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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He can't seem to have NC
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What everyone has said is spot on diver. As you get to know SI better, you'll find out it is a pro-reconciliation support site. But both parties have to want it enough to fight for it.

No one here has ever successfully "niced" their WS back to the marriage. There is NO waiting it out. Those who have tried, ultimately come back to admit they were mistaken. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

My FWH continued to see ow after Dday 1. I became the perfect wife - admitted and corrected my faults which contributed to a dysfunctional relationship. For an entire month - until dday2 when I discovered the continued contact. You can read the details in my profile...but I calmly admitted defeat - accepted that I could not continue to live my life with being a 3rd party in my own marriage and calmly and compassionately, laid out my plans for divorce. I shared with him how we'd manage it financially and a timeline for selling the house. I shared my concerns that we not let it get ugly and keep our lawyers in check... He was dumbfounded - desperate ...he knew he was about to lose his marriage. He knew I was dead serious.

He snapped out of thickest part of the fog within hours. Within 24 hours, he'd arranged a 6 week leave from work, sent a NC text, surrendered his phone and set up MC. 9 months later - our marriage is moving forward, we are happy and I am healing from the betrayal. My H said he wished I had taken a hard line on Dday 1.

This would not be the case if I had waited patiently for him to get over her or decide on his own. He was addicted to the high of the A and her ego stroking. The only way to quit an addiction is cold turkey and unless there's motivation and hard consequences - there's no reason to go through that pain.

I had to risk losing my marriage and giving him to her. I had no idea if he would leave and move in with her or stay and do the hard work. But I was willing to accept whatever outcome came out of it. Either way....I was done with the affair - with him or without him.

You deserve better. Pull up your bitch boots and take back control of your life. It's scary - I know that...but the feeling of empowerment is worth it.

Keep reading and posting. Whatever you decide, you are not alone...we're here to see you through. As I was told my first post here...I don't know if you're marriage will survive this...but YOU WILL!


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
TXwifemom
♀ Member
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amputate the dead limb before it causes your death.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
TXwifemom
♀ Member
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, your kids are learning how to get treated by their spouse.

Your son is learning how to treat his wife by watching How you are treated by your WH. Your daughter is learning how to find a man that will treat her like Daddy treated Mommy.

Does this help?

[This message edited by TXwifemom at 5:51 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]


Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divergurl
So, Diver, how exactly did you play a part . . . .you made him feel un-needed? Let me guess, he told you this. Did he ever come to you and say . .hey Divergurl, you make me feel unloved, un-needed, letís talk about it? Was he perfect to you always too? Did you go out and find another man to dick around with? Would he agree for you to keep seeing a man you were in love with while you pretend to be his wife?
No, seriously, would he keep you if he found out you had an affair?? Or would he crucify you?
Ask yourself these things honestly.
Isnít he making you feel un Ė loved right now?
Would you want a man torturing you daughter like this when she is married?
Did you say . . . whenever we are having issues, we are allowed to date other people?
When you guys agreed to get married, is this what you were signing up for? I bet back then you were of the attitude that . . .if I get cheated on, Iím out of there. Then years go by, children enter the picture, time and emotions are invested and itís not so easy to walk away. Find that girl who would not have tolerated being cheated on.
You did not push him to her, get that in your head, unless you said . . . . go find another woman to love.
He is manipulating you, using your feelings of love and fear of losing him against you, subjecting you to emotional abuse and not only betraying you but his kids also.
You need to stand up, believe in yourself and ask him to leave. He is humiliating you. Tell him when he goes to meet with her, not to come back. Prepare yourself financially. Tell your family so you have support.
TELL HIM TO LEAVE YOU ALONE, TO GO BE WITH HIS WHORE.
No one, NO ONE, deserves this special kind of hell he is putting you through.



But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 586 | Registered: Mar 2003
divergurl
♀ New Member
Member # 39480
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your support!! i thought i was going to go crazy!! So i just gave him his own DDAY!! i just flat out told him to chose and chose now!! If he wanted to be here then he had to tell her immediatly or leave!! he said he couldn't believe that i had put up with it that long and that he didn't know what to do and wanted to stay in the travel trailer!! i said fine but take it with you!! he is packing his shit right now!!! I am shit ass scared, but at least i FEEL better than i have in weeks!! Thank you all so much for giving me the kick in the ass i needed!!


Me BW 37
WH 38
OW 40+ never married desprate cow
Married 9yrs together 14
DDay may 6/2013
2 kids 7 & 3
Recovery started june 11/13

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: bc, canada
Jpapageorge
♂ Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for standing up for yourself, it is the first step in reclaiming your life.

As others have said, please be sure and read up on the 180. The 180 is for you and for your strength.

Keep going and keep growing stronger. Keep posting, there are some really smart folks here who can help you and support you. You will get through this.


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1726 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicely played, Divergurl. Stick to your guns. Scared is better than abused - which is really what is happening here. He is emotionally taking advantage of you - or was until you kicked his ass out.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((divergurl)))

Welcome to The Day You Take Your Life Back.

I'm sorry you are going through this. When you come down off the adrenaline rush you are probably on right now, you are likely going to second guess yourself and wonder if you have done the right thing. You have.

There's a lot of material here that can help you with your next steps (see links below). I encourage you to read all of it like it is an instruction manual for how to begin healing from the A because that is exactly what it is. Post often. There are wonderful people here and enough of us that you will always find someone who has gone through a similar crisis.


Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051


Boundaries and Consequences 101:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631


Setting Healthy Boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851


Before You Say Reconcile:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548


Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785


Great Posts for Newbies to Read:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duplicate post.

[This message edited by Fighting2Survive at 8:40 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So i just gave him his own DDAY!! i just flat out told him to chose and chose now!! If he wanted to be here then he had to tell her immediatly or leave!! he said he couldn't believe that i had put up with it that long and that he didn't know what to do and wanted to stay in the travel trailer!!

^^^ Proof that he was keeping you as plan B.

You better have made it clear that by not choosing to stay in the home and go completely NC with OW that he has chosen OW and you will be filing for divorce on Monday.

Moving in to the travel trailer is simply his attempt at keeping both of you going. If he was chosing you he would be in the home and going NC with OW.

Now is the time for you to go completely NC on him. Monday see a lawyer.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 830 | Registered: Jun 2012
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you Diver...like I have to tell the kids sometimes...make your choice or I choose for you!

The WS needs to see the reality of their sitch. I explained it to my H this way....

Say I'm meeting 80% of his needs...but something is lacking ...along come a gutter slut and she starts farting her rainbows and glitter. Suddenly WS has everything he wants. He feels 100%. And he thinks...my life is perfect now that I've found my gutter slut! SHE is perfect - SHE makes me happy! They forget that she's only making up a small part of what is making him complete. Once you take away your 80% - then reality sets in.

Don't be surprised once you go no contact with him - that he sees his broken empty life not as pleasing as it was with you in it. Hopefully by then, you haven't realized how happy YOU feel without him in it!!!

Just a warning...you'll hit a low once the adrenaline wears off. Come here, share your feelings and we'll support you through it.

Congrats on taking back control. Those bitch boots look damn good on you!!


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he said he couldn't believe that i had put up with it that long and that he didn't know what to do and wanted to stay in the travel trailer!

I'm so sorry. You are doing the right thing.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 493 | Registered: Apr 2009
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Divergurl)))

Don't second guess yourself after this. If he's gone all you've lost is a heartless cheater. The man you knew isn't there anymore.

If he asks to come back then he needs to earn his way back through immediate and clear NC expressing remorse for the A and gratitude for you and the M. He needs to be honest and transparent. Go to IC and MC...one that is skilled in infidelity recovery. That's to start with...otherwise we've seen WS leave, come back, leave. The yoyo tortures the BS.

Either way, you've made the right choice. Sharing your spouse is pure torture. When you feel weak, think of the cruelty of any man who can look at the woman he claims to love yet still go out on dates.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11115 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Topic Posts: 33
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