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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My baggage v. yellow flags?
sheila0304
Member
Member # 25041
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know a man like this. He was living with a woman but always insisting on help me out. I appreciated the help but didn't expect it. I don't know how he painted me to her.
In my opinion, KISA is his issue, not hers. I wouldn't move in with him until he stopped the KISA stuff.
As for the guy above, the woman moved out after living together over a year because he wouldn't fully commit.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Aug 2009
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what? So what if it is your baggage? In a healthy relationship, your SO would be concerned about your feelings and willing to work with you, within reason, to help you feel safe secure and trusting. Your SO is putting his XW and her "needs" above and before yours.

This isn't a good omen for a healthy relationship with him going forward.

I suggest, like others, that you be honest about your feelings about his being a KISA to his X, and tell him his behavior is arrousing a lot of anxiety in you, for a number of reasons, only one of which is YOUR baggage.

Be blunt. Tell him you will need to see him move on and sever ties with his X in order to feel secure about him as a life partner. If he is unwilling to do this, your prospects for a healthy relationship with him are pretty dismal.

He hasn't *really* divorced her yet. He isn't ready to be with you until he cuts the cord. Hold off on cohabiting until this is resolved.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always tried to be the "cool" girlfriend who doesn't get jealous because she feels secure. But right now it feels like an act
The "cool" girlfriend is the one who tends to get used, taken for granted, and walked on. I did the "cool" gf thing before too, and never again. I am too old to be cool and not interested in squashing down my feelings, and I don't care sometimes if I am unreasonable. Anyway, you are not being unreasonable. If he is feeling a need to be saving other women, he has some issues, and if you don't put a stop to it, it will cause major problems in the future.

My bff's fiance is a KISA and so is my new guy. We both took the same stance on that. Basically, the only damsel in distress these guys need to be helping is the one they are dating, and I have enough crap of my own, and so does my gf, that if they feel the need to help out in some way or another, we will both be happy to find ways to let them help. It works great for both of us.....

And I don't care if he hurts some other chick's feelings. Not. My. Problem.

New guy had one female friend that used him as a personal chauffeur. She would call him any hour of the day so he could take her here or there. One night, she texted him, no kidding, 20 times about some video game they both play. She has a bf of her own, btw.....

I put a stop to that immediately......I told him that he isn't driving her all over anymore. She is an adult. She has a bf. They can figure things out together. And, when we are together, now if she texts him, he tells her he is with me and he'll get back to her tomorrow. She has totally quit calling him for rides and she rarely texts anymore. I am not sharing my time with my man with some other girl.


So, you're not OK with hurting the feelings of friends and acquaintances but you're AOK with hurting your wife. You need to start protecting ME and our M rather than your social circle.".
BRAVO!!!!!!

Make sure YOU are the priority.

Do you feel you have to be the "cool" gf to keep him? Do you feel if you don't let him do whatever he wants, he will leave? Freedom is important, but too much freedom doesn't work either.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:21 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so tricky when you have a little well deserved baggage. I hear you don't want to dump on him. But he is bringing a lot of baggage too, namely a whole other person.

Seriously, lots of us lost our handy XHs and we hire someone or call a neighbor or family member. She has the money to hire all the skilled personnel she wants, but it has to be her XH?

Don't worry so much about your baggage and dumping your anxiety on him. Show him just how crazy uncomfortable this makes you feel for real. Let him see this side of you rather than almost hiding it from him. I know you haven't completely hidden it for him as you've discussed it, but he really needs to get the true depth of your feelings.

The XW is acting like his little princess. When you should be in that role...except you are truly more mature than she is, you are a confident queen who understand her emotions even when they are strong like they are now.


Here's to A New Life of Excellent Health, Financial Abundance, Nature's Beauty, Amazing Art and Personal Creativity, with Love, Beauty and Peace All Around Us.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: United States
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the feedback. We will address this going forward.

I know that if I draw a firm line, he will choose to honor me. I also know that he will think I'm being unreasonable because in HIS mind this is not an issue.

I just need to figure out how to tell him my issues without it sounding like I'm "laying down the law."

I also have to say he has been helping me a lot with getting my house ready for sale - fixing and waterproofing my deck, building a new front porch, and laying flooring in the kitchen. Poor guy - between both of us, he sure isn't getting to enjoy his retirement lately.

It's interesting none of the men have weighed in on this subject.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a guy friend who is a total KISA - he helps out everyone and I do call him to help me when I need to fix something, etc. However, I am cognizant of whether or not he's dating, he usually doesn't date at all, but when he briefly did, I still invited both of them to do things, but I did not ask for help and respected the new boundaries.

I hope he gets it.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4160 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also know that he will think I'm being unreasonable because in HIS mind this is not an issue.

This worries me more than the boundary issue itself. We all have some baggage and issues that need worked on but the fact that he isn't willing to admit them is the real issue.

I just need to figure out how to tell him my issues without it sounding like I'm "laying down the law."

Honesty. Just tell him what and why it is making you uneasy. If your planning to move in together you should have open communication. He should know why and how this is an issue for you and he should be willing to unbegrundgingly enforce stricter boundaries not only for you and your relationship but himself as well.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if you tell him that you don't want him to stop doing this because you said to, but instead that it's important to you to see him demonstrating healthy boundaries, and the way she expects him to be at her beck and call makes you uncomfortable?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13196 | Registered: Jul 2011
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK.... Guy here....

Tell him to buy the woman a subscription to Angie's List.....

She's exercising her manipulation tactics because of you...

Dat's da way I sees it...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's interesting none of the men have weighed in on this subject.
We had a long, long talk about this early on in our relationship, and even while we were just friends we had discussed his tendency towards playing the KISA....

He has done a lot of introspection, and he said at first he thought he was just being a nice guy, and he wants people to like him. Digging deeper, basically, he said when he helps women out by either listening to their intimate problems or helping them when they are in need, he feels they owe him sex....you know, slay the dragon, get the princess.....

Even though he knows he is not following thru on going after the sex...it is such a very deeply held belief/expectation/whatever.....and he said he would have denied before he had done the self work.

So, he is agreeable to not doing the KISA stuff anymore, and he is at the point where if a woman approaches him with a problem, he removes himself from the situation. He wants ME to be his one and only priority and this is what I mean when I say on here that he shows it. If he gets into a situation where he is unsure of his motivations, he calls me and we discuss it. He is very protective of us emotionally. This is why I feel safe with him.

This woman is showing that she has some power over you by taking him away from you for a while, and making him do her bidding (help, help, ex.......I NEED your help....) and it would infuriate me.

He needs to examine his motives in this. I think this is why women have a problem with "nice" guys.....on the surface it seems nice but he is getting something out of helping her. Whether he is doing it from guilt, manipulation, confusion about his role in an ex-s life, or thinking that she may "owe" him something in return, he needs to dig deep and figure out his true motivation. Once he does, then you will know if you are comfortable with him doing these types of things.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 4:30 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I'm wrong, but I feel sorry for you planning to move in and move forward with a KISA. Nothing good can come from this. BTDT got the D... It's not just the infidelity; it was the years of coming second--not all the time, but often enough to build resentment which I could never express because it made me look small...sound familiar?

I wish you luck and hope you prove me wrong.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was married to a KISA also. Nothing good can come from this.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

p.s.
However, she usually calls for help when I'm at work.
Why do you think she only calls when you are unavailable......


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't think he is a KISA. I dated one, so I know what they are like. He doesn't run to everyone's aid. He just has a problem drawing boundaries with his X.

I trust him. I don't trust her. And she has been successful in getting into my head, if nothing else.

I appreciate all your advice and I will proceed with caution.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope everything goes well Newlease. For whatever it's worth, I don't feel your relationship is doomed. A lot of great male posters here dabble in KISA so I wouldn't blanketly label it as a bad trait. It's just something you will have to be mindful of balancing with your cool girlfriend syndrome.

Posts: 2972 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
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