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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How does anger and rage heal?
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure if it is healing or not, but I think it is almost inevitable.

I hate when I rage. Imo, mine are particularly bad. I say horrible things and it goes on for hours and hours. I say things I don't mean.

Afterward, I am embarrassed and feel terrible.

I think wonderboy hit the nail on the head with his assessment.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how it heals, but I know two things:

Feeling a feeling like rage, at least temporarily, is almost always better than trying to bury it.

Every time I raged at FWH and he responded by listening, empathizing, and reiterating that he was willing to work through it with me, it helped me.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suspect that your question is not "How does the anger & rage heal?", but "Will it ever come to an end, and will we be whole when it does?" I'll bet it's terrifying for you to see her go through it, but good for you for being there for her. Don't question it, just own your shit. As long as it doesn't become abusive, it is cathartic for the BS.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
wifeno2
♀ Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eventually it stopped being helpful and just made me feel out of control and worse.

But in the first year it helped tremendously. I think because during that year I put more and more things together, had more realizations about just what had happened and was so hurt and angry. I would tend to try to keep it to myself or try to talk calmly with WH about it but then would "let go" on him about every 3-4 months. It was helpful because at that time I thought he was actually hearing me. I was expressing what was really going on inside. Which wasn't calm. Wasn't pretty and wasn't well controlled. And it was a relief. I wanted to be heard. And sadly, getting mad was the only way this happened.

As it turned out he wasn't really hearing me. Just saying what he knew he should. It made no difference in his behavior or his attitude toward me. So now getting angry just makes me feel like I've lost control.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you concerned that one of these times she is going to say eff it I am done after she rages? And she will mean it?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5068 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
eyesrnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The opposite of Love is not hate or anger. What kills love is indifference.

My anger masked a deep sorrow and sadness. I expressed it so my WS would hear me and I could get it out. I could not control it because I needed him to hear me and become remorseful so we could move beyond my pain. Sadly, he responded with his own anger and shut me down. Now I am entering into indifference and detachment. That is truly the opposite of Love. Remember she loves you or she wouldn't care so deeply. If she were going to leave she would be detaching. It will pass if you are patient and understanding then she will learn to trust you again.


This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Apr 2013
Pudding
♀ Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I would say that Skan's comments are spot on. She is exactly where I have been. If the WS can stand by and support and help us heal through our extreme upset which expresses as raging and anger, then there is some chance of R.

For me, it is getting better because FWH has stuck by me and shown he is prepared to to work to make our marriage work and for us both to be happy together.

I would also add (although others here will disagree) that one thing that I want to see is my FWH expressing the same kind of raging and anger towards the OP with whom they colluded to wreck our marriage. If my FWH showed anger towards his OW, I would feel that he was standing on my side against her. I want him to rage as well. He just feels indifference.


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
unforgivable5
♂ Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am truly grateful for everyone taking the time to respond to this. I have read through every post on this thread at least a dozen times.
I won't pretend to know exactly the rage a BS feels, but I really try. I am trying to empathize. And when I do, it scares me to think of how angry I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. I don't know how I would function. It seems crazy to think I could get through and eventually get over what I am asking my BS to.
A question for Dixie, or anyone else that knows, what is EMDR?
SadinAZ... you know, you are right. I did want to know how it heals, but yes, I also wonder if it will end, and when it does, will we be whole. I'm guessing you all will tell me that depends on her, and also on my actions?
Tiredgirl... Yes, I am worried that she will eventually say eff it and eff you. I love her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But as I am learning through this process, I destroyed her and what she ultimately decides is best for her is somewhat out of my hands, huh?
eyesrnowopen... I too would sometimes respond to qustions and rage from my BS with anger. Through IC, I learned that I(and most men) responded with anger to mask my extreme shame and guilt. I have always buried uncomfortable feelings and when faced with some of these horribly dreadful feelings, I didn't know how to express myself. I wasnt angry at my BS for any of this. I doubt your WS is angry, just horribly shameful for what he has done.
Pudding... my BS wants me to feel that way too, because like you said, she was gunning to destroy my family. I understand my BS, but I care so little about the OW that I won't give her that type of energy or emotion. I feel indifferent as well. I think as WS we put so much of it on ourselves that the AP becomes so insignificant. I know the AP had no regard for my family and my wife, but I made my choices. AP didnt hold a gun to my head. I did what I did. So until I get through the self loathing for my own actions, I have no energy for the AP. Does that make sense?


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As an x-BS I can say it doesn't heal the BS. It only serves to let out the frustration and anger so we may be able to feel a little better for a while.

I don't think anything TRULY helps us heal completely. Unless a BS divorces a WS, I don't think the pain every completely goes away. There will always be some small part of people that never will trust their WS 100% ever again. There will always be triggers.

I think completely healing is out of the question. IMO, only coming to a point where it doesn't hurt us on a daily basis is the most we can expect.

However, in my situation, I divorced my wife. I wasn't going to go through life having to have a fit of controlled rage, or looking at her with disgust. I wanted more for myself than that.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A question for Dixie, or anyone else that knows, what is EMDR?

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a therapy used for PTSD. It can reduce the frequency and intensity of negative memories or triggers.

From WebMD

Your therapist will move his or her fingers back and forth in front of your face and ask you to follow these hand motions with your eyes. At the same time, the EMDR therapist will have you recall a disturbing event. This will include the emotions and body sensations that go along with it.

Gradually, the therapist will guide you to shift your thoughts to more pleasant ones. Some therapists use alternatives to finger movements, such as hand or toe tapping or musical tones.

I was skeptical at first, but it helped me significantly. Other members of the forum have benefited from it too. For me, I felt stuck and my mind would not wind down. EMDR took the edge off.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
girlsbird
♀ Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the rage and anger kept me from hurting myself. When I was raging I was so focused on the anger that I could not/did not want to hurt myself. I know it sounds strange but that is the way it was. It kept me alive, so therefore have been able to heal, well at least close the wound

Yes, I also have PTSD, like Skan from former abuse and FOO issues.

[This message edited by girlsbird at 9:53 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I feel better after my rage. I tell H, I'm not looking for a reply, just hear me. I learned through IC/MC to tell him "he hurt me."

Good luck sweetie. It's so cool you're on here doing these things asking for help. My H would never do what you're doing... :)


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
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