I decided to break down my list and take it section by section as to not overwhelm him or myself. Last night I told him I wanted to talk and he sat with me as we read over the section on how to handle things when I am stressing, triggers etc and he was nothing but supportive and even told me he was proud of me for finally speaking up.
He knows there is more on the list, and I told him we will just take it section by section at my choosing and he agreed. He asked to keep the written list I had made of our talk last night as a reminder to himself.
Over the weekend I checked out the S-Anon website. To my surprise there is not a group in this big city, but I am going to read over some of the suggestions on the website.
I've been busy with kid stuff for the past four days which has been nice...struggled a bit with my H since last week...He was snappy and short alot last week and so he finally talked about "his" feelings and quite frankly, they were self centered, petty and whiny and it pissed me off...I pretty much let him have it and called him on his shit.
and it felt soo good to not get sucked in to the mentality of "keep the addict happy so he doesn't act out"...Progress!
I've been tortured by this. I know he's lying - his reviews gave vague references like - he's perfect for Everyone's bedroom.
Yesterday, I checked his old cellphone and there are the texts. Asking if the guy is bi-oral but agreeing to just play with the girl. Asking another couple to bring bi couples.
I feel relieved and absolutely devastated at the same time. I do believe he will stay with me forever and do this on side. I am deeply in love with him, we have a baby together. I think he is fu of shame about this and I don't know if hell ever admit it, even with the proof.
I don't think he can be faithful to me at all, especially if he's bi. I say that cause there's lots of strange numbers in his call log as of last week.
I need to stay safe and I want him. I think he's not telling me cause he wants to be with me and he thinks ill leave him if I find out he's bi.
I've always told him that bi isn't a deal breaker as long as you're faithful to me. I don't think he can be faithful
Please someone give me the strength to walk away.
At least this fence is mine to own and
We had a small tiff Friday morning. Something of no real significance however, he reacted with very familiar behavior which sent me over the edge. He took offense to something I said & immediately shifted his ass to his shoulders as was his very predictable response in the past. He walked out of the room to leave for work all the while mumbling sarcasims under his breath.
I felt like I was in a time machine going back 6 months to the days of his arrogant attitude. Remembering everything that was so horribly off kilter as he behaved so shit-tily around me. (is that a word? It should be!). Still makes me nauseous. I have to say that was the first time he has acted like that in months but, I was amazed that in that one moment, it felt almost that all the very good things that he has been working on in all these months was undone in just the few minutes it took to behave like an ass.
I sometimes wonder if they will ever get that but, then again, old habits die hard don't they?
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 9:50 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
I think we must have cross posted. I feel your pain & wish I knew what to say that would possibly give you just a little peace. Obviously, that's what all of us are looking for & hoping desperately to find.
If memory serves me correctly (it doesn't always!) same sex encounters were addressed in the book "Out Of the Shadows". I read that sexual activities between members of the same sex are part of the acting out behavior and does not necessarily dictate sexual orientation. I don't really know how much weight your H's orientation bears on your consideration of R but, first things first.
There can be no moving forward unless he can own his actions & admit that he needs help to control his sexual behavior. It sounds like you are still in the stages of discovery & I know that your heart stands still with each new piece of information.
My best advice is to get into counseling ASAP preferably with a CSAT so that he can be evaluated for sex addiction. He needs to give you the information you need to decide your choices. Men who are into these sexcapades are masters at deception and should not be trusted. I think it's probably a stretch to believe that given his level of activity that he has not had an actual encounter.
From the beginning of my marriage I have had a very hard core view of what a committed & exclusive relationship was. In light of recent events in my life, I have re-defined many of my boundaries. I'm not happy about doing it and sometimes feel I am not being true to who I really am and what I truly believed.
You don't need to make any life altering decisions right now so give yourself the room to breathe and think without feeling pressured.
I'm so sorry you have to be here but, you should know that you are in very good company.
Outtanowhere--that is upsetting to see. :( Really takes one back to the very worst times. I do remind myself that progress is not an unwavering straight line. What has made me feel better is when my H accepts responsibility, apologizes, tries to make amends. Sometimes after a not so gentle reminder that in my view X was selfish addict behavior.
You are right. By Sunday night everything had been laid out on the table and analyzed to death as nothing is simple anymore is it? I don't know if H really ever "got" what I was trying to say but, it was a drastic change in dynamics for us in the simple fact that for so many years I just didn't say anything because I just didn't want to endure the wrath that expressing myself to him would bring. This so far has been the only bright light in this whole shitstorm. It's actually very liberating for me & humbling for him which, it sounds harsh but, he needed to be humbled. Now, our roles are reversed and while I am not interested in pay back style antics, I am totally embracing the opportunity I have been given to show myself to him in a way I don't believe was possible before.
Out of all that guilt & shame this untamable, super ego emerged with a impenatrable force field which left me feeling completely helpless. On discovery of his double life, the defenses came down and the man behind the curtain was exposed for the weak, crippled troll that it was. Generally things are getting better every day with fewer & fewer set backs but, what I realized over the weekend was how fragile the progress really is. How just one careless thought or word can put you back to square one.
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 1:30 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
Confused...I'm so sorry - and for the record, I did not buy into the whole SA thing either when I first learned of the behavior years ago...my H too also expressed the interest in swinging with a bi- couple and I agree with Outta - just because they may have had encounters with the other sex does not necessarily mean they are bi - nor does it mean if they are bi, that they are not also SAs. From your description it sounds like he can't control his behaviors which leans more towards the SA...
Along with the fear of disease for you and any future children, my biggest fear of a SA (or just a husband that can't control his actions) is strangers that are now involved in your life whether you like it or not. They only have to open his wallet and drug him to know where you live. That is what scared me enough to put up that hard boundary and to really open up to the SA, therapy, 12-steps, groups etc... You don't have to make any life altering decisions right now, but please at least get tested and make sure that you and your child are protected if he is going to continue to do that on the side.
(((hugs)))) and I hope that wasn't too harsh...I'm kinda OCD about strangers and kids in this world we live in now.
I am feeling ok. Then he came to have lunch with me and I had bought a new iPhone case. He said how I like to spend money and I said he does too. He said, big things like the house I bought for you. I reminded him of the laptop, computers, etc that he bought for himself. I also told him that the house was a great investment - which it is.
It makes me think that he's right - maybe I'm greedy and force him to spend money on things I want. Now I'm all confused and insecure again.
It's a scary reality I must live with every day. He said in one of our therapy sessions this was his biggest regret, giving me STDs. The HSV took a toll on my body, I get sick a lot easier. I hadn't had a cold in ages, but last December I was sick for 4 weeks with a cold that threatened to turn to pneumonia.
I've also been harassed/ stalked by two of the partners he had taken on more then a one-night-stand basis. The first time, I was 16 and 17, she was in her 20's and that girl was BATTY. The last women was in 2011/2012, she spent a year harassing me and stalking me. It was terrible and frightening. She was 20 years my senior. She followed him to my house and then sat in front of my home nightly for weeks. I never responded to a thing she did, until one day I snapped and threatened her with the police. Haven't heard from her since then.
[This message edited by Schilling at 4:32 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 4:37 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
This is part of my boundary problem, what is acceptable and normal behavior in a marriage and a wife. Are his criticisms justified? I am so confused
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 6:23 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
I only have time to be brief, but wanted to throw in my 2cents.
I have known many bi people, both male and female, that have been faithful to a single partner for many years. IMHO your orientation has nothing to do with your ability to be faithful, and anyone that says they "have" to have both sexes, when they led their partner to believe otherwise, are full of shit and selfish assholes. You want to be a player, fine, but be up front with everyone you are with from the start.
From what I have read of your sitch tho, is it sounds like addiction. The swinging with couples is just escalation of behavior, there was likely more tame infidelity beforehand you aren't aware of. It is very likely he *thinks* he has to have both sexes, and is trying to convince himself you are unreasonable to not let him, and is gaslighting and blameshifting the hell out of you as a result. You are likely too wounded to see it now. I'd not worry about the future for the moment and focus on IC for you. Worry about how to get through the day, the week. What your dealbreakers are, what you need to be safe. Etc. You don't need to worry about what he thinks he wants/needs until you have a handle on your own. You are too critically wounded to worry about him right now.
He chose to cheat, he should be willing to anything and everything to save the M and heal you. End of story. None of it is justified.
I then turned to the CSATs and said, I know he's not deliberately hiding the total, he just can't get his head around it. He's like those people on Hoarders, can't see the obvious stacking and stinking all around him right now. He's spent his whole teen/adult life hiding/denying/in denial about these expenditures, and there's not enough time/resources in the world to track them all down. I didn't want that as part of the poly or he'd never pass.
Confused - I concur with what everyone is telling you. Heed Hath's advice and concentrate on yourself. If you can find an S-Annon or COSA group in your area, that is a great first step. Then look for a CSAT. Come here often! These women have a lot of wisdom. He is manipulating you with blameshifting. Please do not question yourself. You are not greedy or selfish. This is a projection from the unrecovered SA onto the spouse. They are so selfish that when we take care of ourselves in a healthy way, they go ballistic.
Schilling - Sounds like you handled the conversation well! Hope things start to move in the right direction for you.
UMBL - Good for you for standing your ground! I hated it when my SAWH would go into Victim mode. Being a victim in life was something he had perfected. He doesn't go there with me very often anymore.
Hath - Good to hear from you! How are things going since the last disclosure? Frustrating that he is blocking out full financial accountability.
SK - Wow! That is alot of money.
AFM, my SAWH spent about $25,000 and he was only active for a year and a half. If this had been going on for 10 years he would be well into six figures. Of course, that doesn't include the huge amount of money we have spent on therapy and treatment. We had a very good MC session on Monday. She is going to start doing some extra work with SAWH because his CSAT is so hard to get into. Don't worry, she is a CSAT also. They aren't going to work on anything that involves me but problems he is having at work and about himself.