Even tho we've never met, you know me all too well! I am by nature a fixer and breaking that habit for me is probably going to be almost as difficult as H undoing all his unhealthy habits.
I'm am so afraid of not getting it right. Compared to those actually in recovery groups with CSAT I feel we are waaaayyyy behind the recommendations for therapy. As I mentioned before, there are only two in our area who already have overloaded case loads and are female. My H refuses to see a female since he simply doesn't believe that she would be able to identify with his particular issues. I guess that's fair but, like I said, it is worrisome for me to think that we aren't getting the benefit of what he truly needs right now.
I think too that the fact that this has gone on for so long under my nose, I tend to watch him like a hawk. Constantly analyzing his every word and action (or inaction sometimes). I hate being so suspicious and leary of him. I'm not tracking him or even checking up on him that much anymore but, still on alert and at the ready for the next bombshell.
I'm just so ready for things to relax a little. I'm ready to resume some semblance of normalicy and feel like my body is not constantly tied up in knots. I'm ready to move on but, when I feel like I'm moving forward, something always spooks me and I slam on the brakes. Just can't seem to keep that forward momentum going for very long.
Thanks for being there! Kind words of guidance & support go such a long way!
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 8:52 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
It sort of caught my eye about the female therapist business. Maybe your H is embarrassed in front of a woman and that seems to me more valid. But to feel that only a man would understand seems to me to sort of implicitly be saying, "This is a normal/somewhat normal guy thing" rather than this is an extremely detrimental addiction and mental health issue. Also if those are the only CSATs in the area to refuse them?? My H's IC CSAT is a female and honestly what is important is that they are smart and on to the SA's BS!! His group CSAT is a male and as I have mentioned we are not impressed.
Anyhow, I think you need some distraction. Do you have any hobbies? Things you have wanted to learn? Why don't you sign up for an adult ed class for the fall in something you have wanted to explore - - photography? art? sewing? cooking? martial arts? Zumba? whatever! You need another outlet IMHO. And some opportunity to develop other aspects of yourself so that if you decide to S or D you will have a variety of things to fill your new life.
I am not just spouting this! I joined a gym post d-day and learned a new free weights routine that has greatly reduced my back problems. And I went back to cooking -- always an interest of mine, but I never really knew how to cook basics without a recipe. I treated myself to a good knife sharpener, a huge cutting board, and a few carefully selected books (and surfed the food network, I love the food network). I am like a cooking fiend these days! Oh and I started piano this week. WTH, you know. If things don't work out maritally I plan to be surround myself with beautiful food and beautiful music. :)
His CSAT is female, young, a bit pushy as needed. The key is he was willing to take the help she offers. I truly think the dividing line was the first SA meeting he went to. It's part of an inpatient program. While he obviously didn't share details, he saw a great number of men, some powerful and formerly rich, who were losing or had lost EVERYTHING. Some were facing jail time. I wonder if these SAs of yours, CM and Outta just haven't realized how bad it could have been.
I've gotten some negative feedback on the CSAT that is closest to us (about 30 miles one way) and didn't research the other one after H told me that. We will revisit that conversation this weekend. Maybe he will feel differently. Who knows?
I'm looking very forward to next week! My daughter is mom to 2 precious little boys and will be giving birth to a daughter on Thursday if all goes as planned. I'm taking the week off to help her out and I can't wait! I'll be 2 1/2 hours away from home for a whole week with my grandbabies!
Thanks for all the input. I get so bogged down in my thinking it's hard to see things from a different angle so I'm very appreciative of all perspectives. I take what I need and boy, do I need it!
Can you find a COSA or S-Anon meeting? It took me a while to find a group I liked but I love my COSA group.
I don't know any other SA's so I don't know how to go about getting someone else to point him in that direction. The only person I know that might is his IC but, that would be giving his business away so I don't know how to approach that. But, I specialize in wall-eyed fits these days so, all is not lost on that front!
I tried SAnon but, there were only 3 regulars and they were all divorced so I had a hard time relating. Someone else here said it turned into a codependency support group and I definately didn't like that! I tried contacting a group that meets at a local church. I spoke to a lady there who made my head spin. She told me she would call back after her out of town company left but, she never did. I was a little wary of her so, I didn't try to contact her again either.
I've just got to step out and try to find an Alanon group I guess. For me, it's easier to relate to those who understand my certain set of circumstances. I'm finding that following a guided set of principals, while helpful, takes a while to sink in. I guess it boils down to just wanting some immediate relief instead of diving in & really doing the work!
I guess that's why everyone here says how hard the road really is but, I never doubted it wouldn't be.
Do you know if any of the CSATs have groups for spouses? They might be a good resource to either find a meeting or start a new one. I know several people have started COSA groups.
Wow. I am some kind of powerful bitch! I must be the most powerful and awful woman EVER!
You are just awesome, you know that?
If he won't see a CSAT for now, he won't. I'd ask his IC how well equipped he feels he is able to help your SAWH deal with his addiction, in the presence of your SAWH. I'd get CSAT help for yourself, in order to figure out what boundaries are enough for you, what you need to feel safe while he navigates the early days of recovery, and how to establish these boundaries with him in a way that is clear and YOU centered.
But all that is for another day. Give it away for now. A new life is a new beginning. Take joy in it.
*I* made him do all of that. And THEN I made him start an affair with his Ex-Wife.
Screw him and the whore he road in on. What an ass.
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway
I hope the SA specialist is a CSAT and I highly recommend also getting a CSAT that specializes in spouses for support for yourself. Later we added a seperate marital CSAT for us together.
Sorry for any typos, on my iPhone.
[This message edited by Missymomma at 6:45 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
Four years later, I still have major control over money, he recently got a debit card, but I would know instantly about anything questionable.
And I strongly agree with MM. CSAT. Waste of time and money otherwise. SAs are clever and masters of manipulation. Regular ICs are no match for them.
Wishing you all a great weekend.
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 1:20 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]
He's faithfully attending his weekly CSAT sessions.
He's also voraciously reading the Basic Text.
Starting to open up and be forthcoming about his affair.