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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Now I Know
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband never asked for details. Just wanted generic stuff. I never filled out a timeline. There seemed to be no need for one.

People have come and gone on SI and the subject of timelines has come up a million and one times. I see the agony that people are going thru, how much or how little to add in, forgetting details, turning it in to their BS, the agony their BS experienced when reading it, etc. etc. I've watched from afar and think, "Whew. I'm so glad I never had to do that."

My husband and I had an experience in recent weeks that has sent both of us into a downward spiral with what feels like no brakes. In discussing the situation and the thought processes and behaviors behind it, it inevitably led to more questions about my own A. Which led to more new knowledge on his part. Which felt like TT from me. Purely gut wrenching.

Another situation popped up which forced me to really look internally and finally spill in bloody, gory detail why it was so painful for me. My husband looked at me shocked, "I never knew it affected you that way."

Of course he wouldn't know. He didn't ask, I didn't tell. In this whole communication thing, I haven't fully opened up with everything in regards with the A, because he "didn't want to know" and I thought it best to just keep it in and deal with it on my own. And we're here 18 months later, and I've realized, I've shot myself in the foot.

"Lucky" me, not filling out a timeline, not pouring out the story, is getting slapped around (by my own inner demons) because I never shared it with my husband. Had I written it all out, had I shared, we could have handled some things very differently. We're both sitting here thinking, "Well duhhhh..."

Yesterday I sat down and started writing. That fear you guys talk about? Now I know. The horror are typing and then reading what you wrote? Now I know. Going thru the details and seeing the monster that is within? Now I know. Remembering the heartache and disappointment in your beloved's eyes? Now I know. Writing it out, seeing how each choice made led you further and further into the pit and wanting to scream, "Stop! Don't do that!"? Now I know.

You people that get on here in the days and weeks following Dday and agonize about writing all this crap out? Do it. Get it out there. I totally believe that I should have done it back then. Even if it "wasn't needed". At least the information would have been there for if/when it was needed.

You come to SI with an open wound. You're bleeding out everywhere. It's ok to bleed a little more and get your story out on paper. That story is needed to heal.

Don't do what I did. Don't wait till a scab forms then realize there's a splinter underneath causing discomfort and infection. Because then you have to pick the scab back, start digging, and the bleeding starts all over again.

Now I know.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 10:12 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Aubrie))))

And I hope the 'slapped around' is just an expression:

"Lucky" me, not filling out a timeline, not pouring out the story, is getting slapped around because I never shared it with my husband.

I hope you guys spin back out of your spiral, you are doing good work in this.


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2587 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Aubrie, I'm sorry your hurting but you did what was necessary. I remember writing out a 14 page letter with details. Everything that I remembered after DDay was confessed until he said he didn't want to know anymore. I've told him time and again if he wants anything else its there for him but he doesn't want to hear about it. I know how gut wrenching it is and I am so sorry you are going through this right now but you guys will heal up and be better for it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2734 | Registered: Oct 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I hope the 'slapped around' is just an expression
Oh my God yes. Just an expression. He has never, ever laid a hand on me. I have never feared for my physical safety with him.

That was a crappy choice of words. Going to edit that pronto.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was a crappy choice of words.

Thought so - just making sure.

Give those demons a kick in the butt. And keep on sharing your great advice.

((((Aubrie))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2587 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you did what was necessary.
Thanks, but I'm far from done. Yesterday only covered the 3rd A. (God, just the thought I have not only one, but FOUR As to cover makes my toes curl.) Going thru the 4th is going to be the pits.


Thanks DMW.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Aubrie)))

You are such a hero to many, many here. Don't ever forget how far you've come


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197749 | Registered: May 2002
stroppy_wanadoo
♀ Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Aubrie)))

You are a wise, thoughtful, compassionate and determined woman. I have every confidence that you will work through this difficult time.

My best thoughts are with you!


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Jul 2006
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((aubrie)))

I am glad that you are doing this as it seems this introspection is good for you and Mr. Aubrie. Know that I am here cheering you two on.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52188 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Aubrie

I wish you guys all the best. I hope the timeline brings you both to the next steps of healing. I have a partially finished timeline on my computer and got stuck on the horrible PA with the 4th guy. My BH like yours never wanted any written details. He wanted them verbally once and left it at that. I'm beginning to notice a scab too that might need to get picked off. Every single day for the past week or 2 he has triggered and been more vocal about it all.

Man this stuff is ugly and difficult. I never want to do or say the wrong thing and have let the sleeping dog lie on details. If he didn't ask for more, I haven't said anything. Your experience is making me second guess everything. I'm not really that lucky one either that didn't need to give a timeline... Sigh.. Sorry if I t/j.. That was an accident


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 845 | Registered: Jul 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. Sure didn't mean for this to turn into a hug fest.

MUC, to make it even weirder, Mr. C (I just can't bear typing "Mr. Aubrie" anymore.) still hasn't said, "I need/want a timeline." The man has asked very little, if nothing from me since Dday. However, I know deep down that if I write this all out and he has access to it, there is a 98% chance he will read it. For whatever intent and purposes, he didn't push for it. Yet if it's there, he'll access it.

I've been trying to psych myself up all morning to open my journal and start writing again. Just can't do it today. The last one was the doozy. That's the ugliest I've ever been.

Little at a time. I think that's the way to get thru this. Just a little at a time.

No apology needed MUC. You're going thru something similar and I appreciate you sharing your experience.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Aubrie,

Thank you for your story. It is inspiring to see someone continue self-discovery. You also reminded me about getting a timeline that I asked for :-).

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent timing of this post Aubrie.

Over 3 years from d-day and still no timeline from FWH. We didn't know about the timeline until I joined SI, and that was 8 months after d-day.

I asked for a timeline after being here for awhile. Nothing. FWH said he didn't understand how to write it out. But, as we have been doing pretty good and things have been moving forward, I was okay, kind of, not having one. Still, would have liked one, but didn't think it was really necessary.

Just recently, talked to the OW's first ex-husband. I felt a real need for a timeline once again. Talked to FWH and he said he would do it. This was in March. Still, I have nothing.

Wrote a letter to FWH last week. Asked for the timeline...........again. I asked him to get back to me about the letter (not the timeline) in a week. Just this morning (the week is up) he asked for more time to respond to my letter and said he is full of anxiety.

Oftentimes, I feel sorry for FWH. I don't want to "rub" his face in his choice. I know he is remorseful. I don't push for things that I need because I don't want him to hurt, or worse, his refusal to do what I need, and then where does that leave me? Co-dependent much?

I really feel this is important for both of us. He needs to write it out and see in black and white his disgusting behaviour.

Thanks for this, Aubrie, I am going to stick to he must give me a timeline.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9651 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SMS)))

You've waited long enough. Stick to your guns. He doesn't need another extension to decide whether he's gonna do a timeline. He already said he'd do it three months ago. It's hard to face this. I know that now. But I think the longer a person waits, the harder it's going to be. If I wait another 6 months, I know I can talk myself out of it again.

I have given myself a deadline. June 30. It has to be done. No ifs, ands, or buts. I simply cannot drag this out anymore than that. I believe this has to be done for me to find complete healing. To get the ugly truth out there, see it, read it, and move forward. If Mr. C decides to read it, it will give him more insight on my hows and whys, and hopefully in a weird way, help him heal too.

I hope you get what you need SMS and Jack.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Aubrie&Hubs)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17307 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie,

That's strength. In the midst of dual downward spirals and while getting slapped around by your inner demons you decided to do the hard thing and write out your timeline.

You are in the rough spot right before the pay off of more growth and healing.

Thanks for sharing. This has helped me.

(((Aubrie)))


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Aubrie, and hugs right back atcha. (((Aubrie)))

Best of luck to you in writing your timeline. I am sure it will be terribly difficult to get into all that ugliness.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9651 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course he wouldn't know. He didn't ask, I didn't tell. In this whole communication thing, I haven't fully opened up with everything in regards with the A, because he "didn't want to know" and I thought it best to just keep it in and deal with it on my own. And we're here 18 months later, and I've realized, I've shot myself in the foot.

This really struck a chord with me.

I think one of the things I'm very grateful for is that the realization that I have to actually communicate these ideas to people, and to my BS in particular, without expecting anyone to be a mind-reader ... it's helped me in so many unforeseen ways. Even if what I happen to be thinking about at the moment makes me look like the dumbest person in the world to Heart, I still tell her. Sometimes, we can even laugh about it.

Keep it up, Aubrie!


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks gang.

knightsbff, what you said really hit me hard. I didn't see this as strength till you said that. Just been feeling like a lunatic, trying to get thru all this crap. Strength. Huh. Seems like such a novelty to me.

This afternoon I finally got the nerve to write some more. I did it in between steps while I was cooking dinner. It kind of helped to do it like that. The breaks to cook kept me from sinking too hard, too fast. And once the meal was finished, I got to sit down with the kids and have kid talks while we ate.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in the rough spot right before the pay off of more growth and healing.
Awesome .

I was always jealous of those who said their BS didn't want details. It was agony giving LD everything. Now I've learned that it was crucial for healing myself and the M.

I'm glad your journey in healing is continuing, Aubrie, as painful as it is, it is worth it. And we are here for you.

((((Aubrie and H)))))

[This message edited by authenticnow at 5:32 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37574 | Registered: Sep 2007
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