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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SK!

Even tho we've never met, you know me all too well! I am by nature a fixer and breaking that habit for me is probably going to be almost as difficult as H undoing all his unhealthy habits.

I'm am so afraid of not getting it right. Compared to those actually in recovery groups with CSAT I feel we are waaaayyyy behind the recommendations for therapy. As I mentioned before, there are only two in our area who already have overloaded case loads and are female. My H refuses to see a female since he simply doesn't believe that she would be able to identify with his particular issues. I guess that's fair but, like I said, it is worrisome for me to think that we aren't getting the benefit of what he truly needs right now.

I think too that the fact that this has gone on for so long under my nose, I tend to watch him like a hawk. Constantly analyzing his every word and action (or inaction sometimes). I hate being so suspicious and leary of him. I'm not tracking him or even checking up on him that much anymore but, still on alert and at the ready for the next bombshell.

I'm just so ready for things to relax a little. I'm ready to resume some semblance of normalicy and feel like my body is not constantly tied up in knots. I'm ready to move on but, when I feel like I'm moving forward, something always spooks me and I slam on the brakes. Just can't seem to keep that forward momentum going for very long.

Thanks for being there! Kind words of guidance & support go such a long way!

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 8:52 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, hang in there!

It sort of caught my eye about the female therapist business. Maybe your H is embarrassed in front of a woman and that seems to me more valid. But to feel that only a man would understand seems to me to sort of implicitly be saying, "This is a normal/somewhat normal guy thing" rather than this is an extremely detrimental addiction and mental health issue. Also if those are the only CSATs in the area to refuse them?? My H's IC CSAT is a female and honestly what is important is that they are smart and on to the SA's BS!! His group CSAT is a male and as I have mentioned we are not impressed.

Anyhow, I think you need some distraction. Do you have any hobbies? Things you have wanted to learn? Why don't you sign up for an adult ed class for the fall in something you have wanted to explore - - photography? art? sewing? cooking? martial arts? Zumba? whatever! You need another outlet IMHO. And some opportunity to develop other aspects of yourself so that if you decide to S or D you will have a variety of things to fill your new life.

I am not just spouting this! I joined a gym post d-day and learned a new free weights routine that has greatly reduced my back problems. And I went back to cooking -- always an interest of mine, but I never really knew how to cook basics without a recipe. I treated myself to a good knife sharpener, a huge cutting board, and a few carefully selected books (and surfed the food network, I love the food network). I am like a cooking fiend these days! Oh and I started piano this week. WTH, you know. If things don't work out maritally I plan to be surround myself with beautiful food and beautiful music. :)


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE: male vs female counselors. He won't listen to you on this either, but I call BS on this. The issue isn't gender, the issue is specialty. My SAfWH lied and lied to our male MC for months and months. Was it because he had to keep up the macho image with him? IDK. He finally came clean to a female only because I had caught him with his pants down, so to speak.

His CSAT is female, young, a bit pushy as needed. The key is he was willing to take the help she offers. I truly think the dividing line was the first SA meeting he went to. It's part of an inpatient program. While he obviously didn't share details, he saw a great number of men, some powerful and formerly rich, who were losing or had lost EVERYTHING. Some were facing jail time. I wonder if these SAs of yours, CM and Outta just haven't realized how bad it could have been.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Bamboozled1
♀ Member
Member # 5764
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta,
His not wanting to see a female is (to me)just another excuse for not dealing with this disease. An addict who is ready to get well, is willing to go to any lengths to get better. He may be telling himself this lie, but it is a lie. (Keep in mind, that if an addict's mouth is moving, that lies are coming out of it). It take some pretty good recovery before the lying to self and others slows down.
Are you getting help for you? S-Anon is great (and has phone mtgs if you don't have them in your area) or AL-Anon (addiction is addiction). Focus on you, and what you need at this point.

Posts: 1851 | Registered: Nov 2004
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His exact words were "anyone without a penis can't understand". I totally get what everyone is saying but, then I quit going to male physicians when I started going thru menopause. There were just so many things going on with me and my sweet OB/GYN, who delivered all my babies, just patted me on the back and told me it would be ok. It wasn't ok and I changed to a female who knew exactly what I was saying. So, I'm torn about this issue. It's weird. He has no empathy and I have way too much.

I've gotten some negative feedback on the CSAT that is closest to us (about 30 miles one way) and didn't research the other one after H told me that. We will revisit that conversation this weekend. Maybe he will feel differently. Who knows?

I'm looking very forward to next week! My daughter is mom to 2 precious little boys and will be giving birth to a daughter on Thursday if all goes as planned. I'm taking the week off to help her out and I can't wait! I'll be 2 1/2 hours away from home for a whole week with my grandbabies!

Thanks for all the input. I get so bogged down in my thinking it's hard to see things from a different angle so I'm very appreciative of all perspectives. I take what I need and boy, do I need it!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta - I see the female CSAT a little differently. My SAWH and many SAs are terrified of women and having a female therapist know all of their secrets petrifies them. Once we started seeing our MC CSAT, my SAWH was able to handle it being a woman (and she has been phenomenal). That being said, while I understand that he is afraid of a woman having power over him, since this is the only option he needs to face his fear! Is there anyone in meetings that he could talk to that go to these women? Someone that has a good recovery going and would be able to guide him that way? He is not going to listen to you but will probably listen to someone else. Although I would have thrown a wall eyed fit and said "A CSAT OR OUT!"

Can you find a COSA or S-Anon meeting? It took me a while to find a group I liked but I love my COSA group.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy,

I don't know any other SA's so I don't know how to go about getting someone else to point him in that direction. The only person I know that might is his IC but, that would be giving his business away so I don't know how to approach that. But, I specialize in wall-eyed fits these days so, all is not lost on that front!

I tried SAnon but, there were only 3 regulars and they were all divorced so I had a hard time relating. Someone else here said it turned into a codependency support group and I definately didn't like that! I tried contacting a group that meets at a local church. I spoke to a lady there who made my head spin. She told me she would call back after her out of town company left but, she never did. I was a little wary of her so, I didn't try to contact her again either.

I've just got to step out and try to find an Alanon group I guess. For me, it's easier to relate to those who understand my certain set of circumstances. I'm finding that following a guided set of principals, while helpful, takes a while to sink in. I guess it boils down to just wanting some immediate relief instead of diving in & really doing the work!

I guess that's why everyone here says how hard the road really is but, I never doubted it wouldn't be.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there no COSA or CODA? Codependency is mostly what spouses of addicts struggle with. This can take many forms, trust me I am nowhere near a doormat. The steps in COSA, CODA and S-Anon are almost identical. In CODA it is just I am powerless over others (doesn't specify addiction) and has no talk about sex. I found people there struggling with different problems, actually many of my COSA sisters started off in CODA. Just a thought.

Do you know if any of the CSATs have groups for spouses? They might be a good resource to either find a meeting or start a new one. I know several people have started COSA groups.

Monica


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drive by...new set of family visiting...

Wow. I am some kind of powerful bitch! I must be the most powerful and awful woman EVER!

<spit><roflmbo>

You are just awesome, you know that?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta. You need a break. Go and take care of your DD and new baby. Come back refreshed and renewed, and most likely exhausted!

If he won't see a CSAT for now, he won't. I'd ask his IC how well equipped he feels he is able to help your SAWH deal with his addiction, in the presence of your SAWH. I'd get CSAT help for yourself, in order to figure out what boundaries are enough for you, what you need to feel safe while he navigates the early days of recovery, and how to establish these boundaries with him in a way that is clear and YOU centered.

But all that is for another day. Give it away for now. A new life is a new beginning. Take joy in it.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*I* made him do all of that. And THEN I made him start an affair with his Ex-Wife.

Screw him and the whore he road in on. What an ass.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CM - Sorry I missed your post. Honey, the crap he is spewing is an indication of just how sick he is! That is delusional thinking and seems the majority of SAs (and many cheaters) have this mindset. It just allows them to get off scott free, in their mind. You know the truth and we all know it! It is maddening trying to reason with a sick mind.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I'm new to this group, but have been on SI for two years now. I don't really want to get into my full story right now, but I do have a few questions for those of you who have been on this journey. My H thinks he is SA. This came out after I followed my gut and did some investigating and questioning. He has made an apt with a therapist who specializes in SA for coming Tuesday. At the moment, he is staying in our guest room. I can barely stand to be around him. This morning he gave me his debit cards and credit cards, after asking me if I would be willing to help him deal with his addiction. Is this a good thing for me to take charge of his cash flow? Right now I am just so angry, it is nearly impossible to feel any sort of empathy or compassion for him. I also don't believe a single word coming from his mouth, including his apology to me before he left for work. Any advice would be most appreciated.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 917 | Registered: Aug 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bountje - Welcome to the best group that you never wanted to join! You will find a lot of understanding and compassion here. First off, you should not be reacting any differently than you do. You are the one that deserves the empathy, at this point! Second, it is appropriate to take care of yourself and many spouses take over finance. That is about protecting yourself financially.

I hope the SA specialist is a CSAT and I highly recommend also getting a CSAT that specializes in spouses for support for yourself. Later we added a seperate marital CSAT for us together.

Sorry for any typos, on my iPhone.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 6:45 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAfWH asked this of me in the beginning. I have to tell you that it was also something to hang on to when I was feeling doubtful about his dedication to sobriety. Since his main means of acting out was strip clubs, and the one boundary I would have considered a major deal breaker, his lack of access to money was reassuring to me. I also think the act of giving up control over money can be a symbolic acknowledgement that the addict is giving up thinking he/she can control the addiction.

Four years later, I still have major control over money, he recently got a debit card, but I would know instantly about anything questionable.

And I strongly agree with MM. CSAT. Waste of time and money otherwise. SAs are clever and masters of manipulation. Regular ICs are no match for them.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just so confused right now. On the one hand I am relieved that he has FINALLY opened up to me, but at the same time, I just can't come to grips with the fact that this is my life right now. We have been married nearly 26 years, and I am just NOW learning that he has been frequenting prostitutes since the beginning. I feel like my world has just imploded. My entire life with this man that I love has been a lie. Every single memory has been tainted. Believe me when I say that we have had a very good life together. Z I am beyond sick. I don't know what to do. I can't even allow my emotions to flow because it hurts too much. I have my scheduled IC apt on Tuesday, the same say he is seeing the CSAT for the first time. I told him tonight that the ONLY reason I am not packing my bags to go back east is because our youngest daughter is starting her senior year, and I will not bring chaos into her life at this point. I just pray that I am strong enough to make it through this. I have looked up the SANON in our area. Plan on calling tomorrow to find a meeting. Thanks for listening to my rambling thoughts.

B


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 917 | Registered: Aug 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing but pure happiness today! Our granddaughter arrived yesterday at 3:11pm & is absolutely perfect! We are in the central part of the state and the weather is beautiful. I'm sitting on the back porch enjoying a perfect fall morning while H takes the other three grands for breakfast at the local donut shop! We are off to a wonderful start even if I really wanted badly to sleep in! Maybe tomorrow!

Wishing you all a great weekend.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Outta so happy for you, and a bit envious, too, I'd love to have GC to spoil, enjoy your time with them...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@boontje I hear you. The prevailing wisdom is to wait a year before making any permanent decisions. I, too, had years of deception that I was unaware of. I'm not the only one. It's a function of the addiction, their shame, the progression, etc. None of which of which is particularly helpful to you at this time.
We are here.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 1:20 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWH recently started going to SA and SLAA meetings (his CSAT has encouraged him to try out various ones).

He's faithfully attending his weekly CSAT sessions.

He's also voraciously reading the Basic Text.

Starting to open up and be forthcoming about his affair.

Good signs?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
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