Now... I am so dang needy. I really really hate it. But only with my husband. I crave his attention. I need his constant affection. I have gotten to where I feel like I beg for it. I HATE that about myself now. I need constant reassurance that he loves me. I need every day reminders that he will love me and be with me forever or I will break down into a sobbing mess before the end of the day. Ugh! What is wrong with me?!?! I am the one who cheated. I almost broke our family apart. And I am the one who is like this?!?! I just don't understand why? Maybe it's because I feel undeserving of his love. Maybe it's because I am scared one day he's going to wake up and decide it's too much to live with. I honestly don't know.
Sorry for the rant guys. Just needed to vent a moment...
That broken bit in you screamed out for attention, validation, whatever. Enter AP. Chaos ensues, you get caught/confess, Dday commences, you now latch onto your BH.
If you don't do the work, find your whys, rewire your faulty thinking, make healthy choices, you're just replacing one drug for another. You've watched the horror of Dday your BH has gone thru, you could never do that again, and you have latched on unhealthily to him. kwim?
You have to be ok with you. Whether you are with BH, with your kids, in a room full of 1,000 people, or alone in a corner of a closet in the back of the basement.
What is going on that you aren't happy with yourself? Have you done any work on yourself?
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
Maybe I'm just going through a funk. I haven't been like this up until the past couple of months. I have needed validation of his love during reconciliation but not to the degree I have felt like I need it lately.
I have always loved reading your posts and advice Aubrie so I welcome any guidance. I do hate to think that I am "replacing" my AP for my BH as you said. I despise that m@t&%*%&$*@r.
I honestly feel like it has a lot to do with feeling undeserving. How could he still love me after what I put him through? How could he still want to be with someone who had an affair with a man he hated? How could he want to spend the rest of his life and grow old with the person who has hurt him more than he could have ever imagined possible?
I am just tired of feeling like this.
They aren't kidding when they say 3 things have to heal. You. Him. Y'all together.
You can help him. The rest he does on his own. You can only do so much together. Then there's you. If you put all your focus on him and y'all, you are sitting in the corner going, "Well what the crap..."
Here's how I looked at my healing. I want us to heal. Him to heal, me, us, the whole package. But what if he gets hit by a bus this afternoon? Where does that put me? What will I be? Regardless of what he does, what happens, where life takes us, I have to be ok with me. I have to be healthy. I didn't want to replace that broken part with my husband. If we live together, he deserves the best me possible. I deserve the best me possible.
I'll never forget when I came to the realization, I don't "need" him. I choose for him to be a part of my life. Sounds cocky, but I know a lot of people know what I'm talking about. Instead of this crazy, driven, need to be with him, I simply chose to share my life with him. And part of that decision comes from self-acceptance.
Make any sense?