Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: WishingINeverLooked

Just Found Out :
Before The Affair

This Topic is Archived
default

 MammaMia (original poster member #34030) posted at 3:43 AM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

Before the affair: if somebody had asked you what you would do if you ever suspected or found out that your spouse has an affair, what would you have said?

Did you ever think that you would have reacted the way you actually did?

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

posts: 966   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2011   ·   location: Somewhere in the South
id 6366937
default

Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 3:53 AM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

I would have said that I would have dropped him like a hot rock.

Actually, I used to daydream about him cheating on me so I could have a ticket out of our dysfunctional marriage that didn't make me the bad guy.

This whole experience has been an eye-opening, live changing event. I try to never ever judge people making life decisions, especially if I've never been in their shoes.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6366944
default

HeartInADustpan ( member #38341) posted at 3:53 AM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

I would have (and HAVE) said "I'd leave just like I did with XWH#1. My DS and I deserve better than a low-life, cheating sleazeball."

**sigh**

Talk about feelings of self betrayal.

Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

posts: 379   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2013   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6366945
default

Josephine01 ( member #38511) posted at 3:55 AM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

Never, ever would have thought that I would have stayed, that alone, began trying to win him back. I still don't believe I did that. Now I'm not so much trying to win him back, or worried about if he runs back. Cause if he does it's OVER. But, I can't believe I am still here.

Me, 47 BS
H, 65 WH
2 boys 23 and 18 years old
Married 24 years

posts: 524   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2013
id 6366948
default

Jospehine85 ( member #35971) posted at 4:10 AM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

Some things aren't predictable.

Before I would have said, "throw him out".

But I discovered the A via skype sex chats 5 days before he was meeting her for at a conference they both attend for a 9 day sex holiday and a coming out as a couple to their peers.

They had been planning our divorce and where they would live. They had even worked out how often they would be willing to take our kids (no more then 2 weekends a month, they wanted to live their own life unencumbered)

That night via the chat logs I also discovered the OW routinely drank to black out state and hated kids (her own admissions).

There was no way I was letting that creature near my kids. I also had an overwhelming desire to completely f&*k up her plans. She had dumped her BH a few months earlier to be with my WH.

I intended to toss WH out and get a restraining order using the skype logs as evidence.

But when I tried to toss WH out and he begged to stay, I saw an opportunity to destroy the OW. I sucked it up, let him stay, and had him immediately send a NC email to OW.

I will say it gave me great pleasure to know that she had already traveled a great distance and was in the conference city waiting for him. Even better... without him she had no hotel room reserved for the 9 days.

Initially, my plans were to "play along" until I knew OW was good and gone. I wanted her life to blow up just as big as mine had. I know for a fact it has.

Somewhere along the way I noticed that my WH was actually doing the work to change and become a decent human being. Now I am staying because I can see the potential for a promising future.

Me - BS
WH - old
Kids
Dday May 2012

posts: 1598   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2012
id 6366959
default

Williesmom ( member #22870) posted at 5:37 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

I always said that I didn't know what I would do, and that it would depend on the situation.

Wen it happened, I tried to make it work for 2 years before I bailed. He had left years before.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

posts: 9299   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Western PA
id 6367401
default

Happydays ( member #38681) posted at 5:51 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

I always said to her " what ever you do don't bring the A to the house". Jokingly ofcourse.

I never imagined, she'd have an extraM A. All the time people said if at all, I'd be the one who would have an A between exW and me.

I got a chance too, but, didn't avail the offer.

My laywer too asked me if I was having an A, and trying to get rid of my wife. This was before discovering the A but after getting threats of DV and mental torture over her changed behaviour, due to the A of course.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

posts: 294   ·   registered: Mar. 9th, 2013
id 6367421
default

SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 5:59 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

HAHAHA! The joke was so on me. Before I found out about the affair, FWH was a real selfish dickhead to me most of the time. A favorite phrase of his was "Shut up, bitch!" Yeah, my fault for staying and waiting for him to cheat or find out he was cheating.

Some of the things he would say to me were along the lines of "I'm leaving, I can't take your shit anymore!" mostly because he had to beg me for sex. I mean, when you tell your wife "Shut up, bitch!" and then 5 minutes later he is in bed with you and wants to fool around, I need a little bit more foreplay then the standard "Shut up, bitch!" Can't imagine why I didn't want to have sex with him.

So, when he would threaten me with leaving, I would think "Go ahead and leave, go find someone else to fuck, do you think anyone else would want to have sex with you?" HAHAHA! Guess I was wrong. I also didn't think it would hurt me, I thought I would be relieved. Just like Jrazz.

I used to daydream about him cheating on me so I could have a ticket out of our dysfunctional marriage that didn't make me the bad guy.

I thought I would kick his ass to the curb. Instead, I wound up comforting HIM on d-day. No, really didn't think I would react that way!

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

posts: 15429   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2010   ·   location: The Great White North USA
id 6367433
default

Sal1995 ( member #39099) posted at 6:12 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

That I would divorce her, no questions asked.

But then reality hits: I got a glimpse of the type of lowlife she would pick to raise our 4 children. So R has to be given every chance.

BH
Reconciled

posts: 1995   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Southwest
id 6367443
default

Skan ( member #35812) posted at 6:57 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

I always said that I would kick anyone who did that to me to the curb and make sure that he bounced. Preferably several times. And take him for every penny he had.

Funny enough, when I confronted on DDay, that's exactly what he saw and realized. I think that the exact words out of my mouth were "you have one and only once chance to come clean to me. If you lie to me, then don't let the door hit you in the ass, you bastard!" I was ready and willing to boot him out. Of course, at that time, I didn't actually KNOW that he had had a ONS. I found loads of info in the computer indicating that he was looking, talking to women, and begging for sex, but not the actual proof. When he gave it up, I know that I lost my mind. But in my rage, a sane voice told him exactly how it would be, and we continued on from there.

I never thought that would happen. I was convinced that I would boot him out. I have no idea of why I didn't, except for his coming clean and me still loving him.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6367484
default

 MammaMia (original poster member #34030) posted at 9:00 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

A friend of mine found evidence of her H having an EA with a family friend. The H was away that weekend, so when he came back, she welcomed him with the phrase:" Do you want a divorce? Cause if you want one, you got it buddy!!!"

He came clean and they are still together. What I find strange is that the lady is still a family friend....

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

posts: 966   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2011   ·   location: Somewhere in the South
id 6367581
default

Daisy312 ( member #36813) posted at 9:04 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

I always said it was a deal breaker. I said I would leave immediately! Well 13 months later I am still here trying like hell to get my life back. It's funny I hear people talking about cheating a lot, and everyone says they would leave, but I come on here and I see that many of us try to stay first. I'm really struggling with this because I feel as though I am betraying myself by staying. Like he needs to be punished more for ruining me.

posts: 324   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2012
id 6367582
default

jojo42 ( member #37583) posted at 9:10 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

I am in the same boat as most...I never thought he would ever betray but was sure, when he did I'd be gone...you never know until you are faced with such a decision

Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

posts: 72   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2012
id 6367587
default

LisaP ( member #15088) posted at 10:31 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

I would have divorced him. I did, eventually. It took me longer then I anticipated due to fear. I was a SAHM with no way to support myself let alone our kids. I didn't have any family around. I was alone.

But I was no more alone then I was in my marriage. My XH was a difficult person...very manipulating, compulsive liar, everyone but his family came first, blah, blah, blah. When the affair and everything else that came flooding in finally settled, I realized he wasn't worth it anymore. I wanted better or nothing at all. That is when I left.

Taking the year and a half allowed me to get straight in my head. I am glad I didn't rush it, but I do wish I had left sooner.

Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown

posts: 2200   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2007   ·   location: Oregon
id 6367636
default

hobbeskat ( member #38805) posted at 11:06 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2013

I thought I'd throw someone out. If he had had sex with her I'm fairly sure I would have. I can't imagine that not being a deal breaker for me personally.

posts: 309   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2013
id 6367651
default

Amazonia ( member #32810) posted at 12:54 AM on Monday, June 10th, 2013

I said I would throw him out. I did.

Unfortunately this wasn't my first rodeo with infidelity, and he knew it. I'm actually pretty sure he told me about the affair so that he could have an excuse to leave.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

posts: 14469   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2011
id 6367730
default

Ladyogilvy ( member #31558) posted at 1:43 AM on Monday, June 10th, 2013

I would have said he was an alcoholic asshole but a loyal one who wouldn't have an A, in part because he wouldn't expend the energy required to be nice to someone else... I would and did say, if he did spend time being nice to someone else when he couldn't be nice to me, I would be pissed as hell and make his life miserable.

Well, I was right about the second part. I just had no idea that pissed would extend to bat shit crazy.

Me: BW 57. Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 65Married stopped counting after too many disappointing anniversaries. Two sons, 24&25 years old. He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable evidence of.

posts: 1599   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6367764
default

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 1:54 AM on Monday, June 10th, 2013

Before the affair: if somebody had asked you what you would do if you ever suspected or found out that your spouse has an affair, what would you have said?

I wouldn't have....because it wasn't even a possibility.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4388   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 6367774
default

Tripletrouble ( member #39169) posted at 2:32 AM on Monday, June 10th, 2013

A friend of mine had an experience similar to mine just a couple months before my dday. I was appalled ( but didn't say so) that he would even consider trying to work it out. I think it's part of the reason I'm feeling so bad about attempting R. I feel like a huge sucker.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Happily remarried 2018
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

posts: 1175   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2013
id 6367813
default

1armystrong ( new member #39468) posted at 2:37 AM on Monday, June 10th, 2013

I always said that if my H was to ever have an affair it would be the deal breaker but here I am trying to make it work because I love this man. I have days where certain things trigger me and I go off and I have every right too! H broke the trust so he will have to earn it back. I never saw this coming people say the signs had to be there but for me it wasn't .

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jun. 6th, 2013   ·   location: HH
id 6367819
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy