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Newest Member: Devestatedbeyond (44583)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Social event with xAPs BW
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Think of the lady with the baby! It really isn't about you or the AP's BW. It really and honestly is not about this affair at all. It's about celebrating a new life and an expanded family.
If anything - anything at all - were to erupt there...even noticeable tension, it creates a sideshow. That's on you. And, I would even say it's on the AP's BW. Put your friend with the baby first. She's most important on this day, in this event. Stay away."

This is a great point. Thank you for reminding me of where the focus should be. (!)

Our two older dds are not interested in attending, but our younger 12 yo dd is...she and the dd of the other couple were really good buddies.

Since I just served as doula to the momma on Sunday-Monday when she labored and birthed, and due to the replies here, I have already decided to stay away. (But I will bring the food items I promised to bring, the day before the party.)



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"1. The signature which appeared on your previous posts indicated that dday was less than a month ago. (ETA. Miscalculated - 2 months ago)."

ONS was 4/13-14. DDay was 4/15. DDay#2 was 5/26 and was me telling BH that xAP and I had had email and cell contact on 4/16, 4/17, and 4/18...showed him those emails and cell records.

"2. Your XAP and BH seem to have come to some kind of agreement but I see nothing about your XAP's BW being calm about the sich."
From what BH was told by xAP, she is far from calm.

"3. You and your BH seem to have settled to some degree. I don't understand how but from what you've said this appears to be the case."
This is true and I don't understand how, either, but I am grateful for it.

"4. A month out from dday I was a wreck. I also live in a small town and saw both OW2 and OW3 in the local mall several times within a couple of weeks of dday. To say this was upsetting would be an understatement of mammoth proportions."
I can only imagine what this must or could be like for xAPs BW.

"5. I wonder do you have any empathy for the BW?"
I have hurt her beyond measure. Thanks to me, she is dealing with a double betrayal. I cannot empathize with her as fully as I'd want b/c I have never been in her situation, but I can imagine the pain, and it hurts tremendously. I took our friendship, our shared memories and experiences, our family connections and stomped all over them.

"6. It appears you are now able to move on with your life. (Apart from the inconvenience of changing your days at the gym and your time to go to church). You are very fortunate."

Agreed.



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Eponine, do you still want to go, knowing that BW will be there? Not what do your kids want, or your BH wants, or xAP wants, or your mutual new-mother friend wants - even what the BW wants. What do you want to do?"

I am not going. It's not worth it and I have been blessed already to have been with the momma and her family at her homebirth three days ago and have seen baby twice since.

"I think I'd rather have stuck pins in my eyes the first few months after D'day than be near BW. I wouldn't have known at all what to say and how to say it."

I agree that I wouldn't know what to say or how...

"She (understandably) hasn't forgiven you, is terribly hurt and still furious if she wants a restraining order filed because you are going to your own (pre-A) gym."

Yes. Her anger is completely justified.

"How would you deal with being in the same room with her? Ignore her? Wave a little 'hello' across the room? Say you're sorry at the buffet table? Take it out to the backyard? Think about it."

Done. And you are right. There's no good answer to any of those questions AND the greater good is all about the new mom and new baby and celebrating them.

"I fear this will blow up. I just don't see how being in the same room right now is going to help anyone: kids, guests, BW, baby, mutual friends, you, etc..."

You are right again...not helpful on any level...to anyone.



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with this...but also be prepared for the possibility that the BW is setting you up to cause a scene or publicly call you out/humiliate you in front of your other mutual friends.

How do your daughters feel about going?

I had not considered her setting me up...she and xAP have far more to lose if this A goes public, but who knows, you may well be right!

Two oldest DD prefer not to attend...15yo was honorary godchild to xAP and his BW and babysat for them weekly for three years, so losses for her are multiple. 18yo DD is simply disinterested in attending shower. 12 yo DD wants to go...she is very much missing spending every Tuesday with the DD of the other couple...and that kiddo will be present @ the shower.

ETA a couple of missing letters

[This message edited by Eponine at 10:45 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you decided not to go.

There is no reason to feed the drama llama, especially since you were all close friends.

Do you think he needs to send some kind of NC letter or just let things be as there's been no contact for 13 days. ?

Usually the WS sends the NC letter, not the BS. You guys are SO new to this. Perhaps you could ask your BH if you should send a NC letter? (read, approved, and sent by your BH) to Mr. Bigshot.

I'm not sure here, actually. I'll let those more experienced than I answer the question.

[This message edited by FinallyHappy at 5:58 AM, June 14th (Friday)]


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7323 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<knock knock>

Now that you are finally understanding that *you* did this?

What are you doing to figure out why?

At some point your husband is going to be REALLY pissed off.

Right now he's distracted by all the shit.

That won't last, so I recommend that you try and figure out who you are?


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7323 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Usually the WS sends the NC letter, not the BS. You guys are SO new to this. Perhaps you could ask your BH if you should send a NC letter? (read, approved, and sent by your BH) to Mr. Bigshot.

Right, that's what I understand...I just wonder if it's still worth doing since xAP and I haven't had contact since 4/18 OR if BH should send something since he's the one who's had periodic contact with both of them OR if he/we should just leave things be.



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Now that you are finally understanding that *you* did this?

What are you doing to figure out why?

-Discussion and dialogue with BH
-Therapy (IC w/EMDR)
-Lots (!!!) of reading
-Journaling
-Retrouvaille
-Digging in to FOO issues
-Continuing to process the impact of our children's deaths on choices I made/make



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
JustDone
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suggest you leave things be, unless either one of them contacts either one of you again.

If they do any more contact then you can send them a NC letter.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2781 | Registered: Feb 2006
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I suggest you leave things be, unless either one of them contacts either one of you again.
If they do any more contact then you can send them a NC letter.

That's the way I'm leaning...



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OR if BH should send something since he's the one who's had periodic contact with both of them OR if he/we should just leave things be

What does your H say? What does he want?

At some point you're going to have to stop worrying about rocking the boat (and I totally understand where you are), and address these issues with him.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7323 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


What does your H say? What does he want?

At some point you're going to have to stop worrying about rocking the boat (and I totally understand where you are), and address these issues with him.

He's fine with things as they are now. When he met with xAP two weeks ago tonight, he went into it thinking that NC (for all) was going to be the best option, which is why, when OM insisted that my BH call to let him know what we "prayerfully discerned" about going/not going to the rec center, my BH told him, "I can't promise you we won't be there at certain times and in fact, this may be our last contact...I'm not even sure I'll be calling you again."
In our own conversations, he's made it clear that NC is best...
(Edited to correct typo)

[This message edited by Eponine at 9:13 AM, June 14th (Friday)]



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotcha.

Then I'd send the NC letter. (Both of you).


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7323 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because:

M insisted that my BH call to let him know what we "prayerfully discerned" about going/not going to the rec center, my BH told him, "I can't promise you we won't be there at certain times and in fact, this may be our last contact...I'm not even sure I'll be calling you again."

I think (although I'd prefer that your BH chopped off his dangly bits ), your H may be waiting for YOU to be proactive. If not? That's okay. It's totally up to the both of you.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7323 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Eponine
♀ New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I think (although I'd prefer that your BH chopped off his dangly bits ), your H may be waiting for YOU to be proactive. If not? That's okay. It's totally up to the both of you.

I just asked BH again...he's clear that no further contact is best...it took us a week to recover from the last contact...pot-stirring and all that.
So, unless they initiate, in which case I'll send a NCL, we're NC.

Edited to correct glaring grammatical error.

[This message edited by Eponine at 9:44 AM, June 14th (Friday)]



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 55
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