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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to "see" you Fnf.

Miracle, you're a better Mom than I am. There's no magic formula that guarantees a child won't have a rough ride. You did your best, and genuinely care. That's the most anyone could ask for.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to "see" you Fnf.

Miracle, you're a better Mom than I am. There's no magic formula that guarantees a child won't have a rough ride. You did your best, and genuinely care. That's the most anyone could ask for.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs...It sounds like you are handling this well and are already adjusting to being alone. It is hard sometimes, but it does get better with time and detachment.

UK..I agree at this time it is no time to make any long term decision. Take the time to grieve for your Mum right now. Put the other on hold and just concentrate on YOU.

Well on my update... I got my pathology reports back. Unfortunately they are not good. I have Stage 4 cirrohis from a progressive gentic liver disease called Steatohepatitis. They do not know what causes it and there is no treatment. Eventually I will need a liver transplant and my doctors are setting me up with one of the top Hepatologist in Dallas. My brother and a couple of my friends have offered to share their livers if they are a match, but I don't really know the whole process and what all is involved with live organ donors except what I have been able to get off the internet. None of my present doctors know if my autoimmune blood disorder caused the liver disease, is a result of the liver disease, or has nothing to do with it at all and is a seperate problem. It is just too over whelming right now and I am still somewhat in shock from this final diagnosis.

Of course WH#2 is in denial and just says..You will be just fine, don't worry about it. I finally made him go to the doctor with me this time for the path report so he might actually realize how serious of a problem I am facing and how sick I really am. I have cried more this week than I have since I found out about his LTA. I know this week I have really triggered alot and I have had terrible thoughts/fellings about WH#2.
I snapped at him the other night when he had tears running down his face for some stupid guy singing the national anthum on some sports show. I said it is funny to me that you can cry over something like that, but I haven't seen you shed one tear over me possibly dying. He just said he has, but not around me. I don't believe he has because he is in such denial about my whole prognosis if I can't be matched with a liver in time. I guess if I could see him have the emotions he talks about it would be different and it might make me feel a little safer that I have to stay in this marriage with him and depend on him for support. My wonderful friends have cried and hugged me and been there for me when I needed them this week. It breaks my heart all over again that when I need him the most he is not there for me. He hugs me and tells me he loves me, but I just don't feel like he really does anymore. Anyway, enough about all that.... I am not giving up and intend to fight as hard as I can. Thanks in advance for your friendships and your prayers. (((TRIBE)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Trust}}}}}

I'm so very sorry about the test results. You are in my thoughts and prayers. WH's behavior is not making this any easier especially at this time when you need the support.

Right now, you need to concentrate on YOU. Forget about him and how he is acting. I know it's not easy to do that when you just want him to support you, encourage you and just plain love you.

Just know that you have people IRL that want to give you their livers, a wonderful gift. Know that here at the LTA tribe we are pulling for you and praying for you. Keep coming here for support and vent as much as you want and ask advice.

Make decisions for YOU and what is best for you in the long run.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FnF: So good to see you. I hope you are doing well.

NPD is coming on Sunday to the US with OW and OC's. He'll be coming to my house to pick up the car he bought to parade them around with. He is NOT staying with me and OW is not going to be anywhere near me. He wants the OC's to come to my house to visit with our DS's and DS 14 wants nothing to do with it. He tells me he will not be home when they come over. And of course, NPD had announced to me that if all the kids don't get along, it will be MY fault. That I influenced our DS's not to like the OC's.

I have done nothing of the sort, just the opposite. I have kept telling the DS's ever since this whole thing started that the OC's are innocent victims of this as they are. That they are their sisters and brother. DS 18 had met them 2 years ago, but DS 14 has not.
I really don't want the OC's in my house because it will be too emotional for me. One more thing that is taken away, the sanctity of my home. OW and OC's took my house over there with all my things, family over there, my H and my life. They don't need to take any more.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust, I know I don't post here much, but I have been following your story, and I am so sorry to hear of this latest development re your health. And I want to bonk your WH on the head to make him BEHAVE and SUPPORT you. I get so angry reading your story, and Honest's story, too. Strength and love to both of you.

Oh, and FNF -- your comments re death are so relevant to me right now. My father died at the beginning of the month and I have been pretty depressed and have had a few seriously depressive/triggery episodes. Last night I totally lost it when WH went to sit separately from me at an end of the year thing at school -- he thought I was following... it was a stupid mix-up and I can't realistically be mad about it, but I was anyway. A bizarre thing to trigger over. I'm just overwhelmed -- it's all too much to handle sometimes.

[This message edited by Blobette at 12:36 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Typing on my phone. So may be somewhat discombobulated

(((((Trust)))))

Ur wh is in denial. Well u could take that 2 ways. It's either too much for him to absorb or be just doesn't want to deal with it. Or maybe a combo of both. Either way it's not what YOU need

So u can't change him. So screw him and continue to use friends and family for that support u desperately need

How awesome of your bro and friends offering a piece of their liver

Bbl


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((trust))))

my heart breaks for you....as i said in my earlier post....he is incapable right now for whatever reasons to be there the way YOU need him...so.....have you actually told him what you need from him, or want from him.....

yours is a horrible situation on so many fronts.....soi say tell him what you need, what you want and then i say you find whatever ways you can to attain those needs without him should he not come aboard

right now needs to be ALL ABOUT YOU!!!! 100% about you......and if he cannot step up the way you need him to then run him over on your way to get your needs in other ways

sending you much hugs, mojo and healing thoughts ((((((trust))))))

thank you all for all the hugs and words, it is much appreciated...

i have another interview set up for next fri...so keep that mojo flowin....

fnf IT IS GOOD to "see" you!!!


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust- like everyone else has said. This is the time to focus on yourself and your health.Your WH may be worried and does not know how to help or he could be a detached selfish ass. Either way-you should not waste any time or energy trying to figure him out right now.
Surround yourself with people that love and care about you!

Honest- My heart goes out to you.Do not allow the NPD to make you feel guilty for anything! Your DS has a right to his feelings.
And if he does not want to meet the OC so be it.
I also think that if the meeting must take place then do it in a neutral location-a restaurant etc. not in your home!
I don't know how I would handle something like this. I don't think that I could.
I wish there was some way that we could help you.
Know that we're here for you if you need to vent.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry double post.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:04 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust, I will say a prayer that one of the folks who has offered to donate to you is a match.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Trust)))I wish you the best and will pray for good news for you and your recovery.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your suppport and prayers. They mean a lot to me right now. I am focusing on me right now and trying to basically ignore WH as much as possible. Yes, I have spoken to him about needing his support right now and have informed him that this is part of the transplant criteria that you have a good support system in place. I think it is more he doesn't know how to support me right now and part of it is that I don't really want/allow him to get too close. I have become somewhat detached to protect myself because he won't seek help for his alcoholism or the brokeness in him that lead to his A in the first place. He rug sweeps and protends it never happened. He is sweet to me most of the time and for the most part we get along, so I will just leave him with his own demons to fight and concentrate on myself just like I was before my diagnosis. As soon as I can get into see this hepatologist I will be checking into a support group that I can join. I am sure the transplant place has one and I think that will help me to deal with this diagnosis better.

Yes. It was very sweet of my brother and friends to voluteer part of their livers if they are a match. I was somewhat shocked when my brother did however. We have only gotten closer the last few years. Before that we never got along before. He was always so self centered before, so I was shocked when he offered and it made me cry. He lives 1100 miles away and we haven't seen each other in years. We just talk on the phone a few times a month. At first I told him no, I couldn't let him do that or be put through that. Then he said something that really touched me. He said I was all he had and he couldn't lose me or he would have no one that loved him. That's when I lost it and started to cry. The sad thing is I knew it was the truth. He is 51, never married, no children, both parents are deceased, gay, and he is only close to one cousin of ours, and not any close friends he ever talks about. He has always been a little weird to everyone, even growing up. He was very reclusive and only had a few friends. He has had a couple of boyfriends over the years, but can't seem to get along with anyone for very long. We do not/have not discussed that he is gay. I know, he knows I know, but it is just something we have never talked about. I don't care, it doesn't bother me at all, and I concider a person's sex life their own business, so I just don't bring it up. Anyway, it did make me feel loved by my brother for the first time in my life, so that was special to me. Anyway enough of that...Crying hanky getting too wet....

Honest... Why does he have to come to your home? I seem to remember a post where you couldn't stop him from coming into the house, is that correct??? I would not make my DS meet anyone he chooses not to meet. I am sure he feels like these OC have replaced him with his Dad, especially since his stupid Dad wants to parade them around to everyone. Fuck that guy!!! I wouldn't care if he was pissed or not or if he wanted to blame me. You know you didn't turn your child against the OC and so does your DS and that's all that matters. Who cares what your WH thinks? Undoubtably his thinking skills need a lot of work and that's how I would look at it and what I would tell his stupid ass. He is the one that is not/ has not respected his family, so fuck him, the OC, and the OW.
Sorry, having a "fuck everything kind of day" It's just an impossible situation to think that anything good will come out of it, other than your WH trying to justify his "other family" to your poor son. Sending you (((Hugs)))

Blobette... I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. It is so hard to lose a parent and my heart goes out to you. The first year is especially hard when certain days come around and they are not there. You will always miss them, but it does like everything else get better with time, but it takes awhile. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve and to heal at your own pace. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Blobette)))))

oh my gosh we must have been cross posting yesterday and i never saw your post.....i am so sorry for your loss ....

of course you are triggery, you are grieving the loss of your dad...give yourself some time to deal with that...when my dad died it took months for me to feel "normal" and i was not close to him....time, give yourself time


(((trust)))wow i am so happy for you and your brother...what matters is that you are connected now....the "unconnection" in the past is in the past and might have been because he was dealing with his sexuality alone....if you werent talkin and he wasn't talkin....and no one was talkin....at the age he is it was still a big thing to be and to deal with....not like it is now....and even now its not as it should be but its gettin better.

there is an old saying

"keep on truckin".....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.. oh my~ I am so sorry for both you and you DS. It is sad that voluteering his timee and life were not enough. He was judged to be unacceptable because he did not raise enough money. That really stinks. I am so sorry for the coonflicts you are enduring.

Trust.. you are so tegether facing these issues. I could not imagine dealing with those health issues on top of the infidelity issues. I would just fold. I admire your strngth.

"It;s so strange..." Ted Nugent
stbxww and I went to see Robert Plant in concert last wek and I really enjoyed the show. The Ted Nugent quote was most appropriate. Three weeks ago everything was a rush. The divorce, the settlment, new hoes. So I did the work. I drew up the assets nd a fifty fifty split. I drew up the kids expenses and showed what I would be paying and even included some "chid support" in addition. I was ready t refinance our home to accomplish the split and was told to wait until she checked wit her lawyer.

Nothing. Absolutely noting has happend since. we have done things togther and I have enjoyed the outings. Our kids have "disappeared" with their summer activities so the home is somewhat empty.

Looking forward to a long holiday weekend next weekend. Grilling, chilling and martinis!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dropping in to wish my LTA friends a good week as it is a long weekend here and I think in the US next wkend..

I read the forum regularly but nothing constructive to contribute from my life experiences... it's stressful here but due to other issues that overshadow the LTA I pretty much trigger in silence & my H seens blissfully unaware. He made a comment last week while we were at a work-related (his) conference that the past decade has been 'the pits' (I bit my tongue) but his LTA was not the focus of the comment IMHO. For him, it seems to be tucked any in a locked compartment, forever to be ignored. It was our 40th anniversary at the beginning of June... outward appearances are of life being


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well... I just lost a long posting to the tribe so perhaps it was not meant to be shared outside my thoughts.

So instead I will send supportive hugs to everyone {{{LTA}}}... members past & present, seen & unseen.

I can't begin to address all that I've read since Part 32 became our new designation. Just know that all are in my thoughts and prayers despite my lack of posting here.

Enjoy the weekend as best you can under whatever circumstances you are in...

Lostsuol... thankful that we are family even if we didn't choose the members any more than we can IRL!


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see that my keyboard did a premature post yet I couldn't find the page anywhere in my browser! leaving my thoughts blowing in cyberspace.

Like Blobette wrote:

I'm just overwhelmed -- it's all too much to handle sometimes.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost soul-
sorry to hear that you are having a tough time.
I wonder though...about your FWH's comments about the last 10 years being 'the pits'... I bet if you delved deeper he would have included the LTA years in that description.
Even though my FWH was grasping for fun and excitement and escape from his day to day reality via his LTA
he was not the picture of happiness.
He was grouchy and unhappy and dissatisfied with himself ,his job, his lot in life....
Now, looking back he does not recognize the man he was.
I wonder if your FWH feels the same way?

[This message edited by njgal480 at 12:00 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
I'm guessing NPD, OW, and OC are in town.
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and sending positive energy and strength your way.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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