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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“openly communicating”

Well Iwant.. How you say things, how you behave is that important. I know you must be very careful with what you say. I can say things with intention to stir emotions.... or not.

What my Sex therapist says… (Honest, no my W does not need therapy, she has a degree and knows it all, she chooses to do nothing; She can be broken from the past. I cannot fix that.. She must fix it.) You must be attractive first.. and that is what I have been doing for months and months. It is not so easy to change old habits. Part of being attractive is being happy with who you are.. Not depending on happiness from who you are with. Power is with the one who cares less. My fears? I have courage to be single.. It has taken me months to get here. I don’t have economic obstacles. I don’t have ego obstacles. I can be happy with any woman who is attractive enough to want me from her heart… one who also seeks the same as me.. I give to my woman.. and let that attitude return to me.. if no return.. I cannot control that.. they can join me or not.. their choice.

Iwant.. Let’s say your man started today saying to you communicating, being direct with you…. I want our M.. I want our M.. over and over to you directly… What are you going to do? All the sudden change and want the M? Direct communication does not make a person change. It may even piss them off more. YOU must first be good enough.. worthy enough to make such a request.. and when you do, you had better be darn good. I wish just direct communication worked.

Now lets say pfm goes to an MC.. he sends you a deep apology from the depth of his heart.. I am sorry and dedicated to change. He begins to give more of himself to the family, begins to say things that are strength, positive, he start show you what you now mean to him with a few meaningful gifts, services without you asking, starts just saying things that build you up, starts being a man in his community that serves and respected by other men and woman.. starts placing God first in HIS life.. He is fun, adventurous, brings new things into your life. Etc.. He sets a goal telling you he will seek advancement in his career, sets that goal, achieves it… He never spends his money on stupid things.. he tells people in public what a wonderful woman you are.. He expects nothing in returns.. HE does this for 6 to 12 months.. Proving to you he has changed to be an attractive man.

Now after all that, he says to you.. He wants his M back with you in a more complete way.. after showing you his most attractive self for months.. Will you be attracted to him? Will you start to loving him in reciprocity? Or… did is past sin ruin the relationship forever?

If it is ruined, then a strong man accepts it.. he begins to start implementing living in a life where misery is not part of it.. If a woman cannot forgive, that is misery. A strong man will realize he did all he can to be most attractive.. he changed and made himself a better man… Even after years of not being so attractive, he forgives himself.. he then begins to place pressure on a woman who cannot forgive. A strong man will do it in several ways..

If you were my W, I would simple say.. If I tried my best to be attractive.. W, I am not going to live in an unloving M for security. Do you want our M or not? (Is that direct enough for you?) If you said no, you don’t want the M, I give you what YOU want.. my head held high and I eliminate you from my everyday life… I then cannot help you with insurance.. I cannot give you money, I push for selling the house.. You get out of my bed.. Poof… you are gone from all my blessings..

If you say yes, yet behave like it is a no.. then I lead you to a better place.. until You stop following my lead.. When you stop following my lead and the pressure on YOU.. You will want to file D with me! Your choice again.

See.. the reason I COULD leave is not that she is not initiating sex, it is because she is not giving me herself from the heart. Her choice, not mine.. She gives me her heart.. then she will not dare to risk losing me.. Damn straight I need it.. Sex is that important to a man.. An woman should realize it. I will teach her the importance and she will learn.. or maybe she is unable to “get it”.. I cannot do anything about someone unwilling, unable to learn… Since I am far more aware then practically every man out there when it comes to sexuality.. I cannot be tricked by feelings.. I know my feeling and no getting rattled here.. It is very calculating.. a way to communicate in an attractive strong way…. And if she does not respond.. let her find a good man who was like the old “good me”… and she can continue to never get those holes filled…


MC.. I can only say there are woman who do initiate. A woman most attracted to you “will” initiate. The women who don’t it could be many reasons.. they are lazy, she hate her body, she has some sex “it is bad” type mentality, she has some physical issue.. Or.. YOU turn them off.

Turn offs… I am well past needing to bring up any painful reminders to my W. To Forgive take months and months and you DON’T bring it up.. when it does come up.. You bring your W closer by holder her hand saying you are a good woman… you say.. I am glad you are my W… things like that. That is a turn on…

Turn offs… Nagging for sex. Turn on.. You must learn to create a romantic setting.. romance could start days before.. you create the moment.


Turn offs… You criticize them.. You say things that to a man mean nothing to a man.. but women know read between the lines and they see the negatives. Turn on.. you build them up…

Turn on.. You make yourself a leader in the community.. Turn offs.. You have not status in the community

Turn on.. you provide for your family.. turn offs.. you are lazy and never seek to advance.

The list goes on and on… I once shared that list.. It is most difficult to stay on track doing all…

There are men in my Sex therapy who’s W’s changed because they wanted to change.. There woman became attracted to these men. Some have placed pressures that worked.. some didn’t.. some move on to D.. Those who moved on discuss new quality woman they have found.. Why did they find such good woman? Because they are most attractive themselves.. Far more than at any time in their past.. They know how to ID good women.. Not tricked by any women’s initial desire to get a man with sex..


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She used to always say that it was only the woman's job to respond, not initiate.

A man can take that and do nothing with it.. Say.. OK.. and he always initiates. Fine..

But what if you respond to a comment this way?

“Let me tell you want you already know to be true. If Initiate sex with you when YOU want it, it feels goods, yes? What makes you think a man does not want these same feelings? WE DO. Now you and I can both continue to live the way we have in the past, or both give to each other which is really good for each of us. I prefer to give to each other and I expect the same from you.“

Let’s look at this scenario.. A woman never initiates sex… or even never give blow jobs.. Now you have a good man who never gets that.. or rarely at best. He just accepts not getting that..
A woman who comes into his life initiating those things to this man.. Yes, there are many woman who do initiate sex… a man who in a situation where he most likely won’t get caught.. He is going to eat the apple. It takes a very special high morality man to NOT eat the apple. They are rare. The need for this is all men is most high. PERIOD. As a woman, you had better be on your toes.. Not only protecting the boundaries that may place your man in high risk situaions.. but you had better make him think about what a good attractive women he has..

I know most women don’t think this way.. Not my woman... or my woman to be...

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:27 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I am sorry about your MIL. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your kids at this time.

Tryn: I'm so sorry. You sound so very upset and angry. Is your wife being physically affectionate at all? Hugging, or kissing you throughout the day? Cuddling with you at night? Or is this just a gut feeling that you have that she doesn't have her heart in it when you make love?

I understand what you are saying that if you are direct and tell her what you want and she doesn't respond, perhaps there are ways that she could "initiate" where she feels comfortable, like playing certain music, or wearing certain perfume? I know this is something she needs to fix within herself, but I still feel some honest talk is needed here. She needs to let you know whether she does want to initiate, but doesn't or somehow can't for whatever reason. Perhaps there can be steps she can take that may make her more comfortable, like playing certain music, wearing a certain outfit, to let you know

The bottom line, Tryn, if you knew that she had some FOO issues about initiating, she admits it, and is willing to work toward learning to initiate, would that be acceptable to you?

I'm also getting the feeling that her not initiating makes you feel that she does not want you in that way. That it is obligatory sex. I truly understand what you are saying. If that's the case, then there is a much deeper problem going on. You and your W have worked so hard to get to where you are. Have you tried any of your Retrouvaille exercises to discuss this sitch and how to solve it?

Keep posting Tryn.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiya Ats! <waving back>

Hi Sister and Lost. Good to see you!!

NJgal and MC, I agree, not every therapist knows are understands about A's. Mine never heard of "Not Just Friends", but to give her credit, she went out and bought it and read it. IC is like any other field. Some people go to school for it, but it doesn't mean that they are cut out to be a therapist.

NJgal, I don't know if it started out to be a fantasy with NPD. Perhaps it was. He still says stupid things like if he didn't marry her we would be D He had been saying that for years, but then he clarified further (there is a language barrier at times, English is his third language) that if he really loved her, he would have left me completely to be completely married to her.

Like, MCJack said, there are some things that do help with closure. That is not going to fix antything.

NPD is going back tomorrow. THis is the longest he has stayed for years. Good and bad. Good, because I could see the real him and deal with him and not just some fantasy image I have of him. The mask has slipped far too many times. Where before I thought he was just in a bad mood or mad, now I'm seeing who he really is. I'm seeing that even if he did not do what he did, I don't want to be married to him. Alcoholism runs in my family. I am very aware and don't drink, except socially BUT I think the tendency to be addicted is there, and


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiya Ats! <waving back>

Hi Sister and Lost. Good to see you!!

NJgal and MC, I agree, not every therapist knows are understands about A's. Mine never heard of "Not Just Friends", but to give her credit, she went out and bought it and read it. IC is like any other field. Some people go to school for it, but it doesn't mean that they are cut out to be a therapist.

NJgal, I don't know if it started out to be a fantasy with NPD. Perhaps it was. He still says stupid things like if he didn't marry her we would be D He had been saying that for years, but then he clarified further (there is a language barrier at times, English is his third language) that if he really loved her, he would have left me completely to be completely married to her.

Like, MCJack said, there are some things that do help with closure. That is not going to fix antything.

NPD is going back tomorrow. THis is the longest he has stayed for years. Good and bad. Good, because I could see the real him and deal with him and not just some fantasy image I have of him. The mask has slipped far too many times. Where before I thought he was just in a bad mood or mad, now I'm seeing who he really is. I'm seeing that even if he did not do what he did, I don't want to be married to him. Alcoholism runs in my family. I am very aware and don't drink, except socially BUT I think the tendency to be addicted is there, and I am coming to believe that I'm addicted to NPD in a crazy way. Perhaps addicted to his charm and his words that I so much want to believe.

Funny thing - it struck me how on many of the threads here the BWs are very fixated on the OW and the idea of 'winning', like the WH is some hapless pawn. The BMs seem content fixating on fixing WWs. Human behavior is interesting.

MCJack: this is quite profound!! Of course this is not true in every case, but I totally agree with you. Is this perhaps that guys (in general) want to "fix" the problem? It is often said that when a W is telling her H about her problems, usually she just wants him to listen, where the H will make suggestions to "fix" the situation.

With the A, I do think a lot of BW's (at least I have felt this way) compare ourselves to the OW. "What is so great about HER? What is wrong with me? Why did he choose her and risk our M and kids? He didn't love me enough and must love her more to risk it all...."

All kinds of toxic thinking.

I agree with that quote from Rachael, I feel a lot of WS's are unhappy for whatever reason. It could be life, their work, FOO issues , it could be they are unhappy in the M, but their choice to have an A to escape or deal with the problems is the problem. Some people may escape through Alcohol, drugs, gambling, working too much, playing video games all the time, stuck on the computer too long, going out a lot with friends, playing TOO much sports where they are never home, and some have A's...all things for them to escape their problems.

H&C: I admire your choices and the way you are moving forward. NO Match.com. Just keep focusing on you and your kids. Wean your wife from depending on you, and wean yourself from wanting/needing her to depend on you too.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin-

I think your WW is making a huge mistake in refusing to go to IC.

I don't care if she was a licensed clinical psychologist (which she is not!) she still needs to go to IC.

She has an undergraduate degree in a social science big deal.

Even medical doctors-psychiatrist -will go to psychologists/social workers etc for therapy sessions when the need arises.

If I were your wife's mother, sister, friend I would insist that she needs to see someone professionally to process everything that has been going on in her life.

Having an affair is a sign of dysfunction and having a series of long term affairs is a sign of lots of dysfunctional thinking.

That does not change magically with a snap of the fingers.
You don't just wake up one day and say... I was very screwed up for a very long time.
But, now, I woke up and figured everything thing out all by myself and I am cured!

I have a family memeber that does have advanced degrees in counseling-she is a MSW and LCSW and guess what? she has a lot of emotional and psychological problems.

But, she refuses to go to therapy.
Why?
because she thinks she knows everything there is to know.

Meanwhile she is an alcoholic, isolating herself, and basically ruining her life.

But will not seek out help.

I think that if your wife sought out help it would be life changing for her.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 9:30 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle-
Sorry about your MIL.
Hopefully you will get through this time with your WH's family for your children's sake?

Honest- Glad to see that you are seeing the NPD for what he is.
Thank goodness he's going back.
Now its time for you to get all your ducks in a row.

MCJack-
I think that one of the reasons betrayed wives focus on the OW is because we know how women are.
They do compare.
They are very envious and compete for attention.
The OW often try to get information about the betrayed wife.

Many OW's want the BS' life.

Other OW have stated that they just like the feeling of 'winning'-that the WH would risk his marriage for them.

On the other hand-very few OM want the WW to leave the marriage.

My FWH certainly did not.

He felt safe in the knowledge that the MOW did not make any demands and did not want to lose her marriage and so would not make waves.

He did not compare himself to the OW's husband.

In fact, tried not to think about him at all.

He did not feel in competition like OW often do.

And finally he did not want to marry the OW or replace her husband.

I know that is a bit of a generalization. And there are some OM that want the WW to leave their husband and marry them.
But, most OM who have affairs with married women do so because they want a no strings attached f-buddy situation.

OW often push for more and that's why so many BW's focus on the OW.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering if there are any folks out there who would share their story in regards to the WS staying with the AP and how that worked out? What was the progression of the relationship once dday came and went? I read that so few of the LTAs work out, but my wife is convinced that her AP is in it for the long haul with her. That they are friends and that he will take care of her through to the end with her cancer. And at this point there doesn't appear to be any indication it will be any other way.

I ask the question not because I am fixated on winning her back. I initiated the conversation yesterday of doing a mediated divorce. But, despite her insistence that I am not empathetic to her health, I do worry about what happens to her once her health starts to deteriorate. I don't plan to be there for it since she made her care-giver choice, but I do worry that things aren't going to work out for her the way she hopes, and having loved her for so long that is a sad thing if it happens.

Any thoughts on the WS/AP relationship after dday?

[This message edited by kg201 at 10:27 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 391 | Registered: Aug 2013
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle
I am sorry and wish you the best in dealing with a very difficult environment

Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! Live with ease!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kg-
My FWH threw the MOW under the bus right after d day. There was NC after that.So, I can't speak from my own experience.
I know of a number of affair situations among friends, relatives, co-workers etc.and in the vast majority the OM does not marry the affair partner.
The married ones stayed with their wives and even the unmarried guys did not put a ring on the WW's finger.

But, it does happen. I know one situation at work where the APs married and seem OK.

In another case, the WH married the OW (who was single and wanted the BW's life etc.) and the marriage is very unhappy but they are limping along.
any other stories out there?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Also, you sound very angry."

Yes, I am angry to be caught here in a nasty world of my WW's creating.

But I am moving on and asserting myself in new relationships with no intent to move beyond 'friends' for a long time if ever.
I've come to the conclusion that I really don't need women to be happy or to affirm my self worth.
The anger will fade with time, I hope.

Am I the only one with anger?
Is it out of line?

[This message edited by MutedMan at 7:21 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam,

best wishes to you and welcome to Florida, it is good that you are going to support your children's loss

Tryn,

It takes a very special high morality man to NOT eat the apple. They are rare. The need for this is all men is most high. PERIOD.

I am going to disagree here. All it takes is a man with boundaries, an understanding of consequences, and respect for himself. Maybe a little paranoia, as in, what is she trying to wrangle with that blowjob?

I believe that I have told the story that I was hit on by a co-worker’s wife early in my M. She hung out where I did with male friends on payday Fridays. She flirted, showed interest, and I found myself staying longer to talk with her when the others were gone. Sex with FWW fell off almost as soon as we M’d, and it was not fun at home with FWW blaming me for all her problems in front of her DDs. This OW arranged for us to get together for sex and I showed up, but I ended up leaving. When the moment came I could just see how wrong it was, how much power and control over me I was giving to her, and the potential consequences were I to do it. She was very upset when I left.

Kg201,

I do not have direct experience with a WS going to live with AP, but I do have experience with WS. In my experience, and in what I often seen on SI, the WS has personality and behavioral issues that interfere with forming and maintaining the emotionally intimate and honest relationship needed in a M. Put two people together with a demonstrated propensity to be selfish and put their own needs before the needs of others and you have a poor foundation for a M.

ETA:
kg201, another factor, at least in my sich, is where the A was at the time of dday. In retrospect, there were times in FWW's A that if dday had occured during that period I believe that she would have left me to live with unmarried OM, or left me to live alone and "date" MOM. It so happened that dday occured during a period she says was a downturn in her interest in MOM. She was becoming tired of his same stories and same behaviors, he started backing away from her as soon as I got wind of the A.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:56 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry about the death in the family IWAM.

Kg201:

Any thoughts on the WS/AP relationship after dday?

What ATS said. Not only do they have the boundary and personality issues but they also often have something to "bond" over or unite against. The WS's that are in LTA's "sometimes" get so deep it actually changes them. My WW stopped ehr A but she had been in the fantasy world so long that she did things and had experiences without me and our family that DID change her. After so many years she WAS a different person. It's more likely she was always this person and I never knew it but she still chose not to try to R.

WS's and AP's often have something to "bond" over. It's usually something extremely trivial like how much their BS's get on their nerves or whatever but it's never big enough to make them actually leave their BS. After Dday they have a choice to make and sometimes they choose to get this united front going against the BS's because you know we are trying to break up their true "luurve". In your case their "luurve" may be justified (in their warped minds) by OM's willingness to help her through this medical crisis. I wouldn't put much into it though because things will be different when OM has to be with your WW everyday and is actually taking care of her. That's a mega dose of reality right there. Whether or not she wakes up is out of your control but if she wants to go then my advice is to let her leave in fact help her out the door. Use their "luuurve" to your advantage and go see a lawyer and try to get an agreement worked out to your benefit while they are still in "luuurve" with each other.

You WILL be okay. she has to make her own decisions and live with them. She is choosing to go this route so you keep going in your own direction and detach. IMO, in the LTA's the WS can be so messed up in the ehad that if they remain in the A there isn't much you can do except remove yourself as plan B.


[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:52 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MutedMan:

Am I the only one with anger?
Is it out of line?

Believe me, you are NOT the only one with anger. I still to this day get mad on occasion and I consider myself fully detached and moved on. It's nothing like I had 6 months or a year ago but I still get flashes. When you find out someone has betrayed you for years it's not something you typically get over really quickly. It takes a special kind of person to do all the lying, planning, sneaking, and betrayal that goes alogn with LTA's and they did it for years so yeah there is usually some anger. For me the anger didn't really hit until over a year after Dday and ti was rough. I literally would have to get in the car and leave the house at times or workout to the point of exhaustion in the gym to get it out. I talked my brother and one friend in particulars head off for hours on the same issues.

The anger will fade with time, I hope.
Having said all that the anger does fade with time. It helped me to have several outlets like working out, hanging out with friends, focusing on my kids and family, and starting new hobbies so i didnt' have to just sit with the anger. You still have to work through it and i did with the help of an IC but everyone is different. Just know it does get better with time.

I've come to the conclusion that I really don't need women to be happy or to affirm my self worth.
This is a good place to be. I am there now and I am okay with being alone. At some point you will want to get back out and date and having the mindset you have now will help. You see the red flags people are waving clear as day and you make better choices. At least I am so far. When I am ready to get back out there I also know I will be able to walk away from a situation or relationship instead of trying to fix everything like I did in the past.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:04 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the repsonse @7yrs, Mondays are the worst after having spent at least part of my weekend with the WW. Her attempts to make life seem normal only remind me of how screwed up our marriage is.
I keep coming back to me filing for D alone.
I had hopes for a amicable divorce without all the lawyers fees and arguing, but I cannot get the WW to sit down and discuss this without her blameshifting and twisting everything to paint her in the best light while portraying me as the destroyer of our family.

"You just don't know how to cope as well as I do." said the WW...and "My IC said there's nothing wrong with me, you just need to act like this is a new marriage."
or better still "I told you I would never cheat again, what more do you want?"


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
petite71
♀ Member
Member # 36475
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have some walls up from my H's LTA....Does anyone else feel like their marriage is friends with benefits? (I just feel the way)Hopefully this stage will change


1st DD 03/24/2012 2nd DD 07/13/2012 TT A. in 2002 same girl when we were dating.
Status:Getting Stronger...we can get through this & are healing together
BS(me):41
WS(Husband):40
LTA 10 yrs EA/PA 9 times. friends with benefits.
Us..Together 12 yr

Posts: 125 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ Petite,
yes I feel that weay everytime my wife expresses an interest.
At first I tried to enjoy myself but found there was too much baggage.
Now I dread it. For years she made me feel like a disgusting old man (though I am only 5 yrs her senior and not a hunchback or anything)
now I am to believe that she has changed her mind and finds me desirable? Why? Because she cheated, got dumped and I found out about it? I don't like being the second choice to someone I made a priority- second place sex is worse.

[This message edited by MutedMan at 8:57 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
petite71
♀ Member
Member # 36475
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mutedman thanks for the reply...I hope one day I will see him in a different light. Right now I still am disgusted with him because of his E/P LTA.


1st DD 03/24/2012 2nd DD 07/13/2012 TT A. in 2002 same girl when we were dating.
Status:Getting Stronger...we can get through this & are healing together
BS(me):41
WS(Husband):40
LTA 10 yrs EA/PA 9 times. friends with benefits.
Us..Together 12 yr

Posts: 125 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You just don't know how to cope as well as I do." said the WW...and "My IC said there's nothing wrong with me, you just need to act like this is a new marriage."
Wow...because great coping skills helped her make great decisions prior to and during her A right? Dealing with the rugsweeping was the hardest part for me. My STBX is still rugsweeping and papaerwork has been done for awhile. There really is nothing you can do to make a WS confront and deal with their own issues. You can only make decisions based on what YOU need and want. They either get with the program or they never were in the first place.

IMO a MC that says you just have to get used to the new M or act like this is the new M is just wrong. A new M has to be built on trust, honesty, and a willingness to dig deep into issues and resolve them. Otherwise your WW is just a dry adulterer and her coping skills were inadequate before so if she doesn't do the work now it's only a matter of time before she fails to "cope" in an adequate manner again. Rugsweeping also puts the BS on defensive. You never are sure what will set them off and you end up walking on eggshells. Not a fun way to be. Your WW sounds unremorseful but she doesn't realize it. Mine was the same way. She thought she was okay and never truly got it. Not wanting to change meant things stayed the same and that was not acceptable to me. Something about being plan B never quite set right with me. Especially once I started doing the work on myself.

I also ended up filing because my WW wasn't able or willing to do so. It's something else they can blame on us. 7yrs filed for divorce not WW. Keep at it mutedman. Keep working on you. It gets better.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:17 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Petite71
Does anyone else feel like their marriage is friends with benefits?
Prior to Dday I would say I was in this situation but I didn't know it. I wasn't even getting much of the benefits part out of it. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what or more accurately woudln't allow myself to believe it. My STBXW even said several times we were more like friends than a married couple. She obviously left out why SHE felt that way of course.

After Dday I went through false R for a year and had a tough time for about 6 months after that trying to figure out what to do. During that time were were basically roomates. WW did nothing to work on her issues so we remained stagnant until I started doing things for myself and built myself back up enough to file for D. This was just my case.

Petite71 is your WS doing any work to resolve his issues and help you to heal. Is he transparent, gone NC with AP, going to IC/MC, talking to you and listening to you without being defensive? While my situation ended in D others around here are in R. It takes quite a while to process all of the damage done by LTA's. So much of the M has been tainted and so many memories are scarred. You can get through it with time but it helps if you have a truly remorseful WS who does the work to fix what they messed up. Keep working on you and making yourself stronger. It doesn't seem like it but it does get better.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
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