation.

"Mentality creates your Reality."

I have come to the conclusion that I don't need her validation to make me feel whole. I love who I am and who I am becoming. I have made ALOT of personal changes and continue to grow for myself. I am going to be ok regardless what the future holds. I forgive myself for my faults. I love myself for who I am and what I am striving for. I will have a happy life with my kids. I will have love in my life. I will be a stronger me. This experience has really molded a better me. WHY??? Because rather than stay in the victim role, I am taking the lessons I learned/am learning and making positive changes in MY life. Now whether my wife is in my happy life and my future... that is up to her. It can be a great life from here on out but she has to figure that one out for herself. Right now we are doing better. Right now we have the same wants and goals. So right now we are on this path/journey together. BUT I am not going to accept anything less than what I want. I am projecting my desires and needs. I want a happy life, a stronger marriage, a better family life, a more positive me, a purpose. I want a wife that is passionate about our life, Passionate about me and loves herself. I am a good man and any woman would be fortunate to have my heart. I can live with that. Again, whether or not my wife wants to be on this journey is up to her. She is going to have to dig deep and learn to love herself (which she is working hard on). Since she is working hard on that the best gift I can give her is my patience and understanding. But I will continue to find myself. I will continue to grow and I will continue to find a happier ME You see its all about YOU!!! Its all about your mindset. YOUR Mentality WILL Create YOUR Reality!!!


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basically you are describing the 180.. keep in mind that R isn't a sprint but a marathon. There really is no "end" so to speak.. R is a lifelong commitment.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great post!
well said


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2407 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not describing a 180. I am very much involved in my wife and relationship. I give it my 110% I am present in my relationship. I am there for my wife. I love my life. I love me. I have a purpose. But I have to heal me. In order to heal my relationship. 180 would be me pulling away but I am putting my chips all in. It's a combination I suppose. I find this mentality of me being ok with myself helps our life to recovery. Beats the hell out having doubt and a lack of confidence in myself. My wife has seen massive changes and it is helping our entire life

[This message edited by IGaveItMyAll at 12:42 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 doesn't pull you away. It's all about taking care of you. Becoming stronger is the ultimate goal. How everyone goes about it is entirely up to us... and yes, loving yourself is is key..


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK then yes its a 180 mentality lol. I really feel that loving yourself is SOOOO important in recovery. It helps get your feet grounded. I figure if I can't love "ME" who can I love.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Positive self-talk is HUGE in healing.


If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero. - J. Winger

Posts: 17563 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly!!

For me, loving myself, also made Mr Lucky fall that much more in love with me too.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, loving myself, also made Mr Lucky fall that much more in love with me too
Thats AWESOME!!!


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. One of our M issues was a lack of love.

I figure if I can't love "ME" who can I love.

My take was, I need to love myself to be able to let someone else love me. I wasn't and he didn't. Or if he did, I didn't see it.

Things are much better, I am amazing, and he sees it. Everyday I am stronger and need him less, I want him but don't need him for my self esteem. So I need him less, but want him more. KWIM?


BS - mid 50's
WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2year+ "passionate" EA/PA

Married 30+ years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day
9/14 - getting better. Damn!


Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I Know Exactly What you Mean


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the fastest way to get on the path to feeling good is to work on YOURSELF!!

I wish this would have come to me early on. Even when i was in inpatient my counselor there kept telling me you cannot change WH you can only change yourself.

After DDay#4 I let go of my M and started focusing 100% on me and it was the best thing I ever did. Even if we don't make it, I have me


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your words are so true. It takes so much to get to the realization we need to whole ourselves and hope our SO will come to that same conclusion.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Austin
♀ New Member
Member # 39420
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the positive post. You are so right, you are an inspiration.! I am not there yet but you have given me courage!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the post. Over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling the beginnings of what you're describing. It's hugely empowering and actually lets me feel closer to my WW because I now I don't need her.

Weird how that works out, eh?

What I didn't expect was her reaction. She's been making a greater effort to be close to me and is starting to act insecure.

And that's why we go to MC :-)


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 15

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