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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Closure
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Send the NC letter via email to all of her known email addresses, to her BS if she has one on all email addresses, to her home and work addresses via US mail, and to her BS via us mail, work and home addresses. At the bottom of the letter, put a "cc: OW name, home and work addresses, OW's BS name, home and work addresses." Print out the email to be sent via US mail, with all the email addresses showing. Just so there's no question that she and her BS have been notified.


That's what I did when I sent MOW a "stay the H away from my house and kid" letter. Very effective. Bunny boiler went NC except for one pathetic little remark in a necessary work email 4 months later. She would turn and walk the other way when she saw my fWH at work. (She doesn't work there any more. Got a crappy new job.)

BTW, the first sentence in that message was Don't ever come to our house again, and stay away from our kid. If you don't, I will call police, your husband, and my lawyer.

No pussyfooting around. Shock and awe!

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 12:29 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 846 | Registered: Sep 2012
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A step backwards: yesterday I found out he kept the photo of the OW she texted him over the weekend that he told me he erased. I confronted him about it and he said he doesn't know why he kept it...I'm assuming this is all part of the fog I keep hearing about. He seems remorseful about the fact that it hurt me to find that, but can't tell me why he wanted to keep it. The only thing I got out of him was that he is going back to saying he needs to have some type of closure- to apologize for hurting her and to tell her he plans on working things out with me and that they are totally over.

I told him all the things that were suggested in this thread...that he is more worried about her feelings than mine, and he said that wasn't the case- and if it made me feel that way, it wasn't worth it to him. He said he does want to address this with the MC and see what she says, so I'm especially anxious about the conversation today.

How do I finally pull him out of this fog so that seeing her face doesn't do this to him anymore? I want him to see her face and for it to remind him how he hurt me and our family, not have fond memories he's not ready to let go of...

[This message edited by jojo42 at 9:31 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just weighing in on this. I wish now, I had not allowed him to call her "for closure".
It gave him the foggy excuse to say, "I'll always love you, we'll always be friends".
As a woman, no f-ing way. To her it meant, "my wife made me drop you".
Now she gets to hold onto that. (it was a 4 yr PA). It didn;t do the job frankly, and we had to deal with her until I had him call her with me in the room and tell her he loved me, she was a mistake & lifetime regret. No contact.

Now, fog over, shame, horror, and empathy for me. She was, and he sees her for what she was in our case, a predator & master manipulator. A really good one. Her, and her family and little friends.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your response- that's what I was thinking...


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jojo42 Keeping that picture is a very bad sign. I think you know that. NC letter needs to be sent ASAP. It needs to include a threat to file a restraining order.

Your WH is cake eating reading her texts and keeping that picture. It's very likely he is communicating with her in some way. Cause if he couldn't resist keeping the picture, how is he going to resist talking to her?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 829 | Registered: Jun 2012
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly what I told him- it's much easier to lie and deceive after you've done it once...it's like we're starting over again...again


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jojo, honey, you have got to find your bitch boots. And I would not wait for the therapist to help you here. I would demand, yes, DEMAND, today, now, RIGHT NOW, he send her a text saying, "do not ever text me again. My wife is my life and I am going to do everything in my power to make things right by her. Any contact by you will be considered harrassment and the authorities will be contacted."

I don't trust therapists to understand the no contact letter and what it means. YOU can do this. You don't need help. If he waffles, bring him a suitcase. And I am NOT joking. Being nice and easygoing right now will END your marriage faster than anything else. YOU want to drag him out of the fog? Tell him has 3 seconds to choose, you or her. And start counting. If he lets you get to 3, bring him a suitcase.

He is stringing you along and it will NEVER end until you put your foot down. NOW is a better time to do this than later. As it is, you have months and months of his lies and deceits you will have to try to get over. You will resent him for this in the months to come,this footdragging of his. And you will be angry at yourself for allowing it. This is very hard to overcome in the best or reconciliations. You are just prolonging your recovery by moving slowly now. Move hard, move fast. DEMAND he treat you as you deserve to be treated. The OW can pound sand. I would likely tell him as well, "if you dare, DARE to make one sound, one word, one movement that she deserves any sort of kind treatment, after you have ripped my guts out, you can get out. Now."

Go hard honey. You can do it.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6347 | Registered: Jan 2011
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Rebreather said!! She is not a victim, she made a choice to become involved with a married man and that means accepting whatever fallout comes with it. She doesn't need to be let down gently. Your husband's only sympathy and remorse should be focused on you--you are the only victim in the affair scenario--screw closure--you need comfort, safety and security right now and your husband HAS to put your feelings first from here on out so you can begin to heal. Don't let yourself feel sorry for him or her--if they have to feel uncomfortable for a while because they didn't get a proper goodbye then too bad. It pales in comparison to what you are going to be feeling for the next 2 to 5 years as you heal from something you didn't even get to choose for yourself--they chose it for you. Hugs my dear--step up and be heard and make it all about you now.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jan 2011
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Love Actually- this is exactly what I told him, and he appeared to hear me and agree. I think he's been used to being so selfish for so long, that considering my feelings is a stretch for him! But I'm not going to be put on the back burner any more!

The b!tch boots thing is hard for me because it's not my personality- not to mention I have been working hard at not getting worked up since I am pregnant...but I hear what you are saying about putting my foot down, and I am proud at how well I've done this this time around compared to last time which led to the false R. I know you say you don't trust therapists and, frankly, I don't know if I do either- but what I do know is that I look forward to having the 3rd person, not sure why, just think it will help me get my thoughts out


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck. I hope the therapist gives you the boost you need to lay this out clearly. I was lucky with ours, we had a good one.

As for getting worked up, you don't have to say anything while screaming. Icy calm is also quite effective.

You've been in false R for 10 months. I was in it for 3. All I can say is that after the second dday, I was done. He had one week to meet all my demands or it was over. He made it with time to spare. Yours has had 10 months for closure. Give him no quarter, Jojo. Don't back down one inch.

Being married so short a time, I would really look at how these patterns became so ingrained so quickly. I do hope you are seeing a quality IC as well.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6347 | Registered: Jan 2011
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC went really well...the therapist helped to express everything I have been saying in a new way and agreed with all that has been said so far...I think we lucked out finding her.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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