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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, I just wanted to say I agree with Hath and SK about the difference in recovery. You and I are at similar stages. Here is what I am seeing in my H.

The biggest change is he feels so much more "there" if that makes sense. He listens. He accepts full responsibility and expresses alot of empathy. He has made some decisions to impose a stricter program than what his therapist requires -- his CSAT does not take a hard line on masturbation (without porn) but the H feels like it is not good for him at least for now. He seems more like my partner than he ever did in the past. He seems lighter.

He loves his SA meeting, loves his white book, now has additional books with spiritual sayings etc all of which I see him taking alot of comfort from. He has had several new ideas at work -- great, creative ideas that he attributes to his general clearer thinking. He used to forget practically every single request I made of him, every household thing (or would need constant reminders) and that is gone. In fact, we have accidentally called the same people or done the same errand because I assumed, based on past behavior, that he would not do something that I had asked in a timely manner.

There was a slip of watching a documentary with women wearing very little. However, H handled it responsibly going to IC and to SA and discussing with everyone there whether, and how, to disclose to me -- whether it would be more unnec. pain for me since it was a slip not a relapse or whether trust/honesty in our R took precedence. After talking to his CSAT, he told me what had happened. It sucked that there was a slip but how he handled it makes me feel alot safer and calmer.

As I have written upthread, I feel like I have the marriage and husband I always wanted at last. Except in my mind it is painfully tainted by the past infidelity and the risk of relapse.

Are you getting any sense of any of the above from your H?

[This message edited by cds22 at 11:30 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 209 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds,

H is making great strides as far as SA. Staying in IC, going to weekly meetings, has phone contact with sponser & other group members on a daily basis. He is reading his White Book and the AA Big Book. In fact, he is trying harder than he ever has in our marriage to communicate & simply do "nice" things for me, does all the grocery shopping & cooking, etc.

I feel like he is motivated & seems very determined to make the necessary changes. There are two problems here.

1.)H has been very cautious about disclosure regarding his acting out. He finally starting at least answering some of my questions a couple of months ago but has a minimum of how long he feels like the Q&A should last. He says the advice he was given (I'm assumming his SA group)we should set aside times to talk about it & set a period of time for the discussion to take place, then end it until next time. This creates an anger that I can't even explain. So, I felt that the only way I would get any idea of the scope of his acting out would be up to me to find out on my own. I decided to review the past 16 months of phone records & OMG! I'm just devastated all over again & am simply breathless at the level of activity. And that's just the last 16 months! Mind you, this has been going on now for somewhere close to 15 years! I simply can't get my head around it!

2.) I asked him a question about one of the phone numbers on the bill. He said he didn't know (I hear that a lot) who it was & doesn't want to know since he wants so badly to forget about all of it. I actually had a conversation with the owner of that number who was very willing to give me information so, I had an idea that he indeed had not forgotten. He only confessed to having an encounter with her after I told him that I knew. I can't begin to describe the earthquake inside my head when I realized he is still not being transparent. I can't deal with that.

He says it's hard for him to tell me because he doesn't want to see me hurt all over again. I've told him countless times that I would rather deal with the hurt that the truth brings than to deal with distrust & dishonesty. I don't know what to believe right now. Nothing makes sense. I've read until I'm sick to death of hearing about SA & 12 steps! Don't misunderstand, I know it's what I have to do, I know it works but, I'm so tired of dealing with it already.

We have an appointment later today with his IC so maybe we can address some of it there.

I've been dealing with nerve pain caused by degenerative disc in my upper back that has not been controlled by medication & several painful facet blocks. I have another scheduled for tomorrow & dread it. I'm just so tired....


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outttanowhere, you are 100% sane. You can't trust or rebuild or even protect yourself when there is new information trickling out and lack of empathy/honesty.

I am no expert but I think transparency is a big part of recovery. And empathy to the fact you need full disclosure.

What is the IC/CSAT doing on the disclosure front? We are having our formal disclosure at the end of July. CSAT felt that H was not ready yet as he had not completed the workbook section on empathy which is at the heart of disclosure. I have asked H to keep a journal where he jots down memories and works on a timeline over the next several weeks. I have also been working with my IC to figure out what I really need to know.

Even though I think and appear to have full disclosure, I don't feel at peace or ready to heal the marriage until I know for sure. So, I completely get that the disclosure has to happen for security and healing to return to our lives. But my understanding is that it works best when it is a professionally guided process (and that may or may not include a polygraph to confirm).

I am so sorry to hear about your back. IIRC from our friend who practices this kind of medicine the weird thing is that some people have that with no pain, others awful pain. It may be linked to your stress. Try to take care of yourself as much as possible. Hugs outtanowhere!


Posts: 209 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks cds! Sometimes I just need a little validation! We haven't even discussed formal disclosure at this point. I was at my breaking point at about 8 weeks post d-day & had told H since he couldn't disclose those very important events that I needed a separation to try to clear my head. I think out of desperation, he came up with a body count. Of course, I will never know if that was all or not. Looking at that phone record it's hard to believe that there weren't significantly more than what is already on the record.

Our very first counseling session was with a female CSAT. She diagnosed the SA on the third visit & he never felt "comfortable" with her again so, he started seeing a male CSAT about 8 weeks ago. He asked me a couple of days ago if I would go with him to the appointment he had scheduled for today. I don't know what that is all about but, I agreed to go in hopes I could put my two cents in with his counselor. Of course, I NEED to know about the events of the last 15 years of my life. Hell, if I were to be realistic, I would venture to say it's been going on since we married. Don't know if I can stay married but, I have to know.

I feel so close to just being done.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More than once in the past 3 years ( since H has been seeing his CSAT), H says that his IC says I don't/shouldn't need something I have requested. I get where the IC is coming from. H is the IC client, not me, not our M. Fine.

I tell H in those instances that I really need what I've requested, and he can marry his IC if he prefers his boundaries.

It has been my impression the that ICs my H has seen initially try to "protect" him from his whacked out co-addicted spouse. It takes some frank discussion between my H and the IC to fill the IC in on the background of our story before they can assess the situation. And even then, the IC is still his IC and not our MC, so the CSAT's priority is going to be H's advocate.

A lot of times I believe the IC is afraid that the BS is being punitive and waking up the shame response in the addict - which can lead to relapse. Trouble is, even our perfectly reasonable requirements for R can evoke the shame response in the addict. Doesn't mean we don't need what we need. Means H needs to get some better tools to deal with that if there is going to be an M to R.

The earlier the SA is in recovery, however, the more difficult this will be for them to do.

That is why we need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves, seeing our IC (hopefully CSAT or trauma specialist), establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

What a long, long road.....


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3551 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@outta...Our stories are similar in that our SAWHs acted out for years in multiple ways and by doing things that seemed out of character. We were in the dark, shocked and disgusted by the person we found out we had been living with. Of course you are afraid.

What CD says is correct. It's unfortunate, but you absolutely have NO guarantee that his sobriety will last. That may very well be a deal breaker for you. No shame to that. The suggestion in SA is that you wait a year to be sure that is what you want.

If you decide to stay, you may not get the whole story for quite awhile. It takes a long time to for an SA to come clean. I got bits and pieces over the course of 8 years...

My SAfWH has had sobriety for several years. SA meetings, IC, etc. And yet, a few weeks ago, he lied to me. He told me he did something that I had asked of him, and he hadn't. He thought he could get the task done before I checked on him. I found out. It set me back considerably. It wasn't the subject of the lie, it was the lie itself. If he still lies about this, he can lie about ANYTHING. He recognized that this is old behavior, addict behavior. He is working on it. He used to be compulsive about lying, this was an aberration for him now. And he had to deal with why he did it. To his credit, he is looking at his reasons.

I tell you what I told CD; this disease and the behaviors associated started long ago, in childhood. Even if the actual sexual acting out stops, it takes a LONG TIME to understand their own "whys" and a LONG TIME to change the behaviors of a lifetime. Only you can decide if you want to stay around and wait.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life is so busy in the summer, think I had blocked that out from last year! We are still both working on recovery. I just read a book that I liked called Surviving Disclosure. Just wanted to see what it said about after disclosure. Seems we are right on course for handling things. I have to say, we wouldn't still be married without our marital CSAT.

JWow -

I tell H in those instances that I really need what I've requested, and he can marry his IC if he prefers his boundaries.
OMG! Have had this same exact conversation with my SAWH. Learning to respect my needs and that someone else doesn't get to decide what I need, is a huge deal with my SAWH. Thank goodness our marital CSAT is very reasonable. I think most male CSATs are recovering SAs themselves and tend to overidentify with clients. I know my SAWH's current CSAT is good but many spouses feel the same as I, that he crosses a line in how he deals with spouses.

Outta - It is really tough to make it through until disclosure. Then the first couple of months after, ain't no picnic! You sound like you are heading in the right direction and hope the meeting with your SAWH's CSAT is helpful.

Cds - Your SAWH sounds like he is really wanting recovery. That is a real blessing.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't imagine finding new information years later. Even now, every time there is a variation of a detail it sends me reeling. Does time somehow prepare you for that? Does it just thicken your hide so you don't feel the sting as badly? I guess I just don't get it.

Session with H's IC went well I guess. I have become very comfortable & familiar with communicating with my female counselor so getting another perspective was interesting & hopefully will turn out to be helpful.

Scaredy, you are my hero! How you have had the strength to do this escapes me. Our anniversary was Monday. H sent beautiful flowers to my work, composed a heartfelt poem then a fabulous dinner yet, I have a difficult time looking at him, today. Tomorrow will be different I'm sure.

Thanks friends! I promise I'm going to make it eventually!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Son of a Sex Addict

If I posted this in general, I think that’s how I would title this. What do I say to my son about porn? He’s not quite 18, so I wonder if I’ll get sued for saying anything to him by his dad, if he were to think I’d said something about him. So maybe I wait a few more months? Or does that even help, my son being over 18?

What I did hear myself say to my son today was, “I’m not the porn police”. We were talking about internet access in the house. How does one balance a mother’s role as a parent with one’s co-dependent recovery efforts? I know my X’s activities were not mine to cause, change, cure or anything else, but my child? What’s my proper action there? If he was 12 or 13, and there wasn’t a sex addiction issue in his father, I think I could navigate that. My son has been brought up with open, heavy alcoholism in his father and my co-dependence as a mother. I thought I was handling X's drinking all those years, but I see now I wasn’t. I found out about the sex stuff, and I went into a tailspin of trickle-truth from X and trying to learn the truth from my research. I have been told that my children are at risk for repeating the cycle of abuse, alcoholism and sex addiction, either doing or allowing these things in their relationships. My son does have issues with substance abuse already.

So, oh wise group, what do you say to your children? Do I just tell him about “other types of addiction” in general conversations? Do I get specific about porn? I don’t know that he views it, but how would I know? I will talk to my therapist about this, too, but I’d really like to know your thoughts.


Posts: 1048 | Registered: Aug 2010
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented,

I wish I had a good war strategy but my battle is kicking my tail! I'm sorry that your precious son has to grow up with this nonsense being a part of his life! The wise ones are all in bed now I think but they will be back full force tomorrow so hang on til morning!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented - The book I was just reading talks about disclosure to children. It even talks about what to do if divorced and disclosing to your children without your spouse. My CSAT is a big proponent of disclosing to the children.

Anyway, the book is Surviving Disclosure. Chapter 6 is about what to tell kids.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Compartmented

My sons are now 25 and 30. As I have said, I was unaware of SAfWH's acting out for too many years. So were my kids. There was an incident in 2001-02 with what I thought was a prolonged EA (found out in 2009 that it was a PA) DS#1 was aware of the drama, DS#2 was kept in the dark. But both kids grew up in a dysfunctional home, with an attentive mother, an uninvolved father, seeing verbal and emotional abuse, and extreme passive aggressive behavior.

DS#1 is a recovering alcoholic. Would he have had this issue anyway? Hard to tell. There is alcoholism on both sides of the family. I caught both kids with porn as young teens, and had blunt talks about the exploitation of women, ironically with SAfWH backing me up. I also made it clear that alcohol abuse was a real danger to them, it obviously didn't help.

When the SA was exposed, I didn't tell them immediately. I said we were dealing with "an addiction." It was only after DS#1 checked himself into rehab that I made SAfWH tell him. He didn't tell details. More recently, I asked him to describe the level of pain and damage this has done to me. I did this for several reasons, one, I need allies and support, two, I need them to know that I am not always the strong mom they are so used to, and three, I want them to hear it as a cautionary tale. I have mentioned it to them also in that context, that honesty in relationships is everything.

The relationship that the boys (men) have with their dad is better than it has been since they were little. They are closer than ever. SAfWH doesn't feel he has to prove anything to them, they love him and see his flaws, the two do NOT cancel each other out, and they are more relaxed with each other than they have ever been. DS#1 is healthy, although not yet back on track completely, DS#2 is doing well, and has just begun living with a lovely young woman. I have let him know that he needs to be a respectful and honoring partner.

I am an advocate of being open and honest with kids, to the level that they can handle it. I believe that secrets are often more damaging than talking about the dysfunction. It's hard to do, but in the long run, it leads to a family that is closer and healthier, IMHO...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the book rec Missy. I am once again annoyed that I can't find a SA-related book I want in e-book format or at my library, even with interlibrary loan across the state. And then in a year or two I am sure it will be, but come ON most large publishers do e-books at the same time if not before print now.


I am also struggling with this issue. My oldest DD is nine, it's time for the prelimary sex talks. I want to be prepared how to weave discussion of SA as it applies as we go along this trail of sex ed that lasts forever. I think internet porn/sex chat/etc should be addressed in sex ed at some point, and it is totally different than the paper porn of my youth. While Playboy of decades ago is fairly tame, even then if you were found with a large stack of it, you were a pervert. Now the internet porn is so much more graphic, disturbing, and no one blinks an eye if you have the equivalent of a garage full of paper porn in electronic format. It's more than the exploitation in porn I want to teach, I want the chemical process in the brain with such a large volume of screen images, in particular with progessively harder core stuff, included in my sex ed to my kids. I haven't totally figured this out yet.

And I am also going to explore some of the "religious" sex ed content out there. Some of it really touches on co-dep issues, from what I understand. Like figuring out what you want in a ideal spouse, what is respectful/loving/in your best interests and what is not. What a spousal relationship should look like. What you should be doing as a spouse yourself while remaining true to yourself, that kind of stuff. All intertwined with sex ed. I haven't got any specific recs yet, I have just overheard some of the other people in my mom's group at church talk about such resources as springboards for sex talks with their kids. In the past I would have never thought putting any sort of religious context with sex ed would be a good idea, but if there is content out there that can help keep my children from developing any co-dep behaviors, picking the right mate the first time, etc I am all ears, KWIM?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
AimfortheHeart
♀ New Member
Member # 37195
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, to the new member Belle - a big hug. I sure hope you are reading the resources recommended at the beginning of this thread and in the Healing library. All of that information was a lifesaver to me. I learned I was not alone, there are (sadly) so many who are walking this path.

Take care of yourself, Belle. I believe you said you and your H are going to a counselor next week? You will need a counselor of your own as well. If I had to choose between IC and MC at your stage, I would definitely choose IC. You need someone who is there just for you.

All - this thread has been so helpful to me - tho sometimes I don't post because I feel like I'd be T/Jing the convo. So today I thought just post already even if it's different from the current theme. Of course my jaw just dropped to see everyone discussing exactly what's been on my mind: disclosure, disclosure to the kids, worries about relapse, and counselors trying to limit or control discussions with SAs!! Everything that's been swirling around in my mind.

Our DD26 and DS29 are coming home today and we plan a disclosure to them tomorrow. We've discussed it for weeks w/ CSAT and MC, and my SAWH has an outline.

((SK)) I was glad to read your post about disclosing to your adult kids - I have felt very uncomfortable not telling mine all these months. I too have a DS who has struggled with substance abuse. He, however, has a biological father who is an emotional and physical wreck - my SAWH has been a real Dad to him since he was 18 months old. I'm super worried about how he'll deal with his idol now crashing down from the pedestal, tho I also see the benefit for him to learn his "idol" is actually human with flaws.

MissyM - I'm going to buy the book you mentioned today!


Me - BS 63
Him - SAWH 61
D-day #1 8/22/12
D-day #2 11/3/13
D-day #3 12/15/13

Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2012
MissMarple
♀ New Member
Member # 39151
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I belong in this thread. So sorry to everyone else that finds themselves here.

At this point, I don't even think WH knows how many women he's been with during our marriage. Too many to count! Craigslist, adult friend finder, Ashley Madison, he used them all!

So, hello, and I hope you all are treating yourselves well. I'm focusing on me and my son. Whatever happens to WH happens.


BS (me) 29
WH 29
Married for 7 years
One son age 4
D-day 4-29-13
Multiple hookers on Craigslist!!!
Getting ready to file.

Posts: 33 | Registered: May 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh MissMarple, I don't even know what to say except I'm so sorry! There simply are no words to make your hurt disappear but, there are so many people here that know that know the pain of this unique hell.

This thread has been a lighthouse for me as I try daily to get my ship back on track. Problem here is this is very big boat & takes a painfully long time to reverse course so in the meantime read the articles in The Healing Library, pamper yourself & eat along with lots of fluids. This thing has a way of depleting your physical, emotional, and your spiritual well being. Stay hydrated so your mind can function. Then, hug that baby very tightly, tomorrow start posting on here & don't hold back ....just let it go! It's cathartic ,,......


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a little inspiration from my daily readings this morning. Keeping the focus where it should be today -- on my own recovery, enjoying life, gettings lots done today, kids happily swimming, and I'm finding some peace finally. Been a good few days in a row actually. Starting to feel good.

(...and yeah, that's my current book list on the table. )

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 4:20 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone asked me about literature that helped(s) me get through "one day at a time" Here's one,

Reflections of Hope.

http://www.sanon.org/Store/left/s-anon-literature.html?limit=all

Here's another

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

http://www.amazon.com/One-Day-at-Time-Al-Anon/dp/0910034214/ref=pd_sim_b_24

Not a cure, but some helpful readings.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone asked me about literature that helped(s) me get through "one day at a time" Here's one,
Reflections of Hope.

http://www.sanon.org/Store/left/s-anon-literature.html?limit=all

Here's another

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

http://www.amazon.com/One-Day-at-Time-Al-Anon/dp/0910034214/ref=pd_sim_b_24

Not a cure, but some helpful readings.

Great recommendations. I also find Courage to Change (Al-Anon) and The Language of Letting Go (Melody Beattie) good daily readers, too.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope everyone is doing ok on Father's Day! That first one after DDay was terrible. Thankfully we are a couple of years out from that and it is getting better. So for any of you dealing with your 1st Father's Day post DDay, hang in there! Just take care of yourself and your precious children.

Have to say it was a very emotional weekend. Our anniversary one day and antiversary the next. Handled it well, went off together for anniversary. I triggered some with nightmares and both of us handled it well. SAWH's sobriety date is 2 years in two weeks. So he became sober 2 weeks after DDay. Wish I could say it was a clear and easy path after that but it has been a slog fest at times. We are entering year 3 and I am starting to have hope again. For us, year 2 was definitely worse than year 1.

I am feeling very happy in my own recovery. You would think I would remember from recovery before that you lose a few friends. Realize that some people you have been around aren't really very healthy. One of my dear friends, that I love, is just a train wreck. She is having affairs and not dealing with her drug addicted husband. We were both living with active addicts when we became friends. Now, my H and I are in recovery and neither one of them are. Sad to watch the destruction but the amount of denial and justifications are unhealthy for me and my family to be around. She has actually hired her AP and has him in the house with her child! Just kind of mind boggling how people behave. I realize it is out of pain but she looks at me and swears she is "happy" the way things are. Listening to her, sounds a lot like talking to an SA. I suspect she is an SLAA. Which is her issue to deal with and I just have to back off the friendship.

Anyhow, that kind of turned into a tangent. Oddly, that has been more bothersome to me this week than dealing with my SAWH. I think that means our relationship is making progress!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
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