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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Thoughts
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody here think even if your marriage had no issues and you were the " perfect" spouse that you WS would still have cheated ?

I think mine still would have because it was a ONS that he did NOT go looking for it was simply that a college skank came to him and told him he should not be alone that night and that she wanted him and they went off on they're marry way.

She knew he was married with kids ( she asked before hitting on him )


I want so badly to ruin her life and future !

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 10:40 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Beemer
♀ Member
Member # 38499
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't know... my WH cheated with an EXGF - so I think it was easier for him to cross boundaries since he'd already BTDT... but while I don't think the marriage was in a terrible place, I can say for certain that my H himself was in a terrible place at the time... in walks OW and the rest is history.

Who knows - good question though... I'll be interested to watch the responses


BW - Me (33)
FWH - Him (34)
Married - 8years
D-Day - 06/06/12
Status - Trying...things are good :)

Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without a question in my mind the WS would still cheat. It's not about the marriage, it's not about how terrible the BS is or isn't. It's about the damaged WS looking for something and using their terrible coping mechanisms to find it in the arms of another person.

Before DDay, both H and I rated our M at a 9. We didn't put it in the 10 category because we arrogantly thought "well, everything could use improvement and nothing is perfect, but this is as close as it could possibly be". After DDay, and with much therapy, we figured out we were so wrong about the state of our M pre-DDay, and of course the state of H's level of damage, as well as mine.

Infidelity happens to gorgeous people, it happens to rich people, it happens to romantic people, it happens to famous people, it happens to poor people, it happens to ugly people, it happens to people who have tons of kids, it happens to people who can't have kids or don't want kids, it happens to everyone.

A marriage can NOT be perfect enough to distract a broken person from causing more damage in their own life. Plain and simple, the infidelity has nothing to do with the state of the M, rather it has to do with the state of the WS.

ETA: typo had to be fixed.

[This message edited by doesitgetbetter at 11:58 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our M was pretty good and I am pretty close :) Seriously, I rock.

So yeah, she went off the reservation. She is the one with the avoidance, lying and deception problems.

No sure why anyone would think otherwise.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes...actually the first A was with a stranger 10 months into our relationship. We were still in the bliss honeymoon stage. Its what she knew. It was inevitable and would have continued until she was forced to learn something new.

It never has to do with the BS or the M.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2429 | Registered: Aug 2012
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

diGB- i think your so right everything can be fine in the marriage and they still do it .

his coping skills suck! he has a high stress job , i mean very high stress . then comes home to small kids screaming and uses distractions like gaming (hes a addict ) as a way to get "away" a stress relief so to say but it did nothing but cause distance and i became ignored and he wondered why he wasnt getting the attention but never brought it up that something was wrong ever . .....im confused as to why he did this and yet kind of know still doesnt justify anything what so ever and to picture him being that man to do that to me is the hardest thing considering all the troubles we went through to be with each other early on those are where i could see the relationship failing we had real reasons that we couldnt be together or work on things , but years later after the fight to be together something as simple as speaking up or noticing my attempts to bring him close to me went unseen and he let himself think i didnt want him .



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok..I know how this is going to sound...and usually,I am very hard on myself...but I was an awesome wife. I adored my husband. I was honest,faithful,we had a very active sex life,I took complete care of the house and the kids,had dinner on the table when he came home from work(even when he worked 2nd shift and didn't get home until 11:30),he always had clean clothes,I packed for him when we went on a trip(always to where he wanted to go..because I loved him and wanted him to be happy),looked the other way when he spent way too much time on his hobbies,etc,etc,etc.

In the entire time he and I have been together,the only time we ever fought was when I found his hidden porn..or when weeks would go by and he didn't want sex(but he jacked it to porn daily).

Even now,when he and I argue about his cheating on me,and he is desperately trying to find something "bad" that I've done so he can put some of the blame for our problems on me..he can't come up with ONE damn thing that i have done during our relationship to throw at me. He has brought up some stupid shit I did when i was a teenager...and a lie I told him when we first met(not a big one,but a lie..a lie I confessed to several years ago,on my own,and apologized for). But he can come up with NOTHING that I did wrong in this marriage..I mean..yeah..I was a bitch sometimes when I was PMSing...and I am not perfect...but I find it very telling that he can't come up with ONE thing that I have done wrong in this marriage.

I was the "perfect" wife.

He still cheated.

He wants that wife back..he says he misses her.


But..he cheated on that wife...and he killed her when he betrayed her...she is long gone.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:48 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H actually proposed to me while he was smack dab in the middle of his longest, most involved A. We were blissfully happy. He absolutely would have done it even if I was perfect. No doubt in my mind.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Jan 2013
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine really was close to perfect. He was damaged! We got along great, took dates, laughed a lot, didn't have finacial problems, or any other issues. He cheated because he had issues with his self esteem and was selfish. Ow stroked his ego, and he ate it up! Now he sees how pathetic he was.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Sep 2012
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also consider and did consider myself an awesome wife. He has only confirmed this repeatedly. He knew the whole time the OW didn't hold a candle to me; sex didn't compare, she was needy and annoying, less attractive...the fact is it had nothing to do with me or her; all about his unresolved issues.

Knowing now about his issues I still don't think I could have done anything differently. I tried repeatedly over the years to get him to open up, but that would only cause him to withdraw further. He needed a cataclysm to reach this point. Well, got that!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 6:42 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtz,
Please follow the guidelines of this forum.

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34792 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 11

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