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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
danni
♀ Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i can beleive thus in 31/2 i have never seen her in person only in pictures. this is awful.


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 320 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing danni?

I have never met the AP in real life either. I drove by its house once and it just happened to be bringing the trash can out to the curb. (Silly bitch forgot to put itself in the can) I only got a glimpse 'cause I couldn't exactly stop and stare. Or, maybe I should have. And done the old Clint Eastwood fake gun shooting scene from "Gran Torino". Probably would have got in trouble.

Anyway, I got all giddy. I don't know why. Maybe 'cause I finally saw it IRL and it wasn't this sparkly glittery farting rainbows anything special person. Just looked like any ordinary middle aged mid western women with an '80's hairdo. The ho-do.

However, if I wasn't expecting it and the AP just showed up at my grocery store, I feel I might do one of two things. Have a meltdown or go throat punch it. I would be shaking like a leaf and hyperventilating, too. I am so sorry you had to deal with that danni. (((danni)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
danni
♀ Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just got home
wh is a asshole (sorry)

i told him what happened and he just looked at me with this dumb look on his face. I wsnted to punch him in the face instead of her.

but realy it was paralizing. i could not drive right away.


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 320 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

danni-
I know how you feel.

I saw the OW from a distance once and even though I had all kinds of fantasies about confronting her etc. when it happened I froze.

I panicked.
And did nothing.

I drove away.

I'm normally a very self confident person.

And the OW is definitely not someone that should make me feel less than.

I think the problem for me was the surprise factor- I wasn't expecting it.

Maybe your husband's reaction is shock also?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danni - I think I would've reacted the same way. Probably for the best. Sorry your H was not more sensitive to the situation.

((Danni))

I agree completely with NJGal:

I think that most of the WS will say that they pursued the affair because they were NOT happy in their life.

True in my case.

And...ironically, that same wife, family, life that made them unhappy before d-day is now their only source of happiness.

In my case this point didnt really hit home with my X until after he moved out & saw me trying to date someone.

Even now that it's been 1 1/2 years that I've given up dating, he is still sad that he didn't try harder to R when he had the chance and has not moved on. He is now making a bigger push for me to reconsider R again.

Why? Because they needed a major attitude adjustment

Agreed.

In trying to convince me why we should R, my X admits that he was unhappy for quite a long time in our marriage, even before the affair. So, I say, why would you want to get back together now - you've been miserable for years? And his answer is that that was better than the way he feels now.

I do understand how you can lose your way - life doesnt' turn out to be as much fun or proves to be more difficult than one had imagined & resentment & entitlement starts to build from there.

But once a partner turns away from the other & seeks to solve this problem by creating an alternate life for him/herself.... well, I don't need to tell any of you how difficult it is to find your way back.

Similarly, Im struggling to find my way back from this experience. And I know I will never be the same as before - in some ways better, and some ways worse .

Anyhoo.

G'night all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PA… Here are some thoughts I have today…
Technical part… Some people think love is a feeling. Love is a noun when you look it up in the dictionary. Most feeling words are verb or adverbs.

I once thought the same.. I once never gave the meaning of love even a thought. Then, people started teaching me what it meant. I started reading a few books. Over the years, we have had many discussions about love.


I always use this definition of love.. The meaning has not changed.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

He was an abusive loser who eventually killed out every bit of love I ever held for him. I left, and never looked back but there was no choice in the matter. I just woke up one day not in love.

I can make a statement about your post… Your thoughts come first then feelings follow.

Your first H did not love you. He was not behaving… love is kind. He likely did many unloving things and many bad behaviors. You just start feeling things.. miserable, anguish, rejected and you can describe your feelings in many ways. Then, One day, you made the choice to no longer love him. It came natural.

You are a good woman. A good woman loves herself enough, to make a choice to love those who only love her. See.. when you stop loving, It still never fails us.. We stop loving others because we love ourselves.

You have read the 5 Languages of Love.. Yes?

All those behaviors the discuss are things you do (Actions)…. These actions are called love.

I fix my W and bring her coffee every morning. I love her with a service and gift.
Before my W leaves for work, we come together.. and I put my arms around her waist, we kiss. I sometimes give her a make-out kiss. She is loving me with the love of touch, I am loving her with the love of touch.

When we do these things, they result in thoughts.. Then from those thoughts we have feelings. Those feeling are not “love”.. they are feelings. When you love, the results are feelings.

Most times I love my W.. But sometimes I make mistakes. Those mistakes can cause hurt and pain. Same goes for my W.

But if you both make the choice to behave lovingly.. Good feelings will come.

What do you think?

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:00 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillStanding1... Healing separately? Good idea?

Yes it is a good idea for moving apart.. not together. Yes, this is a choice to start disconnecting. Why don’t you cut to the chase and just hire an attorney? Stop loving him 100%. Then, I am sure you get to a quicker peace. I see so many people that linger on.. I suppose that .. Love always hopes. But you can view hope with someone new too… Sounds easy.. but I do know how hard.


[This message edited by trynhard at 5:07 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danni..
I was so distraught 5 years ago.. I wanted my W’s OM to feel the pain I felt. My IC every meeting kept telling me to form a plan.. A plan to walk away. I had the anger in me to take a baseball bat to this man’s head. Of course, it was his fault too.. He trespassed on me. All WS trespass unless they have no clue they are having an relationship not knowing this person is married. They Trespassed on us.

So 3 months ago.. I saw OM face to face. The feelings and thoughts inside me…

Evil.. “go over there… fist ready… You trespassed on me you piece of shit “
Love.. “No, execute your plan…like IC says”
We stared at each other.
Evil.. “take my car and back into his car..”
Love.. “No Dave.. drive away..”
I get in my car and I drive away.. but I stop.
Evil.. “go back there and confront that SOB..”
I notice he sees me stop.
Love.. “I leave… and go hit golf balls.”
Score.. 3 to 3. An tie.
Love won even though it was a tie.. Love wins all ties.

These are the moments in time that can have some bad effects the rest of your life. My congrads to you for being quality..

Danni.. My next plan when I see him? I will walk up and say.. Look, so you know, I forgive you.. then walk away…
I hope you feel like me in 5 years.. Yes, I can still have anger but I choose love.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:57 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bit behind, only time for a quick post -- re "faultless" APs... of course the WSs don't "see" their APs. My WH has now gotten to the point of marveling how little he actually knew about her. I ask, "Did she ever think about getting married? Did she want kids? How does she feel about her family?" And he literally has no answer, because they never talked about that stuff. So, what DID you talk about? Work, music, books, what they did that day... Did you talk about her BF? No, she was very private about that.

There's a chance he's lying about this, I guess, but it's pretty consistent. The bottom line is that he never really WANTED to know her -- the fantasy had to stay intact. So, of course, the hurtful bottom-line question is, what did you think you loved about her, when you thought you loved her? Right now his only answer is, IDK. And I'm not pushing it because I can't really handle it quite yet, and I want him to work it out in IC. But I feel we've made a lot of progress, in that he now sees how fantasy-based his feelings were toward her.

Gotta go...


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 'love is a choice' thing can be hard to get a handle on in practical way.

One of the most helpful things my MC said was to keep a positive image of your spouse in your head when you are not together. Truly very helpful for my WW, as she had done the opposite for a long, long time if not forever.

The following excerpt comes from a poster here at SI in a thread wondering about the nature of 'love':

Was reading something by Helen Fisher that was an ah ha for me..."We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance—with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other.

I think as BSs we are asked to do what the WS was not able to do for a lot of our Ms...

tgif

Jack

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:40 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
danni
♀ Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning All

I have not be here in a few day, aside quick post last nite.
I have been trying to find health insurance. I dont know about anywhere else but in massachusetts it is crazy. We were dropped from the other insurance because we made 82.00 to much last year. It was a income based program. 82.00 lousy dollars!! So instead of a $420.00 monthly premium we now pay 800.00. I think we are all set for 10/1 to be covered, but if one of us get sick it will break us financialy. You would think for 950.00 a month we could get good insurance!! Just maddening. Thank you Govener Patrick. Everyone else will understand when and if obama care comes into play. Sorry I know no politics. Just venting!

What realy fries my ass is that years ago. I mean years we had good insurance but WH decided he wanted to be self employee. So he stared his own business. MY big concern was insurance WH said he would take care of it not to worry! For a few years he paid for in through the company. With the economy he could not pay for it. So it became my worry.

What the hell is wrong with me why am I such a enabler the fixer of everything.

I missed alot being gone for a few days.

Fighting

That was the post(They always A down) thank you for finding it. This was helpful to me. It was like my mantra. Even though in my case my H did A down. I still had a hard time with comparing myself to the OW.

All good

I am sorry I misunderstood. 1½ years is a long time to try and get nothing back.

iwant

Sailior potty mouth!

I think that is a symptom of the As. The language that come out of my mouth!!

Stillstanding

Good name for OW. I was never creative I used and still do call them scank#1, skank#2 yes 2OWS at the same time. Then there was the realestate Hooker(my DDS gave her that name because of the makeup she wore) that he had a EA with for years.

In a M we see the good and the bad. We except both. Her rotten soul will be front and center soon enough.

My WH made OW out to be queen of her own little realm where she ruled all her subjects with immense beauty and grace with an IQ of 300 and tricks in bed that would make a man's head spin.

Not real life all fantasy.

I can see she's not perfect. Why can't he?

She hides who she realy is.
In real life when/if the Screaming Monkey gets to see your H and he her true self, the fog will lift and she won't be screaming.

Positive

My WH pulls the "free pass" card. As in I get a free pass to have sex with someone else once - you know since he did.

You have class and selfrespect.

My WH never pulled the free pass he could not stand the thought of me with someone else. But as Sister said

Ask him how he would feel about you if you went out and fucked (yes, use shocking, vulgar language, because that is what an affair is) some other man. For years.

When I asked WH to look at what he had done and switch places he said, he would D.

WH said he made a mistake lets move on. No A mistake may be a drunken onenite stand(still very devestating to the marraige),bounce a check, But H you made a concious decision to betray me for years. It was not a mistake.

I just hate all this. I hate it

That sums it up. There is so much this to get over, under through.

I don't believe in true love or soul mates or any of that fairy tale stuff.

RP

I did once upon a time, but no longer. For me the thought of meeting, dating, and starting over with someone else is terrifying.

At this point in my life I would rather be alone than deal with new!!

Today, we decided that we need to take a real break from each other and try to heal independently.

Still standing

Do you think it would be good for you? That is all that counts.

I pray I would never be so lacking in self-respect to take him back after he actually did choose her over me.

I do not think I would have been able to take him back if this happened., but I still ask myself where is my self respect for taking him back at all.

Njgal

This was not at a distance this was up close and personal. My only saving grace was I do not think she knows what I look like. It was scank#2. I am not posted allover sosial media. I do not even allow my children to post me on thiers.

I think the problem for me was the surprise factor,

I wasn't expecting it. Yes I think so after 3½ years I stopped looking down every isle and around corners.

Maybe your husband's reaction is shock also? DONT CARE

I think that most of the WS will say that they pursued the affair because they were NOT happy in their life.

Also true in my case, I was also unhappy, we were in a realy bad spot in out marraige/life. Kids off to collage. His business going bad. Losing the house.

Why did I not cheat?

That is a excuse.

Allgood

And his answer is that that was better than the way he feels now.

Is that enough for you?

But once a partner turns away from the other & seeks to solve this problem by creating an alternate life for him/herself.... well, I don't need to tell any of you how difficult it is to find your way back. And I know I will never be the same as before

YUP

Try

3½ years ago I was a mess. I wanted to knock on the door and punch her in the face. Then I found out about scank#2. I realized it was all WH. If it had not been this trash it would have been and probably was others.

I am ok today. Last night just went to bed early, left for gym early. I have not talked to him at all. Dont want to.

I have to realy look at myself and marriage good and hard. Vey scary.


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 320 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to really look at myself and marriage good and hard. Very scary.

Yes it is indeed. Once you get the hang of it, I think it is quite empowering.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danni:

And his answer is that that was better than the way he feels now.

Is that enough for you?

In answer to your question - no, I did not find his response, while honest, to be too enticing.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

danni:

I have to realy look at myself and marriage good and hard. Vey scary.

It can be, but here is the thing; when you look hard and with perception and see the true state of your life and your M, nothing has changed, except awareness. Every wonderful and every awful thing that you see has been there. The difference is now you see more, and you can take action (or accept it).

Prior to dday I was aimlessly walking a path I had been on for many years. In the 2-3 years prior to dday I had started to realize my happiness was not with FWW, and I tried and reinvigorate my life, but also to stay on the same path of feeling responsible for FWW’s happiness, locked into obligations, blah, blah. After dday I am responsible for me, and supportive of others I like and love. I have a life much more like my pre-M life.

Good Luck to you, and enjoy meeting yourself all over.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:34 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl sighting in F&G SPF thread. Her sense of humor is still intact.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

danni- Try to de-stress and relax this weekend.
Do something nice for yourself.
You have had a very stressful week between the shock of the OW sighting! (up close too... yikes!) and the insurance coverage problems....
You deserve to just chill for a few days.
Focusing on yourself sounds like a great idea.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blobette…
A quality woman living for free in her parents house loves them with service and respect.
That's not manipulative? If she doesn't do the laundry, she's 1) not a quality woman and 2) doesn't love her parents. I kinda see this big finger shaking at her that she's not loving or respectful. Tryn asked for reactions -- that's how I'd read it. But then, I have a Jewish grandmother.

I have looked hard at myself… Do I manipulate my W and DD? I am not trying to make this post for you.. it is for me. In fact.. you have helped me and I thank you. Some things I do are manipulation… and I can push a fine line.

Manipulation…
b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage.

My DD is 21. She is an adult by law and society. There comes a time when all children must mature. She is living in my house, my W’s house that we paid for. My W and I are giving my DD a gift… It is free education and free cost of living. My DD can love me or not, her choice. That is not unfair. She is free to not accept our gifts and find a job, live on her own.
I can teach my DD to know what it means to be giving… quality.. to love another. I never accused my DD of not being quality… a criticism. I asked her to be quality. Her choice, not mine. She could have not done laundry. And I would have been fine with her choice.

IMO.. My DD should recognize that you accept a gift with grace. The quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful. Reciprocity is a good behavior. It most often comes to us naturally… someone does something nice for you, you want to do it in return. It is not an obligation to return it.

My DD is going to be face with many challenges in her life. As a parent, I do have a obligation to teach my child what is right and wrong so it will bring her the most happiness. I can teach my child a very valuable lesson. When you love someone the right way, you will be loved back. When you don’t love someone the right way, you will not be loved in return in the right way.

My DD can make her own choices. She can be quality or not. She does not even have to respect me. But my value is she is going to respect the gifts I give or she is not going to get them. She should know my value and live with it anyway she wishes. I will choose to give those to the people who want to love me. And perhaps that is manipulation. A good manipulation.

Sending my DD into a Guilt trip.. A manipulation technic. If you do nothing around the house, accepting only gifts and not giving nothing in return and then say what I said. You might feel guilt. I “take” without giving in return. If you know you should be doing your part to contribute and you’re not, you might feel guilty. You don’t want to feel that way so you do it. Feelings are feelings. I cannot control my DD feelings. I cannot tell her how to feel. She doesn’t have to feel guilty. She can make the choice not too.. and do nothing. She just won’t get my gift. She can make that choice on her own. I will still love her. I did not mean to send her into guilt.


In our case, My W made it clear to my DD that living at home comes some responsibilities. I heard my W say it, but I didn’t say it. I agreed with my W in silence. It was my DD responsibility in exchange for living in our house. She might have known she was not doing anything and felt guilt. I know my DD felt no guilt. She said right away.. “Yes daddy, I will have time while studying to hit a few loads.” And she did it. The reality of this situation was my DD lived up to her responsibility with a reminder.

Perhaps a better way.. “Honey, In exchange for living free in our house, you must do laundry. Since I am gone and mom is sick, you do the laundry”. As a gift, I should expect nothing in return. So I agree with you Blobette. What I said was manipulation. But it was also designed to teach.

You and anyone on this public thread can have any opinion you wish. I am not going to say what I post is right for you.. and perhaps mistakes I make that are about me.

My opinion is that some manipulation is not a bad thing. You might not even like it. I am going to call it “positive manipulation” IMO, if you are positively influencing the other person and it is heartfelt and sincere… that is not a bad thing. The approach is for their advantage. In these cases, we are acting kindly, generously, or graciously with the net result will be them feeling good about themselves.

This kind of manipulation is strategically designed to turn misery and resistance into resolution.

Manipulative? Deceptive? Scheming? Downright dishonest? Well, all of the above can be said not good. Yet your idea is also clever, creative—and just maybe the single best strategy to get your friend to reevaluate his stubbornness. So it can hardly be maligned as simply immoral. Our spouses may be on a collision course to more misery but you’re behaving in a way that might best be described as caring and compassionate. Sure, your tactics are devious. Still, your motives are undoubtedly ethical—and practical as well.

How you say things are that important.

I read up on a variety of manipulation technics and it can be confusing.

- If someone shuts down, that is a manipulation technic. If you feel you are mistreated, then you run away, shut down without discussing.. you are a manipulator. The "silent treatment”. I have never been this kind of person. My W is this person.

- If you scare the hell out of someone, "fear-then-relief technique” Fear tactics. Blackmail.. You have sex with me and you are M, if you stop, then I will… Some AP do this.... Honest knows the fear someone puts you in... she is being manipulated.

- Triangulation: This is a common and effective tactic of a psychopath’s covert emotional manipulation. The manipulator introduces other women into the relationship in any way he can — by talking about a woman at work, talking about his ex girlfriends, flirting with other women in front of you, or comparing you unfavorably to another woman — just to hurt you, knock you off balance and make you jealous. In a normal relationship, a man will go out of his way to prove he’s trustworthy. The manipulator does just the opposite, and he enjoys watching your pain and angst. He is usually grooming his next target, who he conveniently uses to manipulate you devalue you.

- Lies.. We all lie at times. Lies of omission: A more subtle form of lying where a truth is left out if it’s not convenient. Yes, all A are manipulation.

- Projecting the Blame: Nothing is ever a fault, and he will always find some crafty way to find a scapegoat.

- Selective forgetting: The manipulator pretends he forgot something important he once said. If you feel the need to use a tape recorder when speaking with someone, covert emotional manipulation is at play.

- Diminishing and belittling your opinions and ideas non-verbally by using eye-rolls, scoffs, smug smiles, etc. There are plenty of variations.

- Hypnotism and trance induction: This is the most powerful manipulation tool a psychopath uses with his victim, and is related to charm.

- Not allowing negative emotion: The victim is typically chastised for emotional behavior. Manipulation.. Hey spouse, “don’t feel like that”

- Blaming the victim: This tactic is a powerful means of putting the victim on the defense while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the abuser.

- Denying/ Invalidating reality: Invalidating distorts or undermines the victim’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or will not acknowledge reality. I know this.. ALL A are manipulation.

Right now.. I am learning my W's manipulation technics on me so I can make sure I am not manipulated.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:57 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Walking
♀ Member
Member # 40102
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm back. It's been a few weeks. Dday in July. 3 year affair. Other Woman keeps trying to f-ing contact me. We are trying to reconcile I guess. My husband says when asked that he does not want to divorce. So here's my question today. Way back when I found out and hopped on this thread some wise people suggested that my husband might mourn his lost relationship. Not sure if that is what is going on but all I know is if I 180 my husband he's pissed, if I am nice to him he is distant. I am so pissed, and now it feels like my forgiveness is just being taken for granted. I don't think he is still with her, but who the hell am I to guess, he's been cheating for years. Clearly I am not married to the honest upstanding man I thought I was. In short his behavior has me waiting for the other shoe to drop and its really pissing me off. Aren't I the one who has earned the right to be un predictable and moody. Isn't he the one whose supposed to be reassuring me? Is he mourning the other woman? Why am I putting up with this BS?

[This message edited by Walking at 7:56 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Walking, welcome to our little corner of SI.

Your trauma is very recent. You have a lot to process with a LTA.

Because it's a LTA, you may consider IC for yourself to help you heal.

About the 180. If your WH is has not established NC and does not seem remorseful, then you do the 180.

BUT

If your WH seems like he is trying, there is a different twist on the 180 that works the best for YOUR healing.

We are so used to focusing on the WS, that we are not helping ourselves heal. That is the type of 180 you should be doing....focusing on you to heal. This does not mean you are withdrawing from the WS per se, but putting the balance back and allowing yourself to heal. You cannot control the WS. You can only control yourself. The WS can help you heal and the actions of the WS can interfere or aid your healing, but you have to help yourself heal. There is the 180.....instead of putting all your focus on HIM, put a lot on you, and this does not mean to be selfish, but to have a balance.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danni: I'm so sorry that you had to see the OW. It's so hard emotionally. I think you did a great job. I'm glad you came her to vent. Unfortunately, sometimes on the weekends it's slow here.
Keep coming and posting. BTW, your WH's reaction sucks big time, but unfortunately, so many of the WS's just don't seem to know what to do to help and make it worse because they are so full of guilt.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
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