My partner is an ex police officer and looked into PI work. It is a hard thing to break into but once you get in the pay is good as are the hours since you basically make them yourself.
Some other suggestions:
911 Call Center Operator
Schilling - your feelings are very normal - all of them. Are you working on yourself? IC? S-Anon or COSA meetings?
Kat - still waiting........ (patiently )
Yes I have been in IC since December.
We were doing couples therapy too but I requested a break when I felt the sessions weren't going anywhere.
1) I realize that he isn't going to be perfect or even very good at "checking in" with what he is doing with formal recovery activities. He has agreed he needs to step that up and keep me informed on progress every Tuesday.
2) I realize that I will never be completely safe, but he says he goes to meetings to see some of the damage that others have done to their lives through slips and relapses and continued acting out. This helps keep him sober. He also is committed to recovery, to transparency, has no problem doing those things, not just for me, but because he is truly happy to be finally living a life of integrity . I find this reassuring.
3) I have to LET MYSELF BE REASSURED BY THE ABOVE. It is a tremendous leap. It requires me to be brave. I somehow lost that bravery in the last few years and retreated. Can I do it? Not sure. I want to.
4) I have to try very hard to believe that he loves me. Once again, a leap of faith, and one that will take repeated self-affirmations.
5) I am going to try to choose joy and optimism ABOUT MY MARRIAGE. This, of course, encompasses all the above, and counts on him doing #1. I still have flashes of fear when I am alone or sometimes, when I am not occupied with some task. I still have anger that I have to express. I have to express both emotions and then move on.
6) We snuggled after our discussion on Tuesday. It felt good. REALLY good. I want to feel close to someone, I want to feel close to him. It's so freaking scarey. SO SCAREY. But I think I have to be brave...
Thanks for being there for me. sisters. NO ONE gets it like you do...
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:11 PM, July 26th (Friday)]
I agree, it is scary. I am not 100% on board with trusting yet. However, I do see the changes in him and am now fully committed to staying married. It is inspirational to see how far along you are!
Schilling - glad you are in IC. Do you like your IC; i.e., do you find them helpful? I ask because I went through 2 ICs before I found one that was really good for me. My 3rd IC is really empowering and doesn't tell me what to do - she lets me figure out the answers for myself. She points out when I am showing healthy behaviors and cheers me on. My first IC made me feel like my SAWH wasn't having an A; she kept on saying "alleged A." She also told me that I had to make my M a good place to be so that my H wouldn't stray. The wise folks at SI told me to get rid of her and I finally did. Then I went to a 2nd IC who had an "edge" to her and I just didn't feel like it was a good fit, so I ditched her after only a couple of sessions. Then I found my current IC, whom I have been with for about a year. Just checking to see if you are getting all you can get out of your IC.
That's great that you stopped the MC - BTDT. It's just a complete waste of money and time if all the SAs are doing in MC is minimizing, blameshifting, not owning their shit, etc. My final straw was when our MC said that couldn't I just monitor my WH's email communication with OW#2? Oh, no the fuck I can't - is that how you would want to be in your M?! I am NOT going to be the M/email police. In addition, SAWH was digging in his heels and being an ass, so I stopped going after that session.
In other news, has anyone seen the "study" that just came out that says that SA isn't real? I haven't seen it yet, but it was discussed at my SA spouse meeting last night. We also discussed Anthony Weiner and his wife.
Also, I wanted to share what kind of training CSATs have to go through bc I just learned of it myself. They do four 1 week sessions. These sessions are given around the country, so they usually can't take them all in a row. Then they need 30 hours where they discuss cases/patients with a supervisor (another CSAT). I forgot to ask what training they need before they can take the CSAT courses, but I assume it is some sort of masters or PhD degree in counseling.
I recently ran into the sexologist (NOT a CSAT) that SAWH and I went to several years ago when I couldn't figure out why we weren't having sex. We went to him for a YEAR and SAWH never disclosed that he watched porn and not surprisingly, our sex life did not improve. Anyway, I told the sexologist that WH was an SA. He said that he didn't believe in SA; it was moralistic, 12 step programs didn't work and weren't the right treatment, Carnes et. al are just trying to make money - the whole bit. I was so pissed and I gave it to him. Told him that I knew people that the 12 step programs worked for, that I completely disagreed with his opinions (I didn't throw in his face that his therapy obviously didn't work, but it was implied by our convo). He is a PhD and I stood up to him and told him what a bunch of malarkey sexology is and that he is totally missing the boat. He was not happy and we parted on "agree to disagree" terms. Has anyone else run into the "SA doesn't exist" types?
Lastly, our CSAT discussed at group last night that it is good that we are having the conversation about whether sex addiction exists or not because when there are strong opinions on both sides, the discussion is brought to national attention and that in turn will bring about a paradigm shift (that we so desperately need!!) Also, she mentioned that her personal opinion is that those who don't think SA exists are SAs themselves. She said that Carnes et. al have been trying to get their research out in the media that SA does exist, but every time they try, the anti-SA researchers threaten to sue, so the Carnes research doesn't get out there. Not really sure how that works; I'm sure the Carnes group has good Ls, but that's what our CSAT told us.
Food for thought.....
I know that you have struggled with anger for a while now. Do you feel that you are through that phase? (It sure sounds like you are! )
It is SO good to hear you say that you are ready to take that leap of faith and that it felt so good to snuggle with your H. It's what we all hope and pray for someday if our SAWHs choose recovery. Well deserved, Kat - enjoy every moment of it - you earned every second of it!
He said that he didn't believe in SA; it was moralistic, 12 step programs didn't work and weren't the right treatment, Carnes et. al are just trying to make money - the whole bit.
Oh goodness, God forbid anything be moralistic in our culture, huh? Like people don't harm themselves by living in conflict with their own morals- sheesh.
And btw, hypocrite alert - his judegement of Carnes, et al is moralistic.
Guess he'd have a hard time explaining why 12 steps worked when his approach didn't.
We've run into this "it doesn't exist" camp before. Just stroll away.....
edited for typos (I always have to!)
And, have I moved past the anger? Doubtful...but maybe I can process it more rationally when it reappears. Here's hoping!
As to the doubters...it's a bit like those moralistic idiots who say ADD is a product of bad parenting until they try to raise an ADD kid. Just try to get them out of the house in the morning or to do a tedious HW assignment. They used to say many mental illnesses were a result of demons and would drill holes in people's heads to get rid of them, didn't they? Not that I didn't often consider a
hole in his head....
Ignore them, and hope the media and idiots like Spitzer and Weiner and businessmen and researchers like Magnus and Carnes will
provide enough publicity to gain financing for further education and studies.
Missymomma, glad your little one is recovering quickly.
SK, I know in your mind you are thinking about this as leaving a place of safety. But I have always worried about you along these lines: in your previous mode of thinking, were you safe or were you starving? I don't mean to imply we all need men or relationships. Rather if you are living with a spouse and have been for many years, and that person is now in recovery, it is pretty darn hard to have that right in front of you all the time but never get to enjoy it! I am proud of you. :)
On SA being real, my personal view is that the diagnostic criteria is still fairly crude . . . but it is a real problem. I was very convinced during my H's slip with the documentary with semi-clad women . . . he did it directly after a major fight we had where I said some very, very angry words. It wasn't about sex for him or enjoyment but about resentment and upset and self-soothing. That is what made the pathological aspect clear to me.
[This message edited by cds22 at 9:43 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]
Standing applause! I've always looked at your name & wondered why you code that because, in my mind, one of the bravest women I've ever been privileged to "meet"!
I've been terrified from the get go and, while I'm still there, am becoming cautiously optimistic. BREAK THROUGH NOTIFICATION!!
While driving to my daughter's house yesterday, about 250 miles away, I looked down to see my fingers tapping in steering wheel in rhythm to the song on the radio! Then I realized for the first time since February that my brain was actually allowing me to think about something besides SA & it felt soooo good! Could it be that the stars are aligning for us at long last? Weird how you don't take the small things for granted anymore!
I'm having to use my phone for this post & have grandchildren banging on the door for me to come out & play but, just wanted to check in & tell everyone I'm thankful & hope everyone has a good weekend!
Great post. It sounds like you have things all figured out. It's very scary putting ourselves out there and potentially opening ourselves up to more pain but YOU are brave and you will never know what might be unless you take that step. Brene Brown has a great TED talk about vulnerability.
Great news about the breakthrough! I remember it took me a long time to get to the point where I wasn't constantly thinking about some aspect of SA. It still occupies too much of my time (and hence the hours I spend on SI), but there are periods each day when I don't think about it now. It's not always the first thing I think of when I wake up anymore, nor the last thing I think of before going to sleep. I even sing along to songs when I'm driving now!
I hope your DS is recovering well from his surgery. Nothing makes us forget about our own problems quicker than a problem or illness with one of our kids.
It wasn't about sex for him or enjoyment but about resentment and upset and self-soothing. That is what made the pathological aspect clear to me.
This is key, IMHO. One common theory believes that SA is the FIRST addiction. Kids learned to self sooth through masturbation when upset or stressed. My SAfWH remembers this clearly. When there was disruption in his household he'd retreat. He remembers this as early as age 7.
And yet we don't want to get crazy about "normal" self stimulation, do we? I raised two boys. They were, how shall I say this...uninhibited. There certainly was stress in our home. One became an alcoholic, now recovering, over a year sober, thank God. The other appears okay. I always told them the truth about the addictions in the family, made them aware of their risks, but I didn't know one could be a Sex Addict!
They know now. And we have had very frank discussions about how infidelity can destroy the soul of a partner...hopefully they will be on guard. But I felt that way about DS#1, that he KNEW he had a genetic predilection for alcoholism and STILL achieved that dubious achievement.
No way to protect them from themselves, I guess...
It sounds like you have things all figured out.
Oh, no, no, no...not even close. But trying very hard!
SK - I do agree that the pathology was set in childhood. For my SAWH his intimacy disorder/anorexia started in childhood. For him, he avoided all forms of intimacy, including sex. Porn and masturbation have never been part of his repertoire. He saw that his grandfather had it and that his father was having sex with prostitutes, so it was in his brain. Apparently, he and his brother were so disturbed by porn they found from their grandfather that they buried it under some construction. For my SAWH, sex in any way was shameful and dirty. Of course, when he started acting out it was shameful and dirty. Sigh. That doesn't even delve into the religious side of it which reinforced to him that sex was bad.
I think I married him for many reasons. My mother has a lot of the same shame my SAWH does. She is very much like my SAWH but she has definitely been in anorexia since she divorced my father 33 years ago. She never has had sex addiction but cuts herself off from people and love.
[This message edited by Missymomma at 1:55 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
Missy - hope your little boy is recovering from surgery easily and not demanding too much ice cream :) anesthesia scares me too...had my first experience with that with my 12yo from a bball accident and it was emotional and scary when they wheeled him back.
sK - Oh WOW!! That was beautiful! I am so proud of you and I'm praying for you. I hope hope hope I can get there...I'm early in recovery but that is exactly where I need to be eventually.
I actually struggled with those topics all weekend...my fear of abandonment, my insecurities over everything including that I have no idea if my SAWH even loves me...it was a rough weekend. Not bc of anything he did currently...but just because of my own insecurities and demons from what happened in the past. I found myself putting up walls and withdrawing from touch in order to protect myself and he got frustrated and snappy and we went down this spiral...luckily - he had his sponsor to talk to help him through this and I actually let my guard down and told him what I was feeling and where it was coming from and by the end of the weekend we had made some progress. I have alot of work to do on myself too.
Outta - I'm so glad you had a good weekend - you were on my mind!!!
Hope everyone has a great week...
Oh! and Brene Brown is the author of the book that I was telling you all about that I'm reading that is so good... the "Gifts of Imperfection"...I need to go listen to her TED talks - she has done a ton of research on shame and it's effects.
I just checked his swing website profile. It still says its offline but it says he was last on yesterday. The day we spent at the beach with our son. The day we both said we had a great day.
Devestated is a fucking understatement at this point.
At least this fence is mine to own and