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Newest Member: LionessRoar (44598)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Triggers from his clothes. (I'm really losing it)
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Concerned  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, H has work clothes and "going out" clothes. I started noticing back then (A time) that he was buying a lot of clothes and hiding the bags and receipts I found bc I never in a million years thought he would do this.

Long story short, every time I see his "hanging out" clothes, I get so sad inside. He says he has no other clothes...It just makes me sick.

Anyone else?


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

during our first year of R, it hit me like a ton of bricks one day that I did not want anything in our house that had been part of the A. I wasn't washing and folding clothes with cooties on them, hell, even his car had to go.

Not saying it made rational sense, but I still think it makes complete emotional sense. Whatever it takes to heal, it takes.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3600 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep! I had clothes that were terrible triggers for me.

I put them in a bag...and i donated them all. Gone. Didn't care how much i liked it...or how much WH liked it. Gone. We actually did it together. when we came across something, we talked about why it was a trigger....then dumped it.

i think it makes perfect emotional and rational sense. Eliminate the triggers that you can. Get rid of it. Its clothes. You can buy new ones. Do it together. it was actually therapeutic for both my WH and i. Hopefully that will help you too.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
MissLonelyHeart
♀ New Member
Member # 39460
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGH,what isn't a trigger? They themselves are and their dicks.
I would throw out everything, but WS doesn't remember what he wore when.


ME~BS
HIM~SAWS prostitutes multiple times, who knows what else?
Status~ Changes from day to day in my mind

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2013
faithhopelove23
♀ New Member
Member # 39211
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were some very specific pieces of clothing that I have gotten rid of. I don't think WH has even noticed. If he has, he hasn't said anything!

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2013
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we could afford it i would torch ALL of his clothes and buy new ones


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even when we go to buy new clothes now I trigger. He started buying a different, more modern style of jean during his A's. Honestly, I don't think he bought them for the OW. I think he bought them to 'fit in' with the guys he works with (all younger and more hip than us). He really likes that kind of jean now, and he looks great in them, but my brain connects them to the A's. Hugs to you liberty.

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Jan 2013
Cyzygy
♀ New Member
Member # 39437
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized just today that clothes are big for me too.

Dday was finding an earring in the laundry. Then there are his work uniforms...I can only imagine what went on while wearing those.

TBH, I found an official Walmart shirt in the car yesterday that had never been worn. (They wear their own blue stuff.) You know what I did? Chucked it in the trash. Felt gooooooood..... :)

If you can afford it, get all new. If not, consider building a new wardrobe (together) from thrift stores. Do whatever you have to do. (((hug)))


Me: 37, BS
Him: 39, WH
Married: 6 years, together for 9 years
2 boys, ages 3 & 4, he has a 15yo we never see
DDay: 5/21/13 (OW is a coworker at Walmart...he quit on Dday.)

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Columbus, OH
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Liberty)) I took one shirt in particular and ripped the hell out of it with a pair of scissors. It was a shirt they joked about in a sexual way. Okay well...I actually tore the wrong shirt apart so I then had to tear the actual shirt apart. So...two shirts gone! It felt GREAT!

Can you take one shirt and rip it to shreds? Really do a number on that thing and then have him throw it away. Let it represent all the other shirts. Your devastation is in that shirt and its good for him to see that.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't tell you how many of his shirts, undershirts, underwear, etc., that went in the trash. ANYTHING that I thought she had touched went in the trash.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1302 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH got into certain brand of clothes during his A. While he was deployed (3.5 weeks after dday) I hefty bagged all of it. I'd like to say I donated it but I couldn't bring myself that someone else would have cheating clothes. They went in the garbage. I also tossed all colognes because they were used with it. Anything that reminded of the affair as far as pictures on the walls, came down. WH came home to a very small wardrobe. He asked why. I said they triggered me. His response was ok, I understand.

Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clothes were not a trigger for me, but my H hair was. He had nice long(middle of his back) curly strawberry blonde hair. OW #1 bragged about his hair to others I had him cut it the day after DDay. I wanted to send it to her in the mail with something "Here now you can enjoy his hair anytime you want." The only reason I didn't was he decided to donate it. At least something good came out of it.

I loved his hair It was the first thing that attracted me to him. I like him bald now too.

It makes sense why you are feeling this way. Try to find something good about this. Maybe giving his clothes to a homeless shelter and buying new ones together. To me it represents that even though this is a horrible situation that something kind and good can come from it.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was one shirt he had that he picked out when he was with OW.

After he told me that, I couldn't look at it any more without feeling sick.

Some time later, it 'disappeared'. I have NO IDEA what happened to it.


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2541 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, clothes were a trigger in many ways. For one - he kept clothes that his one-sided EA gave him and mentioned her name every time he wore it: "This is C's shirt." Eventually they either got stained or a hole in it... He still has one of them, but I no longer trigger because he seldom wears it. Another similar trigger was buying him certain things in that time period, and him refusing to wear them. He wouldn't wear the beautiful silken blue shirt I got him, but he'd wear the pretty green one she got.

The more recent trigger was him taking the time to dress and look nice for school - but not ever for us, in part because he wasn't going out with me. It made me feel anxious wondering if he was trying to impress anyone. Two things helped: his telling me everything about his day, not acting resentful or like he was hiding anything or like I was prying; and also deciding to help him get ready and complimenting him on how nice he looked. Earlier, it would have been because I wanted him to feel good. Lately, it's been because I want to be the positive person who appreciates things about her husband. More about the person I want to be and less about what he thinks of it. For all I know, he could either be flattered, or he could not give a damn unless it's someone else saying it. Doesn't matter, I feel good being appreciative.

The other thing, which doesn't apply to R, is detachment. I am trying to get to the point where certain behaviors of his don't hurt so much and I don't take them personally. For my own well-being.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:54 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus. Be mindful, compassionate, and responsible… Something valuable I learned on SI. :)

Posts: 3900 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
yoshi7268
♀ Member
Member # 35519
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen Kansas!


ME-BS-41 WH-45
Married 23 years-together 27
5 beautiful children ages 15-25
Dday1-late June 2011
Dday2-early July 2011
Dday3- early August 2011
Another affair 7 years before.
R going well

Posts: 279 | Registered: May 2012 | From: yoshi7268
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I burned some of my fwh's clothes. His work pants I haven't yet due to his line of work and cost but I will soon. I did burn his ties and work shirts were returned when he was fired on Dday2.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
vistainc
♀ Member
Member # 37688
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In one of my crazier moments (there have been many) I threw all of his underwear away. I bought new ones but waited for him to get home from work, shower and then try to get dressed. Once he noticed they were gone he came to me and discussed why I did what I did. He understood completely, apologized again for hurting me so badly and I gave him the new ones.

Seems crazy now, but at the time....well, you know


Me BS 48
WH 52
4 Sons 25, 25, 23,18
D-Day 11/20/12

Posts: 150 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Western MA
Dance4Me
♀ Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We got rid of all my Hs underwear and t-shirts - I do his laundry and one day it hit me like a ton of bricks that he may have worn them for his two time sexfest.

Without asking, my H got rid of the one button down dress shirt and one polo shirt he wore when he was with the same PA OW. I wouldn't have known what he wore, but he did remember. I was glad he did that...showed remorse.


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Nov 2009
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, clothes can be a trigger, the new socks, underwear and t-shirts fWH bought last tear during the A. Even the clothes, souvenirs and gifts my fWH brought home for us from his 2 trips last year (both A related trips). It's funny though, some things bought on those trips trigger me a lot and some don't at all.

Finally recently got rid of the jewellery the MCOW gave my DDs. I am amazed I ever thought I would be ok with having those around!


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely forgot (I posted at like 2am) the big one!

My FWH's 2nd AP (and his 2+ year LTA) gave him a fake gold watch for his birthday and he wore for over 2 years. That was awful because it was like flaunting it in front of me.

I smashed it in our driveway into hundred's of pieces and I mailed it to her with signature confirmation. She was the one who signed for it and I know she got it.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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