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User Topic: MC philosophy. Affairs are a symptom of a failing marriage
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, about the only need I didn't meet for my fWH was reenacting his CSA! I could not have tried harder to reach him, support him, love him. His LTA was about his unresolved issues that occurred long before I met him.

I second this ^^^ from catlover50. Broken people tend to reenact the crap that made them that way. My WH let OW manipulate, threaten and control him. Was I supposed to meet that sick need?

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My NewBeginning SO had an interesting take on it. He says, yes the marriage must have been "bad" since any relationship where one partner is deceiving the other is by definition not healthy.

As others have pointed out on this thread, the BH might have BELIEVED the marriage was good. But they did not know the truth about what was going on.

As for why so many MC try to imply the BS deserves part of the blame? My opinion is that many of them want to appear "fair" and as if they are not taking "sides". Also they want to keep the WS coming back to the counseling. The MC may believe the WS won't come back for a second appointment if at the first one the MC says "It's all your fault."

In many cases the WS has a list of complaints about the BS - whether valid or not. The MC may believe that getting the BS to acknowledge these complaints as legitmiate will help persuade the WS to come back.

I don't think any good comes of this line of thinking ultimately, because it implies that the BS has power over whether the WS cheats or not. The reality is that we don't.

I think the advice often given in this group to wait on MC until the WS is remorseful is spot on!

Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
♀ Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say thank you for this topic. I printed it out. This is why I still occasionally lurk S.I.

I love you guys!

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was an A+ post. Good information. I agree that the counselors can see which person is to blame, but they have to act fair.

BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO affairs are a symptom of a failed human being - the WS.

I had the shittest husband on the planet for 5 long years. You could not have found an unhappier wife. Of course I pretended it wasn't really as bad as it felt and I tried to make the best of it - focus on the good.

I still didn't cheat. Not in word, thought or deed. I honoured myself and my M.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are NOT responsible for your spouses choice to have an affair.

The marriage might have been completely messed up- or not. I'm sure the marriage wasn't perfect for you either. I'm sure there were things pre-affair that you were frustrated with and not happy about.

I was our spouses job to communicate to is what they were so unhappy with. I doubt Very many of our spouses said, "hey, I'm u happy here, lets talk," or even, "hey, I am tempted to have an affair and here is why." They didn't do that.

Blaming a spouse for an affair is like if I try to sue work for my weight gain. Yeah, work is stressful, but if I decide to deal with it by stuffing my face, that is my own bad choice. Work ain't gonna pay for my heart attack.

So yes, you were 50% responsible for the state of the marriage before the affair. However, do note that many many MANY times, the "problems" that the WS perceives are just that- perceptions that are totally off base, one sided, and foggy (as the person was in a fog and a different mindset). Most classic example, when DD's dad cheated, he tried to blame me because I didn't want to have sex. He is not wrong- we did go through a 2 month dry spell at one point- I turned him down when he asked and he didn't get to really touch me at all. Now, when he brought that up in therapy later, he failed to mention that this time period was right after the birth of our child and I physically couldn't have sex after my c-section. So while, yes, I had my own part in how the relationship was going, his perspective was very one sided and really had more to do with his own insecurities than anything I was actually doing wrong. And then his choice to cheat? 100% his fault, not mine. He could have chosen to talk to me. He could have chosen to do a lot of other things to blow off steam or frustratin: gone to counseling then, gone to the gym, talked to a friend or family, etc... Him choosing to go bang a whore was completely on him.

I would NEVER continue to see a counselor who suggested anything otherwise.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Rocky Mtn!
Also as its been said many times over - both people were in this "bad M" and only one cheated. Makes me wonder if there are M's where both people were unhappy and both cheated? If MC philosophy is correct, that should happen often, no?

BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
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