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User Topic: I need some opinions on this...
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Stop  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I need some opinions on a situation, from all you fabulous Waywards!

I regularly attend 12 step meetings. I encounter a lot of people, mostly men. (The stats are something like 70% men in my fellowship)

Last Monday I noticed that I felt relieved that a specific guy (let's call him P) wasn't there. Which made huge clanging alarm bells go off in my head.

So I began thinking. I do find him a bit attractive. Not overwhelmingly, just a bit. I have never gone up to him and tried to make conversation...never even occurred to me. It would have been easy to justify talking to him, we are on the same step, and he's new to our area. I know this by what he's shared on the floor.

So here is a run down of our interactions:

P's been coming around for a few months. After hearing him share I had the thought Chicho might like this guy, and left it at that in my head.
However, I thought that Chicho and AP2 would get along. (AP2 was an old friend I reconnected with via FB)


Two weeks ago Monday he pulled into a meeting right after me and came up to say hi to me and someone else and inform me that he was behind me for most of my drive. I responded with someone along the lines of "oh, ok". I also asked him to hand out our key tags.

Then Wed, at a meeting I chose not to sit next to him at a meeting.
Afterwards I was standing alone, feeling vulnerable. I've been approached by a specific man before when standing alone, and he was there. I really didn't want that creeper coming up to me so I whipped out my phone and pretended to look at it, Until I spotted someone who my BS and I have decided is a FOM, and I scooted over there.
P was standing there too, we said hello, I met a woman P was talking to and then talked with the FOM (who is a guy).

When I went to leave P mentioned that he hasn't seen me at night meetings and asked if I worked nights. I then launched into a thing about being a stay at home mom, and that Chicho works and we both need to attend meetings.

SOOOOOO last Monday I brought all this up to Chicho. This was a huge step for me. I had a bit of anxiety, not knowing what would happen. We talked about it for a while and I felt so good for being able to tell him.

I've given some thought to what is it I find attractive... Is it physical?
Is it that he reminds me of someone else who was a friend to Chicho and I?
Is it a part of his personality that I pick up on?

I know that it is unrealistic to expect myself to not ever find anyone else attractive ever again. It took me by surprise though. It hasn't happened in 18 months. I mean I see attractive people, but no alarm bells have gone off.

That I even noticed is huge for me.
That I brought it up to my BS, having no idea how he would react in huge for me.

A note: I do really try to stick with talking with women after meetings.
A lot of times I will stand alone, or leave if I can't.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it because HE has taken such a specific interest and notice of you?

Seems he is going out of his way to notice you, you may be picking up on that and trying to figure out how you feel about that.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4957 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks like you are doing well with this situation. You are able to observe your thoughts and feelings about this person and are able to act to keep your boundaries. Most of all, you are able to share this with your BS. Congratulations! Keep on this course. Be safe and be well.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broevil, that's awesome that you were able to put it all together.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 800 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it because HE has taken such a specific interest and notice of you?
Seems he is going out of his way to notice you, you may be picking up on that and trying to figure out how you feel about that.

I've thought about this. I don't pay attention to how he interacts with others, so i don't know if I'm being singled out!

Grains... Thanks!
Since you brought up boundaries, my BS and I were talking about weather or not I gave out too much info...being a SAHM and all.

KB... Thanks!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as you are constantly observing your boundaries you are giving the information needed to maintain that. You will be fine. Please keep up the good work.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've thought about this. I don't pay attention to how he interacts with others, so i don't know if I'm being singled out!

A cool side effect with healthy strong boundaries is the "who gives a fuck" effect.

Not only are you not concerned what others think, but that attitude is picked up by others.

I don't think you find him attractive I think you feel the need for external validation and you know he would be a willing partner. With the journey your on you are trying to figure out how this new recognition fits in your new healthier world. The answer is it doesn't. Strong boundaries, validating self that is the jist of it. When things don't fit, its because either the situation or you are not healthy.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been a recovering addict/alcoholic for 30yrs. Over these 30yrs I can honestly say that 12 step meetings are a breeding ground for affairs.

Although my A was not with a fellow 12 stepper, I made the choice to protect my spouse by not attending meetings unless she is with me (open meetings) or I attend men only meetings in my area.

This eliminates my wife's doubts and triggers.

Decide what boundaries will work for you and your spouse and put them in place.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you feel the need for external validation

Bingo! There is a little more to the story. I handed P the key tags, the day I was getting one. In my fellowship we get hugs with our key tags.

I left that out because, as much as I don't want to admit it, I wanted validation.
I wanted pats on the back.
I want to be healthier than I am.
I don't want to want external validation and have been telling myself that I don't need it anymore. But in reality I'm not there yet. As Chicho said this morning, I'm right where I am supposed to be. It's a common phrase in our 12 step fellowship. And it's true...
But it's really frustrating I so badly want to be better, further along than I am. I want to stop hurting my BS and myself.
I know I'm a hell of a lot healthier than I was. I'm not wallowing in self pity about this...like I used to!

It's time to reinforce my boundaries.

And be okay with where I am.

Card... we only have one Women's meeting in our area, and I make it when I can


[This message edited by broevil at 10:53 AM, June 9th (Sunday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you working on how you are going to reinforce those boundaries?

And also how are you working on getting that validation internally?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4957 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you working on how you are going to reinforce those boundaries?


I thought I had them down, and I don't.

I need some help!!
I started reading Not Just Friends. I hope that will help.
I can start by going back to not hugging any men at meetings.
Any help or suggestions would be great!

And also how are you working on getting that validation internally?

Internal validation comes from doing positive things.
Reading, doing stepwork, not being lazy.
Being active with the kids, getting things accomplished.
Reaching out to women in our fellowship.

Any suggestions here?



FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say going back to not hugging men at meetings, what caused you to slip that boundary. And I do think that is a very good boundary to have.

What do you do for yourself that you are good at?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4957 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any suggestions here?

I've found some success with positive self-talk: reminders to myself that I am OK, I am responsible for my own choices, happiness, behaviors, etc., I am 'enough' by and for myself, I am a strong and capable person, I've done good work on myself and my boundaries, and so forth. My Love Language from others is words of affirmation; I've found that that extends to my Love Language within myself as well---verbal validation of myself helps me create a positive narrative for myself to keep motivated toward continual self-improvement.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It became a blurry line around hugging men who are FOM.
I need it cut and dry either I do or don't.


Yoga, Yoga sculpt (it's like a barre class, super hard)

Gardening

Making things

Reading

HB thanks for bringing up the love languages, mine are gifts and quality time.
I got an hour alone yesterday. I used it to start Not just Friends, and post on here and it was awesome.
Maybe I should buy myself more presents

[This message edited by broevil at 8:44 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Lilypad
♀ Member
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been a recovering addict/alcoholic for 30yrs. Over these 30yrs I can honestly say that 12 step meetings are a breeding ground for affairs.
Although my A was not with a fellow 12 stepper, I made the choice to protect my spouse by not attending meetings unless she is with me (open meetings) or I attend men only meetings in my area.

This eliminates my wife's doubts and triggers.

Decide what boundaries will work for you and your spouse and put them in place.

Congrats on 30 years! That is awesome. I am coming up to 11 months can't imagine 30 years!

This is a very good point. I only go to woman AA meetings. Too much crap goes on in the mixed ones as far as I am concerned. One woman told me she actually has had guys ask her to go out for beers.

I also do Women for Sobriety meetings. You might want to see if these meetings are available in your area.


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t-j

I've found some success with positive self-talk: reminders to myself that I am OK, I am responsible for my own choices, happiness, behaviors, etc., I am 'enough' by and for myself, I am a strong and capable person, I've done good work on myself and my boundaries, and so forth. My Love Language from others is words of affirmation; I've found that that extends to my Love Language within myself as well---verbal validation of myself helps me create a positive narrative for myself to keep motivated toward continual self-improvement.

I'm so stealing this. Thank you, heartbroken0903!

/t-j


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 800 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ My IC loved this too!

Liliypad, there is one.

The issue isn't so much what meetings I go to.
Hell I had an A, in a previous relationship, with someone I met at the grocery store. An AP can be found anywhere.
I want to protect myself from it happening again. I want rock solid boundaries.

The issue is needing help with boundaries. I guess I'm wondering what works for others.

[This message edited by broevil at 1:41 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So if you can have an affair with someone you met in a grocery store, tell me how that started for you. From the beginning. Because there is a boundary there that you are over stepping. Every time, that should not get stepped over. And I am trying to determine if it is that you are giving out a vibe still or you are not shutting others down properly. Could be both.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4957 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Topic Posts: 18

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