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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds - it's more than ok! It honestly made me smile and gave me hope!


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UMBL - I haven't read The Gift of Imperfection, but I will add it to the list if you recommend it! This has been a time of wonderful transformation for me and it sounds like it is for you too - that is what all the thinking is about. It is eventually very freeing, bc it makes everything much more clear and your path in life obvious.

sK - forgot to tell you that I am so glad that you feel that we GET IT and that we are a soft place to land for whatever you want to share. I feel the same way and I am so grateful to you all. (((((((SA spouses)))))) Thank you!

cds - thanks for the affirmation. And, I LOVE your Courting Mandate! Don't worry, at least for me it is so refreshing to hear happy stories once in a while - I am so happy for you and your hubby! Canoeing, wine and cheese - where do I sign up?


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In another universe....

We may have turned a corner. I am cautiously optimistic. It requires me to go out on a limb, allow myself to be vulnerable, take yet another risk. I won't lie to you, sisters, I am freaking scared.

I'll keep you posted.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's going on, sK?! Your post is cryptic! I am sitting on the edge of my seat, have popcorn ready.... don't leave us hanging for too long!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK, you are so very brave! You inspire me on a daily basis! I too want to hear about your revelation!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK, occasionally I try to pretend I am on my deathbed and how I would feel looking back on different decisions. When I put myself in that place I almost always wish I had gone for it, taken more risks.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the polygraph process like? What questions are asked?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jun 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numb, I can't afford classes at the moment. I still have student loans to finish paying before I can get more financial aid. I guess the first step is to find a part time job to help pay that off. I'm going to start looking as soon as the kids are back in school. It feels like a long wait. Summer has been dragging by.

I'm in a bad mood today! I'm really resenting how I went from feeling secure to not feeling like I belong in my own life. I can't wait until I make some progress towards having some independence.
It would help if I could get a decent night's sleep sometime this decade.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having such a hard time making my partner understand BOUNDARIES.

And I am SICK of being told I overreact..


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sK - Cautiously optimistic - I liked hearing that!!...I really really hope something goes the right way for you!

WIF - I'm interested in what people say about the poly too - my H said last night he would be happy to take one if I wanted him to.

Sadone - I'm sending you some good sleep vibes - I just started sleeping again - it's not consistent, but at least once or twice a week I'm able to get real sleep without tylenol pm. (((hugs))))

Schilling - I'm so sorry..I need to go and read your story - but I would be sick of that too - IMO there is no such thing as over reaction in this situation - and your feelings and responses should be respected with compassion and remorse regardless of what triggered you.

Today my H goes for his first IC so I'm very relieved about that - and then right after that is his meeting.


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wif - we may be doing a polygraph soon, so I'll keep you posted.

sad - one. step. at. a. time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, getting your ducks in a row. There's only another month of summer and lots of prep to do to get a job: resume brushed off, thinking about what you would want to do and what hours/days you can work, looking for and applying for jobs - just take one task at a time and do it. I always felt like if I was doing something, I was moving forward in some way, no matter how small. Eventually it gets done. It sounds like you have a good plan: go back to work when the kids are back in school, pay off school loans, get new school loans and start school again.

Also, the decent night's sleep is key - my pattern is waking up at 2 or 3 and not being able to get back to sleep. Have you tried melatonin? A lot of people also use tylenol PM, but I haven't tried that myself.

Schilling - my SAWH didn't understand boundaries until I filed for D. I would tell him my boundary and he would gaslight, minimize, deny, and basically walk all over my boundaries. Filing for D has changed that and he is actually respecting them now. Some WSs need a 2x4 upside the head before they get it. Hope yours is less dense than mine. What are your consequences for his failure to respect your boundaries? Examples would be: he sleeps on the couch, you don't go out on dates anymore or out with friends, you 180 him (although my conflict avoidant SAWH LOVED me ignoring him), no sex, whatever you can think of that will make you feel safe. Keep on posting, bc boundaries are HUGE for SA spouses. Also, are you in any type of SA spouse group? I know in my group we discuss boundaries frequently and it is helpful. Lastly, we are doing the exercises in the "Facing Heartbreak" book and there is one in there about boundaries that may help you clarify yours.

ETA: UMBL - we cross posted. Sending good mojo for your SAWH's first IC tonight!

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 3:48 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
confused777
♀ New Member
Member # 39629
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if this is where I belong but I"ll introduce myself. We're both in our late 30's and we have an almost 19 month old. Been together for 13 years, married for 6.

I found out that has been meeting with swinger couples since 2005. He admits to 12 meetings. He claims there was no penetration. He says he's an exhibitionist and likes to be admired by others. He left clues (left his profile open, a motel receipt) and he claims he subconsciously wanted me to find out and join him.

I told him that I don't want to swing. Told him to choose. He said he chooses me. Time will tell. I got tested and have no std's.

I don't want to take liberties but I wanted to relate something that happened this weekend. I don't eat tomatoes and while I'm feeding my son, my husband took off all the tomatoes from my sandwich. He then says, see I always think of you first but I don't think you do the same. I reminded him of all the things I do for him (cause I'm crazy to have to feel I need to do this) and politely left out how he didn't think of me at all while he's setting up his dates.

Why can't he just tell me he wants an open relationship then I can move on. Now I'm scared he's going to hide his behavior better. Or say he is wiling to stop and I leave the love of my life.


Choices are easy to make, even the most difficult of choices are made in the span of a heart beat. It is coming to terms with the results of these choices which can take a very long time indeed.

In limbo

At least this fence is mine to own and


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Afternoon, ladies! Things keep flying in this group.

Confused - Welcome! It sounds like this is the right place for you. Please read the 1st page of the thread, it has a lot of resources on it. It can take a while to wrap your head around it but there is hope for a different way of life.

cds - So happy for you having good times to share! It does seem easier to get on here and share the bad times. At meetings I get that feeling too, sometimes. Sort of feeling guilty for things going well when some of our sisters are in pain. It gives hope though and it is ok to own our experiences, even the good ones. Courting Mandate is a brilliant way of putting it! So wonderful that your SAWH is pulling out all the stops for you.

Woman - We did a polygraph after disclosure. It was recommended by the CSATs involved to wait until after disclosure. We did it 2 days later. My SAWHs CSAT had a polygrapher. Some places do it immediately after disclosure. We were limited to 10 yes and no questions. They had to be an affirmative question. An example was "Have you had any sexual contact with another woman besides your wife since ___________?" "Did you tell the truth in your disclosure?" It cost about 350 in our town from a good polygrapher.

SK - Wondering what that means but think it is something positive!

UMBL - Glad things are starting to move in the right direction for you. That sounds like an interesting book. I'll have to check it out.

Sadone - Keeping you in my thoughts, that your days improve. Totally agree that summer drags on with kiddos at home. Hopefully once school is back in, you can make some steps for yourself. Have you seen a doctor about sleep? For me, my progesterone was low and as long as I take some bioidentical hormones my sleep is fabulous. Stress can affect so many things in the body.

Schilling - So true, addicts really don't like it when you start having boundaries! Stick with it and the recommendation to read up on it is a good one.

NandN - Glad that things seem to be improving. It sucks that they take so much time getting into recovery. Many people seem to drag their feet. Alot of spouses in my group took 2 years to really get into recovery. What scares me are the people I see that have been at this for a long time and still aren't in recovery.

AFM, getting ready for my son to have his tonsils out tomorrow. Had a very good therapy session and we were going over where I am and my marriage is. We seem to have hit the repair stage of recovery. So thankful to be through the denial phase, shock and anger phase, then the grief phase (that was the worst for me) and onto repair. This is a long process and we are all at different points. Hope he doesn't have a relapse and have to start this over again. He had lunch this week with a friend that has been in recovery for 4 years but the last 2 years has relapsed several times. It is just disheartening to hear those things. He stopped going to therapy, then stopped going to meetings, so I guess it isn't a huge surprise. It will totally freak me out if my SAWH stops going to meetings and/or therapy. It is such a security blanket for me.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 5:49 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UMBL and Missy, thank you! There are a few nights I'm able to sleep. But more often I lie awake until one or two and then break down and take a sleeping aid. If it keeps up, I will have to see a doctor, I suppose.

numb, thank you! I needed to hear that. I know that I just need to keep moving and doing the steps needed. I can't help but fall into that desire of wanting everything and my independence NOW.

sk and cds, it's nice to hear you both sounding optimistic!

confused, welcome :)


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone several years ago I saw a sleep therapist (there is a special certification for this and it is very effective therapy).

So some ideas! Obviously stress and anxiety are not helping here. If you nap during the day, that must be limited to one 20 minute nap prior to 2pm. A consistent wake time is huge for addressing insomnia - - if you sleep in to counteract not being able to fall asleep you are digging yourself deeper into the insomnia pit. Also don't go into your bed until you are sleepy -- do something relatively boring in another room and very importantly don't expose yourself to screen light such as computer or tv within a couple of hours of bedtime. Anyway, if you don't feel sleepy until 1am then don't go to bed until then but make yourself get up at 6 or 7 or whatever is your set wake time. This is brutal for a couple of weeks but it will greatly help in the long run.

As for your prior post about work, I recall you are an english/literature background. Would you have any interest in training to be an ultrasound tech, radiology tech, or dental hygienist? Just a thought. Those come to mind as jobs that pay decently without incredibly long training involved.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and sleeping aids like ambien make things worse (and no one loved her ambien like I did). They work, then you require more, then they STOP working but your body is still requiring alot. They make things worse.

Tylenol PM is not terribly effective and always gives me a hangover feeling in the morning.

Most of my changes have been behavioral but once in a while I will take a "continued release melatonin" pill. Continued release is important for me because otherwise I wake up in the middle of the night. Melatonin may stop working but it doesn't have the negative boomerang effect on your sleep as ambien and similar drugs.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy - sending prayers for your son's surgery tomorrow. Also, congrats on being in the repair stage - I can't even imagine! That's wonderful!

cds - you should do sleep hygeine public service announcements on all the threads! Lack of sleep is such a common problem amongst us all. I do think that in the JFO stage, sleeping aids such as ambien are ok, just as long as they don't continue for an extended period of time.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks cds! I definitely do some of those things. I need to put down the ipad before bed for sure.
I actually slept really well last night! I went back to something I had been doing for a few weeks after DDay...sleep hypnosis. It stopped working after a while, but tried it again last night and it worked like a charm. One drug free night. :)

missy, I hope your son's surgery goes well!


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds, thanks for the career suggestions. I'm open to anything and everything right now! I'll look into those today. I'm also even considering a skilled trade, though it's probably difficult to find an apprenticeship. One thing that interests me are cold cases of missing people. I was considering doing law and justice to go into private investigation. Not sure there's enough work in that, but it sounds so interesting!


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sort of new to the whole boundaries things. I haven't given consequences because I have had NO idea what would be appropriate.

It's been a big issue for us this month particularly. I am not sure if it is because I am pushing for more boundaries, or I've just realized how he does things that he shouldn't be doing as an attached man who has a problem with sex.

It doesn't help that he denied he has an addiction but he does. Everyone in our life knows it. I'm embarrassed by it. I feel like people judge ME because I've chosen to stay.

But I digress...


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
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