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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
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Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
SisterMilkshake
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Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I'll be first again. Hi, Tribe. Waiting on a response from a letter I gave MisterSister. He still hasn't produced a timeline. I have been waiting patiently for a couple of years now. Think it is time he does something about it.

What say you all?

Wishing all peace and serenity and a beautiful weekend.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:44 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8975 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A new room for the LTA tribe! I hope this thread continues to give hope and support to everyone.
Maybe Laura can help us decorate the room? A beach theme for summer would be nice.
Maybe a 'cloud' of good wishes for all?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister-

I did ask for a timeline from my FWH and I got a very detailed one from him right after d-day.

Since his OW was a co-worker and all of their sexcapades took place at work conferences, conventions, training sessions, etc.it was fairly easy for him to go back 5 yrs and recall all of their meetings.

Even with all that detail I know that there were things that may have slipped through the cracks but I definitely got a lot of information....years worth of encounters.

It was tough to read but I needed to know and I also think that a side benefit was that my FWH was able to see the extent of his betrayal in black and white right in front of him.

Most of the WS are great at compartmentalizing and are able to almost lie to themselves about the details of the infidelity.

Writing out a timeline forces them to face the truth about themselves.... so IMHO I think it is a very worthwhile thing to do.

The more the WS learns about himself/herself the better the chance is that they will not repeat the past and instead work toward becoming a better person.

In your case I think that you have every right to ask/demand that he give you a timeline.

But, I do think that you will get a pretty strong negative response from him.

My FWH hates when I bring up the LTA at this point in our reconciliation.

He was OK about discussing it after d-day-not thrilled but he did it.

I got the most info from him after I kicked him out of the house and he was desperate for us to reconcile.

After he moved back home he thought that it was time to move forward and not focus on the LTA.

Maybe he was right but I was still on that emotional roller coaster for a few more years after d-day and would trigger and need to talk about the OW or the LTA.
That caused a lot of arguments in the NJ household.

In fact, that was the ONLY thing we disagreed about.

At about 4 1/2 yrs post d-day I began to finally let go of the need to discuss it.

I still thought about it but it was not as painful, the thoughts/triggers did not last as long and as long as my FWH was doing everything in his power to be the husband I always deserved I seemed to be able to move past the need to fact find.

So... what are you going to do?

Is the timeline important for you to get closure on this mess?

If so, maybe that could be the way you present this need to your FWH.

Tell him this is the last piece of the puzzle that you need to get to closure on this?

But.. be prepared for a less than positive reaction.

At this point post d-day the FWS wants all of it behind them.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was tough to read but I needed to know and I also think that a side benefit was that my FWH was able to see the extent of his betrayal in black and white right in front of him.
I really think this is one of my motivating factors in this. I don't feel he has fully faced exactly the extent of his betrayal.

HaHa! Right in the middle of responding to your post, njgal, MisterSister called (he is Up North) to tell me he is responding to my letter. This is letter where I expressed some other concerns and feelings I have and also asking for the timeline. He says the letter caused him great anxiety and made him feel like a piece of shit, which wasn't my intentions at all. *sigh* But, he is answering my letter paragraph by paragraph, which I feel is a good thing.

As far as getting a negative response from him, you are probably right. He just wants to move on and forward and not think of it anymore. He just told me on the phone that he thinks of it every day, not the affair, per se, and not the OW, but how he hurt me.

I think it feels overwhelming to him to try to write a timeline. First of all, so much time has passed. Second, he is always afraid he is going to do/say the wrong thing.

Tell him this is the last piece of the puzzle that you need to get to closure on this?
Yes, I feel that is probably a good way to present it. I do feel that is the last piece of the puzzle. I will be able to refer to it at any point if I start my "wonderings" and it will be in black and white and could probably calm me. I won't have to ask him again about something if I have it there.

I also told him in the letter I can't move on from the past if I don't know what I'm moving on from. That I want to know it all. I feel there was some other boundary crossing previous to this OW. I want him to be honest about that, too. As I have no proof, just gut feelings, I don't know if he will ever 'fess up to that. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Looking back, and now knowing what I know about him, I don't feel he deserved those "benefit of the doubts". I want the truth.

FWH hates talking about it. I don't know if it is because he can't stand to face the truth about himself, or if it is truly because he can't stand that he knows it is going to hurt me and that he has hurt me.

I am a little over 3 years post d-day. If I get the timeline, hopefully by 4 1/2 years post, like you, I will feel very little need to discuss it. FWH would like that very much as he is so uncomfortable talking about it.



BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8975 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister.. good for you in sending the letter. And yes, your FWH should feel like a pos for his A and I hope he truns that shame into true remorse and works his ass off to make amends!

So this brings me to Fathers Day. A wonderful time to enjoy the company of ones own father and the company of ones own children.

My stbxww never made a timelien per se. About three months after DDay2, we sat down and she ansered all of my questions. Detailed and painful. From that discussion, I have a timeline with the general time frame it started, the last time they had sex,and various dates with the help of phone records.

As njgal says, WS are great at compartmenlizing. My stbxww said (and will say) that they had sex about a dozen times over two years. But when I add up the places and times she gavie me in the discussion we had, this is way too low. Only my enjoyment of this day has been so tarnished that it will take a very long time before it truly shines for h&c.

DDay2 was the Friday evening before Fathers Day. I literally did not sleep Friday or Saturday night. My father came to our house for the afternoon and I could not bear to be with him or anyone else. I was in misery the whole day.

So, I think I have an agreement with my stbxww on the D settleent.
1. We will set aside a portion of our savings to cover college for DD1, DD2, and DS.
2. We will split the remainder of our savings 50/50
3. I will stay in our home and refinance to pay her one half of the quity in our home.
4. We will split the retirment savings, mostly mine, 50/50
5. I will cover all of the kids expenses. Healthcare, auto insurance / expenses, religous school, clothing, activities, entertainment, etc. I am glad to do this Just a continuation of what I have benn doing.
6. Child support at a level that covers all meals while the kids are with her (or her mortgage payment). stbxww has an advanced degree and earns a professional income though substantially smaller than my own.

So, stbxww will do well financially, I will continue to support my kids financially and the world will be all right.

Now, stbxww will take this to her lawyer to draft an agreement and hopefully things do not turn upside down. I am constantly amazed that she wants more than this: spousal support for her 20+years in the marriage; more child support to cover housing / utilities, and a 55/45 split of assets because her economic outlook is belaker than mine. :eyes

I just wish I could expel all the poison in my existense from her A and all of its horrors.

Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! Live with ease.

h&c :

[This message edited by hopeandchange at 5:02 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c

Sorry that your father's day was tainted by the LTA.

Hopefully, you will begin to create new Father's Day memories with your children-starting next week!

I like your divorce agreement...it sounds fair and equitable.

Your WW needs to get a grip and realize that her choices have consequences.....and there will be a financial impact on both of you.

That's the nature of divorce.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C: Try to focus on Father's Day with your kids NOW and forget about what she did in the past.
A little word of advice: when I drew up my separation agreement with xWH#1, we had agreed on x amount of dollars per month that he would give me. I had a savvy lawyer that said he would divide the x amount into some for "maintainance" and some for child support. The child support was less than the state definitions. He said I could then ask for more and the "maintainance" was the same.
It was the same amount of money, but it was divided so I could ask for more. I never did. xWH#1 was fair about everything financial.

Just be careful about how things are worded. Give her CS and specifically state for how long or for what ages the kids will be. Right now, things may seem amicable, but it will NOT be that way in the future!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C I am so glad honest brought up what I saw as a concern with your agreement. Please be very careful with wording. Do you have a lawyer also? You need to have your lawyer look it over, too, before you sign anything. Be very, very careful H&C as this can impact you financially for quite a bit longer than you anticipate.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8975 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is my update on R. Apparently I was loud at a department get together for drinks. Afterwards FWW said I was so loud I gave her a splitting headache. When she said that I told her I was going for a walk on the beach. An hour later she was gone from the hotel driving home in the truck (or staying somewhere who knows) leaving me 2 hours from home. She says she will be back to pick me up tomorrow, I do not trust her and making other arrangements. Either my son comes to get me or I explain to coworkers why I need a ride home.

Time to figure out D.

ETA: a coworker will give me a ride home, way to look good in front of coworkers.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:22 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats ~ I am so sorry! WTF!!??!!! That was totally an unbelievable.........I don't know what. I am speechless that your wife did that to you! I would be livid if FWH did that to me. Time to get your bitch boots on or whatever the heck the male equivalent is to them! ((((ats))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8975 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ats)))


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats-
Wow.
To have this kind of behavior going on so long after d-day is not acceptable.

Great-she ruined another weekend and embarrassed you in front of co-workers.

For what?

Because you were loud? or was it because you walked away from her?

My guess is that she
lost it when you went for your walk on the beach.
That is a typical BPD reaction.
If you remember my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder.
It is really difficult to live with someone that is this way and refuses to acknowledge it or seek out any kind of counseling to deal with it.
If you haven't already start reading up on BPD.
I was 50 yrs old when my therapist told me that it sounded like that my mother was BPD.
It was a real eye opener for me.
I finally had a label to describe what had been my life.
And it freed me because I finally realized that there was nothing that I could have done to make this woman happy...nothing.
You can do 100 things right and then you do one thing wrong and it negates everything else....and BPDs will hold on to that one thing forever.

and abandonment is a big issue for BPDs. They can walk away from you but you cannot walk away from them.
Maybe I'm wrong but it may be worth it for you to explore that -and maybe it will help clarify things.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive me! This post is going to be ridiculously long while I catch up!

Nell – thank you for your words of encouragement. As a ‘child of divorce’ whose life was significantly better before the divorce than after, thinking about the potential consequences to my DD is paralyzing at times. Today is 7 months past D-Day. I know in my heart I will never survive two years of this. I respect you for trying so hard for so long.

MC_Jack – I don’t know how to look up user profiles that you don’t chance across in a thread. I tried to read "Love Must Be Tough," but I kept getting hung up on the religious aspect and eventually set it aside. And (t/j) yes, I love Skyrim. I play Halo with my nephew and I do enjoy it but prefer Skyrim. Kind of like I preferred Dragon Age to Mass Effect. Guess I just like bows better than guns. (end t/j)

Am I focused on her issues and her fixing herself to avoid looking at my own problems? Is she fixing herself but I can't see it because I am more comfortable with a narrative that she is the one with all the problems? When will I know that she has finished her work of self-discovery? All the uncertainty and anxiety ==> I am just afraid. I am also afraid that maybe I will not want her after all in the 'end'.

As for your questions – no, I don’t think you are only focused on her issues and not focusing on yourself. You seem admirably self-aware. From what I can tell, you take responsibility for at least 50% of the pre-A issues, if not more. Don’t beat yourself up. I don’t think anyone ever ‘finishes’ self-discovery. At least not the ones who are serious about it. Do you really think you won’t want her in the end? Why is this? And Jesus – your mother sounds just like mine!

You are already so much stronger than when you first arrived. I hope you realize that because it does show in your posts.

7yrs – I am so glad you think so, because I sure as heck don’t feel like it. But you’re right, it is emotional terrorism. If you feel like sharing, I would love to know how the in-house separation works for you.

Time and time again I buy it because I want to believe it sooooo badly and when reality smacks me in the face, when I see evidence to the contrary, I break down again.

Honest – yup, that’s me. I happen to have a dear friend who is a divorce attorney, so I have had several informal consultations, solicited or not lol. I know that he can’t actually do half of what he threatened. I know that I can take him to the cleaners if I wanted to. I’m just not that type of person. And, like I said, hope dies a slow death. Even this weekend, he wanted to go car shopping and was making comments assuming we would stay together. But then when I tried to open a dialogue with him, it was the same old ‘I’m not having this conversation with you right now’ crap. Holds out candy with one hand, smacks me with the other when I try to pick it up.

I understand what you are saying about being tired of feeling used. Your WH sounds so much worse than mine, and I think of you often. You’re right – you need to follow your own advice. Don’t settle for crumbs and broken pieces of your soul. You deserve better than that. Put yourself first for a change. ((honest))

Miracle – Thank you for being my invisible rock. The STD tests came back negative, so while OP is still a skanky whore, at least she wasn’t a disease ridden skanky whore. As for the health concerns – I’m getting there. They’ve eliminated the scariest option, so it doesn’t look like I have to have heart surgery, but now I have to journal my pulse several times a day for a couple of weeks before they investigate further. It’ll be funny to see how much it jumps up when WH comes home! LOL

And I may have a job offer – it’s part time, but a lot of potential. Keep your fingers crossed for me – it’d be one more duck in my row!

As much as it breaks my heart, I know you’re right. He’s not going to step up. I could wait it out until OP gives up and get him by default, but I deserve better than that. So do you. Our goal should be to be happy – not to just not hurt anymore. ((Miracle))

the man is totally off his rocker....last week he was goin nuts because he had a "dream" that i met someone, and he couldn't stand the thought of some other man "groping" me...

WH got that way one day last week when I ‘liked’ a shirtless photo of some actor a girlfriend of mine posted on FB, acting all jealous and whatnot. I was like, seriously??? You can continue to have a barely-under-the-radar A with your ho, but I can’t admire a man-candy pic of some guy I’ll never meet in my life? And yet, the stupid part of me got excited he was jealous.

“DH I cried every day for ove a year. Here's hoping I've reached a place where that seems shocking. Point is, you'll heal. Not by tomorrow, but you'll get there.

m334455 – Sadly, I don’t find that shocking at all. I cry every day, every night, and several times in between.

Ats – I was going to ask if something happened that caused you to go from excited and optimistic about daytime sex to “I like FWW, but as a friend or roommate, not a W or lover,” but then I read how she abandoned you. I am beside myself! You and H&C both have WW’s that continuously amaze me – and not in a good way. So unbelievably selfish and self-absorbed. I am so sorry!!! ((ats))

TrustGone—I totally get the anxiety. I agree with the others that it is counterproductive to your recovery and outside of the ‘control the controllable’ realm, but I totally get why you’d be freaking out about it. I would be too. And OW left a note in your jewelry box? WTF is wrong with people?! You are in my thoughts and prayers as you head into surgery!

…your FWH should feel like a pos for his A and I hope he truns that shame into true remorse and works his ass off to make amends!

SisterMilkshake – ^^^THIS!

For all the dads here – I hope your Father’s Day is wonderful and filled with peace and joy.

((UKGirl))

Happy Belated Birthday Tryn!

((TRIBE!))


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats.

I am in agreement with njgal. When I read what had happened I saw BPD thinking there.

For what ever reason something pissed her off and she painted you black. Maybe she really did think you were a loud mouth drunk or maybe she did not like the fact that you were getting and giving more attention than she was. It could be some other reason. Once you were painted black there was no way out for you. If you used the defense that no one else seemed bothered by your behavior you probably would have heard that anyone who was not bothered is a idiot and also a drunk loud mouth.

You did what was probably best when you went for the walk. The only other recourse would have been to agree that you were indeed too loud. That probably would have just led all this to another bad spot. You do not get out of the painted black space that easy.

A few times my W got pretty mad at get togethers with friends and co-workers. Her problem was her percieved lack of attention from me and some jealousy about other females that were around. The thing is during these times she was not sitting alone in a corner. She would be surrounded by many, men and women all doing the social thing. The BPD double standard. We were doing the same thing but when she looked across the room and saw me enjoying myself, she only noticed that I was having fun without her. Yes some of this was during the LTA time! Having fun without me and without me knowing who she was with.

My W never took my truck and left me but I would not have been surprised if she would have done that. I would have been very, very pissed though and I am sure you are. Like njgal said, the double standard again. Don't leave me, that is wrong but it is O.K. to abandon you.

Now with all that said I do need to say this. I doubt she went with you to cause trouble or wanting this to happen. They have a illness that gets in the way of life. When something triggers them they sometimes revert to childlike behavior. The game is not going their way so they take their ball and go home or in this case she took your truck. The black & white thinking is so hard to understand and deal with. I have a hard time seeing only black & white. For me there is almost always a gray area in things.

Hang in there ats. Watch out for yourself.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS - Ugh, I am sorry to read what your FWW did. That sucks. Stay strong. I have related to so many aspects of your A that it is troubling to me to read what she just did.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 405 | Registered: Nov 2012
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holds out candy with one hand, smacks me with the other when I try to pick it up

Heart: I can totally relate to this. In addition, I will get the guilt laden words "See I gave you candy and you never appreciate anything!!"

Ats: Listen to Dip and NJgal. This does sound like BPD behavior. Even if your WW was upset by your behavior (which sounds like you were just having a good time )leaving you stranded is extremely childish and wrong. You don't do that to people, never mind your spouse!!
Does she often seem jealous and out of sorts when you guys go out with others? See if there is a pattern here.

Only you can decide if this is something you can continue to live with. I finally came to the conclusion that the crumbs that NPD offered to me, even though I was starving are not worth it and are toxic. The crumbs were like some operant conditioning experiment where I was in a cage staying for the few crumbs and getting emotionally beaten. Being told "I love only you"

I'm so sorry Ats.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She text bombed my phone early this morning asking to be allowed to come back and pack things up and check us out while I was at conference. I gave her a hesitant ok, went back to room to verify she showed, and hung onto my alternate ride until she was here.

I was having a great weekend at this conference. She now tells me she felt ignored in her room all day while I was at conference. I had told her before hand this one would be different and I would need to spend time with department people. Despite this she wanted to come and accused me of wanting to hide her when I suggested she might want to stay home.

I could tell she was upset about something. When we would talk plans for the night she would say "whatever, I am ok with whatever you want". This almost always means she is angry or upset, but she will not admit it.

She says she drove home to feel safe.

I am not looking forward to the drive home with her today. I am tired and burned out. I am embarrassed to have this aired publicly with coworkers, but I panicked last night.

As much as I want to D, she is still unemployed. I know there is no fix, this is who she is. She says she is sorry, how many times have I heard that?

I was angry last night and told her to see if one of her OM still wanted her or to find someone else to take care of her. I do not feel the energy, or responsibility, to fix this.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS - stay strong on your trip back home. One of the things you made me realize is that in my M I need to be more assertive, I need to stand up for myself. Our WW's walked all over us with their LTA's.

Leaving you stranded in any place is completely unacceptable - pre-A or post-A this behavior is not something you would accept even if it were a friend let alone by your wife. It is not fair she treats you this way and then letting it lead to embarrassment on a professional employment level is even worse.

Last night my WW tried to talk herself out of a small argument we had last night by trying to minimize something she said that was negative about me in front of others. I stood up for myself and didn't let her get away with it. Calmly I told her I disagreed, what she said was not right and why I didn't appreciate it. I think the old me would have just thought this is no big deal and let her get away with her minimizing her behavior so I can tell it is quite an adjustment for her for me to behave otherwise. It really is something trivial but the larger issue behind it isn't.

ATS, I learned from your posts that this is what I need to do, you need to do the same. Don't get walked over again by her bad behavior. She stranded you and that type of behavior is not to be minimized.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 405 | Registered: Nov 2012
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS -- she gets crazier in the summer. Ever notice that?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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