I wanted to say a bunch of insightful things about healing....but words fail me.
You are very brave to do this. Especially because Mr. C didn't ask for it. Maybe he's been afraid to ask, afraid to know.
I can't imagine how hard it is to go back the memories you've tried to purge and to look at your self back then....
but try to remember that even though you did those things, said those things, maybe even felt those things, it's who you are today that matters. Who you continue to CHOOSE to be that matters. You are Aubrie. You are imperfect, but you keep pushing through. You are a work in progress, and I think you should be pretty damn proud of yourself.
You work EVERY DAY to make your heart a safe place for Mr. C. You CHOOSE every day to be honest, and authentic and to look at those scary dark things that have lived in your mind.
You are brave.
I'm glad you share your story and struggles with us.
I feel so proud of you, internet stranger who lives far away, you really do represent the good that can come from the bad.