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User Topic: My F'ing Sister
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Angry  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now because she doesn't want to drive my mother places (to her her store or doctor's appointments) she's trying to talk my mother into getting a reverse mortgage on her condo that she owns so my mother can buy a used SUV so she can drive with her bad knee.

I'm so pissed at my sister!

I just got off the phone with my mother trying to convince her not to do this. I told her if she really wants to try and get an SUV that it would be better to just get a personal or car loan so that way if something should happen and she can't drive regardless then then all she has to do is sell the SUV for whatever is left on the loan.

This whole things is scaring the hell out of me.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Deeply Scared
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Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SD)))

Getting a reverse mortgage for a car seems a bit extreme...imho. Especially for a used vehicle. Does she need cash for something else that would warrant a reverse mortgage?

What did your mom say whe you suggested just a regular car or personal loan?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197331 | Registered: May 2002
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is extreme as well. No, she doesn't need the money for anything else. She is on a limited income but it has been enough for her (my parents are divorced so it's only my mom) for years.

She said that the other loans made sense. I told her that what if her knee problems persist and in a couple years she can't drive anyway then what? The government owns her home and now she still can't drive? I said to her that if she had a regular loan she could sell the SUV for the balance of the loan and be done with it and her home is still hers.

I'm so afraid of doing anything against the home (taking out extra loans or mortgages) because if something should happen then what? It doesn't make sense to me especially since there are other options out there.

I'm so scared for my mother.

I never say this about/to anyone but I really wish my sister would shut up already.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Borrowing against a home is always last resort in my book- unless it's adding value to the home of course.

Forgive me for saving this mate but seriously- what is wrong with your sister?! I know, I know everyone has the right to be stupid but she is abusing that privilege- tear her down so you can put up a human being!

Hopefully your Mum will listen to you and not her- earth is full- she needs to go home.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Deeply Scared
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Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know...ultimately it's your moms decision, but I think if you continue to provide her informed alternatives it may help sway her away from the reverse mortgage route.

If she still insists, then try to go with her and read over the paperwork before she signs.

I'm really sorry SD...I know sisters can be frustrating especially when it feels like they don't have our mothers best interest at heart.

Hang in there (((SD)))


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197331 | Registered: May 2002
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the mortgage business and I can tell you that reverses mortgages are evil--I honestly could not sleep at night if I put anyone in a reverse mortgage, let alone an elderly person. There are so many other alternatives that one should look at first. She could lease an SUV--anything but leveraging her home. So sorry, I have a sister just like yours--mine is a gamble-aholic and bleeds my mother dry--so painful to watch a sibling not acting in the best interest of an elderly parent.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jan 2011
jrc1963
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Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SD)))

I am seriously frustrated on your behalf. Every time I read one of these threads I feel like getting in my car, driving to where ever your sister happens to be and smacking the living sh*t out of her... Sorry.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this...

I hope your mom listens to you and your sound advice.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24451 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
simplydevastated
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Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Borrowing against a home is always last resort in my book- unless it's adding value to the home of course.

Exactly! I could see her saying she wanted to take out a home equity loan if she wanted to update her kitchen. That makes complete sense.

My sister needs to stop acting like she's the keeper of all knowledge. She was conned into buying a failing pet store and now she can't afford to hire someone so my mother helps her out for free. Does that sound like someone who should be giving financial advise?


Forgive me for saving this mate but seriously- what is wrong with your sister?!

No, you're fine. What's wrong with her? She thinks she knows everything. She's always been that way. Oh, the stories I could tell you. I would need a whole separate forum.

Thank you DS, I'm going to do my best to sway her. I really hope she doesn't to my sister.

LoveActually, could I trouble you for more information about the reverse mortgage? I'm worried that my sister's friend will talk them up like they are the greatest thing for her so she'll do it. The only thing my sister is thinking about is that my mom won't have a payment and that she won't have to drive my mother places anymore. I would do it all but my car is smaller than my mother's so won't be able to get in and out of it.


I am seriously frustrated on your behalf. Every time I read one of these threads I feel like getting in my car, driving to where ever your sister happens to be and smacking the living sh*t out of her... Sorry.

Thank you jrc. I'm in Western MA close to a theme park and in the fall we have this awesome regional fair. Just sayin'...may be a little g2g.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Amazonia
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Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only one thinking your sister somehow stands to benefit from this reverse mortgage?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
Jrazz
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Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sd)))

Lame doesn't even begin. I think that you are a dedicated daughter to keep reaching out to your mom.

I wish there was someway to help her out of working for your sister for free all the time. She's ailing, and your sister uses her for her own personal gain. How does nobody else see this?!?!?

Big hugs to you.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17058 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
simplydevastated
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Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ama, I'm sure that's a motivator as well.

Jrazz, my Aunt saw it and told my mother on numerous occasions that it wasn't right. My Aunt and I also had some very interesting conversations about this. I wish she was still here.

But my mom likes going there because she likes the customers and their pets and she says it keeps her active.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
LoveActually
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Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent you a pm with some info


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jan 2011
sisoon
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check with the condo manager or board - RMs may be prohibited or impossible to get for her condo.

RMs are very expensive - very high origination fees, very high mortgage insurance fees, especially if the condo association isn't FHA-approved.

If she must borrow to buy a car, a car loan is likely to be a lot safer. If she really wants to use her home, is a home equity line of credit possible?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Cally60
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Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apart from everything else, I don't see how an SUV would help. If your mother has knee problems, I think she would probably have difficulty climbing up into one. I know that climbing steps and so on is very difficult for my elderly relative with bad knees.

If your mother needs a different vehicle, then a car that's close to the ground, but has a high roof and thus big doors, would seem a more logical choice. (Might support sites for those with limited mobility have recommendations?)

[This message edited by Cally60 at 6:18 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2110 | Registered: Mar 2009
simplydevastated
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Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you LA, I'm going to check my pm's now

sisoon, thank you for the information. I didn't know all of that. She lives in a 55+ active adult community. Nothing is FHA approved to the best of my knowledge.

She could probably get a home equity loan. I mentioned to her about a personal loan & car loan as options. My bank head a loan calculator and it said that it will only loan money for a vehicle that's 2009 or newer. My mom didn't like that because of she found one that's a 2006 she won't get the loan. But that was just my bank. Her bank didn't have much info on their site.

Cally, an SUV would help her because it is higher. She doesn't have the strength to push up to a standing position if any seat is too low. Because the SUV (My sister had a Toyota Rav-4, I think that's the model) sits higher he knees aren't bent that much and she can get in and out. Stairs are an issue for her, too.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:24 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
karmahappens
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Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey SD

I am sorry, it is a lousy position to be in. Is your sister just clueless or does she have some other motive?

I can't imagine suggesting someone get a RM, ever...

(((hugs))) I have some wack-o family members too, I get it. Sigh...Hope Mom listens to you.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Karma!

I wouldn't put it passed my sister in the least to try and borrow some money from my mother.

I hope she listens to me too.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I just got off the phone with my mother and she said she's just going to talk to the person to get all her options. I made her promise not to sign anything and she said she won't.

I explained my thinking to her again and she seems to understand where I'm coming from and my concerns.

We'll see where this goes.

I'm crossing everything that she doesn't go with the RM.

She's so funny she said "I'm 71 yrs old, what the hell do I need a new car for?"

I also told her that just because this person she's going to talk to is a friend of my sister's that it doesn't mean she'll have her best interests at heart. My mom said she doesn't even know my sister. I then told her "In that case, she really won't care what happens to you or if you lose your home."

UGH...


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Mousse242
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Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you make an appt with a financial person/advisor, with no ties to you so your mom can sit and talk with them? Someone from a reputable bank and not some fly by night lender? Even someone from her bank that she might trust? That would probably be the best option.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Topic Posts: 19

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