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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c- Ouch! Those stories of discovery are so painful, aren't they?
So sorry for all that find themselves here.
But..whether we choose to R or D. We will survive this.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I'm going to have to proofread my posts! Lol, I know I can legally tell him my boundaries, I guess I meant to say that I can't legally enforce them.

The dogs I have owned over the years did not understand English at all, but they knew very well where most of my boundaries were based on my responses to their actions.

Good example, but at least the dogs love you and care about you
I guess I don't know how to enforce the boundaries or what the consequences would be. The D consequence is not enough, I feel.

H&C: I understand how hurt you felt when you were telling your WW how you were going to try to be better and she springs that on you. Ironically, that's what NPD did. I was holding him and telling him how sorry I was for being so suspicious all those years and how much I love him etc. and he takes my hand leads me outside on the deck and tells me about the OW and 3OC's.
What you wrote makes me angry for you about your WW!

Dovetool: NJgal has given you great advice. It takes a long time whether or not you R. With my xWH#1, it took me 4 years to really start to get over it and he just left.

They do say on SI, it takes 4-5 years to "heal" whether or not you R.

Hang in there and welcome to the tribe.

NJgal: You are such a wonderful supportive person. I hope your FWH appreciates you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NJGAL! Sometimes I feel as though Im not heard.

I just feel as though this pain will never end. I know I chose R myself but I didn't imagine that it would actually get harder. It feels comforting to know that it takes years. Sometimes I feel like if I was supposed to get through this with him, then I would already be over it.

I always felt that I would leave him if I ever found out that he had an affair. I imagined myself stronger than this. Its so sad that Im not. Here I am living a life with him that I never thought I would. I realized here on SI that Im not the only one. I always thought that some one that had an affair would be easily caught. I see now that that is not true. Most people in a good marriage dont see it coming. I thought I would. I thought the signs would be there.

How STUPID am I? how could I not see it for three years? I hate my own self sometimes. How stupid and naive was I. If I had followed him once. Check in on him once. Listened to his phone conversations once.

No I feel like doing the same to him. I do things I would never have done before. I lie to him. Small lies... but lies the same. Because I dont care? I dont know. This time is getting more confusing for me. I have a newborn to care for and I feel like Im floundering. I feel llike Im drowning. I look at myself in the mirror and I dont even recognize myself sometimes.


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:

Where has NPD been staying while OW & OC are here? Cant he keep staying there until the conclusion of his trip?

At the very least, you should let him know that you are done. Said simply, without explanation. That he can visit with the kids for the remainder of his trip and make a schedule for that. I doubt barring him from the home is going to fly - tell him you would prefer to take the kids somewhere to visit, then return to wherever it is that he has been staying. If he insists on coming back to your house, dont make it easy for him. Is there somewhere you could stay while he visits? Otherwise, absent yourself as often as possible. You dont have to pretend to be a happy family for him.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dove-
This whole process is very difficult for all of the BS.

I felt the same way as you.

I was sure that I would kick him to the curb and never look back and meanwhile here I am reconciled.

It's one of those things that you do not know how you will react until you have experienced it yourself.

I also was surprised when my FWH begged and pleaded for me to take him back.
He did this immediately after d-day.
I always assumed that anyone that had an affair wanted to leave the marriage and anyone that had a long term affair definitely must want to divorce their spouse.
I found out that was not true.
And don't beat yourself up about not knowing about the affair.
Most of us here had no clue.
My FWh did not exhibit any of the clues that you see on TV. There was no mid life crisis with red sports cars or him working out at the gym.
If anything he was angrier and more depressed during the LTA.

For now..try to focus on your health and your baby's health.
Do your best to take care of you.
Have you gone to IC?

Is your WH remorseful? What is he doing to show that he wants to stay married and regrets the affair. Is he transparent? Do you now have access to his passwords, cell phone etc.?

[This message edited by njgal480 at 10:04 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Dovetool. Just wanted to say welcome to this corner of SI. There are some great people in here so keep posting. My story didn't end in R but my STBXWW had a 3 yr LTA with a coworker. It took me almost 2 years after DDay to finally file but my WW was not truly remorseful. I can say that I "think" I eventually would have been able to get past it if we had R'd because I was able to let it go in order to file for D. It took almost a year for the reality of my situation to actually sink in and then another 6 to 9 months of working on myself to get to point where I was truly able to tell her, here are my boundaries and what I need to stay married. If she had been able to do the work I "think" I would have been able to eventually be okay. It took me 2 years to finally be able to let it all go and move forward.

One thing that helped me cope with the betrayal was actually focusing on me. I started spending time doing things I wanted to do and developing and discovering my own life again. I think spending some time on yourself would help with what you typed below.

No I feel like doing the same to him. I do things I would never have done before. I lie to him. Small lies... but lies the same. Because I dont care? I dont know. This time is getting more confusing for me. I have a newborn to care for and I feel like Im floundering. I feel like Im drowning. I look at myself in the mirror and I dont even recognize myself sometimes.
Don't go out and have a revenge A. That will only make YOU feel worse. If your WH is truly remorseful and trying to fix himself then take some time to figure out what you want. I know you have a newborn but have your WH keep the kids for a few hours and you go out for a spa day or meet with some friends. Anything that involves some relaxing you time. It takes several times for it to feel like it's helping but it does.

Also don't feel stupid. You did what all BS's do, you trusted that your WS was being faithful. They took advantage of our trust and abused it. You aren't stupid at all just a trusting person. I can look back and see so many red flags that I completely missed but I trusted my WW and didn't believe she was doing anything wrong so I believed the gaslighting and lies.

I also said I would leave if she cheated but didn't either. Took me 2 years to do that and I did it then because I finally saw that she wasn't remorseful and wasn't going to change so I had no choice. If my STBXWW had been doing the work my story may have ended differently. So if your WH is remorseful transparent, gone NC, and doing the work on himself then you can take as much time as you need to feel okay with whatever choice you make. IT may ultimately be a dealbreaker or it may not. There are people on SI and in this forum that have R'd from LTA' so it is doable. Start by taking care of yourself and your children and then start spending time on you. I don't know if this helps any but I wanted you to know you had been heard and I wish you the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1583 | Registered: May 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"How can I stop being a mani[ulator of public emotions and become the kind of person wh generates headlines that parents are relieved - grateful to explain o their children?"

"You can do what John Profumo did . You can go away. You can do something good. You can help women instead of degrading them, help your culture and your city instead of degrading them."

"You can become a man"

- Peggy Noonan, Wasll Street Journal Saturday July 13, 2013
writing about John Profumo a British Secretary of War who resigned in 1963 due to a sex scandal and his life afterwards serving the poor.

I really should have posted this in the wayward forum instead. It resonated deeply and reflects my view of what a truly remoresful WS looks like.

= it is no longer about the WS. You took advantage of and betrayed your spouse, the person you professed your love, and now it is time to make amends for your actions.

Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! Live with ease!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NJgal and 7yrs.

I havent done any IC. We were in MC but I feel like it didnt really help much. All we did was talk and that is something that we are doing anyways at home.

My WH is remorseful but he is also a great manipulator so its hard to know if its real and if he really means that he would not do it again. He always portrayed himself as a devoted husband and father. He told his friends and family that you have to treat your wife/girlfriend with respect and how cheating will destroy your family. And he was doing it himself.

He is an open book but he always was. I had and still have access to password and access to cell phones, emails ect.He would see the OW at our kids school and they would plan it out there initially. After that he would call her on his work cell and just erase the call after. He tells me to put spyware on his cell phone and computer but I dont think I could live if I HAD to do all that. He works from home and he doesnt really go anywhere alone anymore. He comforts me everytime I get angry or sad or upset. He does get frustrated at times and apologizes when he does. He says he just frustrated because he cant go back in time and just take it all back.

Even before the LTA he had flirted with other women... apparently even a couple friends of mine. He use to travel and would do that then too. He says he never cheated before her but he said he was looking to cheat because he was unhappy in our marriage.I was in school and working full time with two small kids and we were stressed at times. It's easy to love someone during easy times but it really counts during your toughest moments... and thats when he abandoned me, us and our kids.

He had left me to be with her and then bad mouthed me to all his friends and my family. My family believed him, that it was my fault because I was too difficult. I didnt know about his affair and I believed that I must be so horrible for him to just leave like that. I eventually found out by putting a spyware on his phone but didnt know who the women was or how long it lasted. He was really mean to me after I found out. His friends had no clue and when I told them about it they really forced him to come home. There was no peace then. He was cruel to me and the kids (kids who he would never hurt in the past).

Finally I kicked him out because he would tell me he didnt love me everyday and say he wanted out. I was going through treatment for stage one cancer at this time and had to do it alone. This was January 2012... and I went NC completely. By Febuary 2012 he was calling and texting to get back together. He kept her around then until I let him move back in. He lied to me about who it was, that it was NOT PA, and how long it lasted. I found the truth myself in September 2012. I should have ended it then...


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dove- The OW was married also but they divorced. And the plan was for your WH to divorce you and then they would run away together?
So , why didn't that happen? She's single now. Why didn't your WH follow through and divorce you? what does he say to that?
And are you sure that the affair is over? Has he contacted the OW with a phone call or email etc. telling her that he is done?
IC was very helpful for me.
It may be worth a try for you too.
The IC is there for you alone where a MC needs to try to balance between the couple.
Therapy could help you figure out what is best for you and help you be strong enough to demand that from your WH.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal

Yes the OW was married too and their plan was to get divorced and be together. He got an apartment shortly after I kicked him out. They would have come out as a couple a year or more after their respective divorces would have been taken care of so no one would suspect anything and so it wouldnt hinder the divorce proceedings.She is single now and lives in the same town. We've crossed paths several times because our kids were best friends. Everytime we do he has held me in his arms, held my hands and kissed me. I know the affair is over because I doubt he'd do that in front of her if they were still seeing each other. Also because he wont go anywhere without me or at least without the kids. He said he fully broke it off with her before he moved back home. He sent her a text message from a secret cell phone he had saying only "I can't do this. I'm going home." He recently sent her an email just to tell her that he told me everything because he did not want to have any secrets from me and to not talk to him even if I'm not there because he's not interested and that he loves me.

He says the reason he did not follow through with the divorce was because he started to miss me. He tried to text me on Valentines Day to get some of his stuff. I told him to tell me what he needed and Ill put it in a bag in my car and he can get it from there tommorrow. He got pissed off and sent me a nasty message stating that he was getting it today. He told me later that he thought maybe I started dating and he wanted to see if Id be home on V-day. I had started dating and I was not home. I wrote a nice email back to him and he started changing his tune.

I had been NC till that day and so had the kids. They had heard him say a lot of nasty things to me and they just shut down on him eventually and even told me to divorce him. Thats what gave me the strength to kick him to the curb.

After that he asked to see my son on his birthday and I told him we had plans in the evening so we could meet for lunch. At lunch my son was cruel to him and was just angry. He text me later that day asking if we were really going through with the divorce. I said yes.

His brother started calling me telling me that he was drinking heavily and that he was finally regretting the whole situation. His brother had told him on several occasions that he would regret it. He is the one that actually pushed me to get out a date to keep myself distracted. Anyways he told me to call him and just meet up with him to see how he was doing.

We met up for dinner and he started to tell me that he missed me and our life. That he had destroyed everything that mattered to him in life. We started seeing each other at that point and hit a little snag a couple weeks later. He said he couldnt get back with me knowing I had dated. He was just randomly angry with me. It pushed me away and I went NC.

Knowing what I know now I think it was because he may have seen her, and knowing she got divorced for him and that he had gotten an apartment to divorce me and be with her... I think it just made him second guess getting back together. At that time he was still talking to her too. He said they were not physical anymore and he had told her that he needs some space to figure things out.

Anyways after going NC for another 2 weeks we saw each other at a mutual friends house for game night. And we started talking and joking again. Then he would invite me to dinner or lunch at his house. We went away for my birthday on a romantic getaway. He moved in shortly after that. He said he ended it with her after our trip and before moving home.

Im angry that he still communicated with her while we were getting back together. He asked me to stop dating but he was still talking to her. Im mad that he didnt tell me the truth before getting back together so I could have made the decision based on all the facts.

So many lies... I want it to work but I just cant see how or even why.


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dove, thanks for sharing your story, and welcome to this community.

We are so sorry to hear about your situation ...it is all so difficult.

I am in R, 16 months post d-day. It is still a daily struggle, and the A as an issue fluctuates in its importance.

My WW is very remorseful. But the struggle is now with the M and issues pre-A, and the connection we have to her dysfunctional family which is here close by. Her family has never supported our M, and has carried the banner that my wife being unhappy was due to my inadequacy as a H, as opposed to major FOO issues... like depression and severe anxiety.

So I am coming to the conclusion that this whole mess is now really about me...what I want, who I am, being happy inside and not dependent on the WW or M tot that. H&C got there like so many taking his own path. While on one level these infidelity stories seem so similar, the aftermath is very heterogeneous and has no predictors.

Like u dove and so many others, I struggle with the idea of revenge affairs in some way of healing my being emasculated. As a man, you can often grow up in a culture that your worth as a buck is the ability to attract does. I still address this issue by consciously choosing who I want to be.

H&C, glad to hear from you.

Honest, trust, heart, wish I had some help I could offer.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They would have come out as a couple a year or more after their respective divorces would have been taken care of so no one would suspect anything

FYI -- anyone who has ever been involved in infidelity, has been betrayed or even who has had a close friend who has had an affair or been betrayed can see right through this.

"oh, yeah, we got together later..."

Uh-huh. Maybe his "I'm a jackass" radar temporarily went off.

I'm very sorry you're here, but glad you've found us. Please don't think you should have known. You're supposed to be able to trust your husband. Big hugs.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Hell..Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse....WH#2 found out Thursday he will be losing his job before long. He has been on the same job, doing the exact same thing for almost 30yrs. Along with losing the job that means we will no longer have insurance. I can not afford Cobra. I am not sure what I will do if I see this hepatlogist on the 23rd and she says I need a transplant.

Needless to say WH#2 is very upset. He had to report to the plant they are closing down before long today from the plant that is not closing. They have done this to everyone they are getting rid of. His old boss from the plant they are closing is taking his job since he has been there two yrs longer than WH#2. Why they would put all the employees together when they all know they are getting laid off is beyond me. How much work do they think they will get out of these people now? The union is unable to do anything to help them. It is a very sad situation for a lot of people as this is a huge business that was bought out by another company a few years ago and they are doing everything to get rid of the union. They are not giving them any information and WH#2 is not the type to confront and ask for any info. He just does what he is told, like a good worker bee, afraid to shake the hive.

He is very depressed, crying, doesn't know what he will do now, afraid to have to interview for a job at his age, will never make the money he was making, doesn't know how this will affect his pension, we will have to sell everything, etc... He spent most of the weekend drunk and awake all night and then in bed asleep during the day. To say he is not going to handle this well is an understatement.

I am trying to be as empathetic as I can be, however I just think the Karma bus is catching up to him. Unfortunately it will affect me too because of the insurance. In a way I feel really sorry for him and in another way I don't. He never took any iniative to better himself after his Dad got him the job 30yrs ago. He never took a supervisory role or any classes other than what was required. He went to work and did his same job everyday. Even when the equipment started being computerized, he never tried to learn how it truely functioned and was able to fake fixing it for the most part. He never tried to get a different job other than what he was hired to do and other than his old boss they are sub-contracting out all the other jobs in that department. He has been worried about this happening for years and now it is hitting him in the face and he doesn't know what he will do. I have watched him waste money for years and throw it around like he was rich. I don't even want to think how much he spent on OW for those 3yrs to keep her quiet. Now it is hitting him that he should have saved alot of money that he wasted on exotic game hunts, deer leases, expensive resterants with unlimited drinks, expensive toys, the OW, etc.... I just can't help but feel he is getting what he deserves. Is it wrong to feel this way????? I feel guilty even writing it!!!

Last night when we went to bed he said he was sorry. I asked him what he was sorry for. He said because he didn't want to disappoint me. Really???? What did he think his lying and LTA did??? Losing his job, although not good, is not what has disappointed me. I don't and never have cared about his money. We always kept our finances seperate so if he wanted to blow his, that was always his problem and still is.

I wanted to tell him that losing his job was not what has disappointed me about him. That I was more disappointed by his choice to have an A when our marriage was for the most part good. That I was disappointed that he chose to lower himself to sleep with someone that he didn't love and ruin our marriage. That I was disappointed in his lack of integrity and honesty to me. That I was disappointed that he choses to rug sweep rather than seek the help he needs to fix his alcoholism and his brokeness that lead to the A and would eventually lead to another one if he didn't. I wanted to tell him that I didn't think less of him for losing his job and his big paycheck. They are really immaterial things that can be partily replaced, but the love can't be replaced so easily, but I didn't say any of it. He wouldn't hear it anyway. He only wants sympathy for his job and money because that is really all that affects HIM. The only reason he doesn't want to disappoint me now is because I am all he has left when all is said and done. The really sad thing is that he doesn't really even have me anymore because I can't even say what really disappoints me in my heart.



BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi dovetool,

I get why you would be angry that your WH asked you not to date while he kept seeing his AP. Like he did not want you, but did not want anyone else to have you either.

Anyways after going NC for another 2 weeks we saw each other at a mutual friends house for game night. And we started talking and joking again. Then he would invite me to dinner or lunch at his house. We went away for my birthday on a romantic getaway. He moved in shortly after that. He said he ended it with her after our trip and before moving home.

These are all nice dating / courting activities and actions, but what has he done about his wayward issues? Why does he flirt? Why did he abandon his wife with Cx to pursue OW? Why does he think it is OK to just sweep the past under the rug and pick-up where the two of you left off? What will happen the next time he wants to flirt, needs affirmation from another OW, wants to escape reality, or whatever his reason for A was occurs again? How is it that you are to feel safe in this "new" relationship after the way he treated you in the old relationship? What is different? What has HE changed?

Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and / or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed them with you? Has he done and IC? Has he dumped friends that supported him and OWs A relationship?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust-
I am so sorry. When it rains it pours. I would think that the first thing you should do is have your WH figure out a way for you to afford Cobra for the next 18 months.If it means selling his car or his getting another job or borrowing money from his family. He needs to do whatever it takes to make sure that you have insurance coverage.
You will not be able to get coverage on your own because the insurance companies will say that you have a pre existing condition.

You have to get the transplant and you should move as quick as possible while you still have the Cobra coverage.

Everything that you say about your disappointment in your husband is true and definitely justified but....for now you need to focus solely on your health and getting the help you need so that you can get better.

Maybe much later on in the process you can sit your husband down or write him a letter telling exactly how you feel.
For now, you need his help to get well.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks njgal480. I wished it were that simple. He will do none of the things that you suggested for us to get the Cobra insurance. He looks at my illness as my problem, not his. He has high BP and cholestrol, but other than that he has never been sick since I have known him, so insurance coverage is not high on his priority list. I played hell getting him to add me to his insurance after DDay#1 when I got really sick and was hospitalized in ICU. Of course he was in LaLaLand at the time with OW and was not really thinking about me at all except to keep up appearances that he gave a shit that I was so ill. He would come to the hospital and make me feel bad for being ill and him having to deal with trying to get me on his insurance. I was usually in tears by the time he left, feeling guilty for being sick and causing all the problems in our marriage. Of course this was all during false R and before SI. Now I would tell him to kiss my ass and get the hell out of my room if he ever tried that shit again.

I have been trying my best to concentrate on myself and not on him, but when stuff like this happens it just brings everything else back up. Also with him as depressed and upset as he is it just sets him up to seek solace elsewhere as I am sure I am not being empathetic enough for his liking. It is like watching him slowly going downhill until he reaches rock bottom and there is nothing left to save if you know what I mean.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust-
Geez... the selfishness and total lack of empathy is astounding. Are you sure that you are not dealing with a NPD like Honest is?
What will you do? Can you speak to some kind of patient's advocacy group in your state? or ask at the hospital?
I wouldn't say anything to the hospital and doctors that have you on the donor list...you would not want them to bump you off the list because you do not have insurance.
I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. At a time like this you need a kind, supportive spouse and unfortunately you do not have anything close to that.
I will keep you in my prayers.
I hope that you find a solution for how to deal with this and I hope that you can get the transplant ASAP.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, trust, your situation is so very concerning. I am so saddened to hear how it is all such a terrible mix right now...is there a way for you to join a group of some sort and get group coverage? you need insurance so desperately!!!


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dove, I can imagine how you feel, with WH hedging his bets. We want honesty sure, but also the feeling that our spouses truly want us, not that we are just the best option among available choices...

But when I read your statement again:

I'm mad that he didn't tell me the truth before getting back together so I could have made the decision based on all the facts...

In some ways he actually gave you more information. He could have ended it with OW first but out of convenience before reconnecting with you. You might have misinterpreted that move. But what he actually did do is revelatory: it shows that he is perhaps afraid of being alone and has some other unhealthy aspects to his persona that need to be addressed. Being forewarned is being forearmed. He has been truthful now, right?


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrustGone,

Now that he is losing his paycheck and insurance coverage, what does he have to offer? What does he bring to your relationship with him?

Talk with an attorney, but now more than ever I think you need to D to protect yourself. COBRA and payments can be addressed in D papers. You can buy COBRA without his participation. Assuming he is let go in August, his coverage will end probably September. The new Patient Protection and the Affordable Care Act program for healthcare exchange coverage should be available in January (sign-up in October/November) I believe.

The hospital or social services should be able to point you to information on COBRA coverage, and what the options will be for you in the Patient Protection and the Affordable Care Act programs.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:28 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

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