Will I ever feel human and loved / lovable again?
Yes, I promise.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Have you told your husband how you feel right now? Is he trying to do anything to support you?
I am so sorry for your pain. I know things look very bleak. It sounds to me that you may very well have to take "one day at a time" very literally right now.
I am glad you have those 2 friends right now, please lean on their support and strength. If they are true friends they will be glad to help you.
You have a beautiful baby! Focus on him and the joy you have in being a mother. If nothing else, perhaps you can find strength to move forward for him?
It's ok to move forward very slowly. Just breathe. I find it very difficult to make myself focus on myself while going through all this mess, it's hard! You can do it though, just go a little at a time.
YOU are YOUNG! Money, jobs, place to live, those things will work out, take them one thing at a time. Maybe you could lean on your family right now, they don't need to know the details unless you want to tell them. I bet if you reach out a little, they would wrap you right up with support.
I also bet you are amazingly beautiful, I ache for you to think you aren't attractive because YOU ARE! Find your inner voice, let it tell you what a good person you are.
Right after DDay, when I could barely move, I somehow rallied to do some "retail therapy" and I found this plaque with a saying. It says "you are amazing, you are beautiful, you are kind, ect ect". I didn't believe a word of it, but I wanted to. So, I read it out loud every day, even though I doubted it was true. After awhile, I started to get "myself" back and feeling more confident. I shared this with our MC and she suggested I change the words to "I am amazing, beautiful, kind, ect". I completely believe in the power of positive affirmations. Please try it, start small. Put something up on your mirror, wherever you are and read it over and over.
I am sending you support and love today. Please hang on, you can do this, you can survive and go on to have a beautiful life!
Take care of yourself!