From what you wrote in your posts, your WW sounds very similar to my FWW at dday. With FWW it was control, she liked the feeling of control in relationships with men, and sex was a tool for maintaining that control. She also liked “winning” or being better than the OM’s BS.
She also displays all the signs of a Borderline Personality Disorder except for drugs/drinking,
She would rather go to the gym or run or (anything) other than share intimacy, make love, give or receive pleasure.
Still, it's disgusting behavior. It's not an excuse.
There is a part of me that wants to understand, be strong and there for her if she is sick, but am i just throwing myself on her grenade?
As for her: She is not wanting to own ANY of her shit (fog). In fact she's walking around like she just won the Lotto, big smiles and joyful.
Does this kind of person need to be almost forced into IC and MC?
While I was moved out, FWW experienced being separated, arriving to children’s school events separate and sitting separate, being alone in the house. This is when she decided she did want to stay M to me, and began to work on herself in IC and with books. After a few weeks of her doing this, and some “dating”, I moved back into the house. She worked on her issues for over 2 years. I detached some from her and the M during this time and worked on me. She is now much better and healthier, but our M is more companionship than love for me. She still withdraws and detaches when under stress. Sex is improved, but only 2-3x a month.
IF (big if) your WW does decide to own her issues and try to repair herself and the M it will be a long and difficult journey. BPD types are notoriously resistant to treatment, but there is therapy that works. Do not wait for her. You can “not divorce” if you want while she is working on her issues, but work on yourself during this time. Re-invent yourself. I went back to activities I had given up after M, got in better shape, expanded my social network. While FWW worked on her stuff, I got to acceptance and well along on me healing.
There is no reason to stay with a partner who has mental illness and is not making an effort to treat it. There is no reason to stay with a WS who is not remorseful and working to repair whatever led him or her to having an A.
There is rational for “not divorcing” and working on your stuff for awhile after dday so long as you feel safe in the M. By feeling safe I mean your WS is being transparent enough that you are reasonably confident that NC is holding, and that you health and finances are not at risk.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:28 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]
You need to sit her down, and tell her you are willing to R if she does XYZ, make your demands of R very clear, and also make very clear that should she not choose to do these things, or fake it, and hide her behaviors she is currently engaging in that you are done. Be very calm, and clear on these things.
She wants to think that saying sorry is it, and all is well again? No Don't allow her to rugsweep and minimize. Your wife is sick, and needs some serious IC to deal with issues she has not resolved or even begun to deal with.
Keep putting you first, make sure you are eating and sleeping.
(((and strength ))))
I wonder how many of the men she had sex with felt "conquered" after they ejaculated?
The OM probably felt conquered by her about as often as she felt like she had been f*cked and pleasured by a "Real Stud" afterwards.
They were both using each other to experience their own projections.
I dont think this is simply an excuse but is getting at some of the reasons of why. You might want to explore if she trying to conquer the OM or is she also trying to conquer you.
I think my WW LTA was partially about control / power in our relationship. The loss of control was one of the first things she expressed following DDay. Being able to keep something a secret from me, "outsmarting me", and having the power to do what she wants in the A gave her power / control. Conquer may just be her word for expressing the power / control that she felt.
If this state by you means - you believe she's still in "affair mode"....then I really have to ask: Why aren't you kicking her butt to the curb, and seeking a divorce?
I know she's taking this game to another level behind a fake attempt at patching things up.
Many of us - BS as well as WS have endured childhood sexual abuse - and we don't, and never have engaged in infidelity, or adulterous affairs.
Has your wife been diagnosed with BPD by a professional therapist? This is a very distrubing diagnosis - that doesn't respond to treatment in a quick, positive way. Are you prepared to live in a marriage with such a dismal outlook? I do understand trying to live a productive life with a close family member with this diagnosis - and I could not even imagine trying to live a happy productive life with a BPD spouse...especially with a spouse who has already cheated.
I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.