Welcome but so sorry you find yourself here. You've already gotten lots of wonderful advice from members with more time and experience than I have... I just wanted to add one more thing I think you should consider. (As though you aren't overwhelmed already!)
After my D-day (discovery day), I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to do, just like you are doing. To confront, or not... to ask for a divorce, or to try and get past the affair and save the marriage. I was operating under the assumption that I would have some say in what happened next.
I could not have been more wrong. When I confronted my ex, he was completely remorseless. He was not sad or sorry. He did not deny, he didn't beg, he didn't plead. He didn't say he loved me. He demanded a divorce, and a week later, he was gone. Out of the house and living with her. I had no control over ANYTHING that happened.
I know this sounds awful but you must consider this as a possible outcome/reaction by your WW. Honestly it was the LAST thing I expected my exWH, but it happened just the same, and I was not prepared for it.
I'm not saying don't confront her, because I think you should... just know that she may end the marriage herself, no matter what you might want.
Always remember you deserve better. And so do your kids.
Hugs to you!!
Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling
[This message edited by thad474 at 9:00 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
If she starts lobbing accusations at you, then you respond: "Ok, duly noted. Now tell me about your A."
If she tries to deny or minimize, then you respond with: "Are you sure about that?" If she says yes, then just say "Ok. Please continue."
If she carries on about how you know or what you know, then you respond: "I know. How and what doesn't matter right now. Please continue."
eta: Also, if she asks what you plan to do or blah,blah, then use "I'll need time to consider that."
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 7:30 PM, June 7th (Friday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
I read LonelyHusband's excellent post on confronting. I'm trying to pick a time.
The longer this goes, the more I resent what she's done to our marriage and family. Anger is building, which is probably good for pushing me to do what needs to be done.
Wish me luck, and strength.
[This message edited by thad474 at 8:59 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
There has been a lot of good advice given here. I want to caution you about confronting before you have sought legal advice. It's so hard to predict how your WW will react, and I'm a big fan of protecting yourself and your kids. Unfortunately, sometimes the waywards go batshit crazy in their efforts to convince themselves and the world that they are not at fault. This could include lies about abuse and lies about threats. It seems so melodramatic to tell you to use a voice recorder and to cover yourself legally, but that knowledge was learned the hard way by many people on this board.
I also want to reiterate that you do not have to decide now if you want to reconcile or not. It's a huge decision and you deserve the time to decide what is right for you.
Hang in there.
[This message edited by thad474 at 8:56 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
It is simple to end harassment. If she indeed threatens your wife, a restraining order (or more specifically the threat of one) is usually enough to calm otherwise rational people.
Your letter or contact will set the tone, so be mindful. Concise, factual, no recriminations, empathy for the pain, clearly state you respect her wishes for more information or in the absence of that need, no further contact. Wish her well in her healing and express your sadness at having to tell her.
It sucks to do. Believe me. This was hard and I deliver terrible news to patients on what seems like a horrifically regular basis.
You can do it. It is the right thing to do.
AND TALK TO A LAWYER BEFORE CONFRONTING YOUR WIFE! Knowledge is power.
WW's father passed away suddenly, unexpectedly. (He was not ill.) Despite what she has done to me, I need to support her and the kids right now and deal with the A later.
So sorry you have to deal with that right now. Wishing peace for your family right now.