No one here has ever successfully "niced" their WS back to the marriage. There is NO waiting it out. Those who have tried, ultimately come back to admit they were mistaken. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.
My FWH continued to see ow after Dday 1. I became the perfect wife - admitted and corrected my faults which contributed to a dysfunctional relationship. For an entire month - until dday2 when I discovered the continued contact. You can read the details in my profile...but I calmly admitted defeat - accepted that I could not continue to live my life with being a 3rd party in my own marriage and calmly and compassionately, laid out my plans for divorce. I shared with him how we'd manage it financially and a timeline for selling the house. I shared my concerns that we not let it get ugly and keep our lawyers in check... He was dumbfounded - desperate ...he knew he was about to lose his marriage. He knew I was dead serious.
He snapped out of thickest part of the fog within hours. Within 24 hours, he'd arranged a 6 week leave from work, sent a NC text, surrendered his phone and set up MC. 9 months later - our marriage is moving forward, we are happy and I am healing from the betrayal. My H said he wished I had taken a hard line on Dday 1.
This would not be the case if I had waited patiently for him to get over her or decide on his own. He was addicted to the high of the A and her ego stroking. The only way to quit an addiction is cold turkey and unless there's motivation and hard consequences - there's no reason to go through that pain.
I had to risk losing my marriage and giving him to her. I had no idea if he would leave and move in with her or stay and do the hard work. But I was willing to accept whatever outcome came out of it. Either way....I was done with the affair - with him or without him.
You deserve better. Pull up your bitch boots and take back control of your life. It's scary - I know that...but the feeling of empowerment is worth it.
Keep reading and posting. Whatever you decide, you are not alone...we're here to see you through. As I was told my first post here...I don't know if you're marriage will survive this...but YOU WILL!
Your son is learning how to treat his wife by watching How you are treated by your WH. Your daughter is learning how to find a man that will treat her like Daddy treated Mommy.
Does this help?
[This message edited by TXwifemom at 5:51 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]
As others have said, please be sure and read up on the 180. The 180 is for you and for your strength.
Keep going and keep growing stronger. Keep posting, there are some really smart folks here who can help you and support you. You will get through this.
Welcome to The Day You Take Your Life Back.
I'm sorry you are going through this. When you come down off the adrenaline rush you are probably on right now, you are likely going to second guess yourself and wonder if you have done the right thing. You have.
There's a lot of material here that can help you with your next steps (see links below). I encourage you to read all of it like it is an instruction manual for how to begin healing from the A because that is exactly what it is. Post often. There are wonderful people here and enough of us that you will always find someone who has gone through a similar crisis.
Boundaries and Consequences 101:
Setting Healthy Boundaries:
Before You Say Reconcile:
Understanding the 180:
Great Posts for Newbies to Read:
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
[This message edited by Fighting2Survive at 8:40 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]
So i just gave him his own DDAY!! i just flat out told him to chose and chose now!! If he wanted to be here then he had to tell her immediatly or leave!! he said he couldn't believe that i had put up with it that long and that he didn't know what to do and wanted to stay in the travel trailer!!
^^^ Proof that he was keeping you as plan B.
You better have made it clear that by not choosing to stay in the home and go completely NC with OW that he has chosen OW and you will be filing for divorce on Monday.
Moving in to the travel trailer is simply his attempt at keeping both of you going. If he was chosing you he would be in the home and going NC with OW.
Now is the time for you to go completely NC on him. Monday see a lawyer.
The WS needs to see the reality of their sitch. I explained it to my H this way....
Say I'm meeting 80% of his needs...but something is lacking ...along come a gutter slut and she starts farting her rainbows and glitter. Suddenly WS has everything he wants. He feels 100%. And he thinks...my life is perfect now that I've found my gutter slut! SHE is perfect - SHE makes me happy! They forget that she's only making up a small part of what is making him complete. Once you take away your 80% - then reality sets in.
Don't be surprised once you go no contact with him - that he sees his broken empty life not as pleasing as it was with you in it. Hopefully by then, you haven't realized how happy YOU feel without him in it!!!
Just a warning...you'll hit a low once the adrenaline wears off. Come here, share your feelings and we'll support you through it.
Congrats on taking back control. Those bitch boots look damn good on you!!
he said he couldn't believe that i had put up with it that long and that he didn't know what to do and wanted to stay in the travel trailer!
I'm so sorry. You are doing the right thing.
Don't second guess yourself after this. If he's gone all you've lost is a heartless cheater. The man you knew isn't there anymore.
If he asks to come back then he needs to earn his way back through immediate and clear NC expressing remorse for the A and gratitude for you and the M. He needs to be honest and transparent. Go to IC and MC...one that is skilled in infidelity recovery. That's to start with...otherwise we've seen WS leave, come back, leave. The yoyo tortures the BS.
Either way, you've made the right choice. Sharing your spouse is pure torture. When you feel weak, think of the cruelty of any man who can look at the woman he claims to love yet still go out on dates.