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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest- I had a brief discussion with the classmate today clearly demarcating my boundaries.
Not surprizing they are her boundaries as well.
I'm feeling less trepidation and looking forward to an enjoyable evening. And we both opted out of the open bar. Not that i won't have one or two.


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Muted Man: Bravo!! I admire you and your classmate. I am so glad there are people of integrity.

Jack: I'm not sure I know what you mean by your post. Do you mean that WH is getting something for nothing, or me?
I work part time from home for our business. I am currently looking for a job in my field, but there are no openings, but am plugging away.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why haven't I divorced?

Set aside the financial issues, what would be different after a D? The answer for me is very little.

All parts of my life are going well other than my expectations for FWW. FWW is doing nothing to hurt me or cause me to feel unsafe. She is who she is, and I perceive her as a depressed and insecure person. I believe this ties into her inability to stay employed, something that has only been a problem since dday.

I am able, barely, to pay all the household and DS college bills. I can handle next year with 2 DSs in college, and my long-term (retirement) is secure. If FWW never works again, I will be ok. She will be eligible for ssi well before me.

I recently completed a project building an electric hybrid bike. During the build I was focused on the project, not on FWW and sex or relationship. I have a rich life outside of FWW.

Sure, in a perfect world my spouse would be an asset in my life. But life is not perfect. I already squandered my child raising years. My spouse will not be such an important part of the next 20 years.

Yes, in retrospect I wish I had D'd at dday when she had a good job, but had I done that I may have now been regretting the quick D.

Not being involved with her family (FIL, BIL, SIL, one DD) is more a blessing than a curse. They are all more messed up than FWW. I am fine with my parents and our DSs.

Sex and being desired by FWW is just never going to happen. She will not be a rock for me, so I need to be self-sufficient. I can take care of her, and ensure my sons' mother is always safe.

I will pass someday comfortable with the path I am taking. Unfortunately, FWW will pass with a life of regrets.

For those of you struggling, I say focus on you. If you have to be independent to find happiness so be it. D and move on. For others, find your and your happiness, and try to take the focus off your spouse.

I am going to be spending more time fishing, biking, and publishing. What are you going to do?

eta, I find it interesting that Tryn and I both look for the same thing from our Ws to complete the M, and neither of our W's are willing (or able) to meet this expectation and desire. Many of the fine Ladies of SI have indicated that our expectations are not unreasonable, but for our FWWs it is. In FWW's case, she was willing if not always happy to meet OM's sexual expectations, and sex was adequate enough for her to experience loud satisfaction. With me she wants sex to be on her terms, and it feels like an obligation. Tryn's W also wants sex on her terms, but in their case it is him initiating, not her.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:37 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With me she wants sex to be on her terms, and it feels like an obligation.

That's my WW. Always an obligation and always on her terms.
But she had no problem accomodating her OM.


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Honest))))) - I agree completely with allsgood and the others. I will add, though, that you could write a book on the 'unintentionally' cruel things he has said to you. Remember that when you need strength. That, and the fact that, right now, as we speak, he is with OW. And that's never going to change.

Ats - your post made me so sad for you. That doesn't sound like reconciling. That sounds like settling for a half life. You deserve more. You deserve the fairy tale. What is the point of surviving the Fire Swamp and the Pit of Despair if not to get our happily ever after?

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 7:18 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,

yes I meant that your STBXWH is getting something (well a lot actually) for nothing.

the reason I asked about your job, is that I recommend you find something outside of your house, in order to get out there in the world and start a life that is just your own. what is your field? maybe do something different, or clerical, or entry-level on a temporary basis...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you struggling, I say focus on you. If you have to be independent to find happiness so be it. D and move on. For others, find your and your happiness, and try to take the focus off your spouse.
I agree. It never hurts to take control of your own life and situation regardless of what your WS is doing or not doing. It's a decision to move forward in some direction. Many people have their own reason for staying M or getting D. It took me a while to stop projecting my specific situation onto others. I am glad you are moving in the direction of your choice, ATS. I wish you the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...sex on her terms... sex as an obligation...

its just too bad that for some folks sex can not be about true intimacy. For some, like I posted above, sex is a tool to get or win something, or an escape from something, or is so connected to shame that it can only be 'enjoyed' in a context of more shame.

ats I get why you recommend the book Sexual Detours. It is one the few books that looks at infidelity as a symptom of a core emotional dysfunction. I also get why you recommend it with NJF, which deals with nuts and bolts like boundaries and false expectations.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 8:27 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's my WW. Always an obligation and always on her terms.
But she had no problem accomodating her OM.
Mutedman, in the last thread there was some discussion about WS's wearing "masks", especially in the LTA's. My WS said I didn't know her and she couldn't be herself around me. Often the BS has no idea their spouse walks around all day with a mask on incapable of truly communicating with us for whatever reason.

My STBX told me she could be herself sexually with OM because he didn't know her. We had been married for 4 years at the time the LTA started and I knew her since we were kids but she felt more comfortable being herself around a coworker than the Father of her 2 children. This is where that "not really knowing who our spouses are" thing comes in. In some cases, at least in mine, my WW was always being someone else around me and not truly being herself for some reason. Was she ashamed of what I would think of her, did she have doubt, it could have been anything but she chose not to open up to me. It was likely the FOO issues, abuse issues from her past, death of a parent at a young age, abandonment by her remaining parent at a young age leading to adoption and/or just plain old poor communcation skills. I didn't communicate as well as a I should have but she assumed I was a mind reader and I should just "know" how she felt and what to do. Just more conflict avoidance and building resentment for things I didn't even know I "did" wrong. It all leads to "BS you never listen or talk to me or meet my needs and AP does all of these things" which is of course complete bull because WS never truly tried to communicate or was actually incapable of doing so in a way that was productive. Hell, our MC when we were going saw this immediately in my WW. She told her there are 2 Mrs. 7yrs and she could help her merge the 2 together and become a complete whole person. No more compartmentalizing and wearing masks. Of course as soon as IC got too close to real issues STBX chose not to go back to the IC.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:53 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she felt more comfortable being herself around a coworker than the Father of her 2 children

yep

ashamed of what I would think of her,

yep

she chose not to open up to me

yep

she assumed I was a mind reader and I should just "know" how she felt and what to do.

yep

building resentment for things I didn't even know I "did" wrong

yep


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jack: thank you for clarifying that. I was a teacher, but because I was living on and off overseas for over 10 years, I lost my certification (long story). Very difficult to get it back, plus there are absolutely no teaching positions open. Ironically, they hire newly graduated people because they are more affordable and can't afford me because of my experience and education. Catch-22 and very frustrating. Not giving up though.

Ats: I understand what you are saying. I often felt that I would be happy with just being content. My life was always such a turmoil, that relative peace was all I sought. You have worked so very hard, and so has Mrs. Ats. It's very sad that she cannot really go further and although I feel she loves you to the best of her ability, it's not enough. BUT, once you feel more settled within yourself, don't give up the dream of finding someone who can truly love you the way you need. Don't just settle. Encourage Mrs. Ats to make herself happy too, and hopefully she can find a job to help support herself. I feel in your case, you and she can have an "amicable" D in the future since you have both grown and respect one another for working on it, but the M is not satisfying for you. Just some thoughts.

Ok, guys, some thoughts about your discussion on sex and the OM. I have only made love with 2 men in my life and they were both my H. After xWH#1 left and I met current WH, I was more open to trying different things. With xWH#1, I knew him since I was 15 and he was 17. It was a feeling of embarrassment to try something else, like I felt he loved the "old" me and would not like/love something else....Emotions are crazy and are not the truth.

Just to add, I felt that when xWH#1 left and had his A with a bar whore, he couldn't come back because he couldn't face me again. He was/is a very moral person. (I know that sounds very contradicting) I believe he felt that I wouldn't look at him the same again and he would see what he did reflected in my eyes forever and he couldn't forgive himself.

Masks are a hard thing to live up to.

Current NPD has let his mask slip many times and I see that it is harder for him to maintain it. Lately he was acting all nice and then for a few days a wall went up and he was talking to me in a curt, polite way. When I asked what was wrong, he answered, that he was in a bad mood, can't anyone be in a bad mood? It's always about you. You always want me to act a certain way and treat you nice. It's all about you.

Classic NPD.

I know, I know, I should not have engaged him. I should be doing 180 on him. But a good friend pointed out to me that she understands that I may not be fully ready to face the repurcussions of that as of yet.

I am finally moving forward and not just saying I know I must move forward. There is a profound difference there.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry triple posted

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 11:42 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me a while to stop projecting my specific situation onto others.

I don't think that is what I was doing. Maybe I didn't express my thought well. I think Honest worded it better.

once you feel more settled within yourself, don't give up the dream of finding someone who can truly love you the way you need. Don't just settle.

Honest -

I felt that when xWH#1 left and had his A with a bar whore, he couldn't come back because he couldn't face me again. He was/is a very moral person. (I know that sounds very contradicting) I believe he felt that I wouldn't look at him the same again and he would see what he did reflected in my eyes forever and he couldn't forgive himself.

I think it makes perfect sense. My WH considers himself a very moral person. Not only that, but I was his only prior to the A. He has said that if he allows himself to think about that, the guilt is too much to bear.


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, trying to do this on the phone and triple posted somehow.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 11:41 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Decimated:
I don't think that is what I was doing. Maybe I didn't express my thought well. I think Honest worded it better.
My comment about projection was STRICTLY about me and wasn't intended as a "knock" for you or anyone else. I sincerely hope that isn't what you or anyone else took from my comment.

SI is continual therapy for me. When I decided to file for D, I remember coming into the LTA forum during a discussion we were having and saying something to the effect of "I don't ever know if I will understand how people can R after LTA's or something like that." That comment then WAS me projecting my feelings onto others. I had to step back and realize that my situation wasn't everyone elses no matter how many similarities I saw in what they were posting.

I hope what I posted makes sense just now. This is the my first week with the kids since school started and it's been an adjustment to say the least. Weeks in the Summer were cake compared to the schedule with school back in session and I don't seem to be adjusting quiet as quickly as I thought I would.

I already had much respect for single parents but now that I am one, even with 50/50 custody, puts things in a new light.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:51 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
danni
♀ Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone

This is a repost I first posted in general.

Just logged in today after a lonnnng time away. I was feeling so low and needed to feel understood and vent.

Been a long time. I dont even know if this is the right forum to post in. But here goes.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

No answer to my questions, yes three years later.

No time line.

No discussion regarding the affairs.

No communication.

Now I feel it is to late to demand answers.

I actually gave up over six months ago. After our last MC session. All promises with the MC but as soon as we left everything we talked about was forgotten. $150.00 a hour not covered by insurance I canceled all the appointments that were to follow.

He cannot understand why I am so cold. I have nothing to say to him. As far as sex goes I could do it with a perfect stranger off the street and feel the same way. It is sex no connection nothing.

I dont know where to go from here. I say nothing at this point I am afraid what may come out of my mouth will not be very productive.

Thanks for listening


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 320 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Danni. Sorry you are back and your WH hasn't done much to change. Have you taken time to put some thought into what you want? I had a year of false R before I realized my WW wasn't capable of doing the work. I then spent time doing the 180 and focusing on things I wanted to do. Basically living my life again as if she wasn't there. I consider that time I was in limbo pretty productive for me as it helped me decide what I wanted out of life. In my case it meant filing for D but it helped greatly to start going out again and living my life. My WW had 2 A's years apart so once she showed me that she either wasn't going to do the work or was not capable of doing the work I decided to avoid the inevitable 3rd Dday.

That was just my story but my point was are you doing anything to put your focus on YOU and not on your WH?


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danni,

it is never too late to ask for what you want

it is never to late to decide what you want

it is never to late to make changes


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Danni,

7yrs asks a good question. What do you want?

At one time you wanted answers to questions, a time line, to discuss his A, and communication. Your WH has told you through his actions that is not willing to give you these things you want.

What about him, has he done any work and made any progress figuring out why he had his A? What is it in him that he needs to address to help prevent another A in the future, or is he a ticking affair-bomb just waiting to go off again?

What do you want? Do you want to be M'd to a many who does not love and care enough for you to provide the things you tell him you want and need? Do you want to be M'd to a man who injures you hugely, then just says whoops, shows no empathy, and moves on leaving you to deal with his mess? Do you want to be Md to a man who has cheated on you twice, and other than growing older has not really changed who he is?

You cannot change him, and he does not seem interested in being a different person than the guy who has cheated on you twice.

I understand, and you are welcome to vent. Are you satisfied to simply vent and then move back to the way your life has been? Are you mostly happy in that life?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

petite and muted man welcome to our little corner of si....and welcome back danni, and so so sorry that you felt the need to come back...


interesting topics...i just skimmed as my head is elsewhere...the wake for my mil is tomorrow and pfm has told me that one of his sisters had screamed to him and his brother that their spouses (meaning me and one of my sil) had not better be anywhere near her mothers funeral and or wake....this sil is certifiable and has attacked me before, both verbally and actually physically once....so me thinks this is gonna be interesting to say the least....none of his family know about what he did nor that i plan on divorcing him....i do believe they would rejoice over the divorce, since the certifiable one has schemed in the past to do just that....and they will probably all find a way to blame me for pfm doin what he did and use it to say that we never should have married in the first place...anyways....i could go on and on, but i won't.....

interesting topics:

1... anger: hell yes, anger is not only normal but i believe necessary for healing....there are some who have a hard time being angry and wallow in their pain....and that is not good .....anger can help you out of a funk...

and not for nothing but i think we all have a right to be angry over what our ws's have done and for some, what they continue to do.....

anger...normal as long as its not prolonged no matter what your sich...it does not help you move forward...no negative emotions will help you move forward

2. putting up wall:

hell yes....its a way to self protect.....it has alot to do with lack of trust...and the irony is that it really does not protect us one iota, but while putting the walls in place it does....until we get hurt then those walls dont seem to exist...and yet we cannot stop ourselves from putting them up....


3. a ws who does not do the work: imho.....you will never be at peace or happy....you will forever wonder, not trust and not believe.....its hard to move forward because it keeps you stuck in a bad place....


danni: why are you staying? why does he still have the ball in his court...you don't seem to be happy, so go out and put YOUR life where YOU want it to be without him....

if you choose to stay married to this man then you will have to accept that what you have now is all you will get, acceptance will lead you to place within where you can move forward..

for a great deal of my marriage i did just that...this was before i knew about the infidelities...pfm was a rotten husband...i made excuses for him and then i finally just accepted him for who he presented to be....and i was satisfied but never happy...then we hit a precipice....it was a god awful time....and it was when i seriously thought about divorcing him...he had raped me one night and then shortly after that he took his families side once again in a really big way....was actually when that sil verbally and physically attacked me....anyways...my marriage had changed as had i...sex changed for me....i lost my sex drive....ironically it came back after d-day ...alot of good it would do me then!!!....no hb sex in my house....remember that man raped me at one time....i was DONE!!

anyways... i digress again....when you have acceptance you can find peace...without true acceptance you will never be happy or even content with your life...

k, comin down off the soap box now...

pray for me tribe....have to see all my crazy in laws for this wake/funeral....

the evil side of me is thinkin at least my mil is no longer added to that mix seein as she is now dead!!! damn that sounds terrible....she was not a nice person to me....she was to others...but not me....and she was a sucky mother to her son (pfm) actually she was a sucky mother to all her sons....she was all about the vaginas she gave birth too....and she was a lousy grandmother to all the sons children....mine included...a horrible mil to me and one sil....and now she has to wrestle with that in her after life....


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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