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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: First post - trying to decide what to do
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Thad,

Welcome but so sorry you find yourself here. You've already gotten lots of wonderful advice from members with more time and experience than I have... I just wanted to add one more thing I think you should consider. (As though you aren't overwhelmed already!)

After my D-day (discovery day), I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to do, just like you are doing. To confront, or not... to ask for a divorce, or to try and get past the affair and save the marriage. I was operating under the assumption that I would have some say in what happened next.

I could not have been more wrong. When I confronted my ex, he was completely remorseless. He was not sad or sorry. He did not deny, he didn't beg, he didn't plead. He didn't say he loved me. He demanded a divorce, and a week later, he was gone. Out of the house and living with her. I had no control over ANYTHING that happened.

I know this sounds awful but you must consider this as a possible outcome/reaction by your WW. Honestly it was the LAST thing I expected my exWH, but it happened just the same, and I was not prepared for it.

I'm not saying don't confront her, because I think you should... just know that she may end the marriage herself, no matter what you might want.

Always remember you deserve better. And so do your kids.

Hugs to you!!


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 870 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
thad474
♂ New Member
Member # 39450
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One tactic I anticipate is her saying I'm accusing her of an affair just to cover up one of my own.

[This message edited by thad474 at 9:00 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your approach is perfect. Say it and then maintain control.

If she starts lobbing accusations at you, then you respond: "Ok, duly noted. Now tell me about your A."

If she tries to deny or minimize, then you respond with: "Are you sure about that?" If she says yes, then just say "Ok. Please continue."

If she carries on about how you know or what you know, then you respond: "I know. How and what doesn't matter right now. Please continue."

Etc., etc.


eta: Also, if she asks what you plan to do or blah,blah, then use "I'll need time to consider that."

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 7:30 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you're thinking about the kids, and feeling that it will be bad if the family breaks up - but you answered your own questions when you said you no longer felt love or liking for her. That AND the cheating? You're an honourable person and don't need to waste your life on this.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
thad474
♂ New Member
Member # 39450
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm getting ready for the confrontation with WW. This can't continue much longer. It's killing me.

I read LonelyHusband's excellent post on confronting. I'm trying to pick a time.

The longer this goes, the more I resent what she's done to our marriage and family. Anger is building, which is probably good for pushing me to do what needs to be done.

Wish me luck, and strength.
Thad

[This message edited by thad474 at 8:59 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Thad, you seem to be on a really good path. Good for you! I just wanted to chime in on the "when" to tell the OBS and what worked well for us- we told the same night I found out. No time to get "stories straight" or line up defenses or anything. FWH told me, we immediately called OBS and told him, done and done. We've never heard from them again.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2025 | Registered: Sep 2011
neverwantedaWW
♂ Member
Member # 36015
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best of luck Thad. Stay strong.


Me: BS
WW EA/PA with coworker
DD OCT 14 2011
Married 19 years.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Thad))

There has been a lot of good advice given here. I want to caution you about confronting before you have sought legal advice. It's so hard to predict how your WW will react, and I'm a big fan of protecting yourself and your kids. Unfortunately, sometimes the waywards go batshit crazy in their efforts to convince themselves and the world that they are not at fault. This could include lies about abuse and lies about threats. It seems so melodramatic to tell you to use a voice recorder and to cover yourself legally, but that knowledge was learned the hard way by many people on this board.

I also want to reiterate that you do not have to decide now if you want to reconcile or not. It's a huge decision and you deserve the time to decide what is right for you.

Hang in there.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5191 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
thad474
♂ New Member
Member # 39450
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone here experienced a bad reaction/situation resulting from telling the OBS?

[This message edited by thad474 at 8:56 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thad

It is simple to end harassment. If she indeed threatens your wife, a restraining order (or more specifically the threat of one) is usually enough to calm otherwise rational people.

Your letter or contact will set the tone, so be mindful. Concise, factual, no recriminations, empathy for the pain, clearly state you respect her wishes for more information or in the absence of that need, no further contact. Wish her well in her healing and express your sadness at having to tell her.

It sucks to do. Believe me. This was hard and I deliver terrible news to patients on what seems like a horrifically regular basis.

You can do it. It is the right thing to do.

AND TALK TO A LAWYER BEFORE CONFRONTING YOUR WIFE! Knowledge is power.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
thad474
♂ New Member
Member # 39450
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My planned (and dreaded) confrontation had to go on hold.

WW's father passed away suddenly, unexpectedly. (He was not ill.) Despite what she has done to me, I need to support her and the kids right now and deal with the A later.



Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Thad))))

So sorry you have to deal with that right now. Wishing peace for your family right now.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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