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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Where Do I Start?
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You paint a real smooth silky picture of your AP. That's common. He's not there to deal with all your bad habits, he's only there to give you an ego boost when you need it.
He's the "knight in shining armor"to rescue you from your dragon husband when you are feeling abused by him.
Your BH feels abused too, that is why he withdraws. His wife had and continues to have an affair on him and she is subconsciously blaming it all on him.
You say you don't?
Well every time he triggers you want to run to AP because you don't like the consequences that go with betrayal.
Do you not realize that your AP is just appeasing you til you "reward" him again. He keeps initiating because he wants more of what you gave him already.
you say he's
NOT THE BAD GUY HERE.

Yes he is. He is helping you disrespect your marriage, your husband and yourself.
What kind of reputation does a married woman or man have that has an affair?
Not a good one and he is helping you with that.
You think he is being good by answering your calls and listening to you complain about your husband..he is dragging you further down the hole and you are letting him.
You think you won't have to suffer berating because you had an affair?
No he shouldn't abuse you, but he does have the right to vent, he does have the right to be hurt. He does have the right to want to leave.
You do need to work on yourself..without the help of your AP. You need to find a good counselor and keep communicating with your husband.

You have no true remorse for what you've done.
If you really knew what you did..you would run so far from AP that he would think he made you up and you never existed.
Every time you engage your AP..you chip away the possibility of a successful reconciliation with your BH.

How can you heal your marriage if you keep involving a third person in a marriage of two.

Not the bad guy here huh?

He is and as long as you continue to be around him, communicate with him and be emotionally and physically involved with him..you are too.
You're husband is not the bad guy..only when you make him out to be to your AP.
Fix you.that means no AP..NC.
Be transparent because right now you are not.
Your husband has the right to trigger and be moody.
His wife is working with the guy she cheated on him with..
You would be moody and snide to if you had to wear those shoes.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 4:24 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a thought to ponder..

If AP really was a good guy, what do you think a good guy's response to this situation would be?

Yes he loves you, needs you, wants to, NEEDS to have sex with you. It's just so passionate and exciting and has made you believe in romance again right?

But let's just for a moment give him the benefit of the doubt that he really IS a good guy (as was MY AP). In this situation, in a text book answer, what would a GOOD guy do?

I think an honourable single guy who has happened to fall in love with a married woman at this point would say something like "I love you, but you belong to another man and have made vows to him. Please try and work on your marriage or not, but I will not be the man you sneak away with. I want you all to myself and do not want to share you. I insist we have no further contact as I do not want to be the cause of a broken marriage"

Perhaps this is too simplistic and we are not in a text book world but I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying. May be he has said something similar to this to you and that's why you claim he is a good guy? In which case do as he says. Stop the A and concentrate on your M.

I remember thinking the sun shone out of my AP's arse. He was just soooooo perfect and could do no wrong. There are still moments I am triggered where I see him as "broken and hurting and deep down a good guy". I'm sure he is in any other circumstance. But, the fact remains, he still lied to his wife and family on a daily basis. That's how GOOD of a guy he was.

nb. Some seasoned WW's sometime mention how the AP tells you what you want to hear. At the time you don't believe it because you KNOW AP and you KNOW he's genuine right? You can see it in his eyes for the whole time you're with him. He's torn. He doesn't know what to do. It's me who keeps it going. It's me who convinces him we should do this. It's not his fault.

Sound familiar?

[This message edited by Trying33 at 11:21 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep reading "good guy/bad guy" posts on here, like everyone in the world falls into one box or the other. Yes, they are diametric opposites, but you leave out TONS of shades of gray in the middle where people can approach things with good intentions but follow through poorly (the recent controversy regarding Mother Teresa strikes me as this).

If you do good work all week in a Christian society, but don't go to church because you personally don't believe, are you a good guy or a bad guy? If your only vice is gambling, but you repent for it all the time in Confession, are you a good guy for repenting, or a bad guy for letting the behavior continue with consequential results? If a pillar of the community keeps women chained in his basement? If a hateful gay-bashing preacher discovers his own homosexuality and refuses to change his message?

Nice people do bad things, just as "evil" people do good (occasionally, with the intent to cover up the bad, but I digress). You can't just deposit the people in your life into these two boxes. There's lots of room in the middle where good people are making bad decisions and bad people are trying to redeem themselves. Be one of the latter; stop your own bad behavior.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KB, I agree with what you're saying but all the good guy bad guy comments were in direct relation to the original posters comments.

It was more of an attempt to give some perspective and gently bring into reality (which most fresh ww's need the most, I definitely did). The fog is so thick during times like this, it certainly helped me when people highlighted that possibly my thinking may have been a bit skewed?


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very good point Trying.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4506 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotcha, Trying. You did make some good points. Sorry if what I said was tangential or unhelpful.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not at all. I think what you said was helpful.

You can't just deposit the people in your life into these two boxes. There's lots of room in the middle where good people are making bad decisions and bad people are trying to redeem themselves.

I'd like to think most waywards are good people that made bad decisions. At least that's how I'd like to think of myself.

What's important here is separating what we feel/see/perceive in the fog vs what is reality. I still believe my xAP is inherently a good person, he like me made bad choices. Maybe he was a BAD person who did a good thing (by ending the A) and trying to redeem himself? Who knows?

All I do know is during the A and shortly after and during immediate withdrawal he could do no wrong. I had my rose tinted glasses on. There's still a tiny amount of rouge left on my glasses but every day they're becoming more and more transparent.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
IAteTheApple
♀ New Member
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still struggling. I don't know if this will make sense, but I have the answer to "why do I want to stay with BH?" but I don't yet have an answer for "why do I not want to be with AP?" So, the feelings just lurk there and every time we work together, they bubble up and over. Or when BH says something hurtful (that I'm sure I deserve, don't get me wrong) and I just think, "Why not AP?"

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long has it been, since you were last in contact with AP?

Until you've had NC for a significant time period (a week, a month) you won't be able to make a rational decision about your M. You owe it to your BH to be "all in" to your M, or "all out." This means finding another job, too, where you will never see or speak to AP again. Ever. As long as you are M.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
IAteTheApple
♀ New Member
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long has it been, since you were last in contact with AP?
Until you've had NC for a significant time period (a week, a month) you won't be able to make a rational decision about your M. You owe it to your BH to be "all in" to your M, or "all out." This means finding another job, too, where you will never see or speak to AP again. Ever. As long as you are M.

I'm ashamed of the answer to that question. If anyone involved finds this, I'm sure there's enough here already to out me, so I'll just go ahead and say that we are actors. I cannot quit this job, but it will be over next month. If my M and I make it until then.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
sarahsorry812
♀ New Member
Member # 36825
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need STRICT NC. That is THE ONLY way to get out of the fog you are in. Listen to the responses here - they are all right on.

He's a liar and a cheat an disrespectful to you an your M. You are simply giving him what he wants so he keeps telling you what you want to hear.

And thats bullshit that he says he left a long term relationship for you. You can't see it now, because you are in the fog that is so thick it will eat away and ruin you.

If you had issue in your M prior to the A, go work on them. STOP running to AP everytime you and H have a disagreement. AP is sitting back enjoying every minute of this. He has complete control over you. Go get your control back. Remember the vows you made and work on honoring them and making things right.

The longer you keep up this cycle, the worse things will get until you reach a point where you have compromised all of your core values and morals and you won't recognize yourself anymore.

Read the stories here from BS and what they go through. It's horrible. And you caused this.

Sorry for being a little rough, but that's what I needed and it helped me.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2012
JKL Vikings
♂ Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI I ate the apple. You would do well to listen to BaxtersBFF and floridaredman. Your OM has not dealt with you in REAL LIFE.
Real life has a way of bursting the affair bubble. Quickly. If you want to put things back together with your husband, the OM needs to go away
YESTERDAY
If you can't leave your job, here are some rules of engagement:
1.Any communication between you and the OM is done on COMPANY, not PERSONAL phones, etc. If you can make them available to your H, even better.
2. NO CASUAL CONVERSATIONS about the weather, or last night's ball game, etc. Your only communication with his is as it relates to your JOB. Period
3. You are NEVER, EVER, EVER, alone with the OM
You can do this. Stay NC with the OM. Post here, PM me or I'll even sing 80s one-hit wonders with you till the urge passes
Stay strong
JKL

[This message edited by JKL Vikings at 3:08 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 41
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 515 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 32
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