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User Topic: I need some support please
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Following up on stillhere's post (which is right on point):

Doing it this way also keeps you from getting off topic and keeps the focus on his behavior, not how you found out. It will help you redirect the conversation, and it's good practice for using boundaries (what you will and will not do).

Furthermore, by not telling your sources you make it unlikely that he will know how to cover his behavior if he tries to keep the A going.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
iammine
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Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh this is great....

He asked her this morning how she was. She said she was frustrated that she didn't have smokes and gas. We are former smokers and he said... I'll help you out!


ITS MY MONEY!!! HE ISN'T WORKING!!!!

And she said " Awwwwww you are so sweet!"


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
stillhere09
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Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


That would do it for me. Why would you want to support a couple of cheaters either financially or emotionally?

You are worth much more than this!

I'd tell her, sorry, but I am not willing to supply you with gas and cigarettes. Kick him the hell out of there and then let him explain to her why he suddenly can't help her out!

He is a user. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. It's just that you can do so much better.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She came into my work today and when I saw her come in I bailed and went into the back. I knew she would come over to me and be all sugary sweet and I thought I may have lost my temper.

But then I've rehearsed in my mind what I was going to say about camping.

I don't feel very strong or confident today.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

~sighs~

I can't believe how much they have increased their visits since our huge fight ... everyday, sometimes twice a day. He got short term work so he will leave and go see her and come home. He got this work because of MY boss. OW even said she would stop by where he is working to say hi.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Getting to Happy
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Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG!!
You must be going crazy Iammine!!

Please spend some time getting your ducks in a row, SI talk for knowing your rights and speaking and perhaps retaining a lawyer...checking your accounts...closing your joint ccards, stuff like that.

Do what is best for you. You need to look after yourself. Since he is busy helping his 'friend'!

Ditch this ner-do-well guy. How dare he spend your cash on this twit!

I know that you know that this is more than a EA. Right?!?

I know that sounds harsh. I don't mean to rub it in, I just want to say things plainly. This shit is so intense, that sometimes reality warps and we make excuses or try to minimize the situation to ourselves because the pain is so searing...I am so sorry that your are going through this.

Please protect yourself and your heart.

He needs the 'hefty bag on the curb' treatment.

Ditch and detach. UGH!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Ashland13
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Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What the term is I don't know, but this mirrors Perv's behavior. He tells everyone what they want to hear and then I hear something entirely different from his lawyer, which is where it really counts. And they are huge life-altering issues. It's part of what finally pushed me to make the decision to file.

I get the impression that it really means something like "go away". He doesn't want to be held accountable for a darn thing but makes choices in life that drastically affect other's lives and I sniff that about your partner.

FWIW, our relationship was 20 years and he and OW wrecked it.

In no way would an OW of any kind be let any time with my family. I can't understand that part, Fighting. To me it's fuel for the fire, so to speak and gives them a chance to be around each other, almost like permission or something...I don't like it.

I can't tell from your post if there's a hidden PA, but I would be intolerant of Perv telling another woman those things. You don't have to let it keep happening-it's not fair to you.

I have to agree with StillHere, as this behavior from your partner is just too much like Perv.

I wish you well, Iammine and hope you won't put up with it for long.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. The fights are common when a WH or wayward partner might be trying to get up courage to leave.

Perv used to make fights and then stomp out.

Where do you think he went?

C'mon Iamime, you sound just like I used to be and I worry for you. I didn't listen to people and I got really, really messed up.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
libertyrocks
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Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99% of the time, it's defenitely MORE than an EA. Sorry, sweetie. Your situation doesn't sound good. I think you know the answer, it's just a matter of time before you get fed up. :(


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you once again for the support. I am going to be brutally honest about my life. Its time I start to deal with everything. There are a few swears, I do

apologize in advance...

I've been with my partner for 17 yrs. We are NOT legally married because he doesn't "feel like it".

We have 4 children. My eldest daughter has hooked up with a guy who is 11 yrs older, who has 4 kids with 4 different women who he pays no support to. They have been

together over a year and our daughter is well aware that we do not approve but we support her the best we can. We advised her, or more like I begged her not to get

pregnant. I was hoping the relationship would end rather quickly but she informed the family that she is 4 months pregnant. She is beyond over the moon happy but

with his track record I do not think this is not going to end well. Emotionally my daughter is not ready to be a mother, especially not a single mother.

Our son is a wayward soul and it breaks my heart. As soon as he hit high school he got into drugs and skipped school and ran away from home and is now living with

some girlfriend and her parents. This is where my partner really excelled in parenting. He always went to bat for our son. He was the one pleading to give our son

just one more chance. He was the one that would call the police to try and get some sort of help for him but it didn't work. I hope he is alright, I miss him so very

much. He needs to be in rehab but there are no free programs without a waiting list of a year.

Then we have twin daughters. They seem to be typical teenagers and don't cause any real problems. They are going into high school next year and it scares me.

My partner has an issue with not wanting to work. In 17 yrs, he has worked 3yrs. He has a sense of self entitlement. For some reason he does not feel that he needs

to work. But the worst part is that his mother thinks that is okay. She will give him money anytime that he wants it. She will pay our rent, etc. I ask him what is

going to happen when she passes on, what is he going to do in his old age? I have a stellar work record. I've never been fired and have had 2 jobs in 10 years and

I've worked one way or another since I've been 14 yrs old. My current position I've been at for 5 yrs and I have never had a sick day, I suck it up and go in. I

teach my children good work ethics and my partner does not!!! Its sad!

My partner is not a supportive person. He hasn't said that he loves for 8 or more years. He will hug me to lead into sex. No birthday gifts, no Christmas gifts, no

picked flowers, nothing. He won't go out of his way to even make me a coffee, but I have to stratch his back after my 9 hour shift. 6 years ago, I made the worst

mistake of my life. I had a EA with someone who had been my friend for over 25 yrs. It moved into a PA, I was physical with him maybe twice when I needed to end it

and I told my partner. As much as I show him I am remorseful and I feel extremely guilty he will rub it into my face every chance he gets. He has told complete

strangers, people who have never met me that I cheated on him. He has told single female friends that I cheated on him. I explained to him the reason why I did it

was that he told me I was beautiful and he would treat me so wonderfully. That was the only reason. I wanted to feel loved. I so regret it. And I can't get over the

guilt that I feel.

The OW is a single mom who has had a hard life. Her mom committed suicide and unfortunately she found her mom's body. She has 2 sons with 2 different dads. She

likes to cause drama and shit on Facebook. She will drag anyone's name around if you get into it with her. I don't ever know who she is trashing on Facebook but I

can't help but feel sorry for them. She has a lot of trouble with her eldest son. Last summer when our sons went camping with us, she told me that she raised a

hammer above her head and threatened her son because he was mouthing her off. I was speechless. I just walked off. I've never seen her in a stable relationship and

likes to say on Facebook that she doesn't take seconds or other women's men. Whatthefuckever!

As I mentioned I am getting all incoming and outgoing texts from his phone. Obviously he does not know this but I did share that I received one of his messages to her

by mistake. The message was sent on Mother's Day and he told her that she was the sexiest, hottest mom that he knows. Wow, ruin my day!!! So, I asked him about it

and he threw my A into my face. Basically since I did what I did, he has a free pass to do whatever he wants.

He tells her that she is pretty. I get nothing. He encourages her and when I triple my commission in a month, I get "yeah, great"

Plus, he disappointed me greatly when after 5 mths of planning a trip he says he isn't going because his mom said we shouldn't. This trip was on my bucketlist. I

made a dream a reality and he fucked it up for me.

He goes and sees her everyday. He texts her all day long and tells her exactly what is going on. She will ask. He will heavily flirt with her. She will say

nothing. There has never been any sex talk between them. Example, ohhh baby you were amazing. Nothing like that.

My immediate concerns...

I have booked 2 weeks off of work. One week in July and one in August. The week in July, we go camping while our girls go to a sleepover camp. This time is very

important to me. I do nothing but drink, hike and chill out for a week and not worry about anything. This is the time OW came down last year with her sons. This year

it appears she has invited herself to camp with us. She has no reason to be there, our sons are no longer friends. Our time in August is more family when our girls

camp with us for a week. I don't know what to do. I deserve this time. I do not take any other vacation time throughout the year.

My twins are starting high school in a few months. How is this going to mess them up at an already stressful time for them. Everyone wants a seperation or divorce to

be as painless for the children as possible.

His mom is very opinionated. She exclaimed that my daughter should have had an abortion. Holy hell, I was speechless. So was he. My concern is that when this all

comes to light, she will laugh it off. An EA? What silliness!!! She would tell him to tell me to quit fussing. Or, she will get nasty and tell him to kick me out

and take the kids and she will pay the lawyer. How can I go up against that? My mom does say that I have the upperhand because I know whats going on and have proof.

So, can you see why I'm tired? His mom, himself and OW has finally broken me down.

I ranted a bit... thanks for reading



Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
iammine
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Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People have asked whether he is physically abusive, absolutely not! Like I said in a previous post, he is more like a 15 yr old boy in a 44 yr old man's body. Temper tantrums and he always have to have the final word.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im not quite sure why you think this is NOT a PA? I know,you said you've not seen her respond to his flirting..but she encourages it..she asks him for time ,attention,and money..and he gives it freely. He shows very little interest in you or your well being,and is down right abusive in the way he talks to you and the disrespect he shows you. He is putting this woman before you..and he is doing it right in front of you.

The camping trip? Tonight after work,go to her house. Knock on her door and tell her she is not invited. That you find her "friendship" with your husband highly inappropriate and you are not ok with them talking to each other anymore. Then go home and tell your husband you know about his affair(dont reveal how..or how much you know)..tell him you've told his "friend" you will no longer tolerate her presence in your lives..and then tell him if she shows up on the camping trip,you will pack up and leave..and he can go with her..Im so pissed of for you right now!!


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7310 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iammine, you deserve so much better than this. If a friend told you this story about her relationship, what would your advice to her be? Your WS is not sorry about what he is doing and he is not going to stop without some strong action on your part. You are clearly a strong and dependable woman. Use that to your advantage. This stops when you say it stops. It really is that simple. If he wants a free pass, give it to him, along with his walking papers. He does not have the upper hand here, you do. He can go live with mama.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Aug 2010
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You both need counselling. You clearly hadn't put the groundwork in after your A and it sounds like he's held it against you all this time.

What he is doing is wrong and I suspect they both know they are going to end up sleeping together if they aren't already.

But, what you did was wrong too and there are no excuses for an A even when your spouse refuses to get a job ... that isn't an excuse; that's just a permission slip!!


If he tells people ( strangers even) about your A he is punishing you and there's no reconciliation in this relationship.

It's going nowhere as it stands and he is using your A as an excuse to keep you "where (he thinks) you belong" which (to him) is brow beaten and keeping him.

Confront the ow and tell her you have evidence that indicates she is in a relationship with your husband and that, if she doesn't back off, you'll name her in every lawyers letter if you ever decide to divorce.


Why are your and her sons no longer friends? Is it since your son left home? Or is it because perhaps the boys know more about what's been going on with your husband and the ow than you do??

Whatever the texts say- your ow might JUST be clever enough to tell your husband not to send incriminating texts and may know that if she doesn't reply to saucy ones she can maintain the air of innocence!

My FWH convinced me he was in an EA!! Turns out it was almost 3 years of f***ing!!

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 8:02 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jul 2009
Rise And Shine
♀ Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The people who don't want to be accountable for their own actions tend to gravitate towards the people who handout free passes. It's the law of nature.

Lady, you got deep pockets full of free passes and you generously pass them out to everyone, including yourself.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
iammine
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Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What free pass have I given myself?

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
JustDone
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Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iammine, I'm a madhatter, too. One affair does not give someone a free pass to injure the other. I also recommend you get yourself into counseling in order to stand up for yourself, learn to forgive yourself and move on - either with or without your partner.

There is also a thread here for madhatters:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=450232

You don't have to put up with this.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2783 | Registered: Feb 2006
Rise And Shine
♀ Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What free pass have I given myself?

If people in your life are shitting on you it's because you give them a free pass to do so. In order for you to give the people in your life a free pass to shit on you, you first have to give yourself a free pass from being accountable for your own emotional wellbeing by not defining and enforcing your personal boundaries.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it.. Yes, definately too many free passes.

I went for counseling after my A and did everything my partner asked. I stopped going because he would tease me by asking if I was going to see the "crazy doctor" . And there is nooooo way in hell he would ever step into IC or MC ... I'm going back. The downfall is there is a 3 mth waiting list but at least I have an appointment.

The boys are no longer friends because OW's son basically got tired of my sons behavior and told him to take a hike. They did a lot of shit together but OW's son took responsibility and grew up.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so frustrated I could cry... I was looking at my work schedule and I have to work 6 9 hour shifts in a row. It's very early shifts and I lose a lot of sleep and it kills me. I said to him it's going to be hard getting through these shifts and he said "yeah well..."

Jerk!!!!!!


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
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