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Newest Member: sandihaze (45362)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New to this part of SI
beforeandafter
♂ Member
Member # 37618
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my WS has proven that she has more issues than I can ever deal with, so I am officially moving to D/S from other areas. She has been asked to leave, and she has complied willingly. After giving the attorney some of my hard earned, I couldn't help but feel like that is the last payment I have to make to her. As bad as things are right now, things only move up from here.

And there is a great sense of optimism with all this. I know that I have the will and means to make myself a better person in spite of being subjected to a relationship with the most heartless person I have ever met. Meanwhile, she will have learned nothing. There will be a new poor soul drained of all money, life, and goodness to the succubus known as my STBXW.

Anyhow, after that little vent, I have to say I am weirded out by the empty house. Not that it makes me sad or anything, just the lack of commotion that it normally has. I find that I have less dishes to do, I can get by on two loads of laundry a week, and cooking is suddenly very easy because I only cook what I like and what I feel like cooking. Still, the lack of commotion makes me bored and leaves me with only my thoughts. I lament the woman I thought I married's passing. Its tough to quantify a breakup with an imaginary friend. Everything that was presented to me was false, so in hindsight I question every sweet nothing, every romantic gesture, and every touch. I don't think she changed during our M. I think she just got tired of being someone she was not.

How can you really grieve for something that never really existed the way you thought it did? I'm not sure it makes it any easier, but its damn scary that I was so taken by her. Where was my con-artist radar? I have keen business sense, so how was I able and willing to throw so much of myself into the bottomless pit of her heart? I think that's the question I need to answer first. Sorry for the length, but I hope my time here in D/S is short, but I'm going to stay here until I can safely move to NB.


Married 6-10-11
DDay 11-17-2012
DDay #2 6-5-13
Divorced 9-23-13

Posts: 123 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((b&a))))

Welcome to D/S, sorry you find yourself here.

It sounds like you have a good attitude though, and a good idea of what you want. We are here for when you need someone to lean on, or someone who has btdt.

((((b&a))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to this side.

For me I embarce all that now. Even the silence.

I can breath knowing I don't have to worry about the drama anymore. I can live in peace, do what I want, cook what I want, SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED.

Although we still see one another and trying to choose what we want to do, the space and the peace has really truly been a blessing for me. I don't really want to lose that again. I am not sure if I want him back now.

Anyways, try to just sit there in peace with no noise for a mintue. Embrace it, take a deep breath and exhale!

Then grab a beer or wine, put on some music and dance around in your undies and smile from head to toe, You my friend just ended drama that you never asked for!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
beforeandafter
♂ Member
Member # 37618
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dead, this site saved me after the first A. The users here really are incredible. I had hoped that my path would be a "success." I think my definition of success simply changed to being free of it.

FwL, I too, find simple pleasures in the single lifestyle. I get to leave the toilet seat up! I know that doesn't sound like much to you probably, but for me its like planting a flag on a mountain top. I am committed to staying away from booze. Probably the most positive thing that has happened to me during this relationship is many of my longer term friends were "Drinking buddies." They are definitely what I would consider to be good friends, but as I am no longer much of a drinker I could not help but drift away from them. Maybe one boys night out wouldn't hurt?

That being said, my support network needs a bit of work tbh. I'm trying to get more involved in my church, I also have volunteered coaching youth football for the last 4 years or so. That starts up again in the fall. After that starts up I will have very little free time between work and the aforementioned activities.


Married 6-10-11
DDay 11-17-2012
DDay #2 6-5-13
Divorced 9-23-13

Posts: 123 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome and hugs!! I am sorry you find yourself here but you are amongst awesome people. I admire your optimism and I know this will help you heal in a healthy manner.

Your post reminded how much easier my life has been since stbx left. More peaceful and zero resentment. Ahhhhh.

I also had to grieve the death of the man I married since I don't even know this person he has become. Perhaps you should look into inventing the "con-artist radar". I will be the first to buy one!!

Take care!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi and welcome to D/S,

It sounds like you are seeing things clearly and that will serve you well in the weeks to come.

I too am alone now in a very large house that was purchased (by me!) to house him and his 5 kids. It was already starting to feel "too big" as the kids got older and were around less, but now it feels enormous. There's just me here, with one fat cat and one small fluffy dog. (thank GOD for them, btw. If you don't have a dog, I highly recommend one!) The house is a split level and I'm literally never downstairs unless I'm leaving through the garage or tossing in a load of laundry. Big, empty, echoing rooms down there... its just weird.

At first I was just so MAD and jealous that he was the one who got to leave. A fresh new start, in a new house with a new woman. How bright and shiny AWESOME for him. And I'm stuck here with all the bad memories (ouch), the good memories (double ouch), and the memories of OW being here when we were all friends (don't even get me started....).

Anyway, one thing that has helped me is sort of "reclaiming" the areas of the house I do use. I don't have a lot of money to spend, but I've found that just moving things around helps tremendously. Now things are where *I* put them, not where he left them or even last saw them. It may sound dumb but its really helped me feel more of a fresh start, even in a place that was ground zero for the end of life as I knew it.

The other thing you mentioned was the lack of commotion in the house. I went through that too. The house went from full of love and life, to full of anger and drama, to full of angst and tears, to .... *crickets*. It's definitely very weird. My counselor calls this time "making peace with the peace", and though its harder than it sounds, you will get there. You're already appreciating some of the benefits of living alone, and the luxury of pleasing yourself, instead of walking on eggshells and trying to anticipate what bullshit the WS is going to pull next.

I have enjoyed that optimistic feeling you are talking about, and then also been pulled back into a state of feeling rejected, sad, and utterly ALONE. That change scared me.... but its normal. Just don't panic if one morning you wake up and find your optimism has abandoned you without warning. Keep strong, it will come back.

Big hugs to you through all of it!!


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 919 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick note that NB is about way, way more than dating, and that a good majority of people switch back and forth between D/S and NB, depending on what the topic at hand is.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
beforeandafter
♂ Member
Member # 37618
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dmari-that peace you mention: I hope that becomes more frequent. It ocsillates between peace and loneliness. Truthfully I miss her son more than her. We have no marital children, so the faster I can tie things off financially the faster I can have nothing to do with her.

Gypsy, I want to move stuff really bad. Problem is her crap is still here. I'm still sleeping in the marital bed that she may or may not have used to F some other guy. Part of me wants to throw it on the lawn and send her a text to come and get it. So far the cooler head is prevailing. As far as swings go, I switch from disbelief to anger to ambivalence. Personally I hope for more of the latter. And I do have a 7 year old lab, he is amazing. He knows when I need a wet nose.

Phmh I follow you. I don't think I even meant dating necessarily. For me I want to close this terrible chapter of my life. This is my second marriage, and I have had several ltrs, but I can honestly say that this is the first truly bad person I have ever been with. I don't wish her I'll will, but the thought of people getting what they deserve gives me comfort. Where I will be able to take this experience and be a better person, she will be stuck as the awful person she is. My nb is ridding my life of all that she is, rebuilding my shattered finances as a result of her, and figuring out why someone that evil could con me into a relationship. Then, and only then, will I think about starting a new relationship. Aside from possibly a ONS or two so I know I've still got it

Eta paragraph break

[This message edited by beforeandafter at 8:04 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


Married 6-10-11
DDay 11-17-2012
DDay #2 6-5-13
Divorced 9-23-13

Posts: 123 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am grieving something I never had.

I thought I did. I hoped I did. I had children with the mask FFS.

It is very confusing but please know that even though they were fakers/fraudsters it doesn't change OUR end of the bargain. We still loved as much as we did, we contributed and made an effort in our M. We tried to make good lives for our family. Nothing they did/do changes that. Not even their fakery can take that away from us.

What I felt was real. Who I felt them for was not real. My feelings were still real.

Take deep breaths friend. This is a normal part of the grieving process. If you're anything like me you'll have so many lightbulb moments in these next few months you'll be amazed at how long you tolerated her bullshit.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 9

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