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User Topic: I can feel the anger.. he say's I'm over-reacting
Trying33
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Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R has generally been going well. After he categorically asked me not to bring up the A, I have managed to honour his request. The most I have said about it is in relation to me and how I feel I let MYSELF down.

Our conversations are weird. We both allude to my A but never really speak about it directly. He will make sarcastic remarks wrapped in jest, but that's his way of dealing with it I guess. It's obviously on his mind no matter how hard he tries to portray the opposite.

The transparency has been helpful, despite him asking for anything, I have made everything available (passwords, work-phones, days agenda etc). I can see he is comforted by this, although of course he will never say this.

The anger is there. It's seeping out and I don't even think he realises. It comes out in ways which he can easily rationalise, but I know that's not him, I recognise it as anger. For example, this weekend, both the kids were at a sleepover and had left during the afternoon. Ordinarily, this is the kind of opportunity we would both use to spend time together, be intimate without kids barging in, do something just the two of us, plan something to look forward to. He didn't get home till very late and kept procrastinating coming home. This is very unlike him and I know this is how he deals with anger. He withdraws. Avoids. Shut's down.

I know I am to expect anger and other strong emotions. I know this is going to take a long time. I don't want the above example to sound pathetic or trivial but it hurts that so much of his feelings are left unsaid and for me to figure out. I am desperate for him to say "I am really pissed off with you right now and would rather not spend the evening with you". At least I would know where I stand.

I gently told him how I felt and he said I was over-reacting. I know for a fact he didn't need to be in the office till that late. He just didn't want to come home to me.

I guess there will be days like this. There are good days too so I am not complaining (much).

Is this kind of behaviour called passive-aggression?

For all other WW's who had similar reactions in the BS's, what can I expect from him? The unexpressed anger is coming out non-verbally and maybe even subconsciously. He refuses to acknowledge it.

I can feel it but am made to feel it's in my head.

Any pointers/suggestions welcomed.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unagie
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Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my SO didn't want to talk about the A either. Preferred to rugsweep it all which I did not want. The few times we did talk there was a lot of rage and then we wouldn't talk about it for 2-3 weeks. In that time period he felt he had no one to talk to or vent to so he met someone and had a EA with her maybe a PA too I will never know.

I am in no way saying your H will have a RA but I am simply relaying my own experience. I do think he needs an IC or at the very least someone to talk to. He sounds like he wants to rugsweep but I feel that is the equivalent of closing a gaping wound by covering it with your sleeve. You can't see it anymore but the blood will seep through and eventually the wound will get infected. The harm caused by now infidelity cuts deep and must he taken care of. If he is not ready to confront all the details that is fine but is he dealing with the fact that you had an A at all?

Edited for typos.

[This message edited by Unagie at 6:10 AM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
Trying33
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Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everything you say. This is exactly what worries me the most. He say's we're good. He say's let's move forward and on most days he acts out the words he say's. However, there are days, like the one I mentioned, where his anger seeps out whether he likes it or not. It's there and he can't deny it because I can feel it.

I have wondered about a RA. Nothing is impossible.

He skirts around the A. Mostly pretends like it never happened and treats it like it was some school girl crush and happy that now I'm over it. My situation is so bizarre it even baffles me.

I read your profile. I'm sorry you're having such a shitty time of it.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Mrs Panda
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Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH was like this. He didn't want to be angry at me. He is an emotional guy and if he really let himself feel it...it was overwhelming.

It came out in bits and pieces over years.

Not every BS needs to talk about it all the time. My advice is to try to bring it up once in a while, but respect his method of healing. I expect when he feels safe again he will start letting you know how he feels.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Trying33
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Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how does one deal with the passive-aggression?

The part where BH tells you all is well, when it clearly isn't?

How did you both deal with the hurt of knowing your BS's didn't care about you like they used to yet insists all is okay??

Some days I do wonder if it's all in my head like he say's it is. That maybe I'm being hypersensitive and needy, but there are times I KNOW he's hurting but he pretends he's fine.

Do I just acknowledge these times in my head?

I expect when he feels safe again he will start letting you know how he feels.

I get this as I've been told this time and time again, but in the meantime how do I deal with the withdrawal? Ignore it? Accept it?


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
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Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hlessons was a lot like your H. And I wasted the first year doing what you are doing. Focusing on what he needed to be doing to heal himself from what I had done, instead of working on myself. I wasn't focusing on me. See if I focused on him, and what he wasn't doing, it was much easier than looking in the mirror, at my shit.

So you can keep doing this as long as you want, it is just going to set you back. Let him take care of himself. You already know he is angry, why does he need to tell you? You know this isn't in your head and that he is choosing to spend some time away from you, so let him and you accept that this is what he needs and you work on fixing your shit. Why does it bother you so much that he isn't verbalizing every little thing to you. Let go. Let go of your need to control this thing and get to work on you.

Just my advice from someone who has been right where you are sitting.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4522 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Trying33
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Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does it bother you so much that he isn't verbalizing every little thing to you

Because I feel disrespected. I know I'm going to get berated for that comment but it's the truth. I think that's the crux of it.

All I want is for him to be upfront. If he'd have told me he doesn't want to spend the evening with me I would've done something else... and would probably have had a meltdown... oh I see where this is going now.. it was easier for him to dodge me than be honest as honesty in the past has been received with a crying, hysterical wife who he doesn't want to deal with. Hmmmmm.

Thing is, I am working on myself, he wouldn't have been faced with the old version of me as I have realised this is not productive, fair or reasonable.

Shame he won't give me a chance to show I'm working on some personal flaws. Oh well.

Ok, so I get it. It always comes back to me working on myself.

See if I focused on him, and what he wasn't doing, it was much easier than looking in the mirror, at my shit.

I'm trying to do both. Me and him. It's mentally draining. I think you're right though, focussing on him is probably a convenient distraction from my own shit.

Btw, I'm curious. In the situation I outlined in my initial post, what would you have done?


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
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Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I want is for him to be upfront
.

You mean like you were? Because you see that is pretty much what he is thinking at this point. Does that excuse it, not really. But it is a reason. So leave him alone to work it out.

What would I do in that situation, right now? I would ask, if he didn't tell me when I asked, I would leave it alone. Or I would ask if maybe at a later time he would feel he could talk about it. But that is the relationship we have now. THREE years later. You are barely out of the gate. Give him some breathing room.

The fact that you can bring up feeling dis respected at this point blows me away a bit.Look at what you just did.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4522 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
IAteTheApple
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Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written this thread. I'm over here taking notes.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
Mrs Panda
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Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I tried to do was do things that made me happy. And do things that made him happy. I started putting a real effort in. I stopped expecting him to be the one to hold us together.

You can't dictate how he heals. You are uncomfortable with his silence, because that's not your style.

Be proactive about you and the R. Get a little thicker skin. So he stayed at work all afternoon ...is that really disrespectful to you? Maybe he needed that time. He is in self-protection mode probably...he can't be worried about you freaking out. Show him you are good. Next time he does this, make his fav meal or something. I don't know. But I thing you need to be a positive driving force for R and not get hurt that he is not leading it. Ok?

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 1:50 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
ophelia24
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Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey trying,

I've been where you are (and still have to work at my need to control) as like TG our H's sound like they deal with hurt in similar ways.

The thing that I'm learning, is that I don't get to dictate how my H deals with his anger and hurt. And as I've Realised, anger comes out in many different ways, and often not straight at you. What he did is anger and hurt and not wanting to be around you that day. That's the reality of what we've done. Those are the consequences. My H is watching me. He told me that. Yours will be too.

Keep going my friend.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
tired girl
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Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to tell you something that you may not be ready to hear yet. So if you aren't, keep it in the back of your head.

My H told me this past year that a lot of how he felt early on was that I was the one who blew this whole thing up, I was the last one that was going to come in and tell him how to put it back together again or how he should handle himself. Bottom line, we are the last person in the world they are going to take advice from. And why should they? We aren't healthy, if we were, we wouldn't have tried to fix our M by having an affair.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4522 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
20WrongsVs1
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying33, glad to see an update from you. Seems like our DDays are close together, so although our Rs look much different, we may be tracking similarly.

I'm afraid of BH getting really angry. Not scared for my safety, not even for a second, but I worry that now that some anger is starting to seep out...he'll reconsider his decision to R and throw my cheating ass out. That's not an outcome I want, but I can't control him. R or D, I need to "fix my shit" anyway.

He will make sarcastic remarks wrapped in jest, but that's his way of dealing with it I guess

If this means he's bringing up the A, in the only way he can...can we consider that a minor victory?

I am desperate for him to say "I am really pissed off with you right now and would rather not spend the evening with you"

Through passive aggression, hasn't he basically told you that? He may not be expressing himself the way you want him to, but staying away from home all day was pretty loud and clear IMO.

Because I feel disrespected.

Share your real feelings with us, that's how we all grow! I'm not qualified to psychoanalyze you, so I won't try. But this statement and many others in this thread, do seem to reveal that you're still expecting your BH to deal with this "your way."

I'll echo the others' sentiments: you chose to have an A, your BH gets to choose how he deals with it. Be grateful that he wants to R, despite your betrayal. Recognize small steps he's taking, and thank him. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but could you say something like:

"When you say [sarcastic remark] does that mean you're referring to my affair, in the only way you're comfortable? I hope someday we can discuss it openly, but if this the way you need to deal with it, then I'm just thankful you are here with me in the M and R."

I think you're right though, focusing on him is probably a convenient distraction from my own shit.

Is this a lightbulb moment for you? Recently the whole "fix your own shit" mantra TG and others keep chanting, finally sunk in. I'm looking for a therapist, and it has been incredibly humbling to acknowledge that my shit is too deep for me to dig myself out of with a shovel. This shit requires a backhoe.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
stilllovingher
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Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here,

Tired girl and Mrs. Panda are on point here. You should give what they spoke of some extra thought.

also, remember that you ARE the perpetrator here, expecting the victim to go to....

(damn touchy phones)

expecting him to go to the one that hurt him is kinda odd, and unrealistic in any other circumstance.


ETA2: looks like tired girl beat me to it.

[This message edited by stilllovingher at 3:43 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2401 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Finally10
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Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I want is for him to be upfront. If he'd have told me he doesn't want to spend the evening with me I would've done something else... and would probably have had a meltdown... oh I see where this is going now.. it was easier for him to dodge me than be honest as honesty in the past has been received with a crying, hysterical wife who he doesn't want to deal with. Hmmmmm.

Thing is, I am working on myself, he wouldn't have been faced with the old version of me as I have realised this is not productive, fair or reasonable.

Shame he won't give me a chance to show I'm working on some personal flaws. Oh well.

He IS giving you a chance to show him you are working on your personal flaws... He is still there. Keep working on them; as he sees actions and different responses to every day situations he will see your changes.

What I really think is that you are still looking for him to pat you on the back and tell you that he sees how hard you are working. Without that validation, you feel disrespected, right? You can only ACT respectful, you cannot demand respect from anyone. I suspect at the bottom of this particular barrel is that you lack self respect and are looking for it elsewhere, as in from him. You can only BE loving, trustworthy, or worthy of respect. Having shattered all these qualities in his eyes, it will take time for him to develop these qualities for you again, if he does. As several others have said, develop yourself into a person worthy of love, respect and trust regardless of what he says or does. You will be a better person for the effort.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
Unagie
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Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying thanks.

For your situation though the others are right. It is absolutely exhausting to focus on both of you. He must heal his way. It bothered me because as I said it struck home with me but if this is how he heals then let it be for now. My IC told me one day to stop talking about the A. Let him bring it up because I'd done all the talking thus far. He internalizes a lot. As for your thoughts of a RA, do not focus on it. I did not even consider it until it happened so don't think that way it takes the focus off your healing.

I had just woken up earlier so my response was not as fleshed out as it could have been. TG and Mrs. P have given you great advice.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
whatlysbeneath
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Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BH I can second the advice from others to work on your issues.

Own 100% of your choice to have the A.

I have noticed with my WW that she says all the right things but her attitude and actions (or lack of actions) prove that I am not safe to trust her.

Stay very constistent, you are early on in the process.

First, do no further harm!! What I mean by this is be very careful of things like your thought that he is "disrespecting you" by not being able to talk to you about your A like YOU think he should. If you feel he is disrespecting you, you WILL reveal that attitude by your actions, body language etc etc..

Not to sound paranoid but your BS is watching you like a hawk trying to figure out someone he thought he already knew.

It may be helpful to post your story in your profile so those of us offering advice could better understand the details of your situation.

Good Luck!


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
caspers1wish
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Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH is very much the same way, doesn't like to talk about it, ever, much easier to rugsweep everything, my cheating, his emotions (anger, hurt, pain), all under that rug, and occasionally some escapes now and then.

And here I was, desperate to know where I stood with him, all the time, like I needed that assurance from him. The quiet, where my mind wandered and my imagination, (and an awful lot of projection), would get the better of me most days. I wanted to talk and talk and talk, and he didn't. I had awful thoughts where I wish he'd cheat just so I could say, "now you have to talk to me, no more hiding". You know, even if he did go and cheat, I'd bet you a million dollars he still wouldn't really talk to me.

So I see a lot of myself in your post. I think it's a bit of stretch to say your husband is being passive aggressive. Sure he might have some feelings he's having a hard time facing. I think that like me, you are doing a lot of reading into the situation that isn't there. You asked him, and he thought you were over-reacting, but you're doubting him, why? You don't think he's being honest with you? Did you explain to him that you wish he'd have come home and spent time with you? Instead of thinking that he's subconsciously being angry with you?

You said that you would have had a melt down. I can see how he would have wanted to avoid that. My husband avoids a lot of things to prevent me from getting upset. I've had a lot of growing up to do. I used to get over the top mad at the drop of a hat. That was really unfair behavior to my husband and family. It was really a sign of my immaturity and selfishness.

And I've worked on those things, but I don't need to prove it to him that I'm better. That I won't fly off the handle if he's late or something didn't go as planned. That's what working on yourself will look like. You won't need those constant reassurances from him that you're seeking now. You'll realize that the answers you're looking for, the reactions and emotions from him you want or expect, are completely out of your control, and it won't matter if he's being avoidant, passive aggressive, angry, fill in the blank.

For a long time, it bothered me that my husband didn't seem to be dealing with my cheating, let alone healing from it. How can you heal from something you don't acknowledge? It didn't stop me from continuing to work on myself, to move forward and grow up. This is how he wants to deal with it, and I can respect it. Sometimes it's hard, but I see so many waywards here who run the whole gamut during reconciliation. On the one hand, I'm almost envious, on the other, I wonder if I could hack it like they do.

So hang in there, do the work on you. Maybe your husband didn't want to spend the evening with you. Sit with that a while, is it justified? Don't wallow and pout, be proactive, own your part in it if it is indeed true. Ask him, and believe his answer, and move forward.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 726 | Registered: Jun 2010
Trying33
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Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that you can bring up feeling dis respected at this point blows me away a bit.Look at what you just did.

I know. It's awful but it's the emotion I identified with at the time. All I can think of is I'm too self-obsessed and feel entitled to some respect. I know this is really fucked up thinking.

You can't dictate how he heals. You are uncomfortable with his silence, because that's not your style.

Be proactive about you and the R. Get a little thicker skin

Yes Mrs Panda, and everyone HAS to think like me right cos after all it's ME who's done all the reading and reflecting and so I'm doing it the right way

I read the posts here and I can intellectually understand what I need to do but during the times he doesn't communicate with me I don't know how to handle my emotions. I tend to react and take everything personally. I seriously need to develop a thick skin as not everything is about ME. He needed space away from me and I feel offended by that and I have no right to be. I know I keep saying this but I wish he'd just man up and tell me to my face rather than me guessing all the time.

But I hear you. I cannot control the way he reacts. I need to work on my reactions to his way of dealing with things. I could have driven to his office that afternoon and spent time with him. That was an option that would have shown him I care enough to make the effort, I know that would've been a gesture he would've appreciated. He always has in the past. Why did I wait for him to come to me? I could have gone to him.

My H is watching me. He told me that. Yours will be too.

Hi Ophelia, It doesn't feel like he is but it's only natural he would be and I'm sure he is in his own way.

but I worry that now that some anger is starting to seep out...he'll reconsider his decision to R and throw my cheating ass out

That's a fear I have too. One day he'll wake up and realise what a waste of space I am

Be grateful that he wants to R, despite your betrayal

This is something that really hits home. I genuinely don't believe he wants to R because of me. He doesn't want our young kids to come from a broken home, he's told me as much and he will do whatever it takes to make sure they grow up with a mum and dad in the same house, even if that means living with a woman he can't stand (not his words but how it feels).

Recently the whole "fix your own shit" mantra TG and others keep chanting, finally sunk in

I get this mantra and sometimes the amount of shit I have to deal with feels overwhelming and mind boggling. It makes my brain hurt and I think when my brain starts hurting I shift my focus on to "his shit". It's easier to blame someone else for your moods isn't it

I need to build up my "working on my shit" stamina. I think it's time I start looking for a therapist to push me into places I don't necessarily want to go.

Thank-you to everyone for your thoughtful responses. It's really helpful.

One of my deep deep fears is that I may be wayward again if I don't fix me now. I've come very far in that I now fully accept and understand this is about ME and my ways of dealing with issues. Self-esteem issues, never feeling good enough, always needing to prove myself, for someone to tell me how great I am for me to believe it. These are all surface things that need further digging. I'm scared to go there. Don't know if I can manage what might be unravelled.

Caspers1wish. Each and every word in your post resonated with me. It's as though I could have written it myself. I read your profile and I'm so sorry for all that you've been through.

Sometimes it's hard, but I see so many waywards here who run the whole gamut during reconciliation. On the one hand, I'm almost envious, on the other, I wonder if I could hack it like they do.

Exactly.

So hang in there, do the work on you. Maybe your husband didn't want to spend the evening with you. Sit with that a while, is it justified? Don't wallow and pout, be proactive, own your part in it if it is indeed true. Ask him, and believe his answer, and move forward.

Thank-you for this.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
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Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my deep deep fears is that I may be wayward again if I don't fix me now. I've come very far in that I now fully accept and understand this is about ME and my ways of dealing with issues. Self-esteem issues, never feeling good enough, always needing to prove myself, for someone to tell me how great I am for me to believe it. These are all surface things that need further digging. I'm scared to go there. Don't know if I can manage what might be unravelled.

Good. This is a start, and we all started somewhere Trying. Keep going.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4522 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
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