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Newest Member: Trytoheal (45304)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Social event with xAPs BW
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear what you're saying, FH. This may well be a pissing contest instigated by the OM. Something very similar occurred between my now exBH and the OM as well.

However, it's only a short time since d-day. The couples were close friends. IMHO, respect should be shown to the BW. Avoiding social situations at this point seems both prudent and empathetic to the double betrayal that the BW experienced.

Re-establishing one's turf can and should occur in time. Two short months since d-day seems awfully soon (and unkind) to me.

Just my .02 from someone who lived this situation.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to be circumspect here but a few things strike me.

1. The signature which appeared on your previous posts indicated that dday was less than a month ago. (ETA. Miscalculated - 2 months ago).

2. You XAP and BH seem to have come to some kind of agreement but I see nothing about your XAP's BW being calm about the sich.

3. You and your BH seem to have settled to some degree. I don't understand how but from what you've said this appears to be the case.

4. A month out from dday I was a wreck. I also live in a small town and saw both OW2 and OW3 in the local mall several times within a couple of weeks of dday. To say this was upsetting would be an understatement of mammoth proportions.

5. I wonder do you have any empathy for the BW?

6. It appears you are now able to move on with your life. (Apart from the inconvenience of changing your days at the gym and your time to go to church). You are very fortunate.

[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:57 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FinallyHappy, you are right I didn't read her other thread. Most of the time I don't go and read posters other threads for the background info, I go by what is posted in the thread I am responding to. I do, however, most of the time, look at a person's profile page for some background info. None there.

That doesn't change the fact that I don't see where the "BW isn't playing nice."( I did read the other thread now.) And, it doesn't change the fact that it would be kind all the way around for everyone if Eponine doesn't go to the shower. Is it fair? I don't know, but I do know it isn't fair to fuck someone else's husband.

I agree that the MOM sounds like a real "bully" basically. And, they are wrong to not go to the closest gym/rec center (MOM & BW), although they may have just as good reasons for what they do as does Eponine. I don't know why the BW would want to put herself in that position.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9792 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, Hope.

Avoiding social situations at this point seems both prudent and empathetic to the double betrayal that the BW experienced.

Oh, I totally agree. :) She should not *evah* be in the same airspace. :)

But at what point does the BH become 'as important'? I just get the feeling that her BH wants 'her' to be the one to stand up to 'them' instead of him.

That's my problem with the whole thing.

She's rather caught in a catch22.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS's...please note that the stop sign has been added and this thread is now closed off to WS only replies.

Also, it's not that any of you did anything wrong, we Mods just feel that this is a very triggery topic and we'd rather not flag any of you.

Thank you.

HI FH and Hope!!!!

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 8:07 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That doesn't change the fact that I don't see where the "BW isn't playing nice."( I did read the other thread now.) And, it doesn't change the fact that it would be kind all the way around for everyone if Eponine doesn't go to the shower. Is it fair? I don't know, but I do know it isn't fair to fuck someone else's husband.

I agree. I just think she's kinda caught in between her BH and her reality right now.

Should she go? Of course not.

I'd rather her BH punched Mr. Big shot in the throat.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FH
DS


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI FH and Hope!!!!

Hi love(s)!

~~~~~~~
T/J:

DS, I know I owe you a PM.

Bad stuff happened with Matti last summer right after we were talking. He's okay!!! Rather miraculous! Then Daddy died. I'm just sort of 'getting back'. :)

End T/J!

~~~~~~


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((FH)))

You know I'm always here for you...whenever you're ready to talk


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry! I cross-posted with the stop sign.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:53 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8827 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do.

I've known you for, what? 14(?) years now?

Quite frankly, I've known you longer than I've known anyone else. Including Don. He thinks that's rather cool.

It's just hard when people start dying, as I know you know because of your mom.

I'm coming around.

Your pool is absolutely gorgeous, and MH rocks as always.

~~~~~~

Must apologize to the rest of you. I really don't do 'PM's' well.

It must be a boundary thing.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell Don I said HI!

Isn't it funny how far back we go? I think it's wonderful

I'm really sorry about the loss of your dad, I truly understand what you're going through. The void is huge.

(((FH)))


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all:
I'm grateful for each person's reply.

I'm still learning how to post and reply here, and haven't figured out how to respond to individual posts.

I've gotta take our DD to rowing, then will come back to read all the thread and reply.




Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why'd you delete/edit your posts out? Don't like being called to the rug?

Look, doesn't really matter if your husband is the Archangel Michael and he's totally cool with you frolicking at every social event in the county. You still owe the AP's BS courtesy and kindness. You did after all, fuck her husband...

This seems to be a giant pissing contest complete with foot stomping and, "Mine. I was here fiiiiiirst." Even if the AP is a complete douchebag, you still owe the AP's BS respect.

Why do you not care about the other BS? Why do her feelings not come into the equation?

Do you think she deserves to be betrayed? Do you think she somehow deserves for this to be her life?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6287 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JustDone
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eponine, do you still want to go, knowing that BW will be there?

Not what do your kids want, or your BH wants, or xAP wants, or your mutual new-mother friend wants - even what the BW wants.

What do you want to do?

I think I'd rather have stuck pins in my eyes the first few months after D'day than be near BW. I wouldn't have known at all what to say and how to say it.

She (understandably) hasn't forgiven you, is terribly hurt and still furious if she wants a restraining order filed because you are going to your own (pre-A) gym.

How would you deal with being in the same room with her? Ignore her? Wave a little 'hello' across the room? Say you're sorry at the buffet table? Take it out to the backyard? Think about it.

I fear this will blow up. I just don't see how being in the same room right now is going to help anyone: kids, guests, BW, baby, mutual friends, you, etc...


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2795 | Registered: Feb 2006
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eponine - I think it's ok to go. Your BH thinks it's ok. The BW RSVPed knowing you were going. There are no surprises.

Take the BW's lead in how to behave: engage in conversation if she seeks you out, etc. Just be prepared to leave if she wants you to leave.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6100 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eponine,

Since you BH has no issue if you go I think it's entirely up to you and what you are comfortable with....also maybe ask your daughters what they would like to do and how they feel about it.
If the BW wife knows you are going to be there and still said she is going to go, she must be ok with it to a certain extent.

My situation is similar to yours because like it or not, I still see my xAP and his BW (although she doesn't know) on a regular basis. It's very uncomfortable, but in some situations (both professional and social) I think people need to just suck it up and deal with it....just because you will be in the same place doesn't mean you will have to talk to each other.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 868 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's ok to go. Your BH thinks it's ok. The BW RSVPed knowing you were going. There are no surprises.

I agree with this...but also be prepared for the possibility that the BW is setting you up to cause a scene or publicly call you out/humiliate you in front of your other mutual friends.

How do your daughters feel about going?


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2221 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to a baby shower for a mutual friend of mine and OP about 2 months after DDay. OP was single, so a little different.

I went because I wanted to see OP. I was hoping my BH would go and I was hoping for a confrontation between them.

My BH, mature that he is, opted out.

I went. OP ignored me. I felt like a douche.

I made it all about me. It was not about supporting my friend. I was being a shitty friend.

What's my point?

Be honest about your motivations for going. Unless this is your best friend having a baby shower, I have a sneaking suspicion that your intent on going is related to a desire for drama.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, FINALLY on a PC which is easier to use for replies than the iPad...I am going to try to address various comments.

"If what you, Eponine, say is true about the invites being online and all...then the BW accepted quite a while after you accepted, knowing you'll be there? I'd avoid *that* like a plague. It sounds to me like they're trying to start something or set you up."

I would be surprised if that was the case. My thinking is that she didn't even register that I had already RSVP'd. However, I have no idea if she'd try to make a scene, though I'd doubt it.

"I think your BH needs to make clear to your AP that he will be exposed unless HE backs off."

BH chose not to respond to xAPs earlier requests made during their mtg two weeks ago. He had told xAP that he was unable to agree to the requests made and also could not promise there would be any further contact/replies.

"I'm smelling testosterone, not estrogen. And why the heck does it seem like your H is so intimidated by someone who screwed his wife? I think *he* needs to set down some laws to Mr. Bigshot."

I am not sensing intimidation, but you could have a point. I think BH now sees that no contact FOR ALL OF US is the best way to go.

"To me, it sounds like her AP is dictating the 'laws' to her BH, who somehow feels subservient to her AP."

BH doesn't feel 'less than' xAP.

"I rather doubt that the BW is driving this bullshit. She's complaining to 'it' (the OM), and he's trying to dictate the 'rules' to Ep's BH."

Our view is that BW is very angry (which she has every right to be!) and her anger means xAP has to cope with her anger/mood swings, etc...and his way of trying to minimize things is to ask us to stay away so he can "create a bubble around her so she can heal."

"IMO, her BH has as many rights and expectations as the BW. He has as much right not to see or deal with 'it's' family, as her AP's BW does."

So far, seeing or talking to my xAP is not triggery for my BH...I don't know how come that is. He IS clear that he isn't going to rearrange his or his family's life at the demand of others.

"It sounds to me that she's trying to do what her BH wants."

Yes. This.

"Unfortunately, it's going to take her BH to lay the law down. I hope he does."

Do you think he needs to send some kind of NC letter or just let things be as there's been no contact for 13 days. ?

(I hope I quoted correctly)



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 55
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