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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I feel like I can't breathe....
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex has never taken the kids for 1/2 the summer like he is entitled to because he's always had to work. Now that he has been fired from a real job and only works as a loser bartender and because he knows he can hurt me through the kids, he is taking his 5 weeks that he is entitled to. I have never been separated from them more than 2 weeks, ever and I usually go insane during that time. I cannot wrap my head around this. I am completely beside myself..can't eat, can't sleep. He's supposed to give me first right of refusal while he works but he's already hinted that he's not going to. Not sure what I can do about it. Idk how I am going to get through this. I have primary custody of them so they are mostly with me. I haven't had the time to develop much of a life outside of them. They are with me most of the time, I'm dreadfully shy, and I don't trust anyone enough to get near me.

Ugh... I am DREADING this. Absolutely dreading it. How am I going to get through this?


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Aug 2010
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your response on the other board Sad in Az. (I accidently posted on wrong board) I know I need to get a life. I can't seem to find one on Amazon.com and I don't know where else to look. I have terrible trust issues.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Aug 2010
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While they are gone, you will assume the non-custodial parenting schedule (at least that is how it works in my state)...so make sure you use it to the max.
Make a list of things to get done while they are away. That helps keep me busy...and I get things done! Like Sad said, use this time for you. It's hard being a full time parent, let him try it for five weeks and see how well he does.

Tesla, he is refusing to meet me anywhere for pickups/drop offs and he lives about 35 miles from me. So I can't pick them up and drop them off again on weekdays when I work. I just wouldn't have the time. I will get them on the weekends though I hope. He's being a real jerk about this.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Aug 2010
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do the 5 weeks have to be consecutive?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4149 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't "have" to be consecutive but it says if we can't agree then it will be consecutive. He won't agree to anything else.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Aug 2010
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((rab)))

So much of what your life is depends on your attitude. I know it's tough, but try to look at this as an opportunity.

As Sad said in the other thread, it's not healthy for you to focus so much attention on your kids. What are you going to do when they grow up and leave home?

I am the oldest, and when I first left home, my mom was so stifling because she never took time for herself to develop her interests. I had a tough talk with her -- told her she was driving me nuts and she had to develop interests away from her kids! She did, and now I want to spend time with her because she is an interesting person.

While getting out and doing things with other people is great, if you don't feel up to it, focus on more solitary activities. Is there a craft you gave up when you had kids or that you've always wanted to try? Is there a movie you'd like to see that you can go to alone? Is there an intensive recipe you've always wanted to make? Local 5K or other distance races always need volunteers -- check out their websites and you'll get a free T-shirt and be energized by the runners. Try different things that sound interesting. If you don't like it, you never have to try it again!

This cannot be overstated, and it will benefit you in the long run. You don't want to be that stereotypical lonely person who spends all week waiting for their adult child's obligatory phone call and then spends most of that call complaining that the child doesn't visit/call enough. Now's the time to start building a foundation that will last you the rest of your life and will make you a healthy, interesting person that your adult children will want to be around.

Really -- change your attitude and this time will fly by! More hugs -- I know it's easier said than done (and I STILL haven't managed to change my attitude and think that cleaning my house is a fun hobby )


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phmh, you are right of course. I feel like a deer in the headlights.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Aug 2010
clralb
♀ Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ruinedandbroken)))


BS Divorced.

They were right about you.


Posts: 676 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could give you a huge hug in person! And then I'd take you to the art supply store and we'd find a project for you to accomplish.

You know how you eat an elephant -- one bite at a time.

Don't aim for perfection immediately.

What is one small thing that you can do that would help you reach your goal? One thing that you've wanted to do, or something that interests you?


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do something that requires your undivided attention:
go on vacation
paint the kitchen
sign up for yoga
take a summer school class
make stained glass
((hugs))

Posts: 475 | Registered: Jun 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot imagine not seeing my girls for 5 whole weeks given how young they are.

((R&B)) there are some things we must endure. I'm so sorry mamma.

Please do take the time to do things that make you happy. Do not spend it crying on the floor. Please.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may not be the best suggestion but it could be a transition for you into finding something to do:

Decide on some things you would like to do to makeover their rooms. If you don't know how to sew, take a sewing class and sew some pillows. If you don't know how to work with wood, find a class that can help you build some simple shelves.

You'll get out and meet other people, learn new skills and have something to look forward to surprising them with when they get home.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11133 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R&B....I couldn't imagine. I am dreading my kids going out of state with their dad for 10 days this summer. I can't imagine 5 weeks.

((R&B))


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3249 | Registered: Dec 2008
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duplicate post....sorry!

[This message edited by tabitha95 at 10:38 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3249 | Registered: Dec 2008
Bebba1171
♂ Member
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen to Tesla and PHMH...

You will get through this!

Sometimes you need to get your back up against the wall to gain a fighting spirit to improve.

Convince yourself that you will emerge better from this.

[This message edited by Bebba1171 at 11:50 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 726 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
npain
♀ Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others--use this time to do something for YOU!!

Every time my kids go to their father, I push to accomplish something for me. Either a hobby that I'm into, or some home improvement project that I never have time for. That way, I don't have time to miss them and I learn to cherish my independence.

Besides, you have to think of it this way...they are going to grow up and move away at some point anyway, so you always have to make sure that there is something that is just you to keep you going.

I gave up a lot of my art in my marriage, now I have gone back to it--working on a metal art project. I find these things are also helping me to heal as well as I am developing myself.


S,beginning D

Posts: 508 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
Trytoletgo
♀ Member
Member # 33190
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending big hugs!!! My 2yo is going through separation anxiety and it is so hard to let him go. I try to schedule as many things as possible to keep myself busy, like going to visit friends in other areas. Whenever I feel like I just want to lay on the floor crying I try to give myself a time limit. I will cry or veg out until the timer goes off and then I need to go out for a walk or do anything that gets me out of the house, even just go fill the car with gas. I also read posts here often, it makes me feel not so lonely.


BS(me) 34, amazing son age 2
WH separates on my first Mother's Day 2011, marries OW August 2012. DDay May 1, 2012.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2011
VeryUncertain
♀ Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R&B, I feel your pain. I'm not shy but I love my kids more than anything and I'm facing a few weeks this summer without them as well. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to deal with it either, but I'll make it through and so will you. I think I have more separation anxiety than my kids do.

Anyway, I will make it through via the following options:
- I'll go on vacation myself (or with friends)
- I've always wanted to improve my tennis game
- I ride horses so maybe will find some horse shows to go to
- I'll take a cooking class
- I'll go out with friends

I also liked the thought about redoing the kids' rooms.

Just a few options but you get my drift!

Anything to stay busy. Hugs. It's awful. But...sometimes I bemoan the fact that I can't do anything with a 3.5 and 1.5 year old around so here's my opportunity (and yours!!).


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess my question would be, while he's bartending (I'm assuming at night) who is taking care of the kids while he's working? Or is he going to be unemployed and not work for five weeks while they are there? They are certainly way too young to be left all alone until 2am in the morning.

I'm sure five weeks with them will cramp his lifestyle. I think you will se he will begin to contact you to watch them from time to time. I'm taking my son on a two week trip next week. ExWW hasn't said anything about the length of time. I think she knows better.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 12:40 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll get through it by focusing on you as the others have said. You'll get through it cause you have no choice, just as in the rest of this mess...

But if you want to see the kids during his five weeks, your best bet is to get "caught" trying "secretly" to make big plans, a romantic get-a-way for two during that time. Brouchure on the front seat of the car... ?

If I don't miss my guess - he'll try to screw it up for you. Just sound hesitant and a bit reluctant when you agree to take them...

May not work - but its worth a shot...


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 22
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