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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Saw some crap on his phone last night
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spokeo is also an interesting place online. It will say you have to pay but you don't to get onto some screens.

It was really interesting because it filtered and then drew together all of the websites he goes to.

We were already in D process and it makes too many triggers to look, but when I was in stealth mode, it really helped.

It even guided me to some of the sites where people sell stuff and I learned about OW's household a little that way, because he is/was selling video gaming equipment we don't have here and never did. (I guess he could buy and try to refurbish, but I doubt it).


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for your help. I actually did discuss it with him and know why he was looking outside: for an ego boost (he has VERY low self esteem) and problems with his job. He even said that it's no excuse for what he did. Last night he was crying hysterically asking me for forgiveness and that he never wants to break up. Of course I will still keep my eyes open, though!!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he have a plan in place for the next time his life gets rough and he needs an ego boost?

Is he going to go to IC? Are you two going to attend MC?

Don't rugsweep, please. He made a conscious effort to seek women outside your marriage when he knew you would be hurt. He needs boundaries. You need boundaries. Your marriage needs boundaries.


Posts: 769 | Registered: Sep 2010
disgust
♀ Member
Member # 34200
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sad)))

The last A my husband had was with AP that lived in Puerto Rico. We are in NJ. It was a PA (physical affair). Granted they saw each other a handful of times but the AP travelled to see him on her husband's dime. Really classy.

I don't want to add to your anxiety. I'm only telling you this because it is a possibility and there may be a need for you to get tested (STDs).

Please take care of yourself.


Posts: 349 | Registered: Dec 2011
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I go about finding IC and MC? Any ideas for an ego boost for him?

I'm not trying to rugsweep, I'm just updating the status since everyone on this thread has been so helpful! I agree boundaries need to be set, I'm trying to determine what they should be, any ideas are much appreciated!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no, I did not mean it in a 2x4 way. I just wanted you to be aware that many WS can appear remorseful at first and we fall all over ourselves to boost them up.

HE SHOULD BE HELPING YOU HEAL. Not the other way around here.

What is he doing to make this better for you?


Posts: 769 | Registered: Sep 2010
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That makes sense, thank you. I'm surely watching out to see if he's truly remorseful. He keeps asking me what he can do to make this up to me, I said stay in open and honest communication. He deleted the app off his phone. I'm trying to think of what to ask of him, I promise I'm not trying to sweep things under the rug or make excuses for him, I'm just trying to make sense out of the past week!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He should be offering you complete access to his cell phone (call records). Internet history (no deleting it) and email (if he has work email, you should have access to that also).

The biggest thing is NO CONTACT (NC) with any of the APs. Even if it was *just* texting or chatting or whatever. NC.

Some people find they want a timeline of the indiscretion/s. Such as when it started, how often it happened, how many times, why he felt it was OK to betray you in those times, etc.

It isn't his words that will show you his remorse, it is his actions. He is telling you all the right things right now. He just got caught. Its what happens now and in the future.

How did he feel it was OK to get an "ego boost" from total strangers, but not speak to his life partner about it?


Posts: 769 | Registered: Sep 2010
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the tips. I have access to his phone, he doesn't have work email, I have the internet history.

He did message the other women that he will no longer be in contact with them, then deleted everything in front of me. I know he could go do it again, but I will be checking.

I like the idea of a timeline, we did discuss it, maybe I will write it out.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of: he's telling me this now, but what does the future hold next time we argue or he needs an ego boost? I totally agree, why does he need that from strangers and not talk to me?!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SDFU))))

You are doing great! You should be proud of yourself.

Your H needs to dig inside himself to work on his self-esteem, usually through IC. You can support his journey through positive affirmation, but by definition self-esteem needs to come from inside yourself.

I found our counselors by asking friends for recommendations. You can try asking your doctor too.

Best of luck!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SDFU))))

You are doing great! You should be proud of yourself.

Your H needs to dig inside himself to work on his self-esteem, usually through IC. You can support his journey through positive affirmation, but by definition self-esteem needs to come from inside yourself.

I found our counselors by asking friends for recommendations. You can try asking your doctor too.

Best of luck!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much! I'm really trying my best. I truly appreciate all of the support!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing fantastic. Stay strong. Hold him accountable. If there's another Man U trust that values your marriage ask you H to have him as an accountability partner as well. This will help w his boundaries


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J. Ashland13 I used spokeo for everything. I found out all I needed there to start the search on OW & stuff on him I didn't know. It was worth the $20 annual fee to get what I needed to know & so easy. I even found out her H & parents names & looked them up on FB.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it's been over a week since I confronted him. He admitted to everything that I had known about, he seems very remorseful, patiently answering my questions, not getting angry, constantly apologizing, doing everything right, etc. I ask all of the time if he's heard from them, he tells me NO and deleted his app/account. I have been checking and have seen nothing. I do believe him, but I can tell he wants to move past this, as do I, but I'm still very hurt. It's a balancing act between being upset and wanting to move forward (even tho it's only been a week!).

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity.

If he is wanting you to get over it within a week from dday,you have a a problem. It doesn't bode well for your marriage. You shouldn't even be thinking about moving past this yet. Don't rugsweep. he WILL do it again if you do. R is a process...a very long process...and a shit ton of work.

Ok..he deleted the account and the app. What else is he doing to show you he wants to R?

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:25 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7399 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think he is wanting me to get over it IMMEDIATELY, he wants to make things better. I do, too, but I'm still very upset, and he does not get mad when I ask questions.

I was reading on the site here about remorse versus rugsweeping, and he definitely is showing remorse. He expresses sorrow, shows compassion, takes full responsibility, etc. I can see/feel/sense how awful he feels about everything. I'm still checking everything even tho I do believe him, I'm not going to be na´ve about this. I'm just at a loss lately.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he going to IC to figure out his "why?"

Has he given you a timeline yet?

Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his online accounts,computers,and cell phones? Do you have the passwords?

I understand you feel lost. The first few months are agonizingly painful. You just need to get through each day and try to stay sane. It will get better,with time,hard work,and remorse.

You said he has admitted to everything you knew about.....what about the things you do NOT know about? Very,very rarely does a BS find everything in the beginning..and very rarely does the WS admit everything. I'd start asking him what it is you dont know..tell him if he will admit to the things you don't know,it will help to rebuild trust.

My WH told me for 2.5 years of "R" that I knew everything..swore on our children and everything...then dropped a TT bomb on me..a whole other PA/AP that took place a few months prior to the one I discovered on dday#1. This..after he swore I knew everything.

Ask him to take a polygraph...then follow through with it.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7399 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to figure out why he needs the ego boost, and fix that. If that means IC then he needs to do that.
Dont know who to go to? Talk to your Dr, your church, and your friends, do a google search on who is in your area.
Consider MC too. He needs to learn better coping skills.
It sounds as though he really get it, which is VERY unusual. So that's why many of us are hinting at proceeding with caution.

I would definitely stay in spy mode, this would include a VAR in his vehicle, and a keylogger on the computer. When you continue to find nothing then you know he really is on the right track.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8469 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly what I'm afraid of: he's telling me this now, but what does the future hold next time we argue or he needs an ego boost? I totally agree, why does he need that from strangers and not talk to me?!

I can tell you why. It is a very twisted way of thinking. It is like my WH. He grew up in an severely abusive family. Both his mother and father abused him mentally, emotionally and physically. He was told almost every day of his life he was worthless and he internalized those voices.

Now he has an internal dialogue going all the time telling him he is worthless. I, his wife, could tell him he was wonderful, but in his mind it either didn't count because I had to say that as it was expected of me OR he would tell himself I wouldn't love him if I knew what a worthless person he was.

So he couldn't look to me for the ego stroking. And eventually I actually became a trigger for him. He felt he was worthless as a family member and I represented our family.

OW on the other hand was a complete stranger and in his warped thinking if she said he was wonderful it HAD to be true because she was not EXPECTED to say that.

So boom, he starts getting the ego strokes of someone telling him he is sexy and wonderful and brilliant. Doesn't matter what she is like. Because now he feels awful about himself for his behavior, he turns back to her to hear how wonderful he is and relieve the guilt.

Self-perpetuating cycle.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 60
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