Hi everyone, maybe some of you will recognize yourself in my journey to date.
Maybe it will be helpful for you to see where I was to where I am now, six months in. Healing is not linear as you will see from this post. But I am healing.
First 72 hours:
I can't believe what I am reading (I found a card). I can't believe this is happening. What the hell is happening?!
I cry, fall to my knees, rage. What did you DO?! I scream! I hold onto things bc I cannot believe this is really happening. I am broken. |I get in my car and drive not having any idea where I am going. I sleep and eat very little. My boys wonder why I am so sad. My heart is broken. But I don't tell them that.
Week 2 thru Christmas
I cry a lot. He cries. I shop for the boys. I drink too much at parties and then I tear a strip off him. He can barely work as he is afraid I am going to leave when he goes. I ask him how I am going to bring Christmas into our home? He says he will do it all. He does. I ask questions. He answers. I wake up thinking of the A. But I do get out of bed everyday.
January: We are HBing. It's crazy. He bought/read After the Affair. I read it too. We go to our first MC appt. I go to IC. Thank goodness the boys are back at school bc I am exhausted. I keep asking him questions. Lots of them. He answers. It's painful. I am being obsessive. This is the worst pain I have ever felt. He cannot say sorry enough.
February: I get angry looking at Valentine cards. I listen to Falling Slowly over and over again and cry to it. I have found things on his computer. It's awful but I needed to see this. I needed to see what HE wrote to her. It's much more real now. I am in full anger mode. I am more obsessed. He is in IC now too. It was a requirement of mine. Go to IC or leave. He cannot book the appt. fast enough.
March: More questions, more therapy. More HBing. We take the boys to a local resort. She contacts him with a work request and he answers. NO! That was NOT our agreement. It ruins the next 15 hours. He feels dumb. I feel as if I will never heal. We read, "How to Heal your Spouse Heal/Affair." I go to a Healing Retreat but I can't even tell my story (small town). This makes me angrier. I tell him I don't need him. I am giving this until April. He cries. We read the 5 Love Languages and he starts putting it in action. She contacts him AGAIN. He deletes the message.
April: My anger is settling down. 5 LL going strong. MC is going well. I am not getting anywhere in IC. He is. My bday comes around. We invite friends over. Then I cancel. Then I invite them over again. What the hell is wrong with me? I am out of questions. I have asked everything I can think of.
May: My parents come to visit. They don't know. I feel dishonest. If I had a disease, they would know. If I got into an accident, they would know. They can't know this. My H goes on a guys weekend. I am glad he goes. We need a break. But its a trigger. He used to see her on his way in/out of town. He stays in constant contact with me. He tells me that he is repulsed by the A. This relieves me. I start with a new IC. She's amazing. Yeah! I feel so much lighter. The obsessions seem further away now.
June 6th - Today is six months from D-day. I am quiet today. I go to the gym, garden, cry a little, write my best friend. My H is following through at home and work. He is a man living up to his word. Since the new year he continues to apologize. He holds me, tells me I am beautiful, his angel, his godsend. The sex has slowed down but its still way more then pre-A. He has been opening up - the fog is gone. He acknowledges that it was not just the depth of his lies but the breadth too. He will figure out what was broken in him. He has too. I am reading so much about this topic and now about being a co-dependant.
We are both determined to make this work.
Peace to all of you on your journey. Be patient with yourselves, exercise, drink water, eat well, read, find little things to be grateful for.
Take care of you.