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User Topic: Is it happening again?!
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You need a new therapist. Your therapist told you that you are essentially the problem and your wife's relationship with K is perfectly normal? Is that the gist? That fries me.

She felt that I simply was reading way too much into this relationship with K and blowing things way out the proportion and even been destructive with my thoughts and actions.

Seriously??? Someone with a license to practice said this? After one meeting with you? That is BS.

Your wife goes out alone with other men, a married woman...she has cheated in the past. She doesn't like having to check in with you and on and on..and may not go on vacation with you and refuses to end this "friendship" that you don't like, in fact she is flaunting it in your face...but you are wrong and insecure??

How convenient that K had to be to work 1.5 hours before her and how convenient he lives so close to the dealership and was so nice to give her a ride to work...

You are her "best friend" and she wants the best for you whether you are together or not? Come on. That is affair speak. That ranks right up there with "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

You do not have to tolerate an unremorseful wife who likes her "best friend" at home, while she is out playing single woman...tell her to get a fucking dog. You are done playing the role.

I'm sorry Jayzee. Your therapist is off her nut, your insecurity and anxiety is perfectly normal given your wife's affair and continued behaviors.

My heart breaks for you Jayzee, because I've seen this story play out over and over here. Your wife has zero respect for you, is gaslighting, blame shifting and still one deserves to be treated that way.

FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)

Posts: 540 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always trust your gut. Even IF this is just a friendship she knows how uncomfortable you are with her friendship and still chooses to continue it. Go out with him. Not even caring bout your emotional well being. That's a huge red flag. If she was truly into your relationship she would immediately put a stop to this friendship.

My opinion if something hasn't started yet it will. Sorry. ((Hugs))

Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so pissed for you right now!

you wanna know how easy it is to make your engine light turn on?
just leave your gas cap off and start driving, that's it!!!

Take the $$$ and time you use for that quack doc and spend it on yourself, doing something that will actually benefit you!

look man, this situation is escalating... quickly.
You need to start protecting yourself NOW. Because no one else will.
That means finding out what the heck is really going on.

Think about it, you are a man, what do you honestly think this guys motives are here? You know, she knows too.

This is the best example of "gas lighting" I have ever seen on this website. She has you convinced you are crazy!

and this gem...

She agreed but the also told me not to except her to just pretend like all this turmoil we have been experiencing hasn't occurred and things will just suddenly go back to "normal".

soooo...let me get this straight...
she wants YOU to forget about all that she has done/is doing, but no way in hell is she going to live by that same standard.

She has you spinning, bro.
She is manipulating you.

From the very beginning of this mess, she had you convinced that she is the prize and you need to WIN her back. That YOU need to become what she wants so that she needn't screw around anymore. FUCK THAT!
That is so ass backwards I can't even figure out how finish this sentence without cuss words...UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE.

YOU are the prize!
The problem is, she seems to think that she is entitled to forgiveness .
Yet, she has no clue what forgiveness is, or what it costs.
No, what she wants is "forgetness".
What she wants is a pass, a waiver.

I repeat,
this is escalating.
You need to become Columbo.
Its time to go Gil Grissom on her.

I'm not just pissed here, I'm concerned for your safety as well.
STDs exist, and affairs are known for ending badly.

please protect yourself.

The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2407 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if her car needs more work and needs to stay at the dealership a few is she going to get around? With K?

If K goes in 1.5 hrs earliar than your W, then I assume he gets out earliar also. Right?

How is she gonna pick up her car?

Should be an interesting evening, don't be surprise if she bails on you tonight.

Find out where this K lives, find out what he drives.

If your gonna fight for your marriage, your going to need all the info/intel that you need!

Also, if she decides to spend the night at hers moms home, best do a drive- by!

Trust but verify!

Posts: 1545 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jayzee, think about this, please! This was your first session with the therapist. She does not know your wife. She has never met your wife. She does not yet know you. She has only had a small glimpse of you, and a small glimpse of your marriage through the lens of a patient (you) who is going through a crisis. Part of that glimpse was the knowledge that your wife has cheated on you, and has poor to no boundaries with men. And based on that, she actually made this statement:

She felt that I simply was reading way too much into this relationship with K and blowing things way out the proportion and even been destructive with my thoughts and actions.

Do you realize that NO reputable therapist would say something like that in the first meeting? Seriously, jayzee, do you know that good therapists do NOT make generalizations like this about a brand new patient with almost no history, background or knowledge? I'm furious on your behalf! What an unprofessional session that was! She told you to grovel, and to let your WS make all the choices about the future of the marriage while you cower and apologize? And part of your "flaw" was that YOU didn't set boundaries for your W? Seriously?

Of course your wife was THRILLED to hear about this IC session, since it absolved her for all responsibility, she could then assume the role of the "victim" and to top it off, she could flaunt her continuing relationship with K to you while you are at your lowest point. And string you along about whether or not she will be a wife to you. And tell you that you are her "friend"! (Meanwhile, you'd better believe she's telling K that you and she are "just friends, at this point in the marriage") So of course she's going to tell you that THIS IC is really good for you, since the IC is laying all blame at your door.

Ugh, I am so sorry man. This makes me so sick to read.

I'm really sorry, but your wife is having an affair with K. At this point it might just be an EA. But a real counselor would not tell you to overlook your wife's growing relationship with a coworker after acknowledging that she has poor boundaries with men.

To be quite honest, it sounds like your IC is rooting for your wife to leave you, and enabling your wife's affair.

There are so many damaging and terrible IC's jayzee. I know that in your mind, the experience and credentials of her degrees carry more weight than a bunch of anonymous posters on a message board. But consider the cumulative weight of all our experience, all our mistakes and successes, and how strongly woven the tapestry of our combined stories. And so many books written by professionals, with such great reviews and success stories from thousands of people who have "been there". None of them will tell you to grovel, to apologize, to ignore your gut, to give your wayward wife more time alone with another man and to take the blame for not setting boundaries for her. None of them. Your IC is giving you really, really bad advice. I'm so sorry man.

[This message edited by circe at 2:11 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Posts: 3195 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are paying someone good money to give you bad advice. You will get much better advice for free here on SI from people who have lived through this nightmare. Fire your IC, she doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground. Also, I hate to chip away at whatever little bit of trust you are trying to have in your WW, but dude, she is cheating on you again. NO FWS would EVER get into another close friendship with anyone from the opposite sex if they were truly remorseful and NOT cheating. She is playing you for a fool. Please get a VAR in her vehicle and a keylogger on her computer. She probably has a hidden cell phone that you do not know about. When she is asleep go through her car with a fine tooth comb. Do not leave any area uncovered. Get a flashlight and look EVERYWHERE, inside, outside, and upside down. Look for receipts, notes, a phone and/or strange phone charger, cards, scrap paper, pens that came from a hotel. Check out everything you find to look for clues.

Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


this shit sucks all around, and to go through it X2....Its more than I can imagine.

its obvious you have put an extraordinary amount of effort into this marriage, and now it Prolly feels it was all for nothing. You shouldered a majority of the "work" , by a laaarge margin, in recovery. And now she is demanding more.

That's harsh. really, really harsh.
take care of yourself.

The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2407 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jayzee, please, what ever you do, keep posting here. Please keep us updated. You have about 15 people telling you that your wife is cheating on you and I personally need to know how this "ends".

I unfortunately concur with everyone else... And if you were emotionally capable, I would tell you to file for divorce. Not to actually divorce her, but to regain control of this situation. Your wife has you by the balls, she is cheating on you and blame shifting to maintain control so that she can cheat. Unfortunately, you aren't seeing is right now because you are being gas lighted.
If anything, keep snooping... Something will fall out to either prove us here right... Or sadly, us right. This isn't right and your gut is telling you it is. You are feeling crazy for a reason... Because she is cheating on you. Please, keep reading so that you know what to do when this all comes to light. You have to be mentally strong right now.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey JZ08,
So sorry you are going through this mess. We have a saying around here to trust your gut. Your gut has been screaming about this K character, and now you are getting some very questionable advice from a therapist to disregard your instincts. I agree with others, I would fire that therapist like yesterday!

It sounds to me like you are a thoughtful person, so I would highly suggest you check out the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. He explains how our intuitive instincts affect our conscious feelings, and how important it is to listen to that inner voice.

Please try to listen to your instincts. I am willing to bet the farm that your gut is correct. I would implement the 180 and make it clear to her that she is not welcome on vacation until she stops all contact with K. Turn things around on her instead of shouldering the blame yourself.

I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than this.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit, Batman! RYFKM??

SHE has not one, but TWO A's. You twist yourself into such a pretzel, a bad IC tells YOU to get over it, you relay that to your WW, ask her to give YOU time to change so she'll want to stay M'd to you, she gleefully says "I'll think about it" and gleefully skips along with K???? Do I have that right???

Oh sweet jayzee, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 180 her ass and file!! Does not mean it goes to the final end.

She is using you like no tomorrow. Why? B/c she can. From what I can gather she has NO desire to change a f'n thing! Why should she? She knows how to play you, and she will for as long as you let her.

PLEASE take care of Jayzee. YOU are worth so much more than the crumbs she is giving you. YOU deserve so much better.

We loyal spouses just don't have the mind set (well most of us ) to immediately go for the jugular. It takes time to get there. BTDT.

YOU can turn this around. Just probably not in the direction she wants you to go. And that's a good thing.

If this story was coming from a friend, what would you tell him? How would you guide him? Well, pretend you are your own friend.

Maybe put her, and K, and all of it down for just a bit. And look at Jayzee. See what HE wants.

We are here for you. Some guys have some great advice. We are just trying to help you avoid some of the pitfalls that we went thru. Maybe avoid some of the hurts.

Sending strength.

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
♀ Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wtf? This IC is out of her mind! How in the world can she determine you are reading too much into it after one meeting and never not once seeing your WW and K together???? How in the name of blazes is she 100% sure your WW is not currently in an A?

In my concerted opinion, your IC is in the middle of an A herself and into keeping the BH smoked.

Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
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Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or let's put it this way ... If you find out about WW and K, you will need a lawyer and potentially a PI more than you need an IC. Do you think this IC does not know this?? It sounds like she's protecting her own bottom line.

Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
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Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we are M, it's a choice for life. The only family we get to pick, so we should guard our hearts for our spouse since they have given us the gift of theirs.

Any time, especially in the case of previous infidelity, a spouse choose a friend over their life partner it indicates an issue. At the very least it indicates communication issues but often it is because the person is more than a friend.

If my husband said that some guy was an issue for him, even if I knew body, mind and soul he was wrong, I would,go NC with the guy. It would be time to focus on the M, our communication and trust.

The fact your WW isn't doing that is very telling.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
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