I always want to fix everything. I need to let him fix his own brokenness.
It took 1.5 years of failed fixing for me to hit my breaking point and finally let go of the outcome and focus on me. It was the best decision I ever made. I wish you the best.
I am about 1.5 years from dday as well. 7yrs has a lot of gained wisdom from letting go of "making the horse drink.' He seems to really have great advice...
I am in "R" so to speak - my wife has been remorseful and wants the M - but she is not really capable of fixing herself in any dramatic way. Her family taught her to avoid, avoid, avoid and to sweep anything uncomfortable under the rug. I see it with parents and 3 sisters. So she is at a snail's pace. She now is able to admit that she has a major anxiety problem in addition to depression. She has connected those issues to the A, but no yet to the pre-A marriage which includes a lot of suffering by me. Which for the last 1.5 years I glossed over in blaming myself for pre-A issues. See, I did not realize that some of my unhelpful behaviors (which she called me out on) were really my trying to deal with her anxiety, perfectionism, and false expectations.
Hugs to you, petite, it is quite a journey isn't it?
related to your house refinance,you should remember that there is a difference between who is on the mortgage and who is on the deed.
I would consult a lawyer. Yes if your H can take the debt in his name only, but you still have title to the property, that you have a share of the asset but not a share of the liability. But you do need to see a lawyer, or maybe call someone at a title company to make initial inquiries...
Now that I think about it, I am not doing that well. My main challenge right now is how do I communicate my long term marriage pains without the adrenaline rush I get that makes me sound like I am angry...? When I think through some stuff in my head, I can feel an intensity sweep over me, taking my calmness away.
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Butt slaps to all here tribe
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:41 AM, July 19th (Friday)]
My main challenge right now is how do I communicate my long term marriage pains without the adrenaline rush I get that makes me sound like I am angry...? When I think through some stuff in my head, I can feel an intensity sweep over me, taking my calmness away.
Your calmness will come back, likely very quickly after the discussion. If you avoid the discussions because you don't want to "rock the boat" then your calmness will eventually go away anyway because you are holding in something that needs to be said. If it's strictly you trying to figure out how to present it, I just went with the straight forward ask my STBXWW to sit down, preface the discussion, and just let it out.
You could always write it out and give her a letter or read it to her if that helps.
Others may have better advice. I couldn't help but plow straight forward after I "woke" up and realized that I had to look out for myself and my own feelings. The tiptoeing Bull in a china shop method isn't always the best course of action though but the writing on the wall was in bright neon and in very large font in my case.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 11:13 AM, July 19th (Friday)]
My main challenge right now is how do I communicate my long term marriage pains without the adrenaline rush I get that makes me sound like I am angry.
Jack: You can't turn off your feelings, but I think you are saying that you want to communicate how you feel without blowing up? I would suggest journal it out a few times to get off the extra steam and that should help you calm down a bit when you want to communicate how you feel. The thing is, we are more than entitled to our full intensity of our feelings, and the other person should know, but it is human nature that if someone comes at us yelling, they turn defensive and don't "hear" what you are trying to say. They only "hear" the anger.
Practice what you want to say by writing, posting here, talking to people IRL and then communicate to your WW.
Petite: Welcome to our little corner of SI. As others have advised, now is the time to work on you. This is not selfish. You need to heal whether or not you R or D. Focus on what you need.
Trust: As Miracle says:
You learned from your xH#1.
wH#2 has betrayed your trust. Do not put the house in his name. I made that mistake years ago for similar financial reasons and now am stuck. He used ALL the equity in our house to buy OW her apartment and buy an office overseas. The loan is more than the house is worth and all the money I put in the house is gone.
He has shown you who is with his actions. He has lost your trust.
Now, on a calmer note, I hope you are doing better and we are all here for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
ATS.. your tag line has changed again. Did I miss something?
Be safe. Be happy. Be healthy. Live with ease.
I dont know the laws in your state, but I would seek local counsel before doing anything you discussed here about the house.
For example, there may be exceptions to the community property - such as property you owned before your marriage. He will have to be added to the deed to refinance and you could b giving away significant rights by doing so - he could argue that you gifted it to him, etc.
Talk to a lawyer about the possiblity of entering into a an agreement with him that will insure that he doesnt get any share of the house even if he does refinance.
Of course, safest bet is to just not get him involved, but I understand you need to explore this option due to finances.
But, don't do anything blindly, a few extra bucks in savings now may cost you thousands later.
OW was my Best Friend for over 10 years. PA lasted 3 yrs - EA lasted 1 - 2 yrs before PA and another 1-2 yrs after PA. I sacrificed motherhood for WS, because he had 3 of his own when we met and was 45 yrs old when started dating. We used condoms for at least a year and then bc pills. He did not use one condom even one time with OW, and when she realized my H was NOT going to leave me for her and rescue her from her own miserable marriage with 2 children, she purposely became pregnant with WS child. WS ended A 2 weeks before we both found out OW was pregnant. He couldn't take the lying any longer, and told me about A and baby 3 yrs after end of A. (That's when I realized, over half of our marriage had been a lie). He was an upstanding citizen, known for his Christian high moral values, honesty, integrity and commitment, in our community.
I have yet to read a story on here or any other support site that has all these layers and multitudes of betrayals in their situation. I would love to hear from someone who has gone through the same thing with same betrayals
1. Me sacrificing motherhood for a man that I thought was worth it (so I am childless) only to have him give "my baby" to OW.
2. longterm affair
3. My very best friend for many years.
4. WH being such a pillar of our niche community.
We have actually done really well, considering all the variables or even not considering the variables, but the last couple of months, I have regressed right back to "FREAK OUT" mode. Unable to go to sleep at night. Talking to myself, cussing, yelling at him, OW, and myself (usually all in privacy of bedroom after he is asleep). He doesn't understand why I am suddenly so ANGRY again. Actually feel like I have been angrier for longer period than before. It feels like this anger will never go away and he is as understanding as he says he can be, but not like he was in the beginning. I feel like there is no way this can work, with the way I'm feeling now. HELP!!!
At the outset, here's my disclaimer: I am definitely NOT the best person to be responding to your post - I stopped trying to R with my X 2 years ago and while some things remain with me from this experience, I am still somewhat out of touch. Others will be by shortly - weekends are usually quiet here.
Right off the top of the bat I can tell you there others with similar situations - M3 for example, experienced the kind of double betrayal you are describing with OW having been your friend.
That you did not have children at the urging of your H is unique I believe to this board. ANd, I am sorry that you have this extra layer of pain.
Generally speaking tho, many people here can relate to the sentiment of wasted years, wasted opportunities, etc.
Taking action or inaction, sometimes to our detriment, in reliance upon the fact that we had a real partner in marriage or because we trusted our spouses is a recurring theme here, in varying degrees.
You described that your H was an outstanding citizen, etc. AGain, many people can relate to that as their spouses essentially had double lives, or were master compartmentalizers, excellent liars, etc.
Im glad to hear that your H was the one to end the affair and voluntarily told you about it. I think that is a good sign.
I understand from your post that you had been doing well, but are still quite angry, etc.
Im a little confused about how long you have been in R - but like you said, it'l layers upon layers of betrayal, a lot of information has to be sifted through to try to wrap your head around the significance of so many acts, over so many years, etc. In any event, I think it's normal to be angry, resentful, etc. for a while.
Even tho Im separated from my X , Im still angry - not like I was when I was trying to R - but watered down versions of those feelings pop up more often than I would like.
Anyway - just wanted to let you know you are heard.
what a heartbreaking story - I am so sorry for you...
the pain and anger will last a long time. period. most recovery takes 1 to 5 years.
on a practical note, about 10 months from dday, I started taking an anti-depressant Lexapro in a small dose. It helped to take away the peaks and mostly valleys of the roller coaster. I was still dealing with melting down.
welcome to the group here
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 8:49 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]
welcome to our little corner of si...like allgood has already stated...there are many of us who could relate to portions of your sich, most of us have some unique parts to our stories...that no one else seems to have.....but on the most basic level is that betrayal on a grand scale here in the lta forum....
i too am not reconciling, i tho am still living with ws, for me its a question of time as to when i will finally divorce...
as for the anger....i still have it, tho not at the same level when i was hoping for "r", and the more i detached from ws the less the anger...and i had to let go of the dreams....of what could have been, should have been and would have been....letting go of those i believe is key for moving forward, for without letting it go you remain in the past.....
now tho, when trying to reconcile its much harder to let it go, but ultimately when your ws does prove himself you will have to let it go for your own peace of mind, heart and marriage...holding onto it will only bring you misery and unhappiness....
there are those here who have happily reconciled like njgal is ultimate reconcilliation next to a few oldies who breeze in once in a while....and fnf has (forgivenotforget) has the bestest story that validates from the therapist as said to her ws....mostly because the therapist words were raw.....which when you think about it, very rarely would a therapist speak that way!!!
anyways....its one step at a time...and like mcjack has stated antidepressants may help...for me they did the opposite so i take xanax here and there...(not good to take all the time, addictive) and generally it was just enough to take that edge off....
take care of yourself in the meantime...hydrate, try to exercise even just walking for a bit....take care of you....first and foremost and try to do something nice for yourself daily, whether it be a mani-pedi or just reading a good book to escape...
and look maybe sometime a bit down the road you could look into adoption, not of a baby but a child....or even a baby....or even do foster care...go back to your dreams and realize them if you can....almost nothing is impossible anymore....
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
So your WH was a respected leader in your community. Committed, helpful, an example for all. So is my WW. Super mom, president of the PTA, on the religous board. And when I found out about her infidelity, she lied. I found out the truth because the pieces of the puzzl did not fit and I continued to probe. After DDay2, things were borderline hostile which she justified by accussing me of throwing the affair in her face. So, if you choose to pursue R, be ready for a very long road ahead.
I wish you the best possible outcome, what is right for you and your siuation. There are a variety of situations here and I learn from each of them every day. Sometimes it just takes a while for them to sink in.
At the beginning of June, I drafted a settlement for my WW to take to her lawyer. I did this at my WW request as she was done and eager to D. Then.. nothing, absolutely nothing.
I gave it a few weeks assuming that she had difficulty scheduling an appointment. When I asked her if she had talked to her lawyer, she replied no, something made me hesitate and you, h&c, seemed happy so I did not mention it. We had been doing things with our kids and a few things together. Still, she describes herself as being in nuetral. Not sure whether she wants to throw herself back into the marriage full tilt or start anew with a D.
I am willing to give it some time, not a long time but some as it is a difficult and awkard situation. We are living in our home together as we have for many years.
I have met with a lawyer and understand my rights, obligations and possible outcome in a D.
Life will be a challenge in the year ahead wheter it turns into R with all of its potential or D with a clean break and a fresh start anew. Whichever path I find myself on, I intend to enjoy the joruney along the way. And in large part, the wonderful folks in the forum have helped me get to this place.
Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! Live with ease!
h&c: i think you will be happy that you are giving her some time...it means you will prob have no regrets when the day comes that you will need to pull the trigger
miracle update: i got another job today...not the one i went for but a totally different one out of the blue....and it holds the promise of a bright future....i will know more by september if that will be the case...and if not i will go back to searching....but for now, i believe its a job i will be much happier at....so yay me!!!
things have been overall calmer in the house lately....i pray it stays that way but will not expect it stay so....pfm still continues to do stupid well....i don't believe that will ever change....and i guess its a good validation that the path i have chosen is the correct path
Well today is the day that I finally get to see the hepatologist and see how long this liver will hold out before I need a new one. I am really scared and WH#2 was suppose to go with me. Now however with his job situation he says he wants to save all his time off he can, so I will be going by myself. As usual it's all about him!!! Of course he said he would go if I really needed him to. No fucker!!! I don't need you there!!! You will just sit in a corner and never say anything anyway, so what do I need you for!!! You have never been there for me, so why would I need you now!!! OK, sorry...Not a vent...just what went through my mind when he said he really needed to go to work.
They said the appointment will take 2-3hrs, so I am not sure what all they plan on doing for that long. Hopefully, I'm not sitting in a waiting room most of that time twiddling my thumbs and freaking out. I started to ask one of my friends to go with me, but I hated to make someone sit there all that time. It's times like this that I miss my family.
I am going to tell WH#2 as little as I can get by with. I guess if he really cared or wanted to know he would be there with me. FTG