All in all, things are going well, but I still have an issue. Even though I've gotten revenge on OM, I still feel cheated. Even though I played vicious hardball against my wife to the point of reducing her to tears on multiple occasions (I'm a psychologist who works with maximum security prisoners every day so I know how to mind fuck people) I still feel cheated. I feel like FWW & OM got over for years. That OM got a free ride at my expense. Considering where he is now, logically, this was the most expensive romp he's ever had, but I still feel cheated.
I've got an appointment with a counsellor in a week to help me explore this feeling, but I'm wondering if anyone has felt the same and how you dealt with it. Relationship counseling is not my specialty. In the prison, the inmates feel cheated by life. I tell them to suck it up because life is unfair and craps on everybody from time to time. It's no excuse so just deal with it. I understand that logically to, but it doesn't seem to help me.
Love doesn't keep score. When you start keeping score in a relationship, someone ALWAYS loses. If you are keeping score in an argument, then there must be a loser. If you are keeping score as to who loves whom more, someone MUST lose. Love isn't about keeping score. It's about working through the muck of life and going at it as a team.
Much like there is no "I" in team, there is also no "me" in marriage. It must be a "we". You know psycho babble probably better than anyone around here does as it's your profession (I apologize if that phrase if offensive in any way, it's not meant to be), but do you know love?
Yes, our spouses had fun while we weren't looking. Yes, we remained faithful while they didn't. Sounds like they "win" huh? Not to me. I have my integrity. I have my honor. I have my morals still fully in tact. To me, it sounds like I'm the one in the lead on that one... if one were to keep scores.
Our WS's lost so much more than we possibly could during their A and after. They lost the respect of everyone that knows them. They lost their freedom to do whatever, whenever, with whomever. They lost the ability to be trusted with certain decision making. Some lose their jobs. Some lose their homes. They lost the peace that used to be in their life. They lost their soul for a piece of action a couple times a week/month/year that just ended up leaving them feeling worthless and empty in the long run anyway.
So, hateful, I challenge you to reconsider.... are you really the loser here? I know you were cheated ON, but were you really cheated?
does your toe feel any better?
seems like a good idea at the time and the reaction is fueled by emotion. but when the dust settles, you've still got a sore toe.
when you can make om a nothing, an indifference, and begin focusing and working on real self healing... you'll start to heal. won't be easy, won't happen quickly, but it will happen.
[This message edited by unfound at 6:50 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]
DIGB - you are right. Keeping score doesn't help me at all, and in the aggregate she lost a lot, all the things you mentioned and more. I think the problem is with me - FOO issues. Not feeling good about myself for a long time, before I even met my wife. I really want to avoid hurting her and in the occasional flashes of rage brought on be triggers I fear I may do that. I have in the past and have it under control now, but the feelings still persist. OM is a different story. I wish I could reach indifference with him, but, because of my position I'll see his name on a report or hear something about him and it will throw me into a tail spin. Not healthy at all that he can stil affect me like that, but true.
Unfound - I like your example. It's kinda funny because I could se myself doing that . How long did it take for you reach indifference? We are about a year from d-day and nine months or so from when I wanted reconciliation.
Check out the books by Harville Hendrix. Get the companion workbooks to go along with it. H and I would do one chapter each week, each time it would take about 2 hours to read and do the assignments, so pretty equivalent to an actual MC/IC session. We also did traditional IC/MC before doing the books.
May I offer a thought to consider? Try to not look at this situation as a win/lose situation. You won because he's in jail. He won because he had an A with your WW. You won because your WW has been reduced to tears. You lost because you hurt your children. Skip the win/win stuff because that just doesn't happen with this kind of shit. How about trying for win/learn? He's in jail and you've learned from that, what you're capable of when you're in a rage. Sorta the same situation with your WW you're learning what she's willing to do to help you heal and to heal her own brokenness. You've learned how easy rage can hurt your other family members. And so on.
I would definitely talk to the councilor. But perhaps you can start re-framing your mental attitude a bit to stop looking for winners and losers, and start looking for learning, for teaching moments. Especially during arguments, I find that extremely helpful for me. It cuts down on the shame, rage, and competitiveness, and opens me up to looking for what the lesson is, what I can learn from the situation.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
hatefulnow, you need to let go of the win/lose mentality. You will be a better man, mentally and emotionally, if you stop keeping score of and what you have done to MOM. Given your profession and work environment, I can understanding have the me/them mentality and wanting to punish OM. After all, an element of the penal system is punishment as well as rehabilitation. You are an insightful person who is doing very laudable work in the prison system and your responses to the inmates may be completely appropriate. But please, recognize that the situation regarding your M and your FWW is different from your work and needs to be viewed differently and other coping skills and responses are needed.
I'm glad to recognize this as an issue and are going to see a counsellor. I hope my comments have helped and have not offended you.