You are NOT responsible for your spouses choice to have an affair.
The marriage might have been completely messed up- or not. I'm sure the marriage wasn't perfect for you either. I'm sure there were things pre-affair that you were frustrated with and not happy about.
I was our spouses job to communicate to is what they were so unhappy with. I doubt Very many of our spouses said, "hey, I'm u happy here, lets talk," or even, "hey, I am tempted to have an affair and here is why." They didn't do that.
Blaming a spouse for an affair is like if I try to sue work for my weight gain. Yeah, work is stressful, but if I decide to deal with it by stuffing my face, that is my own bad choice. Work ain't gonna pay for my heart attack.
So yes, you were 50% responsible for the state of the marriage before the affair. However, do note that many many MANY times, the "problems" that the WS perceives are just that- perceptions that are totally off base, one sided, and foggy (as the person was in a fog and a different mindset). Most classic example, when DD's dad cheated, he tried to blame me because I didn't want to have sex. He is not wrong- we did go through a 2 month dry spell at one point- I turned him down when he asked and he didn't get to really touch me at all. Now, when he brought that up in therapy later, he failed to mention that this time period was right after the birth of our child and I physically couldn't have sex after my c-section. So while, yes, I had my own part in how the relationship was going, his perspective was very one sided and really had more to do with his own insecurities than anything I was actually doing wrong. And then his choice to cheat? 100% his fault, not mine. He could have chosen to talk to me. He could have chosen to do a lot of other things to blow off steam or frustratin: gone to counseling then, gone to the gym, talked to a friend or family, etc... Him choosing to go bang a whore was completely on him.
I would NEVER continue to see a counselor who suggested anything otherwise.I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."